I was watching a re-run of family guy the other day, and I almost laughed myself into a seizure.
Chris: Uh, Dad, maybe we should just give up. I mean, we’ve tried everything.
Peter: Well, we almost got that one for insect study.
[cut to Peter & Chris watching a rich family eat]
Peter: Look Chris, it’s a whole family of wasps!
Rich Father: My Margaret, what a sub-par ham.
Rich Mother: Perhaps I can’t bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
[pause]
Rich Father: [to daughter] Patty, did you know your mother is a whore?
actually, I was about to ask for the link where someone asked what the line
The power of Christ compels you!
It was on recently, when Peter thought Chris was talking in tonuges but it was just homeboy stuff.
Peter: There’s a message in my Alpha-bits! It says “OOOOOOOOOOO”
Brian: Peter, those are Cheerios.
Brian: Oh my God, they’re eating Asian reporter Tricia Takinawa!
Peter: That’s crazy! They’re just going to be hungry again in an hour.
Stewie: It’s not so much that I want to kill Lois…I just want her not to be alive anymore.
Stewie: Wouldn’t it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?!
God answering his phone: “Ka-a-a-a-aren…”
Puts me in hysterics every time.
Stewie: “Ice cream. But no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find, I shall KILL YOU!”
Fat Stewie: “Damn you, ice cream! Come to my mouth…”
Chris: You have to come dad! (or something, talking about the soap box derbi)
Peter: Heh-heh… you said “come”"
Chris: Dad, what’s the blow-hole for?
Peter: I’ll tell you what it’s not for, son. And when I do, you’ll understand why I can never go back to Sea World.
Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I’m expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.
Peter: Just don’t forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it.
Brian: Hola, me Ilamo es brian … Nosotros caramos ir condustedes… uhhhh …
Bellboy(spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said “me llamo es Brian,” you don’t need the “es,” just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak english
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You … you’re kidding me, right?
Bellboy(spanish): Que?
Lois : What’s going on down here?
Stewie: Oh, we’re playing house.
Lois: That boy’s all tied up.
Stewie: Roman Polanski’s house
Stewie: “Damn you, vile woman! You’ve impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.”
Olivia: You are the weakest link, goodbye.
Stewie: Ha ha ha! Oh gosh that’s funny! That’s really funny! Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. You are the weakest link goodbye. You know, I’ve, I’ve never heard anyone make that joke before. Hmm. You’re the first. I’ve never heard anyone reference, reference that outside the program before. Because that’s what she says on the show right? Isn’t it? You are the weakest link goodbye. And, and yet you’ve taken that and used it out of context to insult me in this everyday situation. God what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that all by yourself. That’s so fresh too. Any, any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me too as long as we’re hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity. God you’re so funny!
“So uh, based on what we’ve seen with the wife, what can we expect in terms of droopage here? Like are we talking ‘a slight slope’? or a fried-eggs-hanging-on-a-nail-kinda-thing?”
When peter and Lois are fighting and Peter goes ‘dance the dance of life with me Lois’ and runs into the china hutch was great too.
I love that scene, but it wasn’t a bellboy. It was a migrant farmworker.
My favorite:
German Tour Guide: You will find more on Germany’s contributions to ze arts on ze pamphlets ve haf provided.
Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet, uh, I’m not seeing anything on German history between 1939 and 1945. There’s just a big gap.
German Tour Guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left…
Brian: What are you talking about, Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and…
German Tour Guide: Ve vere invited! Punch vas served! Check vith Poland!
Brian: You can’t just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism’s stranglehold on Germany.
German Tour Guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen.
Brian: A Dairy Queen? Why, that’s preposterous!
German Tour Guide: I WILL HEAR NO MORE OF THESE INSINUATIONS AGAINST THE GERMAN PEOPLE! NOTHING BAD HAPPENED! (throws hands up in Nazi salute) SIE WERDEN SICH HINSETZEN! SIE WERDEN RUHIG SEIN! SIE WERDEN NICHT BELEIDIGEN DUETSCHLAND!!
[stunned silene on tour bus]
Brian: … uh, is that a beer hall?
German Tour Guide: Oh yes! Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls!