I think that the generic advice “get a hobby” is pretty sound. If that hobby includes other people, all the better.
Hey Soul
Sorry to hear the news, sorry life sucketh for you. This thread is filled with some really great advice, dopers are amazing.
I came in to remind you that your current experience, the ache, the pain, the fear, the want- ties you to every other person on this earth. No one gets through life without this experience, no one. You could not be less alone.
Look around, they all survived it. Days went by, it got a little easier, they found a way to move forward. So will you.
Please do not retreat within, healing comes from keeping an open heart, not closing yourself off.
Teaching English abroad is a great experience for someone your age, very character building. As a reaction to a breakup, not such a great idea. That sort of adventure requires a little of the right kind of motivation to succeed. Please think this idea over. Perhaps a holiday in Asia instead of going to work, would be more what’s called for, if you have available funds.
I wish you luck!
I am sorry to hear your news. I wish I had some magic words that would make the pain less, but there are none. But know that you are in my thoughts. Good luck!
Another suggestion. I think it has been established that you need to wallow a bit. But at the same time, let your loved ones help you. In the year between my separation and the divorce being final, my three brothers and parents made it a point to offer up a diversion on the weekends I didn’t have my kids. It might have been a bottle of wine in the back yard, dinner out, dinner in, whatever. Let them do that for you. It was such a relief for me to get my mind off of my misery. We never discussed my ex or anything negative. It was refreshing to walk into the house with just a teensy bit more perspective after having a break from dwelling on things and being sad.
Hey Soul, just coming in to add to the well wishes. I was your age when the big breakup happened too, and it’s like the Death Star just totally fucking annihilated my life.
A couple of things:
The past five years were not a waste. As others have said, you’ve learned a lot about yourself as well as relationships. The stuff I learned from my relationship as well as its end led me to my next serious girlfriend, and I’ve been happily married to that woman for over ten years. Finding and marrying a woman like Mrs. Fresh pretty much erases a whole truckload of regret. So it’s worth a shot. That said, you probably don’t want to date for a while. Just get through this shit first.
I’m going to buck the advice given in this thread and happily recommend teaching English abroad. Yes, your problems are going to follow you wherever you go, but that said, a change of location–especially to a faraway exotic land–gives you a whole new perspective on those problems. All the huge issues in your life seem a little bit smaller and easier to see around when you’re viewing them from another continent.
One thing, btw. If you’re going to go to Asia (and if you’re going to be going far away to teach English I would recommend Asia), you do run the risk of social isolation as someone said. In order to stave that off, I would recommend learning the language of your host country. I can’t speak for China or Japan, but if you’re an American in Korea and you speak even a smattering of Korean, you will not be allowed to become socially isolated. Koreans are naturally curious, and they will follow you around and invite you to lunch and stuff just to find out more about you. When I was stationed in Korea, I actually managed to teach myself a bit of the language. I’d go to Seoul and buy a Korean newspaper just to pass the time in peace and quiet. This would last until a group of college kids or senior citizens noticed me reading something in Korean, and poof, quiet time would be over for the next two hours or so. The cool thing about Korean is that the alphabet is super easy to learn, and then it’s just a matter of buying textbooks. I’d have to say that Korea presented its share of problems to this miguk saram, but involuntary isolation was not one of them.
Good luck, man. Don’t be afraid to feel bad. It’s rough, but the bad times pass.
Soul, I was 24 when I lost my first love. I spent many years not letting women get close to me so I wouldn’t get hurt again… I regret that at 46. I hope you won’t waste as much time as I did.
Thank you all again for your continued support. It really does mean more to me than I can say, and that includes the emails and PM’s.
I have not done anything stupid or otherwise dropped off of the earth, but I am sofa-surfing with friends for a few days so I will be less able to check in here. Brandy and I are going to try to remain friends, but we are going to cut off contact for a little while to “detox.” Our puppy is okay. I am going to go play golf today for the first time in a year!
Good for you! Have a GREAT time!!
Some people find they can remain friends with exes, some can’t (I’m in the “can’t” camp - over is over for me). Do what’s right for you - if seeing her on a friends basis isn’t working for you, don’t agonize for a second over not being friends with her any longer.
In my experience, limited as it is, I don’t think remaining friends is something you “try” to do. It either happens or it doesn’t. I can barely look at my ex-husband, can only stand communicating by e-mail. So, definitely not friends.
However, in a subsequent relationship, I ended it after six months for reasons that had nothing to do with B. After a more recent relationship ended, I was feeling down and called B, because he is a straight shooter and can always make me laugh, and I enjoyed that. We now have what I consider a wonderful friendship. It just happened.
I am glad Soul is doing what he is doing - couch surfing at friends’ homes, and golfing. Way to go!
From bitter grizzled experience I can tell you exactly how this will go down. (non sugar coated version)
Phase 1 “The Abyss” Immediately after breakup (AB)
For the first few weeks you’ll think about her every waking second of the day. You’ll consider things such as jumping in front of a bus or becoming a monk in Tibet. You’ll spend your evenings sitting on a couch staring into midspace. You’ll have zero motivation to eat, get out of bed, or live. 5 years of routine just flew out the window, and can’t imagine life any other way. You are in complete mental shock. Remember those 5 years of bliss? You just got the bill. Everything good in life comes at a cost.
Phase 2 “Drowning” (2 months AB)
After a while, due to mental fatigue and denial, you’ll trick yourself into only thinking about her every other second. The weeks of communication silence have slowly begun to reinforce that the relationship is over. (Up until now you’ve been hoping she’d realize the gaping void in her life, and would come back). The phase will culminate one night with the stabbing epiphany that it’s really really over. For real, it’s over. NO REALLY IT’S OVER. OMG IT’S OVER.
This is the toughest stage in my opinion
Phase 3 “Mental landmines” (3-4 months AB)
Entering this phase, the thought iterations will begin to lengthen. At this point she’ll briefly pop into your head about once an hour. You’ll be wondering what she’s doing at the moment, and who she’s with. You’ll stumble upon an old picture, you’ll walk by her favorite cafe, or you’ll hear “your song”. These instances will occur randomly for the next few months. When one happens, the rest of your day will be ruined, there’s no avoiding that.
God forbid she emails or calls to check up or “see how you’re doing”. (if so, do not collect $200, proceed directly back to phase 2) It’s important that she know NOT to contact you. Do yourself a favor and make that clear to her.
Phase 4 “The Dawn of Hope” 4 to 5 months AB
By now (out of sheer necessity) you’ve slowly gotten acclimated to a new life without her. It still feels a bit strange, but life isn’t as bad as you projected a few months ago. Remember, you were “going to feel that gaping void FOREVAH!”. Yet, here you are, still breathing, and surviving the death blow the cosmos just attempted to throw at you.
What’s that?
A few positive thoughts just crept into your head? Are you actually considering that there are 3 billion other women on the planet, and there might be another one for you out there? By now, you’ll also become aware that you haven’t thought about “her” all day. Pat yourself on the back bro, you’re getting out of the woods.
Phase 5 “Cosmic Reset” 6-7 months AB
One day when you have the opportunity to go do something you wouldn’t normally do, DO IT. Hula lessons, speed skating, basket weaving, moonwalking competition, whatever. It is there that you will meet an amazing new person that you thought could never possibly exist. She will feel the same way about you. This is just how life works. Take what you’ve learned from the last relationship, and apply it to this new one. Enjoy a whole new series of “firsts” with your new girlfriend, and see the world in a new way. Profit?
Good luck, you’ve got our backs.
My Grandfather: “There’s as good a fish in the sea as that which has ever been caught.”
My Father: “Son, there’s always another bus”
Me: “f*** that chick” 
And you’ve got to think carefully before attempting to remain friends with her. Because she was the one doing the breaking up (and because women can get a date easier than a guy) she’ll most likely move on before you do. And if there are still any lingering feelings, then seeing her with another guy is going to completely undo any of the progress that you’ll have made towards getting over her.
Of course, that’s just speculation on my part.
Shit, where have you been?
. . . and, by the way, what World Eater said was pretty accurate, except I’d add to phase 1 that you’ll frequently dream about her and/or wake up thinking the breakup was a dream. This suuuuuuuucks.
You’re right about the first reason, but totally wrong about the second one. It may be easier for a woman to move on, but if you break up with her she’ll be a mess for at least as long as you would if the roles were reversed. Probably longer.
World Eater, that was pretty good, and pretty accurate.
Soul, I’m going through the third and hopefully final roller coaster ride in 6 months with somebody I still care a lot about, weird situation(her son rapes children[convicted], and I have a problem with that), but knowing that it is just flat out over is much easier than going back again, and again.
You say you are 22? So this is your high school sweety, thats always the toughest, but, as I learned when I lost my high school sweety after 6 years, you grow apart, you are different she is different, you have both changed a lot, its a tough time, neither one of you knows/knew who/what you are/were. Of course it took me a long time afterwards to realize this, even though I knew it at the time and refused to accept it.
Here are a few words of wisdom. All women suck, you just have to find one that doesn’t suck too bad, or at least has issues that you can deal with, I’m sure women feel the same way about us, or at least you because I’m a saint :rolleyes:
When I lost my high school sweety, I was 22, don’t make the same mistakes I did. I holed up for almost a year, I was one miserable bastard. If I had to do it over again, I would have realized that I passed up some very good opportunities in that year. Its good that you are hanging out with friends, that always helps, unless they are jerks and tell you to just go get a hooker and shut up.
Give yourself some time to sort your brain out, I personally can’t jump from one right to the other, I need some time to make sure I still like “me”, and am happy with “me”.
SHE will always be in your head, she’ll be there 'til you die. Be pissed at her and call her “that bitch” for a while, but realize you had good times. Concentrate on learning from the experience, what you could have done better, what you did wrong(don’t feel guilty about it). Don’t fester on what she did wrong, that will just eat you up. Call it a practice relationship, heck, you’re only 22, you have years and years of practice relationships ahead of you.
Take a serious look at the positives in your life, parents, friends, job, school, whatever, focus on that for a bit. Get a hobby, go have some fun, do something you wouldn’t have done before. Bake a cake with your mom, my mom always helps me feel better.
And my biggest mistake of all, when you reach that point of another woman, and you will. Don’t jump in head first and blind hoping for the same thing you had, take it slow. If she is a good one, she’ll understand and will probably want to do the same.
Soul, good luck, keep your head up, and go have some fun, you need it.
You’re already taking one piece of advice I was going to give you. The years between 17 and 22 are never a waste. Think back to who you were at 17 and who you are now and all you’ve learned. If you’re any kind of a remotely competent human, I’m sure you’ve learned at least a few things, including how to live with a person.
Now you get to learn how to live without a person. That’s a good thing, even though it hurts like hell right now. Work out who you are and what you like to do. Enjoy being who you are on your own terms, not on someone else’s. It’s the middle of summer. I don’t know where you live, but where I live there are all sorts of interesting things going on over the weekend. Do something you’ve never done before or go somewhere you’ve never been before. If it’s something you’ve always wanted to do or go but never had the chance to, even better. I know you don’t want to, but trust me, it helps, and you’ve got buddies to go with you and cheer you on.
You’re not wasting our time moaning here. We’ve gone through what you’re going through. Speaking as someone who did try escaping to Japan in a way, it didn’t work. Escaping to Hawaii only worked as well as it did because I had a job waiting for me there. The problem with leaving town to escape is your troubles come with you. You’ll still think of her every day, only there will be fewer girls around to distract you from her. Stay in America, take the dog for walks in new places, and talk to the girls who come up to talk to the dog. If you think you and the dog would enjoy it, why not check out agility training? It would be a way to meet people and there are a lot of women out there, including me, who love dogs and who have been known to talk to them and the guys walking them.
Don’t spend the whole weekend mourning. Do mourn. You need to do it, but 20 years from now she’ll be a happy memory. This weekend, go out, enjoy being young and single (I know. What’s “enjoy”?) and do something different, preferably something she wouldn’t enjoy.
This will pass and this wound will heal. It’s like any other wound, though. You have to let it heal, instead of letting it fester. Clean it out and cry or swear while it stings, put a bandage on it, and let it heal. You’ll be fine. Trust us. We’ve been there.
Ugh, yes. To quote Hatebreed, “I wake up, and the nightmare begins!”
[sub]Been laying low Cisco. I almost cracked up myself, but I think I’m in the clear. Good to see you buddy[/sub]
Can we not do this?
I thought of one more piece of advice, Soul - don’t wait to do things until you’re feeling better. You get to feeling better BY doing things. This actually applies to almost all negative moods.
This is great advice, and I’d extend it even further.
She didn’t like the way you folded the towels? Good, fold them the way you like. Extra points if it would have pissed her off. She didn’t like how you squeezed the toothpaste tube from the middle? Squeeze away. She didn’t let you throw your dirty socks on the floor? Make a freakin’ carpet out of them.
Assert your way of life.