Brilliant!
To be fair, most of lissener’s involve suicide, not murder.
Sit down and gently explain that you are in love with the idea of her, but not in love with her, and that she deserves someone who can really appreciate her as a whole person, and not just an ideal, Jaleel.
dump her, thumper
Nah, that’s 2000 ways.
Ha.
Say, “It’s me, not you,” Drew
Can’t stand how you chew, Stew
Don’t let the door hit your ass, Lass
Tell your folks I said Hi, Skye
We’ve both grown apart, Art
Going out for a cig, Stig
We should see other guys, Is . . . . aac
and
Wish I knew how to quit you, Jack
Tell her you’re gay, Ray
Cornhole her with a cob, Bob.
Spell it in neon, Deion!
Look her in the eye and kneel, Shaquille!
Run away in the rain, Usain!
Let the ho be, Kobe! (Sorry)
Whack her in the jaw, D’Brickashaw! (Sorry again)
From a long-ago Harvard Lampoon parody of The Book of Lists:
TOP 6 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER:
- Slip out the back, Jack
- Make a new plan, Stan
- Don’t need to be coy, Roy
- Hop on the bus, Gus
- Drop off the key, Lee
- Go marry a homo, Shlomo
“‘Tan me hide when I’m dead, Fred,
Tan me hide when I’m dead.’
So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde,
And that’s him there on the shed…”
Slip out the black… jack.
Seriously,
Just slip them juice, Bruce.*
[sup]*This one is for you, Ally[/sup]
Take her to a nice restaurant in hopes she won’t make a scene and try to sugarcoat the reasons for the breakup including saying “it’s not you, it’s me” and try to explain in general terms that you’re unhappy without going into excessive detail because what you want most is a clean break with a minimum of regrets and second thoughts, Joss.
We need to talk, Rock.
You’re a really nice girl, Pearl.
I don’t know how to say this, Mavis.
We’ll always have Paris, Ferris.
With this shiny new blade, Sinead.
In the trunk of my car, Omar.
Held down in a tub, Bub.
Thrown into a quarry, Morrie.
Pushed out of a plane, Elaine.
Dragged behind my truck, Chuck.
Broken glass in your Wheaties, Petey.
Left for dead by the road, Joad.
Burned up in your bed, Jed.
Incised ear to ear, my dear.
Scalped and left in the sun, Hon.
Tied up on the trax, Dax.
In a terrorist attack, Jack.
In the showers in jail, Gayle.
In my crawlspace at night, Dwight.
Just swallow this pill, Jill.
Inhalation of smoke, Polk.
Alone at night in the zoo, Prue.
Slipped away in your dreams, Eames.
Suicide by police, Reese.
Face down in a ditch, Mitch.
Hand him over to Manson, Branson.
Wrap him up in a shroud, McCloud.
Subway car full of Serin, Darren.
Anthrax in a box, Knox.
Tied up in the cellar, Teller.
Don’t salmonella blow, Joe?
Ebola’s a drink, Pink.
Lightning struck in a storm, Norm.
Washed overboard by a wave, Dave.
Torn to shreds by a mob, Bob.
Back away from the brink, Linc.
Don’t go in that room, Hume.
So much for the chemo, Nemo.
No Heimlich for you, Stew.
Mix ammonia and bleach, Teach.
I swear this won’t hurt, Kurt.
No, that’s not a bomb, Tom.
Want a ride in my van, Dan?
Don’t your trust me at all, Paul?
Come home smelling like Gin, Vin
Go to the stripclub, Bub
Bang her sister, Mister
Or even her mom, Tom
Give her a smack, Black
Just be all uncommunicative and aloof and eventually she’ll break up with you , Lou
Tell her “Bitch! I’m watchin’ TV”, Lee (and set yourself free)
::mops from my keyboard the beverage that just shot out my nose::
I’m having trouble getting that one to scan …
But points for a two syllable name in the rhyme.
Just fuck her sister, mister.
Or you could nail her mother, brother.
Plow her best friend, Ken. D.
Pork the babysitter, Senator Vitter.