Brian asking Lois if there would have ever been any chance of them hooking up:
“What if you were drunk?”
“Well, I’d have to be pretty dr— oh, God, no!”
Brian: Who’s leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini?
Peter, after getting pegged in the jewels: Ahhhh, ssssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…ahhhhh, ssssst…
Peter: Oh no. I gotta fart, but I don’t know which way to lean.
Lois: Kids, we just have to learn to accept this. Like one of those stories on Dateline where a family member suffers a horrible accident and becomes a burden on everybody. Sure, they pretend to be happy, but they’re dead inside, they’re dead. And that’ll be our lives.
Lois: Well, as I always say, a family of freaks is better than no family at all.
Peter: Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him?
Brian: You’re asking if they’ve ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance.
Peter: Yeah.
Brian: No, they’ve never done that.
Peter: Well, we promised Lois we’d use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn’t hurt.
Peter: Make like Siamese twins and split… and then one of you die.
Peter: Wow, that Lois is some kinda woman.
Quagmire: Yeah, just thinkin’ about her makes my testicles wanna drop. Ooh, speak of the devil.
Tom: Huh, get used to this sight, Diane: guys running away from you.
Diane: Tom, you’re so deep in the closet you’re finding Christmas presents.
Peter: I’m gonna go microwave a bagel and have sex with it.
Quagmire: Butter’s in the fridge!
I’ll never forget Stewie referring to Lois’ womb as “that uterine Gulag.” sniff
Wearia, in a previous thread about the family guy somebody asked for a transcript of Stewie’s tirade. I had the episode on tape, went home, transcribed it and posted it. When I read your request, I was excited to get the opportunity to pull that out again! Then I saw that Romola posted it, exactly. Hmmm… did that come from my earlier post? Should I feel flattered?
“Can I count to three? I’m already shooting at a fifth grade level!” – Stewie
You forgot the best part of that. It went something like this:
Tom (Anchor Man)- And now to our african american weather man with the Blacku-Weather forecast, So whats the weather like?
African American Weather man: IT GON RAIN!
hehe…I love this show…PLEASE put it out on DVD SOON!
Lois: Peter, I think our marriage is in serious trouble. Are you even listening to me?
Peter: Hey, you know what I haven’t seen a while? Big League Chew.
Lois: You should really spend some more time with Peter.
Lois’ Father: Ug, I’d rather be trapped in an elevator with Carrot-Top, Gilbert Gottfried…David Arquette…uh…Sean Hayes…well, you get the idea.
Peter: Hi folks. We had a lot of fun tonight. But I’ll tell you what’s not funny. Killing strippers. They’re people just like you and me, except they negotiate sexual favors for a price in the VIP room. Besides, you don’t have to kill them. Most of them are already dead inside.
Brian (farting): Peter, this one you CAN blame on the dog.
Peter (racing to find a bathroom so he can poop): Uh-oh. This is gonna be a photo finish.
Stewie, to three waiters:
You, fetch me a copy of the New York Times. You two, fight to the death.
Diane (anchor woman): …she swallowed a record amount of semen that day.
Tom (anchor man) [wide-eyed]: Wow! That musta been some hurricane!
There’s one episode where Peter is feeling really jealous and possessive of Lois…they’re at the grocery store together, and this guy comes up to them, looks at Lois and says
Guy: Boy! Those are nice melons!
Peter: Hey, buddy, you’re talking about my wife!
<cut to Lois, holding melons>
Lois: Peter, I’m holding melons.
Guy: And those are some nice hooters, too!
Peter: Hey!
<Cut to Lois, with owls perched on her>
Lois: Peter, I’m holding hooters.
Guy: And those are real nice breasts!
<Guy runs away>
Spritle: I’m pretty sure I got that quote in an e-mail, so by all means, take the credit.
Stewie: “Let me guess…you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I’m expected to turn and turn until OOP! Big shock, a jack pops out. And you laugh, and the kids laugh, and the dog laughs, and I die a little inside.”
Stewie: "I was under the impression the name of the show was “Kids Say the Darndest Things,” not “Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up.”
Stewie: “I was pink as a pistol! Pink as a pistol?! Good lord, I can’t even form a cogent simile anymore!”
Stewie: “I say, if you find a human skeleton with a Lincoln Log jammed in the temple, I didn’t do it. But I need that log back to finish my recreation of James Madison’s cabin.”
Lois: “I’ve seen that crappy Julia Roberts movie 47 times. Have you seen the lips on that woman? Like a baboon’s ass on her face.”
Peter (at Mr. Weed’s funeral): Good afternoon everyone. As you know we of the Christian faith believe that Jesus is not really dead, but that he must let the world think that he is dead until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him da da daa da daaaa (superimposes half of a picture of the Incredible Hulk onto a picture of Jesus).
Thank you for starting this thread. Now all we have to do is hope that FOX doesn’t find some way to CANCEL IT!
My favorite parts in recent memory were Chris’ references to the monkey that wants to kill him, which is always followed by ridicule from his family, cutting immediately to a hidden vantage point where the monkey appears all razor-toothed-grinninng, and pointing to Chris menacingly.
I also loved Peter’s laugh, and the way his eyes always wandered a bit south when talking to Lois. But my absolute favorite part was when he gets a coupon from a chicken off the street, and goes to use it in the store:
Clerk: “I’m sorry sire, this coupon is expired…”
Peter: “That son of a…” And he attacks the chicken, resulting in a fight scene that lasts for what seems like 5 minutes, involving various locales, and employing false endings, only to have Peter emerge victorious, and calmly rationalize to the people watching him depart:
“Chicken gave me a bad coupon…”
DAMN YOU FOX NETWORK!
“He wasn’t always evil.”
- Chris, referring to the evil monkey that lives in his closet.
Oh poor Spritle… You could always post it again… Or rather you could post that little dance number Stewie and that girl did in that episode. Oo oo! And the insults that followed it. Yeah that’ll do. Get to it, chop chop! Or not, whatever works for you 
.
Wearia
Just about every line spoken by the wierd old man Chris delivers the paper to is hilarious:
“Mmmm… That’s a nice muscley throwin’ arm you got there… I got a nice tip for you right here in my pocket, but my arthritis. Why don’t you reach in there and fish it out for yourself”
and later…
“Hey, muscley arm, why the long face?.. You like popsicles? Then you need to come on down to the cellar. I got a whole freezer full of popsicles”
Not quotes, but here’s a couple of my favorite sequences:
The interrogation scene of the fake TV cop show “Gumbel 2 Gumbel.” Bryant Gumble asks a question and the suspects answers quickly, then Gumble just says “mm hm” and nods over and over again for about a minute.
There’s a part in the Luke Perry episode where Peter is trying to figure out how to make up for lying about Luke Perry being gay. He gets the idea to get a photo of Luke Perry doing something gay, then stands up and does this wierd shaking, excited sound thing. Hard to explain, but insanely funny.
Heh, I’m watching an episode now, and there was another good quote. Peter is told his family will be put in the witness relocation program and relocated to the deep south.
“Aww, the deep south? Isn’t that the place where the black guys are really lazy, and all the white guys are just as lazy but they’re mad at the black guys for being so lazy?”
In one episode, mayor Adam West pushes Peter through a trap door, then says:
“I love this job more than I love taffy. And I’m a man who enjoys his taffy…”
He then proceeds to chew loudly on taffy for about a minute.
All the really long, random jokes never fail to crack me up.
Another great quote in this episode I’m watching:
Peter interviewing for a job, and the boss asks him “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Peter sees a picture of the guy’s family on the desk.
Peter’s Brain: “Don’t say Doin’ your wife, don’t say doin’ your wife, don’t say doin’ your wife.”
Peter: “Doin’ your… son?”
Holy crap, I haven’t watched all the episodes I have in a couple months. I’ve forgotten so much. Time for a family guy-athon again.
I have none. I hated that show.
Speaking of the one about them going south…
Peter is constantly being mauled by a raccoon that resides in random places in they’re new home. Such as the fridge. As you can guess, quite hilarious. So anyway Peter goes to use the outhouse and it is knocked over, spill gallons of human waste over him…
Peter- AW AW GOD! ITS IN MY RACCOON WOUNDS!
I’m really gonna miss that show… 
Wearia
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The handicapped guy with the voice modulator at the Special Olympics. I can’t remember the exact words, but the voice is what made it hilarious. [computerized voice]: “You dumb son of a bitch. Hahahahaha.”
-
The whole episode with the Kiss concert: an incoherent Ace slurring “Rock and roll” at random times; Ace and Peter (Criss, not Griffin), after Gene and Paul storm offstage, singing “Chattanooga Choo Choo” and dancing around. I laughed for about an hour when I saw that sight gag.
Peter: Holy crip, he’s a crapple!
When Lois’s aunt dies:
What’d we get? What’d we get? Big money! Big money! No Whammy no Whammy! stop!!
and when Peter tries to become more cultured and takes french:
“IN france to say yes we say oui oui”
"thats funny lady, how do you say no? do do?
“I’ll be right back, I gotta go take a wicked yes.”