Favorite "Family Guy" Quotes

In honor of the thread on “Family Guy”'s cancellation, what are your favorite bits from the show? It seems like the good lines were pretty spread out among the characters. Here are some of my faves.

(Peter, waiting in the grocery line and being approached by a rep from the Beautiful People Club): “I need an adult! I need an adult!

(Peter at the doctor’s office)
Doctor: “That’s not a growth, Mr. Griffin, it’s your penis.”
Peter: “Oh. (pause) And th . . .”
Doctor: “Testicles.”
Stewie (talking to the butler): “Cut my meat!”
Butler: “It’s already cut, sir.”
Stewie: “Then cut my milk!”

(Peter at a life drawing class): “Am I . . . am I supposed to draw the penis?”
(Peter at a sculpture class): “Am I . . . am I supposed to sculpt the penis?”
(Peter at a music class): “Am I . . . am I supposed to conduct with my penis?”

Peter: “Oh, yeah, I read all about this in a book.”
Brian: “Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn’t nothing?”

Stewie: for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!

and him again:

Stewie: Jell-o. Ooh, I feel like I’m on the deck of the QE2!

That kid slays me.


Brian, sensing a strong smell: “That’s either bad meat or good cheese.”

Brian on a German tourbus

Brian: Hey, there’s this gap in your History of Germany pamphlet
Guide: No, it is entirely accurate
Brian: No, no, there’s this gap between 1933 and 1945
Guide: Yes, but…
Brian; Well, in 1933 Hitler…

This is far from the actual quote. Does anyone know if there’s an SNPP for Family Guy?

LMAO Knead, I’ve never seen that one.

Hey, I’ve been to Charlotte. Well, the airport…

At the beginning of one episode, they had a “comercial” for a jewelry store. It was in the style of the shadows and the music playing, and the shadow man slid the ring onto the shadow woman. Then the woman went down on the man.
“Buy her a diamond, because hey, she’ll pretty much have to.”

Chris: I never knew anyone who went crazy before, except for my invisible friend Colonel Schwarz!
Brian: To me New York is like Prague - sans the whimsy.

Stewie- What the deuce?

(Stewie had a long one about the Weakest link but I don’t want to butcher it so I’ll wait for someone else who knows it better)
Tom (Anchor Man)- And now to our african american weather man, So whats the weather like?

African American Weather man: IT GON RAIN!
Stewie- Damn you, vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb. When you least expect it your uppance will come!

Stewie-You know Mother, life is like a box of chocolates (he presents her with a box), you never know what you’re going to get, your life however is more like a box of active grenades! (the box has grenades in it) Now I offer you one last chance for deliverance- return my mind control device, or be destroyed.

Stewie- Ah, the breakfast thing. Yes, it wasn’t about the eggs really, frankly I like the yolks, I…I don’t…I have no problem, it’s, there’s always been a lot of tension between Lois and me and it’s not so much that I want to kill her. It’s just that I want her not to be alive anymore. I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself, by god wouldn’t it be marvellous if I turned out to be a homosexual

Brian- Oh good Lord you saw them together didn’t you? You know the tub where you take your little baths?..They’ve done it there too

Tom: Because of an accident today at the Quahog Cable Company all television transmission will be out of action for an undetermined amount of time. Of course no one can see this news programme, so it doesn’t really matter what we say…
Tom: I’m the Lord Jesus Christ! Let’s all go get drunk and beat up some midgets! How about you Diane?
Diane: Well Tom, I just plain don’t like black people.
Camera Man: You guys, we’re still on in Boston…
(They stare at the camera like a deer caught in headlights)
I love that show and hate Fox for cancelling it… You know what? I’m writing them a angry letter.

Peter: Exploitation film? Nah, you should see the ones my cousin made.
[cut to scene from “Black to the Future.”] "Oh, you so outta time!

The Willy Wonka ep:
“What do you get when you’re stuck in a chair?
Finding it hard to go up and down stairs?
What do you think of the one you call God?
Don’t you find his absence ra… ther… odd?
[basso]Maybe he’s forgotten you![basso]”

Peter: There’s a message in my Alpha-Bits! It says “Oooooo!”
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.

Quagmire: Does this look like a Q? [shifting] How about now?

Oh man this show is hilarious. Too many good quotes, but heres a couple…

Cop: Hey, you’re that black guy I saw on the news, right?
Peter: Yeah…
Cop: (to walkie talkie) I’m gonna need some backup here, I’ve got a stolen vehicle.
Peter: But this is my car!
Cop: (to walkie talkie) Suspect’s getting belligerent.
Peter: What?
Cop: (to walkie talkie) Officer down. (Slams himself face first on the concrete)

“Its kinda like ‘Bang The Drum Slowly.’ Except the drum’s a chick.”

The sequence with ‘catch the greased up deaf guy’ was classic comedy

Well, Big Kahuna,

Deliciously disturbing bit: Peter licking his nipple.

Stewie to acting rival:

“Uh-ha-ha-ha. Oh gosh, that’s funny. That’s really funn- Do you, do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. ‘You are the weakest link, good bye.’ You know, I’ve never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmmm… you’re the first. I’ve never heard anyone reference… reference that outside the program before. Because that’s, that’s what she says on the show, right? Isn’t it? ‘You are the weakest link, good bye.’ And, and, and yet you’ve taken that and, and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God, what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with, with a joke like that all by yourself. Hmmm… that’s so fresh, too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me, as long as were hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity? ‘Cause I’m, I’m here. God, you’re so funny.”
Quahog Action News Team:

“I’m the Lord Jesus Christ! Let’s all go get drunk and beat up some midgets! How about you Diane?”

“Well Tom, I just plain don’t like black people.”
Does anyone remember the quote about the jack-in-the-box that causes Stewie to die inside?

Here ya go.

OK, not a quote, but one of the funniest sight gags:

In the episode, “Screwed the Pooch”, where Brian and Lois are talking in the kitchen.

Peter has gone to extreme lengths to NOT talk to Brian. He is eating breakfast in a glass chamber - with no ventilation. He’s quietly eating and lets out a fart. At first he lets out a sigh of relief. Then he realizes he can’t get out.

Ah, geez, that reminds me of the episode in which the Y2K bug causes civilization (well, Qahog, at least) to collapse. Peter greedily eats an entire case of condensed packaged meals. As they all expand at once, ballooning him to super-size, he says, “Everybody out of the room. I have to poop. Now.”

Hehe i love the Weakest Link one, thanks.

This is probably my favorite:
Peter: (Thinking about something he strokes his double chin) Hmmm… Hey! What are these doing up here? (he pulls off his “chin” and puts them back in his underwear)
They were his TESTICLES people! Figure it out!

When Death tries to get Peter to kill the cast of Dawson’s Creek:

“You know, when these guys first came on the air, I thought, I’m going to have to kill them someday.”

Peter and friends see someone at a grave:
“Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy!”

Wait, forgot one:

Quagmire (knocking on the door of Meg’s popular enemy) Hey, how old are you?

Girl: 16

Quagmire: 18? You go first!

Girl: Mom!

Quagmire: I like where this is going…

Randy Newman:
Fat man with his kids and dog
Drove in through the morning fog
Hey there, Rover!
Come on over!
Well, it’ll be nice to have some music while we eat!

Randy Newman:
Red-headed lady
Reachin’ for an apple
Gonna take bite…
Nope, nope.
She gonna breathe on it first
Wipes it on her blouuuuuuuuuse…ehh

She takes a bite!
Chews it once


three times

four times

Saliva working!
Takes a long hard look at Randy!
(five times)
Fat old husband walkin’ over!
Let’s get the hell out of here.