So if I was a lawyer and wore a suit everyday it woud be ok for me to wear an Aloha shirt to my Dad’s funeral? Just want to be sure I’ve got the concept straight.
So you’re saying your self-expression is far more important than anyone else’s comfort level. And that’s fine, as long as you realize that a lot of people see that as selfish (because it is) and will factor your selfishness in to their general feeling about you. If you don’t put other people’s feelings before yours sometimes, it’s kind of ridiculous to expect them to give your feelings any consideration.
You feel free to wear a Hawaiian shirt to a funeral, and I will feel free to think you’re disrespectful and selfish.
Look, this forum is IMHO. The OP’s original question was:
After noting:
Recall that the OP had only a tenuous relationship to the deceased: the sister of his GF’s friend. So the thread starts out with a peripheral mourner dissing the attire of a bunch of people he probably doesn’t even know. We know what his HO is already.
Then a number of fashion police step in and state that if you don’t own a suit and tie or have a little black funeral outfit at the ready in your closet you are a complete loser. Fine, that is their HO.
IMHO funeral etiquette has changed quite a bit in the past several decades. I gave examples from the last three funerals I attended where I was a member of the immediate family. No one in the family gave a rat’s ass what people wore (maybe we’re just strange that way, although others in this thread have expressed similar opinions.) If the OP had attended any one of the three as a peripheral mourner I’m sure he would be in here dissing any number of the other attendees as disrespectful. But, I assure you there was no disrespect involved.
This is not to say that every funeral is the same, nor should they be, again IMHO. The funeral of a child, which I have thankfully never had to attend, is completely different than that of a 90 year old man who has lived a full and joyous life.
However, if you absolutely want a black formal funeral event these days and it’s going to give you serious mental pain if someone shows up in a blue suit you might want to state that in the obituary. Or maybe just have a bouncer at the door.
I don’t think that black is necessary, I think anything reasonably subdued and reasonably dressy is fine.
Also, if you live in a culture where everyone at a funeral is going to be wearing an Aloha shirt, then by all means wear one. The point is to dress appropriately, and that of course will vary from place to place.
Apparently, there is even a convention for what type of Aloha shirt to wear, so it’s not like it’s “anything goes,” even in more casual cultures.
What is HO?
And no one here has complained about someone showing up in navy vs black. I will say this: if you come to a funeral or memorial service (or wedding-if the wedding is formal) and have not dressed appropriately, you will be judged–by the staff who work at the funeral home or church/place of worship, the congregants, the mourners (if they notice at all) and by passersby. Yes, it is disrespectful, even if the deceased has told you to show up in scrubs. You are marking the passing of someone whom you loved or knew. Out of respect for others, whose feelings may range from devastated sorrow to joy and back again, you dress formally and soberly. You are not a free spirit or morally superior to others because you choose to wear flip flops to a funeral–it’s not enough to show up in life. Surely we all know that by now, no?
I have head of one funeral (of a nurse) whose coworkers all came in whites as a sign of respect for her dedication to her profession. I think that’s incredible and could easily see paramedics etc doing the same. I suppose if the deceased worked at McDonald’s his coworkers could all come in their paper caps etc…
Even if your office is the most casual thing going, appropriate adult attire for a funeral is slacks, sober shirt, leather shoes (no tennies or Crocs etc), I prefer a tie, but I’m willing to close my eyes here, and the equivalent for women. This means no cargo pants, no cropped tops, no micro minis or baby doll T shirts etc.
Participating in rites of mourning is an adult task. Why wouldn’t you want to resemble an adult when you do it?
Sinjin, the question we are answering is “has funeral ettiquette changed?” And the answer is “sometimes, but if you don’t know, err on the side of caution.” To which some people are answering (ok, wolfman) “I should be able to wear whatever I want.”
At the funeral the OP went to, if EVERYONE was dressed casually, no problems. If you are going to my great aunt’s funeral - matriarch of a mob related family - and don’t dress nice, don’t be surprised if my second cousins take you out back of the funeral home to teach you a lesson in manners. (Not that I think beating people up is more polite than wearing jeans, but we are talking cultural relativism here).
My folks told me about a funeral at their church(where I also used to go) in which some young adults friends of the deceased(she’d been kind of wild) showed up in really casual dress. Nothing was said by the family, but one of the folks from the funeral home leaned over and told one guy to take off his backward facing ball cap.
I prefer formal dress, but I’ve heard of funerals where the deceased had left instructions that attenders wear bright clothes, because that’s what the deceased liked.
And this is what bugs me about this whole debate: The selfishness. People saying things like, “This is how I dress, and if anyone is offended sucks to be them,” or “This is how I dress, and anyone who doesn’t like it can kiss my ass.” For those who assert their right to dress casually at funerals – not intentionally casual funerals, but traditional funerals, dress code be damned – the rationale is always “I want to be comfortable; this is how I dress all the time” and I, I, I and me, me me. It doesn’t make me more tolerant of the under-dressed, it makes me less so, because if this thread is anything to go by, it appears that peope dress inappropriately not out of ignorance but because they honest to God don’t give a shit about other people’s feelings so long as they personally are comfortable.
Well said, Jodi. And I will add that it also shows a contempt for social customs and a lack of civility. It’s drawing attention to yourself when the attention should be on the deceased memory and the grief felt by the mourners. This is why most funeral attire will never be seen on Project Runway or Milan–it’s supposed to be classic/formal, even a bit frumpy–certainly not cocktail dressy or trendy. It’s not about the wearer of the clothes.
Tux places rent out black ties (and black tie, but that’s different), and black suits, as well as black armbands (but the funeral home usually has those) for the pallbearers.
The more I think about this thread the more irked I get–could we just take 2 hours out of our constant me, me, me love affair and put on some slightly uncomfortable clothes and focus on the fact that someone who mattered is now gone. Wth?
I agree with those who say you should dress up for a funeral’s and other special occasions but disagree that this takes any particular form. The most recent funeral I attended was my grandfather’s. He was the most universally beloved member of my extended family. The majority of the family is Mormon so a lot of the guys had dark suits to wear. But there were plenty of guys wearing things like khakis that are less formal than a suit but still more formal than their every-day wardrobe. My grandmother was the only woman in the family that I recall wearing black. The rest of us wore dressy clothes in a variety of colors. I personally wore my newest nice outfit - a white blouse with a red skirt and matching high-heeled sandals. The notion that one must wear dark colors to a funeral is rather outdated. I expect that in the near future it will become just as disregarded as expecting a widow to wear mourning for the rest of her life.
I’m so sorry.
Again, bright colors, as long as they aren’t neon bright, aren’t too big of a deal.
Aloha shirts-I’m guessing a dressy-ish silk one?
This thread is disgusting me, big time. Again, if you can’t be bothered to at least make an effort, then either stay home, or suck it up and dress appropriately. As stated before, it’s not about YOU.
A lot of people do not own funeral clothes, so they dress in their nicest outfits.
And I answered the question above and so have many others with “Yes in many instances funeral etiquette has changed.” When you go to a funeral with 500 people and only one is wearing a suit and no one is offended it’s pretty damn obvious that things have changed. My point is: don’t go to a funeral where “everyone” or even most people including the family are dressed casually and complain that everyone but you in your black crow outfit are being disrespectful. To me that is disrespectful.
Rest assured I will not be attending your great aunt’s mafia funeral nor her great-grand-nephew’s wedding. I can say with utmost confidence we move in different circles and have different values. 
Beware! Beware! The SDMB Fashion and Etiquette Nazis are making pronouncements! Let all take heed! Even though they haven’t the faintest fucking clue as to the families involved, or any other circumstances surrounding a particular funeral, They Have Spoken! Obey, lest ye be smited by their Holy Wrath!
(or is that “smote”?)
No wrath involved, only disdain for self-absorbed creeps who seize on “fashion has changed” as an excuse to be a self-indulgent slob. Grow up, already.
This thread is interesting. It is very clear that when I next go to a funeral (I haven’t been to one in decades), there will be lots of people there scrutinizing and judging my attire and “tsk-tsk’ing” my clothing choices.
It’s also interesting and surprising that the SDMB seems to be full of those people who would be judges.
FTR Mrsin did not just grab the first aloha shirt he found in the closet the am of the funeral. He knew his Dad was dying and months before went shopping (by himself, a guy who never shops) and bought a silk Tommy Bahama shirt with a black background and subdued print. He wore this shirt one time and will probably not wear it again. I find that much more refreshing then the wearing of a generic black suit, white shirt and regimental tie. YMMV.
I wouldn’t be so sure. You probably wouldn’t travel in those circles, but I’ve been to three Star Trek weddings, a Buddhist wedding, a few pagan weddings. I know people who are atheist hippies and people who are conservative Christians. My acquaintances cast a wide net and have a wide variety of values. I don’t know how many circles you travel in, but I travel in more than one.
And if I get invited to a Star Trek funeral, I dress as appropriately as I can - not owning a Fleet Uniform myself, I ask.
But no, if you can’t dress in traditional funeral appropriate wear, you don’t need to worry about coming to my funeral, even if we become best buddies.
Well, that’s what I meant.
And there ya go. I wouldn’t hazard the chance of getting beat up at your funeral so would have no desire to attend, no worries mate. 