Saw this one in the latest batch of spam I cleaned out of my inbox. Now, I’ve gotten plenty of offers for breast enlargement, which I don’t want, because I’m a guy and my breasts are already too damn big as it is. And I’ve got plenty of offers for penis enlargement, which I have carefully saved and filed for future use.
But this is the first time any one has ever offered to enlarge my mangina. Raises all sorts of questions, though, doesn’t it? Such as, is a larger mangina really all that desireable? Generally speaking, wouldn’t you want a smaller one? That seems to be the popular wisdom with vaginas, anyway. Heck, wouldn’t most female-to-male transsexuals want to get rid of it altogether? Sort of the whole point of gender reassignment, right? Do they also send out spam with the title, “She-Males! Increase beard stubble growth by 50% in only two weeks!”
So, of course, I clicked on the e-mail. How could I not? Apparently, the spam was a gift from a friend. Which is odd, because I’m pretty sure any friends I have who would care enough about me to be concerned about the size of my mangina should also know that I do not, in fact, have a mangina. At least, I think they know. It’s not like it’s ever come up in conversation before. I’ll have to make a point of mentioning this fact to everyone I know from now on. Casual-like, of course. Just slip it in subtly. “Hey, Miller, how about them Broncos?” “Pretty good! I think they could go all the way, this year. Incidentally, I don’t have a mangina.” Something like that.
Further troubling news: the friend who sent me the spam is using the product himself. Now I’m not going to be able to sleep until I can figure out which of my friends has a mangina, and why he’d think I have one, too. I’m not at all sure how I can go about discovering this, though. I’m thinking of installing pressure sensors in my toilet seat and throwing a beer blast, to see which of my friends is sitting down to pee. Or I could just ask. Whoever it is, they don’t seem to be shy about having one: they CC’d the e-mail to about fifty other people, all with e-mail addresses oddly similar to mine. Kind of wierd. What are the chances of knowing someone whose e-mail is machume@hotmail.com and someone whose e-mail is gachume@hotmail.com? Especially if the two people don’t know each other? Still, stranger things have happened.
I was curious as to exactly how the product works. The title of the spam promised “no medication,” so I assume the enlargement works through some mechanical means. The e-mail did include a handy picture of what their product looks like when it is placed in a box and wrapped up with brown paper and twine. Good to know what to look for when it shows up on my doorstep, but not hugely instructive as to its actual function. The spam promises to increase a mangina by as much as three inches in less than ninety days. Doesn’t say in which direction, though. Length? Width? Diameter? Now, as I mentioned earlier, I don’t have a mangina, but I think that if I were to increase the size of any orifice on my body by as much as three inches, I’m damn well going to want some medication. On the rocks with a squirt of seltzer, at the very least.
Frankly, at this point, I was starting to doubt the veracity of the whole spam. But then I saw the text at the very bottom: “As seen on NBC, CBS, CNN, and FOX.” Which seemed to be exactly the proof of legitimacy I needed. Unfortunetly, though, this only raised more questions. Like, “Should FOX be in all caps like that? It’s not an anagram like the other three networks.” Also, “How was it seen on those networks? Was the story, ‘Fifteen dead in tragic mangina enlargement disaster?’”
Because that might make me somewhat disinclined to order the product.