Explanation of what's been wrong with me

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Many of you have posted hugs and support to my “The World Sucks, OK?” thread, and I am deeply grateful. It did get briefly hijacked into football, but that was never what it was about. Some of you know, many of you don’t, but my personal life has not been to good lately. This morning I watched my wife pack her clothes and go to live with a friend. It was certainly the hardest thing that I have ever done, but that dosen’t change the fact that I believe it was the only thing to do.

We have been dealing with the problems here for a while now, both together and in counseling. Last night in counseling, it became clear that there was no way to resolve these problems while staying together. I have 12 years of bottling things up inside myself to deal with, and the only solution I see is to get a little time and space to allow me to work through them. Trying to do so while still living and interacting with my wife was akin to trying to dry off while still in the shower, it just wasn’t working, no matter how hard we tried or how much we wanted it to. This was the hardest part, because my wife was ( and, I hope, is)willing to do whatever was needed, to change whatever behavior to make things better. The thing is, there is a twelve year pile of garbage here, and while both of us can agree not to throw anything else on the pile, sooner or later one of us would start complaining about the smell, and, whoops!, up on the pile more garbage would go.

What’s going to happen? I honestly don’t know, but for the first time in a long time, I feel a step towards resolution has been taken. I am also scared out of my mind. This relationship has been the central focus of a third of my life. The problem is that I believe that my wife views this as an end, not an intermission. In any event, while we could have continued to slap band-aids on the wounds, underneith it would not have healed, and neither one of us could have ever been real happy. I assume that I will be looking for a place to live soon, because geographicaly(jobs) and financialy it makes more sense for her to live here, but I just don’t know. I see two possible outcomes. #1, maybe we’ll be able to put things in perspective, and somewhere down the road find each other again, but this time in a loving and equal partnership where we can each be comfortable in ourselves, and dependent on each other’s strengths. #2, maybe we will realize that twelve years of an unhealthy relationship is just too much to overcome, and move on. If this happens, when I finally find that right person for me, she will owe a tremendous debt to my wife for molding and shaping me into the adult that I am now. I will keep you posted.

2

Your story sounds tough Dave…atleast you can share and vent with us here at the SD.
Good luck to you and your wife.

3

{{{{Dave}}}}

4

Geez, Dave, I’m sorry. If there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know.

5

For what it’s worth, Dave, I divorced my wife last year. It was hell. I was convinced my life was in a downward spiral.

Now, I’m remarried, happier than I’ve ever been, and can look back on that as a horrible time that is over now. Never would have thought I’d be able to enjoy life again.

6

{{{{{{{{{weird}}}}}}}}}}}
Keep going to that counselor, and realize that we are all rooting for you to be happy.

7

Dave,

If I could hug you through the phone I would hun.

I realize your heart aches and you feel horrible but you have a friend to talk to if you feel the need to call me. I am here for you and hope that if you are feeling lonely and blue you can reach for that phone and I will lend an ear to get out all your frustrations.

{{{{{{{DAVE}}}}}}}

8

All the best Davie… I hope you get things sorted out. I have little advice to offer you in this area, but I do know this: you can’t make another person happy when you’re not happy yourself.

So I wish you a fulfilling journey into finding your own happiness again. And as John said: should you ever need any help or just someone to talk to, you know where to reach me.

9

Good luck to you dave. I’m so sorry to hear about this pothole in your road of life. You’ve taken the first step. Stay in therapy. Someday you will look back on this with a sigh of relief. Until then, ((((dave)))).

10

I went through the same thing three years ago. I remember that fear. I also remember the exhaustion and the need to just rest and heal up after so much stress and emotional chaos.

But it was the right thing to do for me. I’m happy now, feeling strong, in a great relationship, and I don’t look back. And I’ve heard through third parties that the ex is doing fine too.

So don’t forget to congratulate yourself on taking a difficult but sometimes necessary step in life. For a while you may wonder whether you were a coward or a loser to give up on your relationship like that. But it takes a lot of courage to face the truth and walk away from the emotional investment of a 12-year relationship. They say “time loves a hero”; it is the passage of time that will vindicate you and show you that you did the right thing.

Congratulations and good luck!

11

A couple of friends of mine went thru something similar some years back - he moved out for a while, but they were able to work out whatever issues had amassed, and they’re now back together, enjoying their empty nest and the occasional visits of the grandbaby. I know that doesn’t prove anything, but sometimes the time apart is just what a couple needs.

Whatever happens, don’t make yourself crazy. One way or another, life goes on. Take care!!

12

Geez, buddy. That’s very not cool. I guess we all knew it was something a bit deeper than football, btu I guess my last post didn’t help much. sorry about that hating women crack.

Uh… that goes for all the women her too, Kayyyyy?

-flup

13

I’m sorry to see you in pain. I hope it gets better for you.
I’ve got nothing similar to share and no wisdom, just empathy for you. Here’s a hug.

14

I know this wasn’t a step you took lightly, Dave, and I also know it took a lot of strength and courage.

We’re here for you whenever.

15

Dave,
I hope everything works out for you. I wish I had some advice or something smart to say right now, but I don’t. Just remember that while your wife moving out might seem horrible right now, it just might be a step in the right direction for the two of you.
If you need anything, please feel free to email or AIM me.
Rose

16

I suppose you might occasionally look at that “pile of garbage” and feel like you’re hopelessly fucked up. For those times:

Seems like the reason we usually walk around with blinders on is that life sometimes seems easier without acknowledging the choices we have to make.

Once you expose the wound, what ends up hurting is not so much the wound itself - it’s that you now know you have a choice where you didn’t know before, and along with that knowledge comes a painful obligation to act.

I have lots and lots of admiration for what you’re trying to do. It takes real guts to look that in the eye, and a lot of us walk through most of our lives before we work up the guts, if ever, to do that.

You’ll come out of this in a better place, wherever you land.

17

I’m sorry you are hurting, this sounds so overwhelming.

Again, I’m sending you a hug and a prayer.

I hope that you find your way back to each other in a
better place, or find a better place to be apart-
whichever will make the two of you happiest in the long run.

((((((((Dave)))))))

Scotti

18

I’m sorry about contributing to the football stuff in your other thread, Dave. I feel bad about that now.

I know how you feel, unfortunately. My ex-wife and I…hell, we knew each other as kids. We became romantically involved in 1985; we married in 1992. The divorce was final in May; she waited less than three months before marrying the guy she replaced me with (before telling me it was over, incidentally–I was left to infer that until I pressed the issue). It ain’t a good feeling when a marriage breaks up, or when it seems to be on the way to it.

I hope things work out better for you, Dave. At the very least, I hope whatever happens brings you and your wife both to a place where you can find happiness again.

You take care.

19

Ouch, ouch, ouch. I’ve been there, and it’s very painful. Good luck, and take care, and don’t forget there are plenty of people here to help you muddle through this mess. :frowning:

{{{{{{dave}}}}}

20

As someone who has been there, I’ll just say that it does get better. A lot better! You just have to trust that it will and you’ll make it through the rough patches.

Hugs!