Heavy duty mouse trampling device.
Pencil.
Ha!
Pencil: Cleavage of graphite demonstrator. (OK, only funny to geologists).
Ummm…(this is fun!)…the next word is soap.
Stress Reliever for the Cubicle Farm Denizen.
Pork Chop
Soap = Personal hygiene facilitation fluid/solid
Pork chop = Edible porcine flank derivative
Condom?
Reproduction delivery inhibitor
Shoehorn
Pedal insertion assistive device
Next: Telemarketer
Telemarketer: Dire Disembodied Verbal Demonic Parasite
Web Designer
Web Designer: Arachnid structural-engineering consultant.
Congress.
Device for turning hot air into bullshit.
Don’t you mean, male bovine fecal matter?
Toaster.
Anyone who read Bloom County knows that a trash collector is a “waste management artisan.”
Sheesh.
Sheesh: Epithet Indicating Peeved Exasperation. 
Weed Whacker.
Weed Whacker: Mr. Weed’s much-appreciated friend.
Handjob.
Mr. Weed’s much-appreciated palmist friend.
Clock.
Tick-tock machine. (I’m uncreative today. Shut up.)
Looking at porn websites while at work.
Portable bread-heating device.
Another victim of simulposts: Warranty manager/clerk
What Exit?: Your definition of “telemarketer” is actually more of a dysphemism, or even a cacophemism. Then again, it is a more pleasant description of telephone solicitors than the one you’d have posted were this a Pit thread…
A quick trip to visit the unemployment fairy.
Walking the dog.
Spousal-independence therapy
Colonoscopy
Hyperinvasive internal dignity extractor.
Baseball
Life
Football