Mallhuggers is my personal slang for a type of friend we all have: they used to be your co-worker or neighbor or classmate or friend-of-a-friend or whatever, and you liked them well enough- maybe a lot even- but they weren’t close enough that you kept in touch with them when you left school/got another job/moved/whatever. Now they’re the type of acquaintance that you’ll go years without seeing but even so if you run into them in the mall you’ll hug them (hence, mallhugger) and catch up for a couple of minutes before going on your respective merry ways.
So, I just came back from dinner where I ran into a mallhugger friend, the mother of a B-list friend I had some years ago, and we hugged and chatted for a few minutes and went our respective merry ways. The lady’s about 60 now and since the last time I saw her- probably 5 years or more ago- she’s lost an arm. Of course I was dying of curiosity, but “How in the world have you been? I was thinking of you just the other day? And where the hell did you leave your arm?” seems a bit rude and forward.
It’s happened before- sometimes the person’s in a wheelchair now or they’ve lost a ton of weight and not in the good way (i.e. they look like warmed over death) and obviously you want to know what happened, but you don’t want to make them uncomfortable either.
Your opinion:
1- IS there a polite way to ask “what happened to your arm” (or whatever)?
2- Is it inherently and intrinsically rude to ask “what happened to your arm” (or whatever)?
I abstain because it’s clear that the person obviously knows that you’ve noticed they have fewer limbs than they used to so it puts the ball in their court if they want to answer it, but even so… there’s still the concern and curiosity factor.
You could always go with…“There’s something different about you, have you lost weight?”
Ok, if you don’t like that option then in general I would say it would not be polite to come right out and ask. I would let them bring it up if they wanted to.
You know, I think it depends on your comfort level with the person. There’s no clear-cut answer - if I saw a very casual acquaintance I haven’t seen in a while, I wouldn’t be mentioning it. But if I saw, for example, an ex-girlfriend (who I left on good terms with) missing an arm, I’d almost certainly ask. Did she seem to be relatively happy and confident despite it? Then maybe you could get away with bringing it up. If it seemed like there were sour feelings and pain around it though, probably best not to. It’s a judgement call.
I suggest you stare at the place where the arm used to be, until they ask you why you’re staring
On a more serious note, I’d make a casual mention of the last time you saw each other (roughly, of course if you don’t remember yourself) and they might notice there have been significant changes in their own lives since last you met.
After all, if enough time has passed, something like having lost an arm may very be the “normal state” to them by now.
I would ask them. I’d just say, “what happened to your arm?” If they get offended, fuck them. It’s a straight up question and you’d be seriously in denial to think that people don’t notice it and don’t wonder why it happened. Asking a stranger would be totally inappropriate but if it’s someone you knew, even casually, what’s the problem? It’d be way, way more awkward to act like the arm’s not missing.
First of all - LOVE the term “mallhugger”!
I would ask, but it would go something like, “Oh, my, what happened? You don’t have to tell me, I know I’m being nosy.”
Of course, for me to have been close enough to someone in the first place to hug them in a mall, I’d be fairly sure they wouldn’t be offended too much by the question.
I think it would be weird and awkward if you didn’t address something as obvious and significant as a wheelchair. The arm, maybe less so. I think it would be fine, but I would frame the question as one of concern and not pure nosiness. I would say something like, “Oh my goodness! What happened? Are you okay?” If they don’t want to tell you what happened, they could just focus on the latter question and tell you they’re fine now.
Seems to me like people with an obvious disability not only have to live with it, but are constantly reminded of it. Maybe it’s even more annoying to be hounded about it by a well-wisher than by a jerk who makes a disparaging drive-by remark; you can’t just say “Fuck you” and go on your merry way. I’ve had temporary, but obvious and serious-looking physical “differences” before–specifically, huge benevolent lumps on my head that were (edit: much later) removed with plastic surgery. I had them when I was in boot camp and thus forced to have my head shaved–and for a while it was fun to joke about it with whoever brought it up, but when I went around everywhere hearing “Hey man, did you know you have these gigantic lumps on your head?” from different concerned strangers several times a day it got old real fucking fast. Especially since they always wanted a full explanation. Fortunately, a buddy of mine started jumping in to the conversation every time and invent distasteful stories of how I’d gotten the lumps in epic battles–with him, or with drill sergeants, fellow trainees, cafeteria contractors, etc.
Since your mallhugger friend didn’t have a buddy there to deflect your questions with improvised war stories, I would say just ignore the whole thing. I’m sure they’ll be happy to talk to someone who doesn’t bring it up.
Good and fine, but when you say “I’m fine now”, nobody stops there and says “Oh, OK! Good to hear. Hey, did you see the game last night?” This doesn’t just apply to my head-lumps thing, I had to do this–and go through the entire story from beginning to end–continuously for weeks after my recent ER visit.
I really don’t know if I’d ask or not, but I’d definitely get on email at home and ask my various gossip sources if they knew what happened to Buddy’s mom’s arm.
I think the key factor in this situation is that you know this person. This person is not a stranger. Therefore, it seems polite to enquire about their wellbeing.
I had a three-legged dog. He was hit by a car (before I adopted him) and eventually lost his leg (after I adopted). Well… he didnt’ lose it, it was removed and then disposed of by a qualified veterinary surgeon.
Anyway, every time we went out, people would ask what happened to him. It got really annoying answering the same question all the time. I know they were being nice, but… blah. Having conversations with all those strangers all the time… blah. However, I would expect, and never minded, when people I knew asked about him.
First, you smack her across the face and say, "Pull yourself together, woman!’
Okay…that was mean.
I honestly don’t know how I’d approach that situation. I can’t help but think any inquiry would be considered rude by the Ms. Manners types of the world. But as another poster suggested, I’d do some snooping to find out what happened. Did you get her son’s phone number? I’d start there.
I don’t think its appropriate to ask directly for the reasons Fetus brought up - especially with someone who is to remain a mallhugger (i.e. you don’t really CARE how they are doing, you are simply asking because “there is no arm! How could that happen!”), it may be appropriate to allude to, if the opening arises. If you DO ask, you have to be prepared to stand in the middle of the mall and hear the whole tragic story however long it takes, however boring it is - you provided the opening (NEVER ask a bride how the wedding planning is going). If this is a mallhugger that you want to reestablish a relationship, trade phone numbers, get together for coffee or a movie a few times and then say “you know, when I bumped into you in the mall, I had no idea that you’d…, can I ask what happened.”
It may be appropriate to ask of a mutual friend later “I ran into Brad Johnson in the mall the other day - I hadn’t heard he was in a wheelchair!” if your curiousity cannot be sated.
Granted, I’ve never had an obvious, embarrassing physical ailment, but I would think it’d be incredibly awkward to talk around the elephant in the middle of the room.
The more I think about this, the more I think you shouldn’t ask her. She might have lost that arm in some really horrible way that she can’t bear to think about and every time someone asks her about it it’s like stabbing her in the gut with rusty knives.
However, if you can be really cheerful and friendly and make a non-offensive joke about the arm, something that she can respond to with a meaningless pleasantry, than go for it.
A bad way to handle would be:
Her: “So how have you been lately?”
You: “Can’t complain, still have all my arms and legs.”
A better way:
You: “Did you have two arms last time I saw you?”
I think it’s rude/inappropriate personally. I had a cane for about 6 months after having back surgery and it drove me up the freaking WALL when people asked about it. Casual aquaintances, total strangers, cashiers- everyone wanted their curiosity satisfied (because I was young and healthy looking). It drove me absolutely bonkers. No one was ever satisfied with “I had back surgery”. They wanted to know when and what kind and what caused that and OMG GOD and blah blah blah. And if I said “I’d really rather not discuss that with you.” they would look all put out like I’d ruined their favorite show. Maddening.
I think if the person wants you to know what’s up, they’ll tell you. That goes for people with casts, wheelchairs, crutches, missing limbs- whatever. When you say “Hi there! How are you?” they’ll say “Well good, except I lost my arm in a wood chipper” or whatever. That’s your opening to ask whatever you want. If they don’t then don’t bug them.
I’m with the “don’t ask, let her tell” crew because it does get tiresome. I had to wear a brace on my leg once for about six weeks, and boy did it get tiresome telling people why.
Plus the missing arm is the only injury you know about. Could be she was in a horrible auto accident and her kidneys are now twisted around her liver and her brain sees purple when others see green. You got no idea. Don’t open the can of worms unless the other person does.
Or that somebody else was killed, which is why I didn’t ask. My nightmare was “Oh, I was driving drunk and ran over three nuns and five of their preschool charges- but one of the nuns is going to be okay if she ever comes out of the coma”.
