When I was a young boy of about 9 or so I had a bag of M&Ms. Not having video games back in those days, kids like us had to find “creative” ways to entertain ourselves. One way I found was to take an M&M from the bag I had, throw it up in the air and catch it with my mouth.
I was quite surprised to find that my acumen for catching tiny, flying, pieces of candy, through the air was quite good. With each piece I would challenge myself even more by throwing the candy further and further up in to the air. The last piece I threw was a good 15 or 20 feet up in to the air.
If at this point you’re thinking to yourself: “Shakes wasn’t exactly a child genius.” You would be correct. My admission the the Mensa society is still pending. But anyway…
As I stood there with my mouth wide open awaiting the sweet delicious treat to plop ever so softly in to my mouth, I thought to myself: “If I catch this, I am truly the most awesome kid on the planet!”
As I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, my dreams of being the most awesome kid on the planet did not come to fruition. Oh, I caught the M&M alright, but the velocity of the candied treat was such that it managed to lodge itself deep in to my throat.
A nightmarish feeling came over me as I gasped for air. It was like an ominous black hole collapsing in on me. My thoughts went form “Most awesome kid on planet” to “Holy fuck! Death by M&M is NOT the way I wanna’ go!”
Fortunately, as if by magic, the thing managed to unlodge itself from my throat.
The lesson I took away from this was: “Don’t play stupid games!!”
FF 30 years later: I’m on my way home from work. I know I’m out of toilet paper so I stop by the grocery to pick some up among other various items.
I get home and go directly to the kitchen as that is where the bulk of the items I bought are going. As I’m putting the items away, I see that I left the bathroom door open on the other side of my master bedroom. I thought to myself: “Hey, I bet I can throw this single roll of TP I bought and throw it across the dining room, the bedroom, into the bathroom and it will land perfectly on to the bathroom counter.”
(Sigh)
It didn’t quite work out that way. The damn thing made it to the bathroom but it bounced off two walls landing in the fucking toilet. Tah Dah!!
Now I’m left with this big blob of wet tissue. I suddenly remembered that lesson I learned long ago: Don’t play stupid games!!
PS: I have to take a shit.