[QUOTE=Standard Nathan]
the one that made me laugh the most was: Confucius say, “man who go to airplane lavatory during turbulance going to Bangkok.” [Bangkok=bang cock]
[/QUOTE]
I heard that one as “Man who walk through departure gate sideways going to Bangkok”
The only one I have ever remembered is …
Confucius say “He who fart in church sit in his own pew.”
I’ve heard many of these. The only one I can add:
Confucius say: “Never trust woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot.”
[QUOTE=Colophon]
I heard that one as “Man who walk through departure gate sideways going to Bangkok”
[/QUOTE]
I heard it as “Man who go through turnstile sideways going to Bangkok”
[QUOTE=Martiju]
Well possibly - but the ‘make hole weak’ is far more inkeeping with the style - and funnier (given that your definition is pretty obvious, and the humour is in reading the second meaning).
[/QUOTE]
The version of that joke I know is not a Confucius say:
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex can make your day, but anal sex will make your whole week.
I made one up many moons ago.
“Confucious say: Man without modem is nobaudy.”
I didn’t say it was good.
My favorites: He who chews on many prunes shall sit on pot for many moons.
And… Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
I realize that they’re only supposed to be jokes, but I’m leery of this one. Confucianism is a philosophy bordering on religion. The whole “Confucius says…” thing got started because characters in Western fiction were always quoting The Philosopher (it may have started with Canniff’s strip* Terry and the Pirates*, which had a Confucius-spouting character. But it may have been earlier). Canniff’s quotes were apparently good advice (although probably not legit. I’ve read the Analects and other Confucian works and found them immeasurably obscure and eminently non-quotable), but the line of “Confucius say” jokes were invariably a little scatological or risque, and undoubtedly originally intended to puncture the pomposity of the concept. But it’s kinda making fun both of another philosophy *and[/ui] of the culture, what with that Pidgin-English “say”. Baqck at the 1964-5 World’s Fair, the Chrysler pavilion had a machine that gave out “Car-fucius say” tickets. I’ll bet they wouldn’t do that today. Sensitivity and all.
Sorry to be the bearer of cold water, but it’s my $0.02.
Let’s just do what people do when they wanna tell ethnic jokes–change it to your own group (I substitute hillbilly or Kentuckian).
So, who will be the first with a “CalMeacham say” joke?
Sir Rhosis
I’ve seen offensive satires of Christianty and other religions on this board, and I don’t think many people have complained. Car-fucious say you auto lighten up.
[QUOTE=Sir Rhosis]
Let’s just do what people do when they wanna tell ethnic jokes–change it to your own group (I substitute hillbilly or Kentuckian).
[/QUOTE]
Sure, ‘n if ye go a-makin’ sport o’ my ethnic group, Oi’ll whack ye with me shillelagh, Oi will.
[QUOTE=Sir Rhosis]
So, who will be the first with a “CalMeacham say” joke?
[/QUOTE]
OK. Sir Rhosis walks into a bar, sidles up to the barkeep and says, “Hey, wanna hear a CalMeacham joke?”
The barkeep looks him over. “I’ll have you know that I’m CalMeacham. And those 3 bikers over there? They’re CalMeacham too. And that nervous little guy with the suspicious lump under his coat is CalMeacham too. And all my other customers as well. We’re all CalMeacham, so perhaps you better reconsider telling that CalMeacham joke.”
Sir Rhosis says, “Oh, don’t worry. I’ll tell it slowly.”
^^^:D FTR, I have never sidled in my life!!! How does one sidle, anyway? Step and slide. Or is it stepping while idling?
Biffy–shillelagh?
Sir Rhosis
O, to the OP, sorry for the hijack, on with the show.
[QUOTE=Sir Rhosis]
Biffy–shillelagh?
[/QUOTE]
Irish term for a stick. One commonly used for…well…smacking people.
I know CalMeacham. I went to school with CalMeacham. Ain’t none o’ youse CalMeachams.
“I’m CalMeacham, and so is my wife!”
CalMeacham say, man who move to Russian countryside take giant steppe
CalMeacham say, he who run behind car get exhausted.
[QUOTE=Inigo Montoya]
CalMeacham say, he who run behind car get exhausted.
[/QUOTE]
Yes, but he who run in front of car get tired. 
Re: the “man who keep feet on the ground” -
It’s usually “keep both feet on the ground”.
Another variation of the joke:
“Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I’ll show you a man who can’t put on his pants.”
[QUOTE=Biffy the Elephant Shrew]
Sure, ‘n if ye go a-makin’ sport o’ my ethnic group, Oi’ll whack ye with me shillelagh, Oi will.
[/QUOTE]
Funny you should say that.
In the New York Daily News there used to be a one-panel comic strip called Ching Chow that had a stereotypical “Chinaman” with slanty eyes and a queue who spouted clever Confucan-type sayings (not risque, though). This being non-PC, he has been replaced by a stereotypical Irishman (supposed to be a leprechaun, I think) called Mr. Lucky who says the exact same things (though in a brogue instead of pidgin).
