Ok, first of all, let me say that I don’t care whether pot or alcohol or even cigarettes are legal or not. I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care.
I do not indulge. It’s my choice, and nobody has ever questioned me or tried to talk me into it (except in France, they just thought I was a freak of nature.)
I do not like people to indulge around me (that is, drink alcohol or take any form of drug, even pot). I have also been known to ask someone to put out a cigarette, because, even though it doesn’t bother me, I have friends who are allergic and who don’t have the courage to ask for themselves. I am not trying to tell people what to do, but I insist that if they are going to, they must do it somewhere else.
The problem is, I feel this is my right (even if I am in someone else’s home, and it is the homeowner that is indulging – this has only come up twice, when I was staying with some friends and once they smoked hash, the other time they tripped on acid. Both times I strongly objected, and actually caused a scene. I feel that as a guest, my wishes should be respected.), and everybody else seems to feel that I am being a nuisance.
The only person I have asked not indulge even when I am not around is my boyfriend, because one day I want to be able to tell my kids, “Neither Daddy nor I indulge. It is not an inherent part of life, and you don’t need to either.”
Okay, now that I have thoroughly explained my point of view, I’d like to know. Am I being a jerk?
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
– Henry David Thoreau
In my opinion as a non-smoker, drinker, etc, You have absolutely every right to ask them not to indulge around you and you shouldn’t been seen as a jerk. However, you are going to, merely because people feel that they have the right to do whatever they want, whenever they want because “it’s a free country” You have no idea how many times I have heard that quote in reference to doing something that offends people. Smokers especially believe that they should be able to smoke wherever and whenever and any study that they can find negating the effects of second hand smoke is widely touted. So overall, you’re not being a jerk, but people are going to see you that way for taking away from what they feel they are entitled to.
No, you’re not being a jerk, because you have every right to voice your opinions, but in response to:
“The problem is, I feel this is my right (even if I am in someone else’s home, and it is the homeowner that is indulging – this has only come up twice, when I was staying with some friends and once they smoked hash, the other time they tripped on acid. Both times I strongly objected, and actually caused a scene. I feel that as a guest, my wishes should be respected.)”
The thing is, as a guest, you should be the one respecting wishes. Now, obviously, you shouldn’t be forced into partaking WITH your hosts, but since it is their home, they decide what is acceptable and what isn’t. If you don’t like it, either leave the room, or if possible, leave the house altogether and don’t stay there again. You can always talk to them later about it, and in a mature fashion, let them know that it bothered you very much and you would appreciate it if they would refrain from such behaviour around you in the future. In YOUR home, they would have to respect your rules, whether that meant something as major as “no drugs” or something as small as “everyone rinses their own dinner plate”.
That said, you have to keep in mind that lots of people “indulge”… some occasionally, some regularly, and no amount of arguing over whose rights are more important will change that. (Least, none thus far.) It is very admirable of you to to abstain from using tobacco, alcohol and other drugs, but remember that there are many people who strongly believe in “my body, my choice”. Throwing fits when you
could just as easily leave, or when a person is within the boundaries of an “indulgence zone” (i.e. cigarettes in the smoking section, drinking in a bar or at a party where alcohol is being served) is an unnecessary waste of your time and energy.
I do think you are within your rights to ask people around you to refrain from things that bother you, especially when you do it in defense of others. However, I’m not sure that applies when you are visiting in the homes of those who indulge. I think I would limit those protests to the things that are actually illegal, since those could get you into just as much trouble as the users.
I can understand where you’re coming from. I have similar morals but I’m less bold about it. If someone is in my house or car, they go by my rules. If I’m in their house, though, I either live with it or leave.
I am allergic to cigarette smoke so I can’t be in enclosed spaces for too long with it or I’ll end up with a migraine and, possibly, throw up. Because of this, I will politely ask someone not to smoke in a car with me. In larger rooms, though, it’s not as bad. When I go to a club, I just make sure to take 2 Advil beforehand.
I don’t think insisting on certain limits in your own home is out of line. In someone else’s home though is another story. I think it would just be better to avoid the situation or leave if it’s possible.
I don’t smoke, drink, or do any illicit drugs because they have consequences I don’t want to deal with. I have other “sinful” habits tho…mostly the “living in sin with the boyfriend” kind and I quite enjoy those :). I don’t care what other people do in their own homes.
I think in your own home you have the right to set the rules, as it were. There is no smoking in my home, but I do provide a side porch and an ashtray for those who do smoke (hi Jeff! Hi Ty! :)).
In someone else’s home I’m with you on two of three, although I agree with much of what the other posters have said. As far as something that is illegal, I think you have the right to make your views known, 'cause if the cops show up you are just as busted as your buddies are, and if they are good friends they should accept that you aren’t willing to take that risk. As for smoking, that’s a tougher question. When I was pregnant I was annoyed with my sister for smoking next to me at the table in her own home, because she knew that I hated it and that it made me feel sick. However, in non-pregnant times, when it is simply something that annoys me and I can avoid it most times (bearing in mind I only see her once every other year), I don’t say anything. She’s been smoking for more than 30 years (she’s LOTS older than I am! ;)), and she’s not gonna be stopping anytime soon.
As far as drinking alcohol, I disagree with you. Understand I am not talking about getting drunk and passing out, but simply having a couple of glasses of wine, cocktails, or beer. No one says you have to offer it in your own home, or accept in in someone else’s, but I think that it is frankly none of your business if someone is drinking socially in their own home, even if you are present. It’s not something that will get you busted or affect your health, so MYOB, as Ann Landers would say.
ChrisCTP writes:
The thing is, as a guest, you should be the one respecting wishes.
–Tony Randall once said that if you were a guest in his home he would offer you cigarettes. He would hope you wouldn’t accept…but he would offer.
The host should make the guest feel at ease.
Little clarification:
I certainly wouldn’t impose upon somebody at a bar or a wedding, even. I don’t expect to impose a thirty-foot no drugs/alcohol zone around myself. I do ask close friends not to indulge in anything illegal even at clubs, etc, however, because I expect them to respect my feelings. Perhaps you should understand that my father was an alcoholic, a drug addict, a wife-beater, and he recently died of Tuberculosis which he contracted from sharing needles. My friends know this (I’m fairly open about it) and know that I consequently view all drugs and alcohol as forms of poison. That is why I expect them to understand my feelings and not indulge around me. They know how much it hurts me. If you don’t really know me well, and you aren’t doing anything illegal, I don’t usually say anything.
As for being at someone else’s home, one of those times I could not leave. I was in a foreign country where I did not speak the language and did not know my way around. That was the time they were smoking hash, and I did not want to have to breathe the smoke that was filling the entire apartment. Their response was something along the line of f*** you. So I threw a fit. Maybe not sweet, but effective. The other time was in the home of a very good friend who I expected to understand and respect my feelings as a friend. Both times, BTW, these people were taking illegal drugs, so I did feel I had a right to protest.
As for smoking, well, if my friend is coughing and getting physically ill from your cigarette, you need to put it out. It may not be the law, but it is certainly the right thing to do.
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
– Henry David Thoreau
Since the French and cigarettes were mentioned in passing, and this is MPSIMS…
I’ve only ever met one Frenchman personally-- that I know of, anyway. This guy was an exchange student, in the country for maybe a month, and had started dating a friend of my GF. At the party where I met him, he kept trying to make her smoke with him. At one point, he waited until she was facing someone else, then actually stuck a cigarette into her mouth while she was talking.
At the time I just thought he was a jerk, but Cessandra’s remark seems to indicate that smoking is a cultural thing there. What gives?
Time for an “indulger” to speak up. (This might surprise you.):
One of the great idiotic things that I’ve done in my life was to get addicted to nicotine. I’m still wanting to quit, but I do enjoy the fact that I’m better able to keep calm and levelheaded when I smoke.
OTOH, I understand that cigarette smoke is very unpleasant for many people. I also understand its harmful effects on health. Because of this, I do not believe I have a right to smoke anywhere I want to. I am perfectly willing to put out a cigarette if it’s bothering someone. If I’m around a pregnant woman, a minor, or someone with breathing problems, the pack stays in my pocket.
That said… It does absolutely no good to bully people into non-indulgence. Most people will respond with something like, “If you don’t like it, why are you here?” If you go to a party at the house where someone drinks, expect there to be drinking. If you go visit a friend who smokes, expect them to smoke.
In short, Cessandra, if you are so strong in your feelings about indulgence, why hang around with these people? Life’s too short. You will be doing them more good if they understand their continued indulgence will deprive them of your company. Peer pressure works both ways.
You are going to drive yourself bananas if you try to change the people around you. You don’t have the power to make that happen. Not even with your boyfriend. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if your boyfriend has a problem (that is if he hasn’t quit indulging after your request) you’re better off without him. If you hang around, you’ll only drive yourself crazy.
Actually I was referring to drinking. I had this one girl practically try to pour a bottle of champagne down my throat, and my friend’s mother was very insulted that I wouldn’t have wine with dinner. I noticed alot of smoking, but nobody tried to force that on me. France’s laws and social mores about drinking/smoking/drugs are very different from the US. Drinking and smoking are very common among teenagers (and I don’t care what anybody says, they get just as plastered as American kids). There is no public awareness of the possible dangers to your health, and nobody even thinks of second-hand smoke. Most drugs are illegal, but nobody cares. And not in the same way that nobody cares here. You can smoke pot on the side of the road by a police station and they won’t care. It’s very strange (to me).
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
– Henry David Thoreau
Don’t worry, when people intentionally disregard my feelings about this, I stop hanging around them. I’ve just had too many remarks about how I’ve got a stick up my @$$, and I wanted to know if it’s true. Especially since many of these come from my best friend who, though she doesn’t like people drinking at her house, feels I am very rude when I tell them not to bring alcohol to her home. She gets mad at them for it, doesn’t tell them, bitches to me, and then yells at me when I tell her “guests” to take the bottle someplace else. Not to metnion that these guests are underage. BTW, my boyfriend doesn’t have a problem. He stopped drinking, not because I asked him to, but because I’d once mentioned that it bothered me. He’s since told me that he’s glad he stopped, because he’d been getting a bit carried away with it (he’s of age).
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
– Henry David Thoreau
It seems the world revolves around you, Cessandra. I think the responses have been to kind and you are going to have a hard time getting the world to toe the line in your presence. I wonder how you find yourself in these situations you seem to detest.
You are telling people what to do no matter how you look at it. Telling people what to do takes a little discrimination. I sense that you have gotten away with it on occassion because of the age and experience of your tormentors.
I have always found that respect is better earned than expected. ‘Feelings’ are such personal and nebulous things it is hard to demand respect for all of them. I keep a lot of them to myself where they belong and share some of them only with trusting friends who I hope do respect me.
How magnanimous of you!
As you should. It would be the considerate thing to do.
Sounds like your trip to France didn’t go over well. I travel a lot. It has taught me that life is not Burger King and I can’t always have it my way. For everybody that asserted Cessandra’s consitutional right to express her opinion my hat is off to you for your defense of free speech. I look forward to the next lesson on the rules of etiquette of giving an opinion…or are there any?
Why are you hanging out in the houses of those people if you dissaprove of what they are doing? Just say something like “I don’t want to get into trouble.” If they don’t put the drugs away, leave. Illegal or not it is someone else’s house. You are not in charge.
In indoor public areas, you have the absolute right to ask people not to smoke. I make a habit of asking people near me if they mind before I light up. I put my cancer sticks out on request, or I go stand outside. You are not being a jerk at all about the cigarettes. You are protecting your lungs, and your friends’ lungs.
I smoke and drink on occasion. I am polite and ask if it will bother anyone before I light up. I don’t smoke in non-smokers cars or homes, but in my house… my rules.
You don’t like it… don’t come over. I don’t force anyone in my door, all are welcome as long as they follow my rules. I don’t smoke inside, I have a lovely patio and everyone smokes out there. I keep lots of different kinds of beverages in my home, both alcoholic and non. I will do everything in my power to accomodate everyone and specially blend virgin drinks as well as prepare vegeterian snacks for my non-meat eating friends. I consider myself to be a very good hostess, but never forget, it is my house.
I can understand you have issues with drinking and drugs because of your past, but everyone has issues. They are yours to deal with. I have issues with old men and very young girls. My issues, my views, my problems. It would be very rude of me to enforce my beliefs on someone else.
“Hey, you can’t date her around me.”
Who the hell am I to tell you what to do?
I don’t mean to sound insensitive, and forgive me if it comes out too harshly, but you asked if you were being a jerk… the only thing I can say is, if you behaved that way in my home, you wouldn’t have to worry about it happening again, because you wouldn’t be invited back… and your stay the first time would probably be a very short one.
Hopefully, among your friends, it’s a matter of respect. If you ask them to please not smoke (etc.) around you, then they shouldn’t out of respect. I would never light up or drink around a friend who asked me not to.
On the other hand, you have no real right to tell anyone what they can or can’t do in their own homes. If they respect you enough to comply with your wishes, that’s great. If not, then your only recourse is to leave.
is there nobody that loves you, nobody that you love enough to see grow up/old?
quit man, get some help…for christ sake, do it today! it CAN happen to you.my mom was supposed to see my kids grow up, get married, etc,nevermind, none of my business, smoke your brains out, not my problem, what a waste.
Geez, Cess, is there anything you don’t complain about? I can understand you not wanting to be around smoke (pot or cigarettes), but why do you care if someone is having a drink in your presence? What possible harm can that do you? And what in god’s name makes you think you have a right (as you said) to tell people not to have a drink in their own home?
Sheesh!
“I think it would be a great idea” Mohandas Ghandi’s answer when asked what he thought of Western civilization
I think the posts so far have very clearly marked the line between reasonable and jerk. I have just recently quit smoking, so that it’s still hard to encounter people who are smoking. I stay out of bars and such, but I can’t stay home all the time - and I remember being dissed by non-smokers when I was making a good effort to avoid inconveniencing them. I don’t want to become that, since I am clearly aware of how difficult it is to quit.
The OP reminded me of people I’ve encountered and thought went too far. Example: I am at a bus stop. I am standing well away and down-wind from other people waiting. I am smoking. Someone joins the group and chooses to stand next to me (when there is plenty of room and much of it closer to where the bus will actually stop.) That same person makes faces and waves a hand in front of herself, making clear they disapprove. My response #1: I made a good faith effort, at some inconvenience to myself (farther from the stop, outside the shelter) to avoid bothering anyone. #2: The person who objects has more options to make themselves happy than I do… any farther and I will be out in the street. #3: Who died and made them God? Who gave them the right to judge someone they don’t even know?
There are other examples, in the same vein. I KNOW I made good effort. I never smoked in anyone’s car or home… I never even asked. If non-smokers were in my home, especially those with small children, I would avoid smoking as much as possible. Now that I am in the process of learning to live without nicotine, I am making every effort not to use it as an excuse for whining. I think everyone has the right to make clear what they would prefer… but there’s a huge difference between voicing opinions and dictating\judging behavior. It would be nice if we could control our world so that none of our tender points were ever touched… but my life hasn’t been like that and I don’t expect it will.
You can only be a victim once. After that you’re just a volunteer.
Cess, glad to here about your boyfriend. Sounds like a good catch.
kelli, thanks for your concern. I do think about these things (otherwise I wouldn’t even consider quitting). I have recently starting working as an assistant for a high school band, and the fact that I could influence these kids (after all, teenagers are very easily influenced} is extra motivation.
Just say something like “I don’t want to get into trouble.” If they don’t put the drugs away, leave. Illegal or not it is someone else’s house. You are not in charge.