Yeah.
Rearranging things; saying they’re staying for X days, then informing me that it will be longer; telling me what further items of decoration I “need”; anything else that falls under “thinking my house is their house”. The only place where I’ve heard that “mi casa es su casa” is from gringos: I’d never say that or the equivalent “como en tu casa” ("(behave) as if you were in your own home") to anybody including relatives. Specially relatives.
Deciding what is and is not acceptable food after I’ve already prepared it.
Answering “oh, just anything” when I ask “what do you eat for breakfast?” - then going “OH MY GAWD!” when I inform them that my idea of breakfast involves either something from the “preserved pork” family or a fried egg, followed by milk and cookies; there is a reason I asked you, if you give me a crap answer like that one again, you will have to go stay in a hotel, where the only choices you’ll get for breakfast will be the one between “black coffee” and “coffee with milk.”
Smoking. Yes, pot too! If you try to give me a speech about how pot is OK, you’ll land on the sidewalk!
Smoking pot in my house would be a definite no-no. I’m very allergic to pot smoke. I don’t even know what it smells like, since my nose closes up if I’m exposed to it at all. I wouldn’t even want a guest smoking it on the patio. That would be doing something illegal outside where you could easily be caught, and AIUI I could get in trouble because they did it on my property. If it were legal, I’d have to see if someone could smoke pot on my patio without triggering my allergies.
I was going to say coming in and walking around my house with their shoes still on (I’m barefooted, Hallboy is barefooted, here’s a freaking clue…we don’t wear shoes in the house!), but some of this certainly tops my no shoes.
It’s no wonder that I rarely have house guests.
Sheesh, and I thought it was bad when my mil and gmil came to visit after I had scoured the house top to bottom and each offered to help us pay for a cleaning lady. (To be fair, I think they truly did mean well, were trying to be helpful, and would be horrified to realize how it came out sounding. But still.) I had no idea how lucky we truly are in the houseguest department.
No pot smoking or other illegal stuff. I had a roommate in college once who loved to smoke in our room. I more or less successfully forced her onto the porch with it.
The only time I have ever actually kicked someone out of my house with a “never to return” visa was Sally. She broke my toilet even further after I told her that it didn’t flush properly and to get me if she needed a hand. Brief story: the lever that pulls up the chain was broken, but the chain was hooked neatly on the edge of the tank. I warned her before she went in, suggested she use the toilet in the main house (I lived in a co-op in the back annex so while I had my own bathroom it was by no means the only one in the house), and I told her how to make it work.
She came back and said “Umm… um… I think I broke your toilet.” Turns out she had bent the hell out of the metal rod that holds the float. I don’t know how or why. I can understand not knowing how a toilet works or not being able to figure it out once you have the top of the tank off, but PLEASE JUST ASK IF YOU’RE HAVING TROUBLE.
Also: I’m one of those stuck-up only children so I get twitchy if people use my computer without asking. I don’t mind them using the XBox if they don’t save over my progress. I don’t mind them going through my DVDs or CDs or watching TV or listening to music but I get twitchy when someone just plops themselves at my computer to check their email. At least part of it is… well, you’re my guest. If you want to spend hours in front of your computer, why did you come?
oh god where do I start?
Hey roomie, if the girl you just met and brought back to my place tells you she has an upset stomach…believe her dude, dont give her more alcohol and wonder why her ass explodes in MY GUEST ROOM bed… dont go there its not big and not clever and cost me new duvet and mattress.
And I know I live in a double apartment block with identical towers but one is called Lotus Tower the other is called Orchid Tower. Remember where you are guesting doofus! Mr Kweon my neighbour in Orchid Tower does not appreciate you rolling up at 3 in the morning with a sparkled fragrant tired and emotional friend when you should be in the OTHER tower!
He’s my neighbour I like to keep a semblance of good will here!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, my brother.
No, he has not been invited back to either my house or my brother’s house. The parents get him this year.
Making long distance phone calls on my phone without asking.
Calling phone sex lines on my phone without asking.
Yeah, I couldn’t kick you out because I didn’t know until I got the bill weeks after you’d left. But you’ve never been invited back, and that’s part of the reason why. You want the other reasons?
Using an empty soda can as a spittoon, and then leaving it on the table was pretty damn gross.
Getting your car impounded because you’re so fucking stupid you drive around on an out-of-state expired license and expecting your sister (my ex-girlfriend) to give you the impound fee. Then, while waiting for the impound to open and I am at work, taking my bicycle without asking. Then breaking said bicycle by crashing it. And not offering to fix it or pay for a repair.
Lastly, ejecting the tape from the VCR while I am recording something so you can watch some shitty slasher movie.
Well, on the optimistic side, now you know what to get her for Christmas - her very own china coasters.
Gack. That is seriously gross. I thought Grandma’s butter in one of the posts above was gag inducing but a leaving a can of spit on your table is just…gack!
My BIL deep fried fish in a big pot tonight and then left the pot of grease on the stove, grease splattered all over and chunks of batter stuck on the stove. Actually he deep fried fish in a big pot in the middle of me trying to make a turkey pie, which, for some reason he decided was not enough for dinner. Then he phoned his wife and they had a spiffy fight about her not caring enough about him to quit her career, leave all her family behind and move to the middle of nowhere like he wants.
I don’t even care though because he told us over dinner that if he’s here more than another week he’ll be going over to get a room at the mall. YAY!
:eek::eek::eek:
If you hadn’t mentioned having a husband I would have volunteered to take two weeks vacation here and be your “new live-in boyfriend” because my secret, guilty pleasure is that I can really enjoy being an ass when properly motivated. And by the sounds of it I would have been properly motivated in about 20 minutes, max.
Don’t worry, I’m housebroken. I put the toilet seat down.
I guess I’ve been fairly fortunate as far as the houseguest thing goes, my peeves come nowhere near most of these.
But.
Leaving a half inch of soda or milk in the formerly full container and then saying you didn’t need to replace it because you didn’t drink all of it.
Eating an entire new box of cereal and then stuffing the box to the bottom of the garbage to hide the evidence.
The aforementioned long distance calls. I never made LD calls so calling the telco to disconnect LD service was no problem at all.
Coming over after I’ve told you I’m sick. Maybe it would be different if you brought me a present or something or intended to take care of me or something, or if I had expressed any desire for someone to keep me company or something. But if you call and say “let’s hang out” and I say “sorry, I’m half-dead. some other time,” that means don’t come over.
Even worse- coming over when I’m sick and then judging my laziness. Making fun of my oh-so-sexy mismatched flannel pajamas, crazy hair, and my abnormally messy room is not going to go over well. Even if you think it’s just good-natured teasing, it’s obnoxious.
Or back at my parents’ house, if you’re a big wuss about my dog (who is totally harmless.) and so insist that I (and we’re still talking about coming over when I’m sick here) come sit out on the porch with you. Especially when it’s chilly out. And then making fun of me for being cold.
This might be odd, but it bugs me (not quite nuclear, but I always wonder if they don’t think it might be rude) when someone brings their food over to my place. Like, I understand it if you’ve got a super-packed schedule and can’t fit a meal in otherwise, but if that’s the case then you wouldn’t be off hanging out in friends’ rooms or houses eating cheeseburgers. Especially if it it isn’t even lunch or dinner, just an afternoon snack you’ve decided to unpack on my desk and eat in front of me.
People putting their dirty shoes on my bed. Or worse, eating on my bed. I’m also a little weird about people putting their heads on my pillow (it’s a selective germophobe thing) but won’t say anything because I know it’s weird and neurotic.
Way too late for an ETA, but I also meant to thank those that had mentioned the kosher thing. I had never considered it as something I needed to be aware of. Minefields are easier to avoid if you know they’re there.
Admitted, I don’t have any friends that I’m aware are observant at this time, but I should still have 50 years or so ahead of me and you never know.
My Mom did this to my PVR because “some stupid alien show” came on while she was trying to watch game shows; that’s how I missed the second half of the “Battlestar Galactica” series premiere. sigh
My guest peeve? Inviting other guests into my home (particularly people you have just met) without clearing it with me first. That’s simply too much to ask – especially when your version of asking is “don’t worry, he’ll only be here a few days”. insert mushroom cloud here
Well, this has been an enlightning thread! Not that I would do any of the things other posters mentioned, no sirree Bob.
:: whistles innocently::
Smoking. I am allergic to cigarette smoke in a huge way. It triggers my asthma, which will then hang around all week. Even my father, who is the chain smoker I grew up with and made me end up in the hospital multiple times, does NOT smoke in my house (which he in fact holds the mortgage on - we rent from him.) NO ONE smokes here. Period. Hit the porch. And close the door behind you. And if I am visiting and my host lights up in the house - I will hit the porch. And stay there until they’re done.
Do not discipline my pets. Period. They live here, you do not. I don’t care if you’re annoyed that my (very small) poodle mix puts his feet on you. I don’t care that you don’t like my pitbull puppy. I really REALLY don’t care if my 11 year old Border collie leaning against you to be petted gets hair on you. If you slap at my dogs or cats, you are OUT. Right now. Why do people think it’s ok to hit or shout at other people’s pets??? I don’t slap other people’s kids, why is it ok to slap my critters?
And no, I won’t crate my dogs unless THEY are misbehaving. I won’t lock them up or outside because you don’t like what they’re doing and it’s within the realm of behavior that I personally allow them. Again, if I am in your house, I won’t yell at your kids for running through the house or jumping on the bed or whatever you allow them.
Do not complain about the hair all over the rugs and furniture. Again, the cats and dogs live here. You do not. We vacuum, but that doesn’t make the place pristine. If you can’t handle it, or if you have allergies, let’s meet somewhere else.
Do not EVER open my cages. We have rats, we breed (pet) rats, and there are boys in some cages and girls in others. Do NOT open the cages and let rats wander around, or god forbid, open MULTIPLE cages at the same time. Yes, my ex-MIL did this. I managed to get every thing closed up before we had any romantic accidents, but who the hell does this? Same goes with bird cages - I’ve watched people let my mother’s cockatoo out of its cage without really thinking to themselves that her Schipperke might (and indeed would) chase, kill, and eat that bird in a HOT SECOND if he’s not crated.
If you’re bringing your dog to “visit” and play with mine, I need to know beforehand. My Border Collie is mostly blind and flips out on black dogs because she cannot read their body language. My poodle-mix is terrified of big dogs. My pit will play rough with your little dog. And your dog needs to be up-to-date on shots and flea control before you bring him here. I need to know if everyone’s dogs will be safe and that no one’s leaving any nasty bugs behind.
Do not bring extra people with you. Dear god, do not bring extra people with you. I’m really not good with strangers in my own house, it makes me abominably nervous. If you really want to introduce me to your new girlfriend, great, let’s go out for dinner somewhere else!
If you’re bringing your kids (and I’ve ok’d it - if not, it falls under bringing pets/guests without telling me - just don’t) I hope they’re well behaved. Do not bring your children who are terrified of dogs to my house, what is wrong with you? Do not bring a child who is going to poke a sharp object through cage bars at my litter of baby rats (this seriously happened, and what the hell is wrong with these children?) I will tell your child NOT to put his/her fingers into the rat/bird cages, and s/he WILL get bitten if s/he does it. I won’t be sorry, because they were warned. I love children, but children who act like little terrorists or are disrespectful to my animals will be asked to leave. I have a whole TOYBOX for you guys! You really don’t need to root around in the catbox! Please keep an eye on your toddlers, folks.
Do not bring me religious literature. sighs I know you mean well, I’m sure you’re legitimately worried about my soul but please. Do not leave Daily Bread or Bibles or whatnot behind when you leave. I’m just going to throw them out.
We’re vegetarian. If you want to eat vegetarian, that’s good, because that’s what we’re cooking! If you NEED to have meat for the one or two meals you will eat in our house, please don’t bring RAW meat that needs to be cooked. We’re really not looking forward to meat grease and blood all over. Grab a burger if you can’t go a day without flesh. We will gladly go out to eat with you, and then we will order our veggies and you can order a steak, but don’t bring it here. And please do not make face/tell me how gross tofu/eggplant/etc are when we serve you (or just ourselves) or are cooking.
If you eat/drink the last of something, put it on the list and let us know. Don’t just hide the package, or put it back empty. Are you 12?
Don’t touch my computer. Period. If you want to bring a laptop, we’ll set our router for wireless. I’ve had too many people browse porn on my computer late at night (GROSS, I know where your hands have BEEN!) and leave it loaded with fun spyware and malware.
Someone did that to me once and I came home to all sorts of weird porn links in the history and gross downloads. I had to clean every inch of my keyboard too. It was so much more than I ever wanted to know about him that I could barely look him in the eye for a week.
That’s why I did it.
Don’t hit my cats. Of course, they might handle the “going nuclear” bit themselves if you do- they have functional teeth and claws. If I tell you not to do something to the cats, or to stop doing something to them, there’s probably a reason, and it might well have to do with those teeth and claws possibly being used on you. I’m not going to be very sympathetic if you do something to the cats after I told you not to and then they bite or scratch you, unless you are under the age of about six.
We live with cats. That means there is cat hair around. It is extremely difficult to get all the cat hair off carpets and furniture. If the cats live there, it’s quite futile, since they will just shed more hair. If you’re allergic, or just grossed out by that, we should probably meet up somewhere else.
I don’t agree with this at all. I’ve walked into people’s home and had their dog immediately shove its face in my crotch and start biting my hand. Yeah, I will yell at your dog. I’d yell at your husband or child if they did the same thing. I’d yell AT YOU if you did the same thing.
Don’t let anyone come to your house if the condition is they have to consent to assault.