Dressing casually for funerals?

In My Humble Opinion
121

[QUOTE=Santo Rugger]
Go shove it. I borrowed a tie for my* final* presentation, out of respect for the people I’d been working with for up to twenty hours a week for a situation where I was going to be 1/4 of the center of attention for a full hour. I bought a suit for a wedding when I was 24 for a situation where I was going to be at the peripheral of attention for an hour.

At a funeral, I’ve never been the center of attention, thank Og. So, you and MeanJoe and LifeonWry and anybody else who agrees wholeheartedly with your post that someone is a loser just because they don’t wear a suit to a funeral can pull the stick out of your bums and realize that not everybody needs a suit, so they wouldn’t have one on hand for a funeral. I’m pretty much the antithesis of a loser, and I don’t need to prove my credentials on a message board, but take the blinders off, drop your brush, and think for a second that in many circles, and especially Gen X and Yers, informal =! loser.
[/QUOTE]

My apologies on misreading your post.

It still doesn’t mean I agree. My friends are all Gen-X, and I’m pretty close to my younger brother and his friends (Gen-Y), and all of them have suits, and wear them to weddings, funerals, etc… It’s what’s appropriate, unless you’re some sort of “dickhead man-child”, Big Lebowski Dude-style slacker, or greasy IT/computer dork who doesn’t even own slacks.

I will agree that there may be funerals where people don’t dress in suits, just like there are weddings where people don’t dress up. That’s a totally separate issue from flat-out not having a suit available for the more usual sort of funerals and weddings.

I guess my feelings are that if for some reason you can’t afford a suit, or can’t get hold of it in time for the funeral, then it’s better to come and show your respects than not to come at all. Hell, my wife’s family was most touched by some of the visitors at her mentally ill aunt’s funeral, and most of them were also mentally ill or extremely poor, and weren’t dressed in suits. They were just touched that they showed up at all.

On the other hand, if you can manage to shell out the $400 or so for a suit, shirt, tie, belt and shoes, then you damn well should, because it’s customary, appropriate and expected in normal American society.

122

[QUOTE=Zsofia]
I’m 28, but I’m Southern, so I may have a higher expectation of respect-oriented dress than people from, like, LA.
[/QUOTE]

I’m recently turned 26, but I do come from a conservative family.

Also, perhaps I move in a limited social circle, but I’m fairly sure this belief that certain occasions require certain attire is shared by all my friends. None of my friends are well-off or socially conservative, though (least of all me), and most of them are younger than me. Guess we were just bought up proper. :wink:

123

My father died a year ago. I wore khaki pants and a nice light blue polo shirt to the funeral. “Short Pants” wore his jean shorts and a white t-shirt if he had worn something else we all would have thought something was wrong with him. My son wore his basketball jersey because that is what my dad loved to see him in. I usually dress as I did for my father’s service for other’s servicies. Bring there and supporting the family is much more important than what clothes you wear.

124

[QUOTE=Santo Rugger]
I’m pretty much the antithesis of a loser, and I don’t need to prove my credentials on a message board, but take the blinders off, drop your brush, and think for a second that in many circles, and especially Gen X and Yers, informal =! loser.
[/QUOTE]

MeanJoe = Gen X
MeanJoe = Ex-skater punk
MeanJoe = Hi Opal (I’ve never done that before, I feel so… strange)
MeanJoe = 1 tat, 3 piecings (I’ve had as many as 6 piercings at one time)
MeanJoe = Long-time snowboarding GOD (Okay, just demi-God but damn I’m good)
MeanJoe = Spends most his time (warm weather) in cargo shorts and t-shirts
MeanJoe = Raised by single, uneducated mother so not “elitist” rich white boy
MeanJoe = Still smart enough to know that even among “Gen X” and “Gen Y” it is time to grow up and own a suit and dress appropriately for certain occassions. (Jesus, the oldest Gen X’er is 42 now for Cristy’s Sake! The oldest Gen Y’s are almost 30)

If you are almost 30 and you do not own a SINGLE suit for weddings and/or funerals - you may not actually BE a loser but… looks like shit, smells like shit, tastes like shit… must be what??
MeanJoe

125

I just skimmed past the last several million argument posts, so I may have missed someone saying something like this, BUT -

I have been criticized (on two occasions, both by older relatives) for wearing clothes that were felt to be too formal for modern funeral wear for a young person of semi-close relatedness. (Both were dark dresses.) Standards have apparently changed. Perhaps the young people in the OP have been told the same thing.

Not that I’d necessarily go with the bright colors, of course. What colors are we talking about here? I wouldn’t have a problem with red, but florescent orange would surprise me.

For the record, the third funeral that I have attended was my father’s in late February this year, to which I wore a white shirt with a black pattern on it. He was a Buddhist, so the white part was what I was going for and was requested for me to wear as a family member. It never occurred to me to wonder whether or not slacks were appropriate - I don’t think that I even own a skirt anymore, even for formal occasions. I’m pretty sure that nice slacks are accepted as formal for every occasion other than those that call for a ballgown. :confused:

The only people from Dad’s funeral whose outfits I can recall are my husband’s and my step-mother’s (the latter because she was dressed in the same outfit my father was wearing :rolleyes: ).

126

[QUOTE=wolfman]
Give me one objective reason why a suit is more respectful than an collared shirt and pants and why that is more respectful than a t-shirt and jeans.
…
Just one objective reason why a suit is more respectful than a t-shirt and jeans, that isn’t based on the dark days of elitism and class oppresion?
[/QUOTE]

Because it is the attire that we, as a society, have agreed upon is appropriate. By our dress we are saying: this is an important occasion, and we acknowledge that fact by wearing the clothes that suit it.

Nothing elitist or oppressive about it – no more “oppressive” than wearing a uniform. on a job that requires one.

So if you choose to wear something different, you are presenting yourself as an iconoclast – “Society’s norms are not important to me.” That may or may not fly with the other attendees, so be prepared for the consequences.

127

Funeral director’s daughter here, gasping in horror at the idea of JEANS AND A T-SHIRT at a funeral! No, absolutely not!

[QUOTE=wolfman]
Give me one objective reason why a suit is more respectful than an collared shirt and pants and why that is more respectful than a t-shirt and jeans.
[/QUOTE]

Because it shows maturity, and the idea that at least you give a shit about at least being respectful. That you took the time out to look presentable, not like you just threw on something you found on the floor.
Sometimes, whether we like it or not, dressing up DOES matter. Funerals are definitely one of those times. If you can’t at least make an effort, then please, stay home. You WILL be judged, and if that’s being elitist, so be it.

For the rest:

Okay, as far as bright colors, meh, the dark color thing isn’t really done so much anymore. Women, a nice dressy dress, or dress slacks and a pretty blouse. Sleeveless in the summer time is okayI wore a sleeveless dress to my grandmother’s funeral, with a nice pair of dressy sandals.
My sister wore a dress very similar to mine-both were brown.

Men-a suit is preferable. If you don’t have one, a pair of dress slacks, button down shirt, and a tie, and and if you can, a sports coat. Again, at Gramma’s funeral, my cousin Josh, who is in the National Guard, wore his uniform.

A polo and khakis (hopefully a nice, dressy pair) is fine. The above is better, but as long as it’s nice, and clean, and something you could wear to an office, that’s all right.

You do NOT have to be rich to find the above. If you absolutely have to, borrow from a friend. A second hand shop, or look for sales at local department stores. It’s a good idea, in fact, to have such clothes on hand, just for such occasions.

No-nos: As above, jeans and tees, also shorts, capris, sneakers, etc.
I hope this was helpful.

128

I’d have to join the “no jacket or tie=loser” camp. Some of you guys have no idea how a woman feels when occasionally you take her out to dinner in a jacket and tie.
So if it’s sittin’ around anyway, why not wear it to a funeral?

129

[QUOTE=various people in various forms]
Being there and supporting the family is much more important than what clothes you wear.
[/QUOTE]

This line is really getting tired.

Yes, being there is more important than the clothes you wear.

However, this does NOT mean that the clothes you wear aren’t important AT ALL.

Get this: Two things can be important AT THE SAME TIME.

130

[QUOTE=jimpatro]
I’d have to join the “no jacket or tie=loser” camp. Some of you guys have no idea how a woman feels when occasionally you take her out to dinner in a jacket and tie.
So if it’s sittin’ around anyway, why not wear it to a funeral?
[/QUOTE]

Because it oppresses your original snowflake proletarian spirit, my dear. You didn’t get the memo? :rolleyes:

131

Maybe dress codes are some leftover elitist snobbery social form we cling to. A funeral, however, is not the proper place to express your political views, as has already been stated by other posters in this thread. So unless you get an explicit memo that Uncle Jim wanted you to come in your undies with your nipples pierced, there’s no harm in putting on some nice dark clothes before going to pay your respects, unless you’re absolutely unable to because your house just burned down last night.

132

Hahaha, you are all so funny. I’m glad I don’t know any of you in real life so I won’t have to go to your formal funerals and be looked down upon because I refuse to wear the official uniform of bereavement as dictated by ???. Probably the same person who previously dictated that white shoes before Easter or after Labor Day was an affront to civilization as we know it.

I’ve been to three funerals in the past couple of years (Dad, brother, FIL). My son, husband and I wore Aloha shirts and slacks* to all of them. No one in the immediate family was offended or surprised in the least. We went to celebrate our loved ones lives not mourn their deaths. If any one else was offended, too bad, so sad, sucks to be them.

BTW my husband and I are “successful” enough in our fields that we don’t need to dress for it anymore. He does not own a suit and has not worn a tie** for at least 20 years.

But feel free to classify us as losers if it makes you feel better. I personaly think the losers are those mooing along with the crowd pooing on those who don’t agree that somber formal wear is the only appropriate thing to wear to a funeral. I can’t even imagine dissing someone for wearing a polo shirt to a funeral. Gah, you guys need more important things to worry about. Can I interest you in peace in the middle east?

*30 years ago I would have been vilified for wearing pants to a funeral.

**Except for the tie that came with the tux he wore for our daughter’s wedding. Which was shed along with the pants in favor of board shorts later in the evening. Oh and for the trifecta of fashion violations I wore a black dress to the wedding. I am sure we will all be condemned to fashion hell forever and ever amen.

133

[QUOTE=sinjin]
I’ve been to three funerals in the past couple of years (Dad, brother, FIL). My son, husband and I wore Aloha shirts and slacks* to all of them.
[/QUOTE]

Why?

This isn’t meant to be snarky. I am simply trying to understand the mentality behind deliberately wearing something colorful and casual to a funeral, other than a situation where it’s understood that such were the wishes of the deceased.

If someone you were close to died and you knew they came from a conservative family, would you still wear Aloha shirts to their funeral, barring some kind of notice asking you to do so?

Before this thread, I never would have considered wearing anything other than dark, semi-formal clothes to a funeral. When I am dressing to go to a funeral, I automatically reach for such clothes. Therefore, from my point of view if you are wearing supercasual and colorful clothes to a funeral, it requires some sort of decision to do so. So if it doesn’t MATTER what you wear to a funeral, why would you insist on wearing something that is obviously going to stand out and possibly distract from the proceedings at hand? (Unless everyone else is doing the same thing and you know for a fact that none of the close family will care.)

I swear, every time the subject of clothing comes up on these boards I feel like I live in some weird alternate reality.

134

[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee]
I swear, every time the subject of clothing comes up on these boards I feel like I live in some weird alternate reality.
[/QUOTE]

Me too, though I usually stay out of clothing threads, reading and shaking my head with disbelief.

Actually the Dope is the alternate reality. Most people I meet in real life, while not particulary formal, or particularly fashionable, manage to dress in some semblance of appropriateness to most occasions.

135

I feel exactly the same way. I guess I don’t really know how to explain it. I don’t go to funerals/weddings of people I don’t know well. The people I know well, know me well too and would not expect me to wear some strange outfit that was totally anathema to what I would normally wear. If I’ve spent 20, 30, 40 years hanging out with someone and never wore a little black suit in their presence even once why would I wear one to their funeral? Maybe it’s the difference between mourning death and celebrating life?

136

[QUOTE=HazelNutCoffee]
Maybe dress codes are some leftover elitist snobbery social form we cling to.
[/quote]

They are somewhat, IMHO.

But I certainly agree with this. Social conventions may be objectively silly, but they’re conventions because many people take them seriously and no one is going to be more serious than at a funeral. There is no reason to not at least make the attempt to try to conform, out of politeness if nothing else.

Now if I worked at a job with a dress code ( I do not, exactly ), I would probably quietly subvert them in as low-key and inoffensive way as possible in the hope of lowering overall standards. My little contribution to anarchy and the decline of American culture - I fucking hate ties :p.

And as it happens this forty year-old currently doesn’t have anything dressier than dockers and couple of dress shirts ( and okay, two ties, which I never wear ). But that’s only because I outgrew ( heh ) my last jacket and haven’t needed to dress up for anything in awhile. But if something like a funeral came up, I’d go out and buy the necessary duds.

137

I just got back from my father in law’s funeral. It was in a semi-rural area in the northern US, and about 500 people came. My husband and I were in the receiving line, so we saw all of them. I was pretty surprised by the dress code (this was a regular, formal funeral.) I would say that less than 5% were wearing dark colors, about 25% were in jeans, only one person I can remember out of 500 (not immediate family) was wearing a suit. No one looked like they had come directly from work, but who knows (evening funeral).

This man was 68 years old, and most of the people who attended were adults. I guess things have just changed. I would never have gone to a funeral in clothes like most of the people were wearing, and I still wouldn’t, but I’m not going to judge an entire community for what is apparently the standard dress code at a funeral in that area. I was surprised, but I don’t think any of the family felt disrespected by the informality.

138

[QUOTE=sinjin]
I’ve been to three funerals in the past couple of years (Dad, brother, FIL). My son, husband and I wore Aloha shirts and slacks* to all of them. No one in the immediate family was offended or surprised in the least.
[/QUOTE]

Sis, is that you? :smiley:

I got married in a Hawaiian shirt, I wear them to work every day, I wear them to funerals, and I’ll be wearing one at my funeral. Anybody who doesn’t like it can kiss my hairy white ass. I gotta be me, no matter the circumstances.

139

A lot of you need to realize that people’s ideas of “semi-formal” and “nice” clothing varies, and are not by definition exclusively a dark suit and tie. You come across as being small-minded pricks when you make blanket statements like “all adult men who don’t own suits are losers.”

I have never been to a funeral where the men wore black suits and ties. If they did, most people would consider them overdressed. Every funeral service I’ve been to, the men have worn dark Aloha shirts, usually but not necessarily with a dark background, and dark slacks. I highly doubt any of my adult male relatives currently own any suits. None of them are losers.

The reason is suits are not considered “fancy date attire”, “job interview attire”, or anything short of semi-formal attire. When semi-formal attire is recommended, Aloha shirts are listed as acceptable altternatives. As far as I can tell, guys only wear tuxes or suits for proms and their weddings.

We’re not expressing a political view or showing off how much more laid back we are. We’re not being lazy slobs. It’s simply how it’s done. I venture to say anyone who has a problem with it would probably be told to go back to the Mainland.

The only events I’ve attended where anyone wore suits and ties are weddings, and for almost all of them, the suits and ties were unique to the wedding party. The majority of male guests wore their finest button-down short-sleeved print shirts.

140

I go to at least a couple of funerals a year. ( Small town, business, extended families, etc, etc.)

I have a couple of black options. Nice black long dress, or black shirt and slacks. I wouldn’t dream of wearing anything else. Every year, I am becoming more and more of the minority. People will show up in whatever. To me, dressing more formally is a sign of respect to the family, and the acknowledgment of a solemn, special occasion.

And all the women/girls who show up in tank tops or have their belly exposed, seem to be able to fix their hair and put on makeup, so obviously they’re making some effort. So, they are either making a deliberate choice to flaunt societal norms, or they are ignorant.

Men showing up in T-shirts and jeans are viewed the same way. Now, when my brother in law died, there were people that were not solemnly dressed, and we were very happy that they made the decision to come. But yeah, they were underdressed.

Funerals and death make people weird, and sometimes that’s how they express their discomfort.