Five years down the drain

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

[QUOTE=tdn]
This is great advice, and I’d extend it even further.

She didn’t like the way you folded the towels? Good, fold them the way you like. Extra points if it would have pissed her off. She didn’t like how you squeezed the toothpaste tube from the middle? Squeeze away. She didn’t let you throw your dirty socks on the floor? Make a freakin’ carpet out of them.

Assert your way of life.
[/QUOTE]

Preach it, brutha!

This brought to mind another coping trick I used. After my week of mourning, I sat down one night with a pen and paper. I decided to make a list of everything he did that annoyed me. These issues were of varying degrees of petty/not so petty.

Within 20 minutes, I had come up with 14 things. I was totally blown away. I typed up the list and referred to it regularly over the following weeks. It was very therapeutic. This may or may not work for anyone else, but it also taught me that I was overlooking a whole lotta criticism and control issues.

62

[QUOTE=featherlou]
Can we not do this?

I thought of one more piece of advice, Soul - don’t wait to do things until you’re feeling better. You get to feeling better BY doing things. This actually applies to almost all negative moods.
[/QUOTE]

Well, to be fair, bubba jr went on to say:

so at least he was saucing the gander along with the goose.

Which is really greasy, in case anyone missed the memo

And of course he’s right. Everyone in the world has serious issues and needs help badly - except for me, of course.

63

World Eater, great post, and pretty accurate. I would add that these phases aren’t linear, and you will probably shift backwards and forwards between them from time to time, but the general trend is forwards.

I am slowly swimming out of “drowning”, and into “mental landmines”. With a dose of anger thrown in just for shits and giggles, that comes with the realisation that I really was treated abominably, and that most of what she told me was a tissue of lies.

It’s been close to the toughest two months of my life so far, and has almost derailed my entire life - but slowly I am getting better. Man does it feel like it’s taking a long time. The days are short but the minutes are long.

Soul, it does get better, I promise, even though most of the time you won’t feel like you’re improving.

64

BTW re. escaping: the last time I went through a bad breakup, I escaped to the US, and it was a total disaster - I didn’t know anyone, but I was too miserable to put any effort into making friends. Not only did I have to deal with breakup depression, I also had to deal with crushing loneliness for about the first three months, until I started to heal a bit and make friends. Man, that sucked.

My advice is stick around people who care about you, because you’ll need to rant and cry to them. And avoid contacting your ex, no matter how much your heart screams to reach out to her.

65

[QUOTE=jjimm]
World Eater, great post, and pretty accurate. I would add that these phases aren’t linear, and you will probably shift backwards and forwards between them from time to time, but the general trend is forwards.

I am slowly swimming out of “drowning”, and into “mental landmines”. With a dose of anger thrown in just for shits and giggles, that comes with the realisation that I really was treated abominably, and that most of what she told me was a tissue of lies.

It’s been close to the toughest two months of my life so far, and has almost derailed my entire life - but slowly I am getting better. Man does it feel like it’s taking a long time. The days are short but the minutes are long.

Soul, it does get better, I promise, even though most of the time you won’t feel like you’re improving.
[/QUOTE]

I hear ya bro, I’m fresh out of a 6 year relationship myself. I’ve pretty much made it to phase 4, but I’m hitting a mental landmine every few weeks. I feel in my bones that the “cosmic reset” is just around the corner, so I’m getting excited.

I completely agree that the above phases can bleed together. There are certainly factors that can expedite or retard the process. Always keep in mind though that even if it’s 10 steps forward and 9 backwards, you’re still making progress.

66

You know, this would be a hell of a lot easier if I had a job and a home. I really don’t want to wear out my sofa-welcomes, but more than that I don’t want to go back to what used to be our home. I’m going to have to swallow my pride soon and…and…go see my mother. Ho lawdy.

67

[QUOTE=Soul]
You know, this would be a hell of a lot easier if I had a job and a home. I really don’t want to wear out my sofa-welcomes, but more than that I don’t want to go back to what used to be our home. I’m going to have to swallow my pride soon and…and…go see my mother. Ho lawdy.
[/QUOTE]

You’d be surprised how many heart-wounds a great heaping plate of home cooking can fix, I think.

68

Sorry to ruffle any feathers, I think Malacandra understood what I was saying.

[QUOTE=Soul]
You know, this would be a hell of a lot easier if I had a job and a home.
[/QUOTE]

Oh man, you must be going stir crazy. I’ve found the best thing is to bury myself in work. Since my brain is mushy/messed up the same as yours is right now, thats what I have done. I’ve only been home twice in the past 2.5 weeks. I just stay at the shop, that way when I can’t sleep I have something constructive to do, rather than sit around and think. It must have worked, 18 days into the month and we’ve already broke our monthly $$$$ record.

Go get a job, something physical or fast paced where they will let you work about 70 hours a week, also preferably something where you need to use your brain, it will really help. Get you into a schedule, and keep you occupied, the money will certainly help in getting a place to live. Structure is good when your brain isn’t doing so good.

Hang in there it gets easier, one of these mornings you’ll wake up with the realization that you are better off, I had that realization about 2 hours ago, and I’m feeling much better.

69

I think I understood pretty well what you were saying; it looks like you are one of these people who like to make sweeping generalizations about entire genders, and you think that making an incorrect one about women is mitigated by making an equally incorrect one about men. Women don’t all suck, and neither do all men; I’m not sure what you wanted to accomplish by posting something like that.

70

[QUOTE=featherlou]
I think I understood pretty well what you were saying; it looks like you are one of these people who like to make sweeping generalizations about entire genders, and you think that making an incorrect one about women is mitigated by making an equally incorrect one about men. Women don’t all suck, and neither do all men; I’m not sure what you wanted to accomplish by posting something like that.
[/QUOTE]
To be charitable, I think he was speaking directly to the nasty spiteful part of us that arrives when we have been desperately hurt. The kind of thing that guys say to other guys, but don’t really mean. It sounds mean and unpleasant, because it is, but it’s just a comfort thing. I don’t think that way myself, but I kinda understand where bubba is coming from. Doesn’t make it any less insulting, mind you.

71

[QUOTE=featherlou]
I think I understood pretty well what you were saying; it looks like you are one of these people who like to make sweeping generalizations about entire genders, and you think that making an incorrect one about women is mitigated by making an equally incorrect one about men. Women don’t all suck, and neither do all men; I’m not sure what you wanted to accomplish by posting something like that.
[/QUOTE]

Featherlou, you are reading a lot into something that basically had little to no meaning and wasn’t meant to offend. Its one of those post breakup things, sit around with your friends and make sweeping generalizations and complain about the opposite gender, its therapy, and I’m sure everyone here has done it.
Then your heart heals, your brain starts to resemble something solid again, and you jump back in the game, because as you know, all women don’t suck.

72

[QUOTE=jjimm]
To be charitable, I think he was speaking directly to the nasty spiteful part of us that arrives when we have been desperately hurt. The kind of thing that guys say to other guys, but don’t really mean. It sounds mean and unpleasant, because it is, but it’s just a comfort thing.
[/QUOTE]

Truly. Someone’s heart is breaking, and he’s trying to blow off some steam. That may not be the most compassionate time to bring down political correctness on his head.

73

Thought I had found my SoulMate in college. I went home for the summer, she went back to Georgia to go to summer school. On my 20th birthday, I got The Letter from her letting me know she had transferred to go to Vetinary School.

I spent the next 4 years getting over it, which worked out well in the end, as I have a lovely wife and 3 kids now. But, you need to grieve. Something precious to you has died, and it’s natural to want to mourn that loss. So, let it out. Reach out to your support - friends, parents, siblings, therapist, whoever. Then, after a while, you’ll look up and realize you’ve moved on, and while you’ll be wistful (I still am, occasionally, even 25 years later), you’ll also realize it wasn’t the end of the world, as it seems right now.

74

A hooker farted on me and tried to stick a finger in my ass, then offered to buy me a Coke. I bought drinks for three people I had never seen before and one good friend I hadn’t seen in three years. A deranged man barked at me like a dog. Life has gotten very, very strange. I share this for two reasons: one, the past thirty-six hours have left me bewildered, and two, I’m beginning to realize that there is a lot more to the world than I ever realized.

I defined myself in terms of Brandy for the sake of comfort and at the expense of knowing who I truly am. Now I need to figure that out, and maybe I’m just not in a rational state, but I’m starting to think that that may just be a lot of fun eventually. An idea of where I might land is beginning to formulate in my mind. I’ll be damned, the world’s not ending after all.

75

[QUOTE=Soul]
I defined myself in terms of Brandy for the sake of comfort and at the expense of knowing who I truly am. Now I need to figure that out, and maybe I’m just not in a rational state, but I’m starting to think that that may just be a lot of fun eventually. An idea of where I might land is beginning to formulate in my mind. I’ll be damned, the world’s not ending after all.
[/QUOTE]

Good for you, dude. I remember one day when I was pondering how truly unhappy I was in my first major relationship. I thought “what the fuck am I going to do without him?” That was why I stayed. Not because I loved him so much as my life was “me and him.”

Not too long after that, we finally split for good. I revisited that moment and realized that was a horrible attitude to have. I spent the next few years completely fighting my way out of that “what am I supposed to do without him?” attitude and really found out some cool stuff about myself and the world.

Keep having weird surreal nights. It’s not about replacing Brandy right now it’s about finding Soul.

76

[QUOTE=tdn]
Truly. Someone’s heart is breaking, and he’s trying to blow off some steam. That may not be the most compassionate time to bring down political correctness on his head.
[/QUOTE]

Okay, fair enough. I still don’t like sweeping gender generalizations, though. :slight_smile:

77

[QUOTE=featherlou]
Okay, fair enough. I still don’t like sweeping gender generalizations, though. :slight_smile:
[/QUOTE]

Featherlou, thanx for getting it, I really do like woman, they are soft, cuddly, fun, tasty and just fun to be around(that sounds sexual but its really not, except for the tasty part), as long as they aren’t the ONE that makes me say, well you know, even then that is the one that I want to be around the most. Such is life.

Soul,

How much did you have to pay the hooker to fart on you? and was it worth it??? Was there taco bell involved, or did it smell more like chicken wings and beer? Did it leave a stain on your jeans? I think more info is needed.

I’m sure you went out to have fun and just “happened” upon something fun. Thats good. You need that.

However, if I had to guess from my previous experiences, it takes a lot of liquor to even get near a hooker never mind let one fart on you, or get their fake fingernails up your ass.

I’m not going to be the one to say don’t go on a good bender, but don’t make any life changing decisions while on that bender.

Also don’t do anything really stupid, buying people drinks that you don’t know, thats just being friendly. People barking at you, your in the wrong neighborhood, or already in the psych hospital.

The world goes on, just rationalize your decisions, don’t get yourself in trouble or do something stupid, but make sure you have fun, because there really is a whole other world out there.

78

I didn’t pay her, she just happened to be wandering through one of the usually hooker un-inhabited parts of town (I say hooker, she was likely just a very intoxicated young lady of strange morals). And the barking man was one of the guys I’m staying with (I scared him when he came in, still unsure how that leads to barking). The thing about it all was that I went to some of my old hangouts and strange things happened, like a whole world existed just outside of what I already knew, waiting to be seen.

In the interest of full disclosure: I was sitting at one of my old favorite bars (283 in Athens for anyone stalking me), a drunk girl came up and asked…something sexual, it was very slurred, I looked at her strangely, she sprang an ass-leak, then offered to go spelunking. For the record, I’m too shy to even know how to solicit a prostitute :slight_smile:

79

[QUOTE=Soul]
<snip>
In the interest of full disclosure: I was sitting at one of my old favorite bars (283 in Athens for anyone stalking me)<snip>
[/QUOTE]

Well, it’s no fun if you make it THAT easy!

80

I’ve been going through this myself recently. The relationship didn’t last really long and wasn’t my longest, but we had so much in common and nothing seemed to slow down our progress. I thought from the time we drove to South Dakota that she was the one for me. I didn’t have an unhappy moment with her until just before we split up. I was so depressed afterward. She had to come by and check on me one day because she thought I might be feeling suicidal. (I wasn’t, though I didn’t care much if I died.) I started using clonazopam to help me sleep, but soon decided to throw them away before my use progressed. (Benzos are not fun drugs to become addicted to.) I begged her to try to work it out, but she wouldn’t. I was putting more blaim on myself than I deserved.

After a while, I decided to just try to be friends with her like she wanted. I’d done that before with other exes. Things didn’t get much better. Every time I talked to her, I kept hoping I could get back with her. I’d end up laying in bed at night full of thoughts. When I finally did go to sleep, I was tormented by dreams.

Then, I got to go spend a week in Chicago. While there, I felt like I was 1,000 miles away from my problems and it gave me time to reflect. I realized that I suffered the most when I talked to her. So shortly after coming home, I told her this and told her I wasn’t going to try to be her friend anymore. She had decided to end our relationship without so much as trying to discuss the issues she had. (She talked about it after we broke up and most of it was just miscommunication.) So I decided, for my own sake, that I wouldn’t talk to her anymore. That night was the last night I dreamt about her, and everything has been better since, even though I do have my bad days.

Maybe the two of us will eventually be able to be friends. Maybe we’ll just drift further apart. I don’t really care anymore. I’ll always carry my memories. And while I’m not ready for another serious relationship, I am ready to go mingle. I’ll always love her, but now I know I can’t just sit around and wait for her to change her mind. Things get better. They will for you too.