A little background, my last two relationships have ended because I wasn’t able to ejaculate while having intercourse. I can ejaculate when I masturbate, but it hasn’t happened lately while having intercourse. I’ve talked to female friends about this and they all seem to say that they would not be worried by this especially if it didin’t bother the man and if they felt that the man was in the moment with them and they felt connected to him.
Currently I’m seeing a therapist about this issue, but I’m confilicted. When I think about how I felt when I was ejaculating during intercourse, and how I feel when I ejaculate from masturbation, I get the same feeling and often times a more intense one, in my head, when I’m having sex with someone that I’m really turned on by. I’m confused.
Hm. I guess I fall into camp with your female friends.
It would only bother me in that I would worry that the male in question wasn’t enjoying himself…if, however, he explained the situation as you have here, I’d stop worrying about that so much. It wouldn’t bother me on a physical enjoyment level, though.
I really believed it wasn’t me–an explaination that it is an ongoing condition would help with that and
I wasn’t made to feel like your non-ejaculation turned sex into something that you did as a favor for me. I’ve seen many relationships ruined by this attitude, though normally it goes the other way, gender-wise. Sex should never be something one person feels compelled to be greatful about. Since many women think that most men only consider it “real” if they come, I think it would be wise if you took the time to be really sure that your woman understood that you still really enjoyed having sex, even without the orgasm.
Paradoxically, unless you are one of those “hair trigger” types many men need be somewhat relaxed/comfortable emotionally with a woman to get “that special place” of ultimate excitement. In some case excessive masturbation can desensitize you and interfere with the level of sensation you need to achieve climax. Lay off “taking care of business” yourself for a week or two and find a woman you can give yourself up to. Male climaxes are important to caring women in that they signal an an ability to be intimate and “let go” with them. This is very emotionally important to them aside from the sexual performance aspect.
All said, it’s a HUGE issue (and no I’m not being “cute”} right now. In my personal life and causing a heck of a lot of problems, and it’s really really tough going right now.
I would hope a 6 year relationship wouldn’t bust up over it, but it’s an issue. Would you care to take this to email? It would be nice to get another perspective…
And I think astro pretty much summed up what the deal is. I ain’t ugly (I don’t think) but I’m tired of the rejection. And yes, that’s EXACTLY what it feels like. And it HURTS.
I hear what you’re saying astro, but I think there are a lot of other things that signal ones ability to be intimate, which seems to be where my female friends seem to be coming from. I spoke to a prior lover about this issue, and her response was that it didn’t make a difference to her that the ejaculation did not happen. I probed as to why and she said that she wasn’t that concerned with it because there was so much about our love making and the relationship that worked. I view this person as a lot more caring and thoughful than the two women that I’ve indicated in my OP.
I may have a solution for you. I have the same basic problem, but I have figured out a way to over come the problem. (I’m not sure if that pun was intended or not.) This has caused problems in the past as I was told that they thought I did not like them because it either took me too long or I just didn’t. I have found that for me it’s because I’m a loose person by nature. My muscles are always relaxed and I am that way when having sex too. A couple of years ago I read that if you loosen you leg and stomach muscles you can go for quite awhile. I experimented and found it true for me.
YMMV, but I have found a possition that works great for me to end it. Sit on either the edge of the bed or chair and put your legs staight out, have her turn her back to you and let her do the moving. This usually forces me to tighten everything up. I can only remember once when it took longer then a few minutes to work.
You can shoot me an e-mail at ldrbryan at yahoo.com, but don’t put anything about sex in the subject or I will not read it, I get too much spam there.
The ejaculation part isn’t happening during intercourse, though there are times where I’ll get the orgasmic “buzz” in my head afterwards, this is the same “buzz” I’ll get if I masturbate. I’ve also have been manually stimulated by a partner and have gotten a more intense form of the “buzz” in addition to the body shivers, that one is a definite orgasm but it seems like the ejaculation part has been skipped over.
Edward The Head:
You may be onto something here, I can usually ejaculate faster standing up masturbating than sitting or laying down.
Were your former partner’s concerned about conceiving children?
I understand that it is a serious issue emotionally for you and them (and way to go on seeing a therapist), but physically this is the only downside i see. I have often wished that i didn’t have to deal with the ickyness of after sex.
