Five years down the drain

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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snailboy, that’s freakily similar to where I am at the moment - even down to spending a week in Chicago and deciding while there to break contact with her.

Despite everything I said to her at first, I simply cannot be friends. And my motivation for agreeing to remain friends was really that I wanted her back, and to have an excuse to spend time with her. But it’s just too painful, and reopens the wounds every time I am in touch. I believe that’s the “acceptance” phase - I now accept that it’s over and there’s no chance - and now I am starting to do what I need to heal properly.

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As that famous “Agony Uncle” Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “That which does not destroy me, only serves to make me stronger!” Keep yer chin up, Soul.

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Well Soul, you sound like you are making some interesting progress. :stuck_out_tongue:

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Hey everyone. I thought I’d dredge this thread back up and toss an update out there for anyone who thought I had fallen off of the planet.

I came back to the place where she and I lived yesterday. I thought I was well on my way to getting over her, but coming back here (even though she’s off staying with a friend) put me about halfway back. Then I found out that just a week and a half after we broke up she had sex with another guy. That put me all the way back and more. For the record, I believe she was not cheating on me at any point and that she hadn’t been planning this. That is what she told me, that she hadn’t foreseen this when we broke up and that she did it just to help her get over me; and I believe her. The thought of having sex with someone right now is incomprehensible to me, but I know that she had been thinking about the breakup for a while longer than me and that means that she’s further along than I am. I am not mad at her. In a weird way, I’m happy for her. Truly, I do care about her and do want her to be happy, even if that doesn’t involve me. Still, it wasn’t easy to hear.

I’m alone in this duplex for a while, surrounded by things that remind me of her. That’s making me very sad. All my friends live too far away to come play tonight or for me to go there and get back here at a reasonable hour, so I’m sort of destined to sit here and refresh the Dope for the rest of the evening. And it’s a particularly bad evening – my father died one year ago tonight.

It’s the most interesting thing: I can’t even remember what it feels like to be happy. Such a silly, emo thing to say, but it’s the truth. Right now (even when I go out and hug my Fit), I can’t even fathom what being happy is like.

But! All is not lost!

There is a light at the end of this tunnel, even if I can’t see it right now. I’ve been really terrified about moving out of here, because when I live alone I tend towards becoming extremely depressed and I was having zero luck finding a roommate. Well, turns out a friend of mine got a job near where I did and he was looking for someone to move in with. So now, I get to live with a really awesome guy who is a lot of fun and will really get me out and socializing.

Wait wait, back up. What did I just say?

I GOT A JOB!

Yes, although happiness is well out of my reach right now, a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. You are now reading the post of an employed man! I will be doing insurance preprocessing or verification or something for an orthopedic clinic. I go in and start my training in the morning!

State of Soul Statement, complete.

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Steady as she goes, dude. (by the racontours…YouTube it)

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If you need to cut off all contact with her, do it, dude. It isn’t a weakness if it’s what you need right now.

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You are not “halfway back” OR “all the way back and more.” This is progress. Each day that passes gives you one more day that you have moved on. And you ARE moving on. It doesn’t always feel good or happy, but I think you are seeing some light. Here is your test: give yourself a month. On August 28, 2008, look back on today and gauge your progress. This will happen by baby steps, but it will happen.

My heart goes out to you on your dad. My dad turned 75 today, and he told me his skin doctor found two more spots of skin cancer. Every day is bittersweet.

And good on you for the job!

You’re doing good!

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Yeah, I’ve had good days and bad days myself. The days where I can keep my mind occupied, especially on another potential mate (even though it would probably be very casual at this point), are the better days. I’m probably a bit further along than you though. It can do nothing but get better. And I practically cut off communication with her. We send each other a couple of text messages about once a week and that’s it. I keep waiting for it to get better but it’s a very slow process. On the bright side, I’m considering moving, albeit in a few months. I’d really like a change of scenery at this point.