Fantasy Football Bitchfest - Join, won't you

The BBQ Pit
1

What the fuck ok? I mean really. WHAT. THE. EVER. LIVING. FUCK? Is it a fucking rule this year that if you were a great player in the past you have to absolutely just wander the field with your fist up your ass while the fucking rookies run roughshod over your dick?

Terrell Owens…give me a fucking break, OK? I wasted my fucking life picking you in the first round because you’re SUPPOSED TO BE FUCKING FANTASTIC YOU SORRY FUCKING VESSEL FOR A PENIS. 55 TOTAL YARDS? 55 TOTAL YARDS? Pull yourself together you cocky son of a bitch.

Tony GONZALEZ? What the…good thing you held out. Your scary, limitless talent on the field is just fucking rocketing me forward in the world of fantasy football. I love you so much for all the effort you’re leaving out there you god damn cock.

And Randy.

RANDY RANDY RANDY

RANDY F-ING MOSS. It’s simple: EAT ME you cocksucker.

:: throws stuff around ::

Stupid football. DAMMIT.

2

If I can join in on the fun, I’d like to say hello to Garrison Hearst and Keyshawn Johnson. Two picks that I still kick myself for making (knowing I could have picked Donovan McNabb and David Boston instead, had I had a brain in my friggin’ head). Hey, Keyshawn? You’ve gotten me five points in TWO games, and you’re my wide receiver! Dez White just got me more in points in ONE GAME than you’ve gotten me in two, and the only reason I used him is this was your bye week! I swear, if you don’t start producing, I’m gonna draft someone from the Bengals and be done with it.

Argh. Thank God for David Akers and the Cowboys D, otherwise this season would be COMPLETELY in the shitter for me. Stupid Keyshawn. Stupid fantasy football.

3

How about this problem: I have a great team. Vick, Holt, Moulds, R Williams, and Bubba Franks are my core (my bench is actually pretty weak but that hasn’t been a factor yet). However, barring a meltdown by the Bucs defense tonight, I’m going to be 0-3, after scoring the most points of any other team in the league. We need balanced scheduling in fantasy football now apparently.

4

Bettis- you fat slow hack-- your killing me.

Garrison Hearst, beat out Barlow already will ya.

Duce Staley- you suck didly suck- splitting carries with has-beens and nobody’s.

Stupid “autodrafted” league.

:mad:

5

It’s hard to feel sorry for someone who used a first round pick on a wide reciever, but as someone who has Garcia on one of my rosters(thankfully not one I particularly care about) I feel your pain when it comes to the overall craptacular performance of the 49er’s offense. Personally, I drafted the Pitt Defense way too high for how they’ve performed(I think I took them in like the 7th round). luckily I had the chargers as a backup and so far they’ve kicked some serious ass. of course, who knows what’ll happen when they’re not playing Cinci, Houston or the Cardinals.

6

Just fucking talk to me why don’t you. I’m splitting a hometown team with a good friend, who is notorious for, um, interesting draft strategy.

WHEREAS I call him several times the week before the draft, where he will be representing our team, and

WHEREAS We discuss the critical nature of the first several rounds, the value of good running backs, the tendency of his draftmates to overvalue hometown players, and the general concept of value-based drafting, and

WHEREAS I leave him on the phone the night before with his promise to call me as the draft is beginning so we can review choices together, and

WHEREAS I emphasize one more time, pick the best RB’s available for the first two rounds, unless a sweet skill player has fallen,

IT IS RESOLVED that he called me the day of the draft in the first found, having selected with the eigth pick overall the aforementioned and still holding out TONY GONZALEZ, and then in a stunning turn, and the twelfth pick overall, while only two (count-em) QB’s had been taken, he selects dippity-do spokesman and doghouse resident BRIAN GRIESE.

Cry me a forking river, people, I have to work with this kind of disadvantage.

7

that of course should say he called me in the third round. Egads!

8

All I have to add is that the early bye week for the Raiders bites my crank. Gannon has been wonderful, but I was stuck between Jake “the Skank” Plummer, and Rodney “am I actually still alive”
Peete.
Unless Marshall Faulk and Isaac Bruce combine for around 40 points tonight, I’m fucked.

9

I drafted Ahman Green and Eddie George in my money league. A solid first two picks, I might say. Unless they BOTH get fucking injured the same week, giving me something like 8 points between the two of them.

So what do I do this week? I bench George, because I can’t get to a computer on Sunday to see if he’ll be active. I also pick up Rondell Mealey off the waiver wire to replace Green for the week, who all the supposed experts say will fill in nicely. What’s the result? I’m down one waiver wire pick (limited to 15 all season), and fucking Davenport gets all the yards for GB! Needless to say, the 23 points on my bench would more than have covered my 15 point loss.

And give throw out a hearty fuck you to Doug Brien? I lost by 5 points last week, when he missed a chipshot FG, and 2 PATs. Guess how many points that is. 5. Fuck you, cocksucker.

10

Hmmmm…I’m a combined 8-0-1 on my three teams, and that’s including having Clinton Portis as my top RB in the SDMB league.

That can only mean one thing. There’s a runaway bus out there with my name on it. I’d better look both ways before crossing the street for the rest of the season.

11

I had two first round picks in my 10 year-old league this year. So I chose Garcia and Shawn Alexander. Best QB and RB available IMHO at the time.

What the fuck is wrong with you Jeff?! You threw for 84 yards this week. 84 fucking yards! See that guy running down the field, that Owens guy, the one you threw so much to the past 2 years. Throw it to him for fuck’s sake!!! And toss a couple to that TE Johnson down by the goal line while you are at it.

I don’t want to even think about Alexander. Mike Holmgren, will you shut up and let Shawn run the ball his way. You want him to run it your way and it’s gotten your main RB 200 TOTAL yards in three weeks with one touchdown. Not to mention the 0-3 record. We now know that it was all Favre up in Green Bay, don’t we?

Yes, I second the Doug Brien fucking. I lost on the tie breaker, he makes one of those PATs and I’m sitting prettyat 3-0.

Thank goodness for Preist Holmes.

12

yeah, Well I got a grand total of 2 points from my RBs and lost my good backup. I drafted Deuce and Eddie and had Portis as a backup, figuring he was good enough to eventually be the starter. But this week everybody says George isn’t going to play, so It was decision time, with little bench room. I dropped Portis and picked up Gary cause I needed a starter. So what happenes? Deuce runs for crap and shit, and fumbles, Gary sprains an ankle while listening to the National anthem for a grand total of 0, And Portis makes to first step toward becoming the starter and gets grabbed off wavers 10 minutes into the game. While the injured George at least has a decent day, while ridding my bench. And what the hell was I thinking with the Arizona kicker? With Jake “touchdown or interception on every throw” Plummer they will probably never kick a field goal.

Thank God for Marty Booker and the Miami D though, and they were 10th and 6 round picks respectivly

13

Jeff Garcia…gets food poisoning!!! 450 yds in 3 games!! I cut Couch because he might get benched and then he throws for 410 yds in 1 game!!!

Umm, yea Munch, Navenport got teh nod over Mealy early in the week. Green should start practicing on Wednesday.

14

(disclaimer: ‘punk bitch’ is a technical term.)

Dear Daunte Culpepper,

Last week you rushed for about 23 yards. In my league, I get one point for every 25 yards rushing. I tied that game, despite scoring a league-high total. Had you turned upfield on one of your runs and taken the hit like a man, I would have won. Instead, you scampered out of bounds like a punk bitch. Go to hell.

Dear Randy Moss,

I mortgaged the house for you. I knew it was ballsy, but it was a risk I was willing to take. For god’s sake, man, you’re getting the ball thrown at you more than any other receiver in the league. REACH UP FOR IT SOMETIME. Those four picks Culpepper threw? All your way, baby. You want the ball? You want the ball? He’s trying to GIVE you the ball. Instead, you’re scared of the hit like a punk bitch. Go to hell.

Dear Emmitt Smith,

Just a couple hundred yards and you break Payton’s all-time rushing record. How’s about you actually RUSH for a change? Think you can manage a touchdown or two in there, somewhere? You’re a punk bitch too. Go to hell.

Dear Martin Gramatica,

I need you to kick four field goals and three XPs for me to win after Culpepper and Moss demonstrated their punk bitch nature. If you don’t rack up the points for me, you’re also on the punk bitch list. Depending on how tonight’s game goes, you may go to hell too.

15

Kurt Warner, could you please find one of your receivers in the endzone?

Curtis Martin, the end zone is*** that way*** : points : can you find it? The same goes for you Hearst and Pittman.

Thank god my recievers are Horn, Thrash, Driver, Price and Stallworth (who I managed to grab with the next to last pick). To bad I can’t start them all.

16

I wish I could complain. Everyone thought I was insane with a RB setup of Ricky Williams, Deuce McAllister, and Travis Henry. And Joe Horn as my WR. Drafting Saints players high? Who’d be stupid enough to do that?

Oh yea, me. 3-0 in the LEAGUE, bay-bee!

17

Nitpicks (in no particular order), followed by and including my own ranting:

Emmit Smith is not a punk bitch.

If you expected big things from Garrison Hearst this year (to the extent of taking him over McNabb!), you deserved what you got.

Rodney Peete wasn’t such a bad fill-in play this week. I grabbed him for a team where my draft (in terms of QBs) was a fiasco (I decided early on to go for the two Trents in the teen rounds! Yikes! Then I traded for Slash when Dilfer went down! Double Yikes!), and I had been starting Holcomb, but Peete’s admittedly underwhelming 6 points was more than enough to cement my victory.

Culpepper better be heading for the sideline; he’s the only football player on the entire Vikings roster. If he gets hurt, they might as well close up shop for the rest of the season. Maybe next year too.

Randy Moss isn’t a punk bitch either. He’s a fucking jackass, which I would argue subsumes the former term. I cackled all the way to the bank when I traded George (from a stable of R.Williams, Dillon, George, and W.Green, in a league with only 2 RB spots) and McCardell for Moss and Fiedler (led my team to 2 victories in the first 2 weeks), but Moss’ jackassery lost me my game this week. Starting WRs Moss vs Car, Glenn @Det, and Chambers (he of the 1001 TDs last year vs NYJ) at home vs the hapless Jets, and I get a grand total of three points? Bastard. Throw in Corey Dillon’s continued ineptitude, thematic of his team’s play, and Ricky’s the only producer on my starting offense. When K + DEF = more than your than your 7 offensive players, you know you fucked up.
So, my fuck yous go out to:
[ul][li]Fuck you Daunte Culpepper. 4 INTs against Carolina is fucking sad. Concomitant fuck you to John Fox, who isn’t all that. At least he knows it, though.[/li][li]Fuck you Randy Moss. Perhaps the biggest-time talent to play in the NFL reveals himself more clearly each week as a small-time player.[/li][li]In keeping with the Vikings theme, fuck you D’Wayne Bates and Derrick Alexander. Can you both really be as inconsequential as you’ve seemed so far?[/li][li]And, to complete the square, fuck you Doug Brien. Your fuckup didn’t impact me personally either way, but you’re a fucking chump for missing 2 PATs in one game.[/li][li]Fuck you Jeff Garcia and Terrell Owens. When these guys heard the theme music to MNF tonight, their response was a resounding “NO!” Here’s hoping the bye week gives them some time to get their shit together.[/li][li]Fuck you Tim Couch. Fuck you for leading your team to score against Tennessee to send the game to OT when I had picked the Titans. Lest this be a non-fantasy fuck you, I’d also like to say fuck you to Couch for scoring 27 points from my bench, behind Culpepper.[/li][li]A similar fuck you goes out to James Stewart. Nuff said.[/li][li]Fuck you Priest Holmes. You’re not that great.[/li][li]Fuck you Marshall Faulk. 4 leagues I’m in, no #1 picks, and Faulk fails to produce top pick-type numbers for 3 consecutive weeks. CAT scan tonight. Ha.[/ul][/li]I think that about covers it.

18

Want to guarantee your quarterback will pass for 400 and 3 or 4 TDs?

Have him play my team!

I swear this would work with Scott Fucking Mitchell.

Most all of my superstars are underachieving massively. In both leagues I am in.

Kurt Warner
Stephen Davis
Cory Dillon

I knew I shouldn’t expect too much from Emmitt Smith, but damn, gramps! Throw down the walker and score a touchdown occasionally.

Oh, and the aforementioned jarbabyj who is doing all the bitching beat me by one fucking point last week.

With a score that I would have had by halftime of all of the games last year.

Let’s go Red Wings. Please.

19

Scott Mitchell is still playing? And starting? Sheesh.

20

Just for the record, saying Fuck You to Priest Holmes is a bit ridiculous, don’t you think, White Lightning? He got four fucking touchdowns in week ONE.

J