Favorite "Family Guy" Quotes

Cafe Society
41

[about donuts]
Stewie: No sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you!

Stewie: Now look here… [looks at airport agent’s name tag] Jolene! I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once! I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. But no pickles! Oh, God help you if I find pickles!

Jeff Foxworthy: You know you’re a redneck when your gun rack has a gun rack on it.
Stewie: You suck!

Stewie: Oh, I feel so deliciously white trash! Mommy, I want a mullet!

Chris: It tastes like a monkey. A monkey that’s past its prime.

The black neighbor (what’s his name?): He took the fat he took out of her to make the two kids from “Good Burger.”

Saddam Hussein: …And then Jerry guesses her name was “Mulva.”

And I beleive there was a scene early last September that depicts Osama Bin Laden waiting to go through an airport turnstile with some questionable-looking luggage. Quite eerie.

So please start your own “I hate Family Guy” thread and leave this quote thread alone.

42

Brian : Peter, if you’re going to pull a party out of your ass, you might want to stand up…

Stewie is trying to teach little Eliza to speak properly (My Fair Lady parody)…

Stewie : No, no, no. Here’s what it’s supposed to sound like – “The life of the wife is taken by the knife”. Here’s what you sound like…

(turns over toy that makes sound): MOOOOOO!

In the Drunken Clam turned into an English pub…

English Chap 1: I say… Do you know what’s very very funny? A man in women’s clothing.

English Chap 2: Yes, quite. Smashing good, love.

Diane: Tom, I’m getting late word that you’re a petty, jealous closet case.

Tom: Bit of breaking news - we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?

Stewie: You know, mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hays, once said… I’m going to kill you!

God I love this show!

43

Lois is wiping Stewie’s bottom–

Stewie: AND DON’T FORGET THE TAINT!!

44

I just went back and found one of my favorite early episodes on an old vieotape and watched it again. Lots of great quotes in this one – it’s the episode about Stewie’s first birthday (and the party they are trying to plan for him)…

Stewie: (pointing at diapers) I say… Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here!

Stewie: (in the womb): Day 171… I’ve sprouted an odd finger. Counting the one from yesterday (:::looking down at lap:::), I’m up to 11.

(From Peter’s “vision” of Cheesy Charlies – i.e. the story he is making up to explain his screw-up…)
Proprietor (dressed like Satan): The children get to play our games, and if they win enough tickets they get a prize.

Little boy: I have 13 tickets now, is that enough?

Man at counter: I’m sorry Timmy, but you need 15 tickets to live!
:::Timmy drops through trap door:::

Stewie (to airport guard): Noooo, damn you! You’re one of them, aren’t you! What are they paying you? I’ll double it! I’ll give you whatever you want – money! Women! … Men?

Jennifer (Meg’s new friend): What a lovely house, Mrs. G! Meg, you didn’t tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart!

Lois: Oh, no… Once you get to know me, I’m really very nice.

Stewie: Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing!

Stewie (to airport guard): Hmmmm… The ruptured capillaries in your nose belie the clarity of your wisdom.

Brian: Well, Peter, you’ve only got a couple hours left. If you’re going to pull a party out of your ass, you might want to stand up.

Lois: Peter, there’s a naked man on this cake.

Peter: Well, there were only two left… and trust me, you did not want the one of Al Roker with the Hershey Kiss nipples.

Man in white: Where are you? What do you want?!!
Stewie: Freedom! What do you want?
Man in white: I want to get the hell out of here!
Stewie: Oh, I’m sorry, we’re fresh out of that. I’m afraid all we have left is untimely death!

45

“Yeah, uh, I’m looking for toilet training books."
“Oh yes, we can help you there. Uh, ‘Everybody Poops’ is still the standard of course. We have also got the less popular ‘Nobody Poops But You.’”
“Hah, well see, we’re Catholic, so uh…”
“Oh, then you’d want 'You’re a Naughty Child and That’s Concentrated Evil Coming Out From Back of You.”
“Perfect!”
I also liked the nudist neighbors’ cookout. The nude wife offered Peter a beer:
“I have Busch.”
Peter’s pupils move down and back up.
“And Busch light.”
I don’t remember the exact dialog, but when they were in the police van, Peter walks under an automatic arrest device; handcuffs come out and are put on him, while the van says “suspect apprehended.” When Cleveland walks under it: “Warning – minority suspect!!” batons come out and start beating him; “he’s got a weapon!” as another arm comes out and drops a gun by him.
Stewie to Lois, while visiting a college: “Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears, that would ring a few bells”

46

Brian: “Way to go, Peter. You’re the Spalding Gray of crap.”