Is that worse than “I can’t believe your friends didn’t bother to show up”? I guess that’s true; if they don’t show up they can’t make a bad impression. I am one who would dress conservatively (although not in a skirt) but unless someone is purposely choosing to dress sloppily (not the same as casually), I figure they wore what they would normally wear. It’s more important that they show up.
A lot of people share your feelings (my mother’s extended family). And a lot of people don’t (my father’s extended family). The point is that you get to control how you are dressed, not people’s reactions to how you are dressed. At a funeral, where we tend to be extra careful of people’s feelings, why would you risk that the immediate family doesn’t share your feelings.
But why can’t they show up dressed appropriately? How many people really, truly, just *can’t be there * unless they go in their jeans, or their dockers and hawaiian shirt?
It’s just pure, self-indulgent laziness. And it sucks.
It also says, “Well, I guess I can come, but I’m doing the bare-minimum, because really, at least I came.”
Bleh.
I totally agree with this. I am one of the most casual people in the world on a day to day basis – I have a job where the only real dress code is “clean, not ripped, not smelly, no pajamas”, and I dress the same at almost every other occasion and don’t really like dressing up very much. But weddings and funerals are not about me and my personal style and my convenience. I can’t imagine showing up even to calling hours in jeans and a tshirt, and at a funeral it would be ridiculous to show up like that in my eyes. It shows you have no respect for the occasion.
It’s like smilies on the internet. Because it’s all text, sometimes a tag or smiley showing that you’re being sarcastic/silly/whatever is good to avoid confusion, so your innocent comments aren’t taken the wrong way. Likewise, a dress code for funerals enables you to easily show that you are showing respect and taking the occasion seriously without people having to read your mind or have some long history of knowing your unique snowflakey way of expressing yourself.
Except they are NOT paying their respects, if they show up in beachwear or the equivalent.
Heh, blather on all you want about how high your standards are and how you want to pick and choose your mourners both “Primary” and “support” based on their attire. The question was “Has funeral etiquette changed?” The answer for many is; “Yes.” If the answer for you is a resounding “NO.” Cool. The forum is IMHO. Folks have given their HO. For the record I see about four groups here:
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You must wear a suit, tie, white shirt if a man. You must wear a dark or black dress/skirt if you are a woman.
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You must wear a tie if you are a man. You must wear a dark outfit, but pants are ok for a woman.
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Clean, dressy casual wear is acceptable. Colors including pastels are ok or not (depends on the poster.)
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Wear what my family demands or we will beat you up in an alley. (They probably would beat me up if I didn’t attend at all too, you know how it goes with them.)
No one in this thread is advocating ripped jeans, flip-flops, tee-shirts that say bite-me, or beach wear. Keep putting up that strawman if you want, it just makes you look like a doof.
Oh and I forgot to add, because for my friends it’s not necessary:
If you want to come to my Life Celebration please do. I don’t care what you wear, I don’t care if you donate to the charity of my choice, I don’t care if you send flowers. All I ask is that you take a moment with one or more of my family. Tell them nice/funny/evil stories about me. Tell them how I affected your life. Tell them how we laughed and cried together. 
Several posters have said “it shouldn’t matter what I wear.” They aren’t saying “as long as its slacks and a collared shirt.” They are saying “it shouldn’t matter what I wear.”
Back-pedaling much? Show me one person in this thread who advocated ripped jeans, bite-me tee shirts, etc. The ones saying it shouldn’t matter were those saying that somber black/dark funeral wear is not mandatory anymore ITHO. You’re the one who suggested I would be beaten if I didn’t wear the appropriate little black mourning dress. You also specifically un-invited me to your funeral even if we were “best friends” if I didn’t wear the outfit specified by the family which did not include a collared shirt and slacks. I really, really don’t think we share the same values no matter how many Star Trek weddings you’ve lowered yoursef to attending.
Actually, several posters have advocated Hawaiian shirts(beachwear). No strawman there.
Aloha shirts =/ beach wear. Do you routinely wear >$100 silk shirts to the beach?
Actually, I apologize for the last post. It was out of line. I personally don’t know anyone who wears Aloha shirts to the beach.
Once we cross into “deliberately obtuse” territory, I don’t know if there’s any point going much further.
“A man’s own good breeding is the best security against other people’s ill manners.”
~4th Earl of Chesterfield
And with that, adieu.
Life imitates SDMB Threads
I attended a social function over the weekend, an old friend's son's marriage. My preferred suit was at the dry cleaners having done service at a surprise funeral a fortnight previous.
Suit number two britches split fifteen minutes prior to departure, a consequence of unmonitored stern lading. Since it was around a two hour drive to the nuptials, immediate repairs were dismissed. I wore nice slacks crisply pressed with harmonious jacket, shirt and tie. Not formal to be sure.
Upon arrival and joyful noise at the reunion of old friends, I went to greet the groom's step-mother ( friend's wife of about three years ). Upon approaching with a comment on how lovely she looked, she turned away without saying anything, not even Hi. I was very uncomfortable and this thread popped into mind. Later when my friend went outside for a smoke I joined him and apologised for my attire. He laughed and said I wasn't invited to see what I'd wear but to help him celebrate, and pointed out several other men dressed similarly. I noted some jeans and sneakers though no T-shirts.
His wife avoided me the rest of the evening, though she did talk to my wife.
So, am I an attention whore/loser/other, as many feel in this thread ? The couple were out to our place around Thanksgiving and all seemed well thus her snub was completely unexpected.
There’s no figuring people. I went to a wedding in a black dress and Mr. K in a suit. We were the only ones dressed up! One girl wore “her best leathers”. This was a garden affair with an arbor and the bride and groom dressed to the nines. Very strange.
I’m assuming “I should be able to wear whatever I want” means that.
And yes, if you can’t respect me enough to respect my wishes, you’d be a lousy friend. Sorry about that. I can’t believe you’d show up at a funeral for a friend dressed in a way they didn’t feel was appropriate any more than you can believe I’d rather not have you there. You’d distress my family. It isn’t worth it to have you distress my family.
No, you made an attempt and apologized for the circumstances. They were jerks not to accept your apology. That was as much as you could do.
If everyone had that attitude, civilization would be impossible.
Yeah, in Hawaii, where Aloha shirts are businesswear. I went to a very nice wedding in Waikiki where everybody wore Aloha shirts.
Carson O’Genic - maybe your fly was open and you were experiencing a “horses escaping the barn” situation unawares, and she couldn’t bear to look you in the eye for the rest of the evening. 