No-strings sex is often what one needs after a breakup, and if you want to, you’re free, why not? Although I agree with others that this guy sounds creepy, and his being pissed off when you didn’t just say yes is a bad sign.
I’d also like to say that, in my experience, any guy who actually tells you he’s going to blow your mind is so self-involved that he’ll have no idea whether he’s blowing your mind or not, just so long as you moan enough to validate his inflated self-image. “I think you’re hot, let’s have no strings sex” is honest. “I could blow your mind” is either yuckily dishonest, or a sign that he’s deluded enough about himself that you probably don’t want to mess with him.
I ran into a creepy guy like this a few weeks ago. I even had the same “this guy is creepy…but he WANTS me, and who else WOULD?” thing going on. I, too, went through a horrid breakup back at the beginning of the year, which I’m mostly over but not entirely so. And it was damn scary the way my mind was saying, “BAD IDEA! WHOA GIRL! YOU ALWAYS SAID YOU’D NEVER DO THAT SORT OF THING!” while my body was saying, “I’ve MISSED that! I WANT that! HOLD ME!”
I ran. And I suspect that’s the only reason I have any self-respect right now. This guy could have done weird and scary things to my head. That’s the last thing anybody needs after a breakup.
Also, I didn’t get the impression that he got “pissed” when she turned him down. He just rolled his eyes and said “C’mon”. To me it sounded more like a cajoling tone than an intimidating one.
The pissed part was after the “C’mon”, you missed it:
I like jackelope’s observation that “honesty is often the socially inept person’s substitute for tact.” Yeah, he’s claiming no strings, but he was pushing a bit hard for something that’s supposed to be just a little bit of casual fun. He knows you’re hurting, and now he knows he’s got you interested, even if you did say no. I’ve got nothing against a little casual sex as some on-the-rebound fun, but I wouldn’t trust this guy.
Yeah, I don’t think I’ll call. I was tempted for a bare minute, but after a good night’s sleep and talking it over with a friend I decided against it. Even if it were fun it’s not what I need right now and Zoey, as interesting and odd as he is, is probably also not what I need right now.
I think part of the reason I considered Zoey was that he was such the exact opposite of my (now ex-)boyfriend. Physically, personality-wise, etc. they’re so different, not to mention how blunt Zoey is compared to my ex’s wishy-washy ‘I have to find myself’ crap.
Sigh. My ex wants my mind but not my body. Zoey wants my body but not my mind. I can’t seem to win!
The only part where I think it’s creepy is where he got pissed. If he really had the laid back attitude he was trying to espouse, he wouldn’t have been pissed. If she is just looking for some no-strings-attached nookie, she could make the day, week, and year of some nicer, not so creepy, decent guy.
I can’t for the life of me understand why anyone would share in something so intimate with someone that they don’t trust and already have a relationship with. I would definitely suggest against the hook up. I surely would never date a woman who has a reputation for one night stands.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with hooking up with someone for sex and nothing else. I think there are times in one’s life when it can be very positive and healing. I also think Zoey’s direct, honest approach is exactly the right tactic to take when you’re looking for this type of relationship.
But just because you’re receptive to a casual fling right now and this guy was direct and honest about wanting that doesn’t automatically make him the ideal candidate for said fling. If it feels wrong, don’t do it. As a woman, you’ll find most guys ridiculously receptive if you tell them you’re looking for a no-strings-attached physical relationship, so there’s no reason to rush into something you don’t feel right about.
I thought that crap was about four decades back in the rearview mirror.
You can date or not date who you want to, AFAIAC. But this ‘reputation’ bit, OTOH…
…makes me think of a time, about 25 years back, when I was young and single. I visited a friend in another city, and he, his GF, and I went out for pizza. GF brought a friend of hers along that I’d never met before. GF’s friend and I start flirting, and flirt some more. After the wimmin confer in the bathroom, GF’s friend and I go back to her place. We didn’t have sex, but we had some pleasant unclothed fun together. Don’t think either of us got a ‘reputation’ out of the deal.
I’m a prof. and I have to tell you a story that you may find anecdotally helpful:
A few years back there was a prof who worked in the Philosophy department, he was a friend of mine, we hit it off from the start and would sometimes go fishing or for a drink together. As a married man it was kinda weird for me to see 'Bob’s dating style, as it was something that was totally foreign to me. And it is what eventually led to him being fired from his position, and what ended our friendship.
Bob was an extremely intelligent man, PhD in Philosophy. He was tall, longish blond hair “think Robert Redford” and he had that way about him where he knew he was smart and he used it to pick up women. He was hypnotic in his demeanor, over confident and seemingly uncaring if things didn’t go his way. I once watched him pick up this woman at the casino in less than 20 minutes.
Did I mention he was wealthy? They had a room in the casino hotel and that was it. That quick. I soon came to the realization that no matter how smart this individual was, he was a letch.
I began to distance myself from him until one day when I saw something that I could not believe.
I saw him with a student. A very attractive student - dance student if I remember correctly. I decided it was non-of my business but I still could not get the image out of my mind…As to how he got her to do whatever he wanted, about how he wrapped her around his finger with his wit and cunning.
Three weeks later I was covering for one of his classes as the dean came into speak with me. Bob. Is no longer at the college. He has been dismissed due to “conflict of interest with a student”
A few weeks later I saw him at a pub we used to frequent I was with my wife and he was with a very young looking woman. We sat next to him and he told us some cockamamy spiel that he left for another job. When I looked into his eyes, he could see I knew better.
The point is, there are very smart dangerous men out there who only want one thing. Zoey was up front about it, but you do not know who he is and/or who he was.
My advice is stray away from him.
Honestly, I was getting a creepy vibe way before the ‘pissed’ reaction. Here’s why:
I’m a guy and I’ve known many other men who women tended to descibe as “hypnotic” or “charming”. Without exception, they were all manipulative bastards. In fact, I personally think that the word charming is often a euphemism for manipulative. Some people just have a way of getting what they want, and they know it. My experience with these people (male or female), is that some of them aren’t too reluctant to use their persuasiveness. Any time I hear someone described as above, it sets off warning bells in my head. Sometimes that hypnotic quality is just a facade and once you know them better, their ugliness outshines the veneer. I’m not saying that every charming man or woman in the world is a jerk, but I do think it means you should be a little cautious in your dealings with them to be sure that you aren’t being manipulated.
The way this guy moved right in with the “Did you sleep with him?” question leads me to believe that he saw the OP as an easy mark right from the beginning. Him getting ‘pissed’ at the rejection just tops it off. I think he knows how to manipulate people and he’s used to getting what he wants. I rather doubt that he would even care how much of a good time a woman had with him, as long as he got off. That ‘blow your mind’ spiel (in addition to being terribly cheesy) was just another way to try and convince her to go along with him. Nichol_storm, I think you did the right thing in staying away from him.
Well, it would at least be a red flag in my book. I mean, if the girl I was seeing had instances of hooking up, even if it was just once, it would raise too many concerns in my mind.
“Hmm…why are we waiting a month to start having sex when she had sex with that one guy after only one night?”
“She says she loves me, but since she’s been intimate with people that she HASN’T loved, how do I really know?”
That kind of stuff. Or it could just be because I’m stupid and have never been in a relationship and don’t know what I’m talking about. Basically it would just raise too many jealousy issues. I’m finally learning to accept that I most likely won’t lose my virginity to a fellow virgin, but I still feel that it’s reasonable for me to draw the line with girls who would have sex with no strings attached.
And DON’T try to say that it’s a sexist thing, guys being able to be promiscuous while girls can’t, because I don’t think that is right at all. I would have included guys who have had one night stands on my red flag list, but since I’m not gay, I didn’t.
“You’re in college, live a little. You’d really enjoy it, I can tell. I could take you back home right now and blow your mind.”
To which your response should have been
“Sorry, I don’t go home with men I don’t know. You’re gonna have to fuck me right here.”
Not really. Your recount of events reads like he was slowly increasing the pressure. You said no because you weren’t comfortable with the situation. If you become more comfortable in future encounters with him, well, his cock ain’t going anywhere.
Thanks y’all! I’m glad my brain won out over hormones and bruised pride so I didn’t do anything I’d regret. Turns out a friend of mine knew Zoey from before and he’d been waaaay too forward with her – he didn’t try to rape her or anything, but he was much too bold and put too much pressure on her.
Otto, great line! I’ll use that one on him if he shows back up whining about me not calling him.
Anyway, I’ve talked to an old buddy of mine today and while nothing may come of it, I certainly know him a lot better than I know Zoey and I know I can have a worthwhile conversation with him. Thanks y’all!
