You know, it could be something totally unrelated. I was at a wedding once(in Puerto Vallarta) and the resort was serving Mexican wine. The red wasn’t good, but was drinkable, but the white tasted “like it was brewed in a garbage can” (my exact words, said kind of loud).
The groom’s wife glared at me like she wanted me to die. Which at the time, confused and worried me, despite the fact that she had neither chosen the place nor footed any of the bill for me or any of the guests.
My comment was “Surely she doesn’t actually like this?” after she’d walked off.
A year or so later, my fiance and I are over at the married couple’s place, and we relay this story, and the wife says (paraphrased) 'Oh… she wasn’t mad at you. husband’s mother was mad because husband’s brother had gotten so drunk earlier in the day that he passed out and didn’t show up to the wedding, and this type of behavior has been a point of contention in the family for some time. By the way, she was bitching about the white wine as well, you must not have heard her."
So apparently I hadn’t offended her, but just caught her at a bad time.
I’m finding this thread extremely frustrating (yeah, yeah - so don’t read it anymore). Still, I have to say that I’m really surprised by those saying they “just gotta be me” and think that dressing nicely for something is elitist or snobby or that the deceased isn’t going to care. For one thing, insisting that dressing up is stupid because it’s snobby sounds so much like my five-year-old self - “I don’t wanna wear the black patent shoes to Sunday school! They hurt and besides, dressing up is stupid!”
For another, at a funeral, you’re not dressing up for the deceased and you’re not dressing up for yourself. You’re there solely to support the grieving family. That’s it. You’re not there to have a party, you’re not there to relax and enjoy - you’re there to tell the people the deceased left behind that you’re there for them and to commiserate. Yes, you can commiserate in jeans just as well as you can in a suit, but the point (as has been stated before) is that regardless of the desire of the attendees, there are existing social conventions surrounding dress and a funeral is not the best place to challenge those conventions. You’re not sticking it to anyone but the bereaved when you do that. There’s a good chance that they won’t notice the way you’re dressed, but if they do, do you really want to be the asshole that showed up in shorts and sandals?
And realistically, I think it’s suspect to expect people to have a big party when you die. It’s a great idea in theory, but given that many people have the cold, dead body right there in the room with them - often with the casket open - as a constant reminder of loss, the likelihood of people raising the roof is pretty low.
Edited to add: yeah, I think that everything in the US is becoming more casual, but I’m not entirely certain it’s a good thing since said casualness appears to be based on the convenience of those being more casual. The point of politeness/etiquette is to make others comfortable, not to suit yourself at the expense of others.
We swung casual, but I think we are swinging back again - probably not to the formality of before, but to less casual than we became. When I started with my company eight years ago in the height of the dot com boom, no one cared what you wore to work, and so people DID wear their jammies. You weren’t going to tell the Unix guy to wear a clean t-shirt, you might not be able to hire another Unix guy. And so t-shirts and jeans become commonplace in the office - and anyone dressing up was suspect - even our management wore jeans.
The something happened and people started worrying about the impression they were creating at work. We still have people who wear jeans and t-shirts, but they are the ones that want to do the job they are currently doing for as long as they can - the tape jockeys in the data center. The woman who answers the phone. The really good Unix guy (the other one got let go). Everyone who wants discretionary bonus money, promotions, and to not be on top of the layoff list makes some effort to leave an impression on how they are dressed. Dockers replaced jeans. Collared shirts replaced t-shirts. Sweaters replaced sweatshirts. Our CEO started to wear a sportcoat over his rayon t-shirt.
And I think more people started to feel like dressing up socially was fun again. We went out to dinner the other night at a not too fancy place - and more people were NOT wearing jeans on a Saturday night than were wearing jeans.
I’m not going to get terribly far off topic here, but when my Mom was dying, she was VERY adamant that there be no viewing, no wake, no funeral. Her words exactly were, “So help me, I will haunt you for the rest of your life. Take the money, buy everyone a round of drinks and tell funny stories.” We did the best we could with her “life celebration” - no casket, no body, just a banquet room, dinner and photos everywhere. Anyone who wished to speak could, and while there were certainly a lot of tears, we were all able to relate some truly fun Mom stories too. Afterward, almost EVERYONE approached us and said “That was a great idea, I want the same thing when I die.”
My own religious beliefs do not allow for “traditional” funeral practices, and I have requested a celebration of life too, and my family and friends are on board with me here. If you wish to attend, I don’t care what you wear.
However. I don’t assume that everyone else would be OK with my choices for THEIR funerals, and unless specifically told otherwise, I will dress in what is traditionally considered appropriate.
I’d want the exact same arrangements as your mom. But only MY funeral is about me. *Other * people’s funerals are about THEM, and their families.
Seriously, the world would be so much better a place if people would occasionally just pull their heads out of their asses and absorb the fact that not everything is about them.
I think it’s awesome that your mom was able to make her wishes known well in advance so that everyone could honor them. Like everything else, there are exceptions to general practice - all funerals aren’t preordained to be morbid, sad affairs. But most of them just are because people are sad that their friend or family member has died.
*My main problem with increasing casualness and the evident (to me, anyway) decrease in etiquette is the “me” mentality. The point of dressing up for certain events isn’t personal comfort. And using a funeral as an opportunity to make a statement about elitism and clothing snobbery is not just in extremely poor taste, its really, really selfish. Etiquette is a system built on making everyone comfortabe - not just me (general me). In my opinion, funeral etiquette is extremely important given that you’re there to support people who have lost someone they love forever. The least you (again, general) can do is suck it up and dress nicely for the half-hour or whatever socially-accepted time you expect to be there.
Unless the deceased has been clear (like your mom) on what they want at their funeral, it seems to make sense to err on the side of caution instead of whining about a short time of personal discomfort.
*I get that this is a bit (or a lot) of a soapbox speech - I really appreciate LOW’s attitude as well.
Other than one guy upthread, how many others have said this? I believe there are several stating that at funerals they’ve attended, it has been viewed as perfectly acceptable by the family to be dressed less formally, but I only saw one that said no matter what the circumstances, “I’m wearing shorts and sandals” (and actually, I’m not even sure he took it that far). Please correct me if I’m wrong because truthfully, I only skimmed the earlier posts.
I agree with your first sentence wholeheartedly. But again, aside from that single poster, I believe others are doing as the deceased and family expect. Surely your view of the world is not myopic enough to think that there aren’t people in the world who would prefer an Aloha shirt funeral. Who’s to say that some family didn’t decree that Hawaiian Aloha shirts are 100% appropriate for the event? Maybe the bright colors are comforting.
Several people, including myself, have posted that this is exactly what they want of their funeral. I’d love for my funeral to be a party, with people relaxing and enjoying themselves and telling great stories about me. I can assure you that would make me smile more in heaven than a room full of people in black.
bolding mine.
Just to be clear, the “attendees” here are the tertiary guests and not the family, right? Surely social convention doesn’t take precedent of over the deceased and the deceased’s family.
Overall, this thread seems to be a whole bunch of posters ranting and raving about how people don’t do as they expect them to do, when they aren’t fully aware of the circumstances. Take the OP for example, he was the boyfriend of the sister of a friend and he’s complaining about how others are dressed. For all he knows, those were dressed “inappropriately” were the deceased’s favorite friends.
Bottom line, if it’s your family, you have every right to complain and mandate how people dress for the event. When it’s not your family, you have no right to complain or judge how people dress for the event. Don’t look through the window of a funeral/wake and judge those wearing hawaiian shirts, when you have no idea what’s going on.
I’ve attended many funerals. Some family, some friends.
No matter how many say it should be a festive occassion.
It isn’t. Someone has died and celebrating isn’t really going to mask it.
Celebrate the departed’s life for the rest of your life.
Feel free to mourn at the funeral.
Yup. That’s pretty much the way my family does it. The funerals are usually somber, tearful affairs, but not long afterward, remembering the deceased usually turns into the telling of hysterically funny tales of things they did or said, and remembering their quirks and endearing qualities.
One set of my grandparents died 10 and 11 years ago this coming September and just a few months ago, I was in tears thinking about them- not tears of sadness, but instead I’d teared up laughing at the crazy stories my mom was telling about them and my own stories about them. It was a really nice way to remember them.
You’re right - only a few people have espoused the view that they should be able to wear whatever they want to. This is one issue that is kind of a hot button for me, though, so I overreacted.
A friend of mine committed suicide in college and a few of her acquaintenances showed up to the funeral home in their sandals and shorts and tie-dyed t-shirts. Her family was completely distracted during the visitation. I felt bad for them because it was as though they’d been cheated out of some of their time to grieve by these kids who hadn’t bothered to dress appropriately. I guess I’m projecting, but that seemed so very selfish at the time and always strikes me as such.
I think that’s fantastic. But it seems unrealistic to me. Most funerals I’ve attended have been open casket - I know not all are. In fact, not all funerals even have the body there, but I think it would still be hard (some part of me at least hopes it would) for people to be happy knowing they’d never see there loved one again.
Yes, I was thinking more along the lines of people who would be visiting as an acquaintance but wouldn’t necessarily be close enough to the deceased to be certain about their or their family’s wishes.
Ok, maybe “party” or “festive” isn’t the right word, but I can’t think of how else to describe it. I just think that one can mourn and celebrate life at the same time.
The last funeral I attended was for my grandfather, he was a man who even at 90 years old, never grew up. At the funeral, it was almost as though those getting up and speaking about him were trying to see who could remember the funniest story. We were truly trying to celebrate his life. He’d lived a long, full, and wonderful life and we wanted to share that with all that were there.
Sure there were a bazillion tears, I myself went through nearly an entire kleenex box, but there was also quite a bit of laughter. There were my small cousins running around showing off their nail polish to the guests. My grandmother wore a bright colored hoodie, my aunt wore capris, and several other family members had on nice Aloha shirts.
After the funeral, most of us went to a local place and had a buffet lunch, complete with spirits for all. Several of the men attempted to drink scotch on the rocks in a tribute to my grandfather.
Overall, I think we did a really good job in celebrating his life and having a ‘party’ in his honor.
Here in Chicago, often there is a visitation (or wake) the day prior to the funeral. In fact, I’d say that wakes/visitations are better attended, leaving the funeral for the close family/friends. This is done in the Catholic community, but in some prostestant churches as well. I’ve only been to one Jewish funeral, so don’t really know their customs.
The w/v usually involves a condolence book for signing (this is at the funeral, too), a line of people waiting to “visit” the dead in the open casket, some if not all of the family present (sometimes the kids are not there). Catholics hand out a prayer card that has the dates of the deceased, name, and usually a Bible passage. There is no clergy present unless they are family/friends. There are no speeches, no public prayers, no music. The ones I’ve been to have no food or drink either (a wake used to have both, IMS). They take up to say 4 hours. The actual funeral may only be 30 minutes the next day. Protestant services usually take a bit longer (we’re shorter on the weddings, though).
So, a lot (it seems) depends upon the part of the country you’re in and yes, what class you belong to, as well as what are the established customs in your community. I see nothing wrong with nice, dressier clothes for a Hawaiian funeral–the tropics really don’t lend themselves to pinstripe suits. But I draw the line at flipflops and cut offs.
Quite frankly, it shouldn’t matter what the deceased liked-funerals are for the living. Being there may be the MOST important, but that doesn’t mean what you wear isn’t.
Aren’t you Mr Morally Superior? :rolleyes: I think this defense of wolfman is only a way to drive home your point: your comfort is more important than a social ritual that respects a significant change in social order of a defined group.
Do you wear flipflops and cutoffs to a job interview? Why not? Because maybe you wouldn’t get the job? There are different categories of clothing and funeral wear is one of them. Cling to your casual clothes and your righteous indignation as much as you like. People will no doubt be polite to you in public and deplore your choices (when the consider you at all) in private. This is the way of the world. If you don’t dress to match the occasion, you will be noticed and not in a positive way. If the social group you live in never has worn suit and tie, then by all means, practice the customs of your peer group. Just don’t expect the rest of us to do as you do or approve of it. About the only thing that I can think of that would make sense of your position is if you are in your mid-teens. Adults recognize the need for different approaches to different things.
sinjin, can you be clear on how you do dress for funerals? And what line you would draw that would be inappropriate - earlier you indicated ripped jeans (which we seem to agree on) and such would be inapproprate. Can you please expand. I suspect we are talking across one another.
I dressed in a way that most of you would consider inappropriate for the last two dead people events I attended–my FIL’s memorial service and my MIL’s twin sister’s funeral. I wore my best jeans and my best t-shirt (the one I wear for meetings at HQ). I also wore my Birkenstocks at my FIL’s service, but that was an accident…my husband forgot my only real shoes. FTR, even with the Birks I was not the most casually dressed at either occasion.
At the MIL twin funeral, nobody batted an eye…people were just glad that I showed up to support my husband and the rest of the family in their loss. And since I remembered my real shoes, I think some were surprised not to see me barefoot.
I did discover that my FIL’s wife was unhappy that I was dressed that way at his funeral. I found this out when I told her in an argument weeks after the funeral that her favorite grand-daughter and her daughter were dressed inappropriately and disrespectfully for a funeral. Yes, I, who dressed down for the event, had the nerve to call them on their attire. Basically, I’d rather see everyone is jeans and t-shirts than have to worry about my SIL or niece accidentally showing her ass when she bent over too far. Apparently in FIL wife’s eyes a short, sequined cocktail dress is perfectly appropriate for a funeral, but my best work clothes, which at least covered my whole ass, were not.
I was there to support my husband, his sisters, and their kids in their loss. Mr.stretch wore a brand new pair of jeans and his nicest button up shirt. And call me selfish all you want–I can’t afford to buy clothes that will only be worn when people die. I don’t do formal weddings, so I don’t have to waste money on useless shit for those either.
Just for the record, mr.stretch has already requested no funeral. He wants a party–Elvis Costello songs and good beer. Remembering him, not mourning him. After all, none of us gets out alive.
I have made it abundantly clear that money wasted on any type of event after my death will result in haunting if possible. So, none of y’all will have to worry about dressing casually enough to attend my funeral. However, this thread is making me want to have one just so I can stipulate cut-off jeans, with tube tops for the womenfolk and wife-beaters for the men. Or bikinis and speedos. Or muumuus and dashikis. It’s not too late for me to change my plans…
Actually I think a lot of us are talking across each other in here. At least I hope we are. As I said before I don’t attend many funerals, just those for very close family and friends. I don’t go out of my way to annoy grieving people if that’s what you’re asking. For the three most recent family funerals I’ve attended I wore a dress aloha shirt and dark pants. Trust me when I say the clothing was totally appropriate for all three as far as the deceased and family were concerned.
I wouldn’t think of attending a funeral in the aforementioned outfit if I had any idea that it would offend the family of the deceased. That would be rude. However, I also think it’s rude to go to a funeral, as the friend of a friend, and criticize basically everyone in attendence because they don’t measure up to my fashion standards.
I can completely agree with all the above. Maybe we aren’t that different. Although, I think its fun to people watch and then talk about it - and sometimes that’s “can you believe what she was wearing!” But I’ll agree that is not a very nice, polite thing to do. I have a secret vice in gofugyourself.
And if someone asked me to dress in an aloha shirt for their funeral, I happen to have one in my closet.
Heh! That’s my problem, I’ve grown a little TOO much in my dotage. The two suits I owned years ago seem to have shrunk for some reason. Couldn’t possibly be that I’ve gotten bigger.
Back in town now and going over old threads I missed. Thought I’d chime in on this one. No, since outgrowing my old suits, I’ve never bothered to have another one made. Of course, over here only politicians and high-powered businessmen chauffered around in air-conditioned luxury cars ever wear suits. I do think of having another one made from time to time, but really, when would I ever wear it? It would actually appear odd for someone like me to wear one to a funeral. Funerals here are social occasions, and people will show up wearing whatever. Only the immediate family will wear anything resembling mourning, and if it’s a Chinese funeral, then white is more appropriate than black.
At the funerals of both my in-laws, the only people wearing a suit were the top executives of my father-in-law’s company. Otherwise, a nice shirt and necktie is about as formal as anyone wants to get, and that’s what I wore. And even without a suitcoat, it was bloody hot, I’ll clue ya! We also have what is called a *kharachagan * shirt, a *kharachagan * being a civil servant. It’s a particular collarless style that you have to have made – I’ve never seen one on the rack – and they can be worn on even the most formal occasions.
