And of course it’s always nice to see the people who are so self-involved that they can’t put on a tie for *three freakin’ hours * to go to a funeral.
Seriously, what about “dress appropriately” is difficult to understand? Dressing appropriately does not necessarily require you to spend a lot of money, or to be uncomfortable. All it requires is that you take a few moments out of your life to contemplate something other than your own navel, like that maybe in any given situation, how you personally feel is perhaps not the overriding concern of the day.
My mother’s family is German study farm stock. You don’t wear your barn boots to a funeral, but no one is going to notice work clothes or care (unless you job is streetwalker - sexy is bad at a funeral). Showing up is far more important that what you are wearing.
My fathers family - particularly my grandfathers family - is like something out of the Godfather (not kidding, when my ex-husband was cheating on me my uncle pulled me aside to let me know “the family could ‘teach him a lesson in respect.’”) To them, respecting the family is Important, and one of the ways you respect the family is to dress appropriately for the family - whether its Christmas, a wedding or a funeral, you dress appropriately for the occation - and it doesn’t matter if you are family, or a coworker invited to the event - everyone is expected to know what appropriate is. To show up at a funeral in anything other than nice, somber clothes - you might as well walk up and spit on the corpse. They simply see it as a huge insult that you couldn’t take time to dress appropriately. And since I have plenty of distant cousins on that side who aren’t exactly wealthy who all own a dark suit for weddings and funerals, they do not understand that not having clothes is an excuse - having a dark suit (or funeral appropriate clothing) is something everyone owns - if you have to eat pasta without meat or cheese to buy it, and get it second hand, you own at least a pair of dark slacks, a white shirt, and a tie (or a dark dress and appropriate shoes).
As a result, I believe firmly on erring on the side of sober funeral formality, unless I know PERSONALLY and confidently that the deceased and their family feel differently.
So how did they know to do that? Was there something in the funeral announcement? “Please wear pink in honor of the deceased’s favorite color?” Was it a mass e-mailing? Posters on trees? Telepathy? They wouldn’t have done it if they hadn’t gotten some idea in advance that this choice would have been 1. appropriate for the occasion and 2. understood by the grieving family.
And I would hope that whoever was planning this funeral would have said to the family (unless it was a college memorial service in which the family was not involved) would have said, “You know, Anastasia liked pink a lot. Do you think it would be all right if we encouraged people to wear pink to this service?” and gotten the family’s vetting for it. It is a lovely idea, but some families, like Dangerosa’s father’s family, might see it as an affront.
I’m with Qagdop: Dress up if you can. Wear dark clothes unless you hear otherwise from a reliable source. If you can’t dress up, go anyway.
It maybe a bitter pill to swallow but open your mouth and get it down - beyond a certain age (I do think 18 is a bit young, I’d say 21) it is time for you to begin building a basic wardrobe including a suit for weddings/funerals. You don’t have to have a closet full of them (I have 8 - woo!) and you don’t have to even “like” wearing them but Big Boys dress appropriately to an occassion.
If this seems incomprehensible to you well… Bump got it right, you might just be a bit of a loser.
The older folks (30’s and up) have dressed appropriately for all the funerals and wakes I’ve been to – not necessarily suits but nice slacks and shirts on the men and dresses or nice pants and a dark shirt or sweater on the women.
The exception has been the teenagers. At my aunt’s funeral, one granddaughter wore a tube top. At another funeral, two nieces of the deceased wore open-toed party shoes and pastel tank tops, one with sequins. I was ashamed for them and for their parents. It doesn’t show respect to dress the same way at a funeral as you would for a party or a picnic.
So you’re claiming that it’s total coincidence that the “appropriate” clothes to wear are the more expensive ones, that are less useful for working men? That you didn’t notice that a rich banker’s work clothes are okay but a garage painters arn’t, so the painter has to buy a seperate set of clothes to not be judged a loser? Of course it’s elitism, you have to show you have money to be the right kind of respectful. One of the last bastions of elitism left that people proudly proclaim that a person’s character should be judged on the clothes they can afford to buy, and it’s bullshit.
Almost anyone can afford **one ** suit. What’s bullshit is that you seem to think that because you don’t feel like getting one, everyone else is *oppressing * you by pointing out that you’re dressed inappropriately.
What’s “elitist” about advocating for politeness and respect? And no one said anything about being “self-conscious about whether you’ve spent enough to please the rule-givers” – except you – so maybe you should try making your own argument without misconstruing the argument of others.
For my part, I agree that funerals are for the living, not the dead, so unless you are completely sure that you’re conduct of under-dressing for the occasion is not going to be misunderstood by the family of the deceased – the “living” that matter, in this scenario – you are much better served to dress appropriately for their sakes. That way, you signal respect for them and for the loved one they’ve lost. To me, flouting societal norms because you choose to make yourself comfortable, or you don’t want to spend a small amount of money, or you’d rather be a rebel than conform – that’s pure selfishness and nothing else.
When I see people underdressed or inappropriately dressed for serious occasions like weddings and funerals, I assume they are: (a) ignorant, (b) selfish, or (c) poor, and I mean really poor, as in can’t swing a suit coat from the second-hand store poor. None of those traits really concern me, though I find some more excusable than others.
If you want to decree that at your funeral everyone should wear Groucho glasses and clown shoes, fine. I have no problem with people dressing as directed (like “Aloha attire” or all-white mourning). But if we’re talking about a traditional American funeral for an adult, then ISTM to be safer in terms of the message you might convey to dress up than to dress down.
You can buy a suit for $6 at Goodwill. Skirts are $4; blouses are $3. Nobody is saying you have to wear Armani or Prada. As Sarahfeena says, you can buy one button-down shirt at JC Penney and wear it for formal occasions for pretty much the rest of your life.
Yes, yes and yes. It’s not “elitist” nor is it any kind of “well, we’ve always done it this way so it must be right.” Appropriate is appropriate. Some of us are more sticklers to Tradition with a capital T than others, but if you can go to enough of an effort to not wear cargo shorts and a ratty T-shirt to a funeral, you can go to the additional effort of wearing a damn suit or a dress.
Of COURSE there are exceptions - the oil riggers coming from the job, or the request that attendees wear pink - but unless it is utterly unavoidable or you have been informed of a specific request, it’s not up to you to decide that now would be a good time to stand up for your right to buck the trend.
What “working men” are you talking about, that can’t afforrd a single dark sports coat if they want to? We’re not in the days of Miss Havisham and Little Nell, you know.
By this token, all them poor oppressed working mens should be bowling in their work boots and swimming in their Carhartt overalls because, darn it, they can’t afford anything else, and expecting them to dress appropriately to the occasion is “elitism.”
The irony of your “elitism” claim is how patronizing you are in expecting people who are not economically advantaged to neither know societal standards for respectful dress nor care enough about them to follow them. That’s bullshit, and it’s bullshit many of them would not thank you for spouting on their behalf.
ETA: And as should also be obvious: If in your estimation the banker wears to the funeral the suit he would wear to work anyway, while the painter wears a suit he went and bought, and only wears on special occasions, it is the painter who is to be admired, by making what is for him or her far more of an effort out of respect for the dead. How is that an argument for more casual funerals?
Give me one objective reason why a suit is more respectful than an collared shirt and pants and why that is more respectful than a t-shirt and jeans.
Ill give you the reason; elitism. The Suit was an expensive tailored item that the rich wore to show off conspicuous consuption. They could afford all this crapfof often imported material. The colored shirt is the next pevel down. The maybe can’t afford the suit, but at least they can afford clothes that are less functional. Then the Jeans. Well you don’t want to be seen in Jeans. That means you work for a living. Your clothes must be tough and functional and protective, while the noble man in dress pants at his noble job needed worry about losing a crease let alone tearing his pants on an exposed bolt, or burned by falling ash.
It is simply left over bullshit from the days when men wern’t considered equal, and today’s elitists shove it is people faces whenever then can feel superior by judging a man by his clothes.
Just one objective reason why a suit is more respectful than a t-shirt and jeans, that isn’t based on the dark days of elitism and class oppresion?