I have always imagined that I would make a pretty good villain in an alternate universe where I had no conscience and it was cool to wear long black caps. But I suspect that somehow, in that brief pause that always seems to happen when the villain is about to kill off the hero, I would always flub my final threatening line and say something like:
“You shall pay for your impotence!”
“I shall grind your bones into a fine powder and serve them in a tapioca pudding!”
“You will make a fine meal for my Tiny Hamsters of Doom[sup]TM[/sup].”
“You would not be facing imminent death at my hands had you not killed my brother. What do you mean you didn’t kill my brother? That’s a nice photograph, but what’s that go to do with anyth…well, now that you mention it, I do see the resemblance between the two of you. Look, I’m really sorry about this little mix-up, let me undo that wrist restraint for you and well call it even.”
And I’d wear a cape (as well as a cap). 
Now you shall (cough, cough)…Excuse me for a moment…(Cough, cough, hack, cough, hack, hack, COUGH)…DIE!
Your attempts to foil me are as sad as those cute puppies on the inspirational posters.
Wolverine, you have the perfect sig for this thread.
Thank you, I thought it was appropriate. Dark Helmet typifies the evil guy who does a bad time delivering threats.
“You are my cousin’s father’s nephew’s former roomate.”
“Keep firing Assholes.”
The whole speech to the Druish Princess that isn’t in the spacecar.
There are too many to list here.
Left my Douglas Adams compendium at my parents’ house in VA, so this is approximate:
“Hurry up, Mr. Dent, or you’ll be late.”
“Late for what?”
“I mean, you’ll be the late Arthur Dent. It’s a threat, you see. I never was much good at them.”
“I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast!”
“You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?”
“NO!!”
“Tremble, puny mortals, before the wrath of my might!..I mean ‘the right of my math!’…damn…‘the writhe of my mat’…oh, poop…”
“And what does that make us?”
“Absolutely nothing!”
So we again meet at last! I mean… We at meet last again! Er… This will be the last time we again meet!
Yeah, you and what army! Oh, THAT army! Exit stage left…
We will say “ni” to you again if you do not appease us.
Looks like the foot’s in the other hand, now!
I’m gonna get all Martha Stewart on your ass!
Don’t make me he-bitch man-slap you!
Oooh, I’ll give you such a pinch!
“Now you see that evil will always triumph over good, because good… is dumb.”
Evil is bad. And Good …isn’t.
You’re about to be strapped to the rear bumper of the 18 wheeler we call the American Justice System
Don’t destroy the world, that’s where I keep all my stuff.
I see your shwartz is as big as mine.
Let us not forget the terrifying words of the true Evil One:
“I will hug you and squeeze you and love you and pet you forever and ever and ever.”
“I will destroy the entire planet, unless you pay me… one million dollars!!!”
What’s that? You have a wife and two children? No, no… I really don’t want to see pictures. Oh, she’s so cute. Three? Really? Well, that’s the age, you know…
Oh, bugger. Aren’t there any single people to kill?