I shamelessly ripped “The Simpsons” when a friend, who was dashing off a note to her husband to leave at the house, mumbled something about her cursive being terrible, would he know what she was saying?
Storm: “Mine isn’t. I know them all: Shit, hell, damn, fu-”
Friend: “Storm!”
The way I heard it was, “About 20 drachmas a week.” 
It’s even funnier if you spell it correctly: “pyjamas”.
Reported as true by a friend who’s currently in the hospital. He had a stent inserted by way of a vein in his thigh. A nurse stopped by to check the healing of this incision, which meant temporary removal of his gown and “full exposure”.
When she was done he asked, “So - how does it look?”
“Really quite good.”
“And the incision - how’s that?”
I must have waited four years to get a chance to use this one, but finally I had a customer in their office kitchen pour a cup of coffee and then hold it out to me and say “Coffee?”
I responded, “Why, yes, it is.”
A few years ago here in Springfield, IL, a freight train derailed. One of the employees, who was new to the job (he was in his first few weeks), somehow was in the wrong place at the wrong time, and died.
I was telling Mrs. Homie about it, and midway through my sentence about the guy’s death, I realized that I couldn’t continue without making the most obvious joke in the world. It came out. I realized, to my horror, that I had totally dishonored the guy’s death to make a cheap, and obvious joke. Mrs. Homie was in stitches.
Anyway, my description of the guy’s death went like this:
ME: "The sad thing is: he had only been working on the railroad … for the live-long day :eek: "
In response to a Bush speech about the lessons learned in Vietnam:
Friend: “What lessons were those?”
Me: “The most famous, of course, is ‘never get involved in a land war in Asia’, but only slightly less well-known is ‘never go in against a Sicilian when death is on the line!’”
I don’t get it.
I’ve been workin’ on the RAIL road, all the live-long day.
I’ve been workin’ on the RAIL road, just to pass the time away…etc.
I asked the ER doc if I’d ever be able to play the piano again… after I shattered my ankle. He did make a good pretense at being amused, but I guess they get that all the time.
Reminds me of one Mr. S pulled on me:
I was in the kitchen and thought MR. S might like some tea, so I shouted to him in the living room: “Want me to put some water on for tea?”
Him: “Sure!”
Me: “What kind?” (thinking I’d get the teabag ready in the cup)
Him: “HOT water!”
The bastard.
One of my patients did a twist on this. I asked if he’d been having any trouble concentrating on anything for very long. He paused, blinked, and asked me, “I’m sorry, what were you saying?” He did it so convincingly that I actually started to repeat the question, but then he was grinning ear to ear. Argh!
Two of my roomates were talking the other night and one said to the other: “I’ve never met your mom before, do you have any pictures of her?” Before roomate #2 could answer, I mustered by best Goucho Marx impersonation and said: “Do you want to buy some?”
I fnd myself compelled to go with
Me: Do you need a hand?
Them: Yes!
Me: ::clap clap clap
Just today, I was in line at the DMV when some guy came up to me and said,
“Excuse me, is this the end of the line?”
To which I responded,
“No, this is the FRONT of the line. We’re all standing backwards now.”
Got a good laugh.
Driving home tonight, I was told to make a left onto Plank Road.
Me: “So, it’s time to turn onto Plank Road?”
My Father: “Yes.”
Me: “So, it’s Plank Time!”
My students will often complain, in the middle of class, “I’m hungry!”
I’ve gotten in the habit of replying, “Hi, Hungry. I’m Ms. Phouka!”
My husband: “Make me a sandwich.”
Me: “Poof! You’re a sandwich!!”
My friends are in the habit, when leaving the group briefly (for a “rest break” or to answer the phone, what-have-you) of saying, in a bad Schwarteneggar accent “I’ll be back”, to which I always reply “I’ll be Mozart”
My ER doc fell for it. But I was 11, with a broken leg, and it was 1979.
“Will I be able to play the piano, with my leg in a cast?”
“Of course you will”
“Good, cuz I can’t now, and I don’t want to take lessons.”