My youngest brother hates bugs. Really, really hates bugs. Last night, it seems, he found an ant in his bathroom, and he was rather upset about it. He decided to combine paranoia, literal Talmudic logic, and the verbose melodrama more associated with his other siblings; he spent the next thirty minutes writing a hysterical (in both sense of the word) phone text on the Evils of Ants:
Well; well well. It appears there is an ant in my bathroom. Now I know what you are thinking. ‘Really? You are scared of an ant?’ But its not what you are thinking. The ant is the smallest animal in the animal kingdom, yes, even smaller than the bacteria. However it is not the infinitesimal ant which that terrifies me so. Not the tiny creature known as Formicidae in some circles that inspires me awe and fear. It is not the singular insect, having of six legs, two antennae, three separate body parts that triggers the distribution of cortisol and adrenaline. Nay (naaaaaaay) it is the simple fact that it is never just one ant. The motto of the ant race is ‘one for all and all for one’. First the ants seized the means of production and now, many moons later, the ant society is strictly a fascist one. The brainwashed ants believe in the three 'U’s: Unity, U-community and absolutely destroying the earths population by a mere numbers game. The poor manipulated ants just have child after child to be used to get the ant colonies goals-by any means necessary. The fourth doctrine of the supreme leader ANTiochus the forth is the brutal and scary system known as the buddy system. Where one ant is there must be at least a minyan of other ants around. So when you spot an ant it would be folly to assume (that makes a donkey out of the both of us) that the ant is alone. Therefore I give this message to you with dire urgency. There is a singular ant in the downstairs bathroom. But by gezera shava it can be inferred that there are at least 10 male ants over the age of 13- if not more- hiding. Waiting to pounce and feast on the innocent and unsuspecting. So call up the marines, coast guard, national guard, army, navy, air force, reserves, and of course the Civilian Conservation Corp. Assemble and route out this evil. This plague that is afflicting the lower right portion of our house. Get rid of these Domestic Terrorists for once AND FOR ALL!
I thought YoungestBro was doomed to be the boring, sensible one of the family, but it looks like he’s ready to join his older brother and sister in exploring the fine line between creativity and crazy. sniff He’s all growed up…
Tell him he needs an antidote.
sounds like the little critters are giving him a real bad case of heartburn,
better give him an antacid.
If you want to really freak him out, send him a link to Antweb . It is actually a very cool site…as long as you don’t have a bug phobia.
