F you, soon-to-be-ex

The BBQ Pit
1

So, my first pit, and I’m in way too emotionally exhausted of a state to manage a full blown rant, but I’ve been working so hard for months - years, really - to be nice, and pleasant, and patient, and whatever else it is I’m supposed to be, and… part of me is just mad.

Long story short… my husband finally broke up with me tonight. This has been coming for months now, but it actually happening just plain hurts.

The thing that just plain makes me angry is the fact that… up until the last, LITERALLY five minutes earlier, I was making overtures of “Hey, you said you wanted to reconcile, here’s an options, here’s something, do this, try this.” Over and over again, I gave options, I took responsibility for my issues, I was clear and direct in the ways I left the door open for reconciliation. And what happens? I got told, time and again, how much every problem in our relationship was my fault, and how if I just stopped having “a pattern of selfish decisions” everything would be peaches and sunshine.

So, you know what? Fuck you, J. I’m done with your constant blaming of me, on things that aren’t my fault. I’m done with you calling me selfish for not making you the sun that my universe rotates around. I’m done with you not respecting my hobbies, and expecting me to adore yours. I’m done with you thinking my insecurities are dumb, and telling me so. I’m done with your eye rolling, I’m done with your self-important attitude, I’m done with your manipulative arguments, your pity parties, and your ways of phrasing things to make me apologize for things just so you can pretend you didn’t do anything wrong.

So, I’m done, I’m angry and hurt, but… I’m done. I’m going to go on to have a better life, I’m going to find someone who cares about me, and respects me, a heck of a lot more than you ever did. I did, and still do, think we could have been great… if you’d just admitted to your own faults and problems and just given a half-ass effort to fix them, instead of just declaring that it’s my fault. You’re just going to run into the same problems in every relationship until you face your problems and do something about them. But you know what? They’re not my problems anymore. You saw to that.

2

Best of wishes during a difficult time. Sounds like eventually you’ll come out ahead and be better off. Doesn’t help much to say that now but do keep in mind that things will get better.

FWIW, at least in my life, I figured out that “it’s not my fault, it’s just my turn” made some of these situations more bearable. YMMV, but best of luck

3

WOOT!

Go Sehmket, go Sehmket!

(No advice to offer, just trying to be supportive.)

:smiley:

4

To the left, to the left.

5

Along those lines, there’s a quote to the effect of “if you’re going through hell, keep going.” Sounds like you’re well rid of him; I’ve read that contempt for your partner is, not surprisingly, typically the death of the relationship, and you shouldn’t have to deal with bullshit like eyerolling and other behavior that rubbed in your face exactly what he thought of you. (I think the concept of projection of one’s own flaws onto others can be overused, but he sounds like a prime candidate for being someone who really does that.)

6

I wish you all the best, Sehmket. If only one person wants to work on a relationship, it’s pretty much over, in my opinion. Be mad, be hurt, rage against how unfair it is, then pick yourself up again when you’re finished grieving, and find a better man who deserves you. :slight_smile:

7

Why is this in the pit? Shouldn’t good news go somewhere else? If I had just got rid of somebody that depressing I would be over the moon.

8

Honestly, I think it’s all your fault.

9

You know, you’re not funny, wry, or even sarcastic. You’re an asshole, 100% pure asshole.

10

Sorry, sehmket, that you are going through this. Be strong, and try to live each moment as it is. Ahh, on a side note, ahh, umm… Do you like pizza?

11

Thanks all, who are cheering me on. And, as to why this is in the pit? Because I don’t feel happy, or relieved, or any of the other good feelings that come with ending a relationship. I just feel shitty, rejected, hurt, and angry. And while I know that this is probably going to be better in the big picture… right now, it just sucks. I want to pit the crap he’s put me through, so that can embrace the good that’s going to come.

12

I’m on my honeymoon, checking the Dope on my phone and agreed with Fiveroptic so much that I had to log in. BPC, I know that you are young and have no idea how to relate to people, but that was just seriously over the top. I think that you just violated the “don’t be a jerk” rule and I’d report you if I could.

13

Sehmket I am sorry for your pain and I hope that things get better for you soon.

14

I’m so, so sorry, Sehmket.

My marriage came to a crashing end three-and-a-half years ago. I knew things weren’t right. I tried my damnedest to make things work. I poured all of my energy into saving the marriage–everything else was secondary. My ex wanted to go to couples counseling, and I called the next day to get the earliest appointment. Nevermind… She began an affair sometime between that phone call and our first appointment.

For the next three months I worked–and I mean worked–harder than I ever have in my life. Trying to save my marriage, trying to do things “right”, trying to repair all of the damage.

I’ll spare you the details. They mean fuck all to you right now. I know.

It didn’t work.

It came to a point that I had to ask myself, “why are you working so hard to preserve a relationship wherein she’s mentally and physically abusive? She throws things at you. She says the one thing thing she promised never to say, and admits she does it intentionally. She actively tries to hurt you, jackass!”

I came to the conclusion that I was worlds better without her. She didn’t deserve me, and I was much better off without her.
But it still hurts. I still want to know why she did some of the things she did. I still want to know what the fuck she was thinking. I still want to yell at her. 10 years of a relationship do not go away overnight. I wish I could say it was over and past, but there’s a whole lot of baggage that doesn’t let go.

I try. I’m still seeking solace and release from that terrible experience. Most days are okay. Some are good. others are terrible.

It shouldn’t take this long, but sometimes it does. I hope your healing and recovery come faster than mine. But know that you have an ear. Many ears. More than one Doper has been through this terribly shitty experience. PM me if you want to talk.

15

I have a very short list of necessary conditions for a relationship to be able to work - things whose absence says, “give up on this now - it isn’t going the distance, and no amount of work will change that.”

One of those things is mutual respect. And it’s clear from what you say that he fundamentally disrespects you. There’s not a damned thing in the world you could have done about that, and it damned sure isn’t worth staying with someone who doesn’t respect you.

So thank goodness your husband walked out that door. He may of course change his mind, but if he does, I sincerely hope you don’t let him back in.

Of course it does. You’ve sunk years of your life into trying to make this work, and there must’ve been some good times along the way to give you reason to make the attempt.

You have the right to feel what you feel, whether it’s mourning, raging, bitter laughter, or whatever. The fact that this is the best thing for the long run won’t necessarily make you feel better today, or next week, or even next month. Eventually it will, but ‘eventually’ usually takes awhile to get here. Good luck in getting through the tough time between now and then.

16

Thank you for your thoughtful comments, Azraiel. My husband was never physically abusive, but since he moved out (three months ago), it’s slowly dawned on me that some of the things he said to me was… well, less than ideal.

And, RTFirefly, you’re absolutely right. He hasn’t respected me. I’m not sure if it’s because of us going through our young, idiot days together (we’ve been together since we were 17, so we saw all of our young, idiot mistakes, and he has often still treated me as if I were a 19 year old), or just our general poor communication skills and his own… I don’t know the right word, but he’s got an innate sense that he’s just BETTER than other people, and if there’s two ways to see something, his is the more right way. Finally finding the right medication to deal with my depression has let me say, “No, you can’t treat me this way,” and he hasn’t taken that well. He wants someone in his life that will agree that’s he’s the smartest, and the best, and the most awesome… which is why I say he’s going to have the exact same issues in his next relationship, and the one after that, and the one after that.

Thanks for your words on allowing myself to feel what I feel. I have a lot of feels right now, and it’s a little overwhelming. Right now, I just need to feel them, instead of assess or analyze them.

17

I know you feel awful right now, but you also sound very hopeful about the possibilities for your life moving forward. I don’t blame you for feeling angry because it sounds like he doesn’t even want to try. But it seems now that you are getting treatment for your depression, you are ready for positive changes in your life. I feel happy for you.

I don’t know if you’ve popped into the Ongoing Depression Support Thread, but we’re certainly there to listen.

18

aha! sounds like you are well rid of him.

I wish you well!

19

Maybe this is just me, but I feel like the person you’re married to should be the smartest, and best, and most awesome in your eyes. If you can’t honestly say that about him, it’s probably a good thing you are parting ways.

20

I read that differently. It was more like her soon-to-be ex thinks he’s smarter, better, and more awesome than everyone else in the entire world, and since she didn’t agree with him on that, she’s just a fucking idiot who is only worthy of his contempt.

Then again, there’s a good chance I’m projecting based on my last relationship.