I’ve always been a bit of an instigator. I would address the elephant in the room and just ask him why he was on a date and not communicating, and if he would like to end it. I would tell him its really odd that someone could have little to no opinion on anything. I would tell him how he comes across as, boring and uninterested, and ask him if that’s the image he wanted to project
One thing I find makes conversation easy on a first date is to plan the date in a topic rich enviroment. If you are somewhere near the ocean thats easy. You have the harbor, the lights, the boats, the fisherman, the sounds, the smells, etc. I never realized how much I depended on props until last year when I had met a girl for dinner at a casino, I found nothing interesting in my surroundings and don’t really enjoy talking gambling. It went ok but the topic ended up on more of a personnal level than I care to usually go early on a first date.
I don’t think I’d have the guts to come out and say something like that. I tried to speed things up by telling him I wanted to go pick up food before work. That’s when the food/vegetarian conversation began because I was getting a veggie burger.
Also- I received a suggestion that I should post my OkCupid profile. Not sure if that’s ok (I don’t really care, I’m more concerned about being appropriate for the board) or if I should just post a general idea of what my profile says. I have no idea how to post a link to it anyway since the url just ends with /profile. It only links to mine specifically if I’m logged in.
Depending on where you live, I’d suggest singles groups. Kickball, cooking classes, mixers, rafting trips, winery tours, etc. all populated by similar aged, like-minded singles. It’s almost as easy to hook up as it’d be in college. Works MUCH better than online dating.
That’s a great idea and there’s plenty of stuff like that in New York. My friend does group sports actually and that’s how I met the kind of nerdy guy. Maybe I should go to more of my friend’s sports meet ups (just kidding) or do some sort of group thing on my own.
We didn’t have coffee; we had dirt. Gravel if it was a second date.
Regards,
Shodan
Not necessarily. Some guys just don’t want to ever be married. Or they were married once and don’t want to be tied down again.
Yeah, wait until you see what gems you meet in your 30s!:eek:
That’s actually pretty good. A single friend of mine was telling me a story about this perfect guy she was dating. He was good looking, had a good job, really nice, her friends all liked him. But then one time he came to her apartment to pick her up for a date. She went to get her coat and when she came back he was passed out on the floor covered in his own feces and vomit.
They didn’t talk much after that.
It’s not boring, but it’s a solitary activity. And some people might not want a relationship based on discussing literature all the time.
I haven’t dated in awhile, but I don’t know that checking off a bunch of activities is the best way to evaluate a mate. I mean I don’t like shoe shopping and my wife doesn’t give a shit about Call of Duty.
Did he have some sort of explanation? That’s pretty extreme.
Did she just leave him there? it sounds like a medical issue (fine one minute, passed out w/o control of your digestive system the next). If so, I’d say he is the one who dodged the bullet. I’m going to add ‘calls an ambulance if I have a seizure’ to my list of attractive traits in a mate.
Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. How does one find these singles groups? I have looked at meetup and they have a few, is there another source to find them?
I don’t know if local colleges or schools would have affordable classes I can go to.
Anyway, point is how does a person find these interesting social clubs full of singles of the preferred gender?
Is ZogSports anywhere outside of NYC? There must be similar groups for team sports. My friend is part of one in Philly.
Where I used to live the town/homeowner’s association/whatever would send out a monthly newsletter about classes and such that they were offering, some of which were free or offered on a sliding scale.
Otherwise I’d say meetup.com is the best place to look.
Men who want to explain their dating failures as women being too slutty/selfish/shallow?
Seriously, ladies, stop pursuing sexual pleasure with hot guys that you like! Down that way lies only trouble. Uh huh.
Sorry, I haven’t had time to read all of the responses, but I wanted to point to two observations:
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Many of the great, interesting guys out there are already in serious committed relationships. Hard to meet them.
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Many of the great, interesting guys out there are out doing great, interesting things… not hanging around OkCupid. I mean, you say that the guys aren’t that interesting, but are you interesting?
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It seems odd that you’ve had absolutely zero luck with getting deeply involved with someone. I mean, chemistry is important to a certain degree, but maybe you aren’t giving some of these guys enough time to warm up. Some people won’t share what they are really interested in or are passionate about on the first few dates.
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If you want to be swept off your feet, I feel like in many cases it’s much easier if you put yourself in a risky position. Be “out there” and available. Partake in interesting and daring situations. Travel abroad. Join groups or clubs that are focused on something its members are passionate about.
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Identify what makes you desirable and emphasize it. This isn’t necessarily you, since I don’t know you, but I think a lot of women take for granted that just because they are even mildly attractive or smart, they are desirable in the right way for the kinds of guys they want to date. This simply isn’t true. You should actively think about your qualities and why a guy would want to pursue you for a long term relationship. If the best idea you can come up with is that you are attractive, then what does that say about the types of guys you will attract? If you want guys who have more than just the physical aspect of a relationship in mind, try to be desirable to the sort of guy you want. Related to point #2 above, what can you do or emphasize about yourself that would catch the gaze of the interesting/non-boring guys you want to date?
These are just general observations about dating life. I don’t know how much they apply to you or anyone else, but thought they could be useful.
I confess that I, too, find most people boring or annoying - and I take a long time to warm up to everyone. This is entirely my problem, though. I’m sure I come off as boring to many people, as I am very quiet unless I know someone well and am in the mood to chat.
But I’ve found two men who were interesting, enough for me to fall in love with them, and they fell in love with me too, so I’m doing all right. I met them both in a more ‘general social circle’ kind of way, which seems to be key for me in building attraction. I tried online dating once and hated it. Met a few good, smart guys but there is no way I want to touch anyone, no matter how hot or awesome they are, when I have only met them a couple times for a few hours. And most men my age expect at least kissing after a few dates. It didn’t work out so well.
I don’t know if you have my problems but if I were single, I’d try to join activities and social groups which will put me in regular, casual contact with hopefully-single, interesting men who like doing at least one thing I do. Online dating works for many but isn’t for everyone.
You seem kind of wishy washy. Are you sure you know what you want?
First, I would write a mini manifesto/mission statement. This should include 1) your best qualities as an individual and also what things you bring to a relationship 2) what kind of guy you are looking for, what is most important to you, and what your deal breakers are 3) your view on relationships and what kind of relationship you want.
This will focus you on what you are really looking for, and gives you something to talk about, helps you write an effective profile, and makes it easier to be discerning about your choices.
I did this and ended up with a guy who I might have otherwise overlooked, but ended up matching most of my criteria, and actually ended up having some characteristics that were very important to me but I hadn’t thought to include.
You want to be at your best, so dress nice, be amicable, etc. But at the same time you don’t want to give a false impression, so don’t lie about anything. The more authentic you are, the more likely what seems like a good match will turn out to be true.
Definitely make use of online dating. It has a lot of useful tools. But use multiple sites to increase the odds. If you fall into a niche, make use of that - as a vegetarian you might want to try veggie specific sites. If you are Jewish, try J-date. If you want something really serious, try something like eharmony.
And you don’t have to jump right into dating. I had nice long chats online with my guy for about a month before we met. It made things more exciting and less awkward, having already established that we had a lot to talk about and having developed a comfort level.
Even once you are dating, there’s no need to rush things. It takes time to get to know someone, be really comfortable with them, and develop real affection. Imagine how few friendships people would have if they put that kind of pressure on their developing friendships.
But try other methods too. Where are you hanging out anyway? There’s bars, church, conventions, etc. what activities do you like? Join a few activity groups. And other dating specific activities like mixers, parties, speed dating.
It seems like you could find a non boring guy by paying attention to profiles. If it is just one sentence per section that’s a pretty good clue. If he has a lot to say, or seems passionate about his hobbies or other interests, that’s a better sign. And you can ask him about the things he has already expressed interest in.
Make use of your social network. Ask friends to set you up. And ask them for their honest opinion about how you present yourself.
And date a lot. It is a numbers game. Don’t be afraid to date more than one guy at a time. Right before I found my guy I was dating about eight different guys, some of them simultaneously, over a period of two months. This will take a lot of the pressure off, and allow you to seem interested but not desperate. Keep it casual until it is no longer feeling casual.
And make the dates interesting. Go to an amusement park. Go skydiving. Go bicycling. Visit a theme restaurant. Use dating as an excuse to do things you’ve always wanted to do but lacked the company or excuse.
Finally, be the person you want to date. If you want someone affectionate, be affectionate. If you want someone generous, be generous, if you want someone sexy, be sexy. If you want someone serious, be serious.
Just wondering if the conversations were you asking a bunch of questions, them answering at great length and never inquiring about you, or if they were just talking about themselves voluntarily without asking anything. So apparently there’s some mixture, but I’d say in cases when they’re talking about themselves without being asked, feel free to volunteer some info about yourself too. You needn’t be asked a question. I generally prefer when people just talk without being prompted. I’ll ask questions if the person doesn’t talk easily without being asked anything, but for the most part, I just talk and don’t ask people a lot of questions about themselves on dates.
Why is that? I dunno, I don’t like conversations to feel like interviews. I prefer if we can just talk about whatever and have a back-and-forth. “So what do you like to read?” “What are your hobbies?” “What do you do for a living?” “What’s the last great movie you saw?” Lame. I don’t talk that way. I bring up whatever I want to bring up, and hopefully he’ll have something to say about it, and if not, something of his own to bring up without my having to ask.
Sorry, I think I’m hijacking.
Also if you want to go internet dating some dating sites can be more theme focused. I met my wife on a Catholic dating site. We are both pretty orthodox Catholics and it gave us a lot of common ground from the very beginning.
Crap, this was supposed to be in response to Robot Arm. Somehow I either deleted his quote or… I dunno. I’m not even drunk yet, so no excuse.
I agree that there’s an expectation that other conversational topics will become apparent. But there’s also a difference between not wanting to discuss literature all the time, and being completely unable to discuss literature, period.
Well… the first rule of singles group is that we do not talk about singles group.
Actually it’ll depend on where your live. NYC I’m sure has a thousand different groups. A quick googling will probably give you more than you can handle.
I wouldn’t be so quick to give up on the sports league. Just because a nerdy guy hitched his boring wagon to your star doesn’t mean you will attract a nerdy guy the second time. Kickball leagues and soccer leagues often have happy hours and bar specials immediately following the games. I know of at least one competitive flip cup league where the pretenses of sports is entirely thrown out of the window so that the singles can jump straight into social lubrication and flirting.
You’ll have to pick the right one with the right mix of partying intensity. Don’t be too quick to write off the entire idea if a particular event is not your cup of tea. In DC the events range from the aforementioned flip cup and raves to embassy parties (not as classy as you’d imagine) to hang gliding to white river rafting, etc. Even international vacations. I’m shocked that they sell out trips to Iceland entirely via singles group advertising.