A long time ago I had a truly shameful relationship with a boy. I felt that the relationship was wrong because I was, as the boy knew, unemployed and desperately lost. Nevertheless, the relationship grew, awkwardly, lasting just under a year. This was a romance fuelled by loneliness; a relationship based on some imagined feeling of what it’s like to belong, be settled, and be optimistic. Sadly, we both found ourselves in a relationship that neither inspired optimism nor a sense of belonging.
I have found myself in a couple of relationships, which, it seems, only serve to keep me from feeling alone. Whilst this may seem very sad (and even parasitic), all my relationships are propelled by a misapplied need to somehow settle. I’ve been aware of this feeling from a young age. As a teenager, I found myself homeless, the causal effects of which led to low level, sustained, mental health issues – and I have never fully shaken off the frenetic, desperate fog I felt back then.
I’ve been provided with a rainbow of information regarding feminism, socialism and oppression – most of this has been given to me with an intention to rally up support – all of which has been delivered with an earnest conviction. Whenever I talk to such people, or get into an extended debate, I tend to feel one of two things:
a) Some activists, not personally familiar with the grim realities out there, fall back on an angry call to sedition. Whilst anger is more than justified, indeed needed when addressing oppressive, intransient people, there remains a genuine lack of understanding between some of the activists who speak on behalf of the oppressed. These good people remain away from stresses and obstacles facing the very people they represent. In this sense, the overwhelming noise is that of anger and isolation, not optimism and support.
b) When I talk to people in grassroots projects, the situation is different, staff and clients often talk about a sense of support; there is often a feeling of community. Confidential information is safely shared - and genuine insights develop over time.
So what’s this got to do with my ridiculous, past relationship?
I found that oppression restricts a person’s ability to be in a healthy relationship. These are the kind of restrictions that fly in the face of equality, while simultaneously addressing a need - that could be confused with selfishness – to feel loved. I also found that the battle against oppression is seductive.
I was once the victim of oppression, and during this time I found myself with people who became angry on my behalf. We spoke about love and longevity, but never spoke about the gulf between us - we were only interested in an anger the united us – which felt exciting and important. This anger was enough to make us think we had something meaningful in common, when; actually, it was the very thing that divided us.
My point is: politicised activists often talk about the concepts and belief systems that – provided you have access to books and journals – can be universally shared and debated. Nevertheless, this is only a normative debate, based on ideals. I have considered why I find this problematic, and I think it’s the sheer presumption of it. I’ve often found myself in conversations with activists who are so far removed from the injustices that they are railing against, that it’s hard to imagine them in conversation with the people they’re fighting for – let alone relationships.
Anyway I dated these fellows and it was fine. It ended. I still think about it sometimes - equality and ideology and such.
does anyone have any thoughts on this?
