Ok, another example. My niece wore what would be considered by many on this board as a “slutty” outfit to my FIL’s funeral. She also got up and sang to her Grandpa, in her beautiful crystal clear voice, an incredibly moving rendition of “Amazing Grace” with tears running down her face thru-out. There was not a dry eye in the place when she was done. Was she disrespectful? I don’t think so.
I’m not saying you or anyone else should wear an Aloha shirt to a wedding or a funeral. I won’t tell you what to wear if you don’t tell me what to wear. Although, Mrsin has indicated that ties and hand-guns should both be confiscated at the entrance when he is laid out for his funeral.
My mom’s favorite aunt died a couple of years ago, and her step-granddaughter (the only other woman there under 30) and I were the only women who didn’t wear pants. It was March and there was snow thick on the ground, but I was suprised to see slacks on all my older relatives. I guess things have really changed, since they wouldn’t have dreamed of wearing pants the last funeral I went to, twelve years ago.
I always assumed people were supposed to wear black at a funeral. When my uncle died a few weeks ago, I bought a black skirt, shoes and top. I turned out to be the only person in my immediate family to wear black.
His closest sister? She wore jeans, tennis shoes and a leopard-print top (actually rather tasteful and attractive, if you can believe it.)
His bereaved mother? She wore jeans, tennis shoes, and a plaid shirt (though she is partly disabled so her inability to wear certain clothes comfortably may have had something to do with it.)
My 4-year-old niece? Why, a white and blue sundress with a floppy white hat.
Only his kids, 9 and 5, wore suits, but they were dark blue rather than black.
All his childhood friends (he died at age 30) wore polos and khakis, including the guy who found him dead.
It struck me as odd, but surprising, and it made sense. Since I was there while they were clothes shopping, I saw the chaos abounding. They weren’t wearing black not because they didn’t honor my uncle, but because they were so aggrieved and frantic to take care of details that what they were wearing was the last thing on their mind at the time.
Nobody else seemed to care what anyone else was wearing. You know, because someone died.
Perhaps it’s because I grew up in a culture where attendance at funerals of people you don’t necessarily know very well is expected (like if the grandparent of a friend passed away). It’s just second nature for me to assume that dark colors will be the norm, and safer to assume so than showing up in something else and possibly offending someone’s sensibilities.
I swear to God I was adopted so maybe you are my bro or at least a cousin. Mrsin and I also wear Hawaiian shirts to work every day. He works at power plants and every job he goes to all the mill-wrights wear them one day too. Burly manly men in Hawaiian shirts with hard hats, it doesn’t get any better than that.
I remember attending the funeral with my close Nintendo kid friends. It was for their grandfather who had an honorable funeral. But they were dressed in khakis or sweaters and so was I. They took it pretty well, though I sure they still miss him. Kids are resilient.
Nothing like the human bonding/corpse management rituals to bring out the realization that not everyone lives in the same culture. There are cultural divides from one county to the next, never mind one country to the next.
Having occasion to plant two of my near and dears, I cared not what the attendees wore, only that they cared enough to come. Around my parts you wear your nicest outfit that isn’t also your dressed-to-get-laid ensemble.If that’s khakis, so be it. I have a couple of sedate dresses on standby myself.
I went to a funeral mass where someone came in a sweat suit and sneakers. No one said boo to her- we were all just glad the widow was well enough to attend at all.
My husband wore his only suit (at the time) to my Mom’s funeral, but he wore slacks and a nice shirt (no tie), to the viewing. There were several snide remarks made because he wasn’t wearing a jacket at the viewing. The same people thought it apropriate to bury an 83 yr. old woman in a leopard print dress.
OTOH, when my husband’s grandmother died, I wore black pants on one of the viewing nights when the other women wore casual dresses. Nobody said anything. But when I wore a black skirt suit to the funeral and everybody else was wearing the same casual dresses, my ears were burning 2 weeks later.
Apparantly, I was trying to act like I was better than them or something.
Hope I’m never so successful or make so much money that I think I can just do whatever the hell or wear whatever the hell I want when I want. That is just full fledged snobbery.
This debate rears its ugly head every so often around here. I am old-school on the subject. Black isn’t required, but it is preferred. Non-playwear is expected. There really shouldn’t be an exception to the rule. If you know you’re going to a funeral after work, bring something suitable with you and change before you show up at the funeral home. When our nephew died, people showed up in cut-offs and dirty tennis shoes “because that’s the kind of guy he was.” Whatevah… :rolleyes:
If you don’t currently have a pair of black slacks and a suitable blouse or shirt, get these items. This isn’t a huge expenditure. If you don’t have the money, save up a little each week and put this outfit in the back of your closet until needed. It can’t hurt to dress traditionally for a funeral. It just might make the survivors feel good that someone who never dresses like that took the time and effort to do so for a couple hours.
If Aloha shirts are considered acceptable in your neck of the woods, that’s perfectly fine. Depends on where you live.
And as for the first, it depends on what you mean by “slutty”.
Again, dark colors aren’t really a big deal anymore. But dressy? I would say so.
(BTW, it has nothing to do with honoring the dead, so much, as showing the mourners that you care enough to make an effort.)
Now, when I die, I don’t give a shit what they do with my body. But for my funeral/memorial service/whatever, I would hope that people at least care enough for my friends and family to again, MAKE AN EFFORT to appear half-way decent. Meaning no jeans, tees, shorts, sneakers, tank tops, etc.
And finally, for those who consider dress clothes “elitist”, suck it up. Or stay home.
As Yogi Berra said, “You should always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise, they might not come to yours.” Or something like that.
Movie scene that sticks out in my mind: in “Fried Green Tomatoes” at the funeral toward the end, Smokey Lonesome is nearby but not standing with the rest of the mourners. Reason: He didn’t have a decent set of clothes.
Dressing appropriately is about respect for the dead. JMO, YMMV.
You know, Guin, I think I have to agree. If you are going to show up at a funeral for someone close to me (my own, I probably won’t care being dead and all, but I’ll make my preference known), show some fucking respect and dress appropriately. Or don’t come at all, because its disrespectful to show up unless you make some effort. And, when I’m the grieving survivor of the deceased, don’t be surprised when I take my anger and grief out on the improperly dressed at the funeral.
Appropriately - no jeans, subdued colors, collared shirts. My friends can celebrate my life all you want in black - God knows I went to enough parties with them when they wouldn’t wear any other color. Though funerals aren’t really a celebratory occation. They are reflective - and a means to dispose of a corpse. Not really an excuse for a party in my world.
Visitations are different. Wear whatever you want to the visitation.
And perhaps this is the crux of the matter. If you’re going to funerals of people you don’t know, don’t you think it’s a bit presumptious to judge the attire of those in attendence who did know them well and know the family well or are the family?
I will concede that if you are routinely going to funerals of people you don’t know well having a one size fits all uniform in the closet is certainly a timesaver.
Actually, I think that is the crux of the matter, but from a different perspective. I not criticizing the immediate family. If they want to show up in Daisy Dukes and flip flops and Harley Davidson ballcaps - its their funeral. Want to have a Star Trek funeral, that’s your business. I’m not talking about them at all. The people I’m talking about are the “support mourners” - the folks who knew the deceased at work. The friends of the daughter there to be supportive. Unless they know that the immediate family won’t mind casual clothing, they should dress in funeral traditional.
No, it’s the difference between mourning death and just another day in your everyday life. It’s not something you do every day, so you wear something you don’t wear every day.
I wear black most of the time anyway, so I take a cue from some Eastern cultures and wear white to funerals if I can. But formal-ish white - mandarin shirt and white jacket & pants. 's fairly common in my circles, anyway - Buddhists & Hindus abound.
