Why are high-altitude balloons so tall?
Because if they were so wide, they’d be mistaken for flying saucers.
Why are high-altitude balloons so tall?
Look up the definition of “high-altitude” why don’t you?
God, this thread is a godsend.
Vent here It was therapeutic for me. Go in peace.
**What jobs requite tons of international travel? ** Air Hostess, duh!
**What is involved in becoming a large jet pilot ** Learn to fly, and eat lots of McDonalds
How do braces work? They clip onto your trousers, and hang over your sholders, thus keeping your trousers from falling down.
What low fat substitutes are there for cooking oils Baking, Steaming, Broiling.
**Computer Won’t Start (Major Problem) ** “You did remember to plug the computer in? Thought so. Yes plugging it into the mains will help.” (darn this tech support job.)
What is dangerous about a high sodium diet?
umm–the sodium
Is there any legitimate use for weenie-teenie Ziplocks?
zut
Yes, they are great for storing teenie weenies.
got a wart frozen yesterday. Now what happens?
Stinkpalm
mmmm–wartscicles
How can I get the junk faxers to stop?
ggurl
Unplugging the FAX machine always works for me
How much did it cost (in 2004 dollars) to purchase a slave in the antebellum south?
astro
The slavemaster’s immortal soul
do popes ever resign?
yes, but not as much since free agency (I don’t get it either)
is it possible to share the same dream?
MLK was specific when he said “I” have a dream. The rest of us were just extras
How massive is organized information? (entropy…)
When “massive” and “entropy” are used together my mother inlaws ass comes to mind. (give me a minute)
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Evian- how is it shipped?
er, by…ship?
What is involved in becoming a large jet pilot?
Squeezing through those little doorways to the cockpit.
I drink a bottle of wine with dinner every night.
That is why your question isn’t asked in question form. In fact, you started out on a phone-chat line and have no idea how you got here at all. Drink another bottle pal.
What low fat substitutes are there for cooking oils Wesley Clark
If you don’t like Pam, I suggest Slick 50 Motor Oil – It’s so low in fat they don’t even have to put Nutritional Facts on their packaging
Got Milk? TheLoadedDog
Sorry, no mammary glands in this chest
TLD’s 747 Bus Service (Signal Driver) TheLoadedDog
Not to be confused with the Bristol VRT3/LL Air Service (Pilot) thread
CPU fan airflow direction? Rabbit
In the Northern Hemisphere: The fan sucks in. In the Southern Hemisphere: The fan blows out
Birth control and antibiotics ShadiRoxan
Vancomycin is still the most effective way of preventing bacteria from multiplying
Has anyone ever been able to trace their ancestry to Ancient Greece? Jarbabyj
Muhammed Ali is alleged to be a direct descendant of Alexander the Great
**Does Kelsey Grammar no about drunkedness? **Tdn
I don’t no if he “Just Says Know”
Car commercial - Driving up the ramp of a moving truck like Knight Rider World Eater
I haven’t seen it – Perhaps it’s an ad for a kit car
What was WWI called before WWII? Liberal
The War of the World – Modified & copyrighted 20 years later by H G Wells
Help! Lost wallet, and SSN Beelzebubba
This wouldn’t have been a big deal if you had the American Express© Social Security Card
OK Doper, Identify This Animal! ( 1 2 ) Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor
The thread title says ‘Doper’ – Why in the hell are there 2 pages of responses
Washing a car - soap? Eonwe
In my experience, it works better than soup
Why does my car get better mileage when fully laden? Mangetout
Perhaps your doing all your city driving alone and highway driving with the family and luggage
Best way to sell gold coins Ravenman
Why not set up a souvenir stand in front of Fort Knox
Moscovites don’t get hot water from water heaters? Astro
I’ve heard a lot prefer chilled Vodka
How hot should I set my hot water heater? Mahaloth
110º F in the USA. 10º C in the Russian Republic
Evian - How is it shipped? Kel Varnsen - Latex Division
You’d have to be either naïve or all wet to not know it’s shipped in bottles
Need some ideas for an MSc thesis subject Dog80
Was Java a language, a coffee or an island first
What’s this button in my car for? DoperChic
The Bond 007 Ejector seat
Most/fewest ex-presidents Mcbiggins
Fewest: Republic of Cuba with 0
Coke and “original formula” Reeder
The original formula wasn’t cut with sugar, corn starch, vitamin c, baby milk or talcum powder
Is it possible for a Human to be non-sexual? Teelo
When I asked Sister Mary the same question in parochial school, she cracked me upside my head with a yardstick
What’s going on with these huge cigarette manuf lawsuit judgements Astro
To take the heat off local overzealous Police Departments with taser guns
Man gets tasered, falls and cracks skull on sidewalk and dies. Can police be sued? Astro
Sure. And if he’s smoking a cigarette, it’s a double windfall
Is pork actually a white meat? Alanak
Yo dude, it’s still pink inside
Illegal to build a nuclear bomb? Mister V
I checked with the B A T F and the regulations are unclear. Detonating it would definitely constitute a felony
Activating a motion sensor light. Help. I don’t have the instructions. Enipla
Perhaps you could flail your arms and jump up and down in front of it
**Has anyone ever been able to trace their ancestry to Ancient Greece? **
It is believed certain Ancient Greeks could do that; these reports are unconfirmed.
**OK Doper, Identify This Animal! **
That… is an ex-parrot. It has ceased to be.
**Does Kelsey Grammar no about drunkedness? **
Yes, and it seems he’s not the only one. :dubious:
**Washing a car - soap? **
Lever 2000 - for all your car’s 2000 parts.
**Help! My Car’s Ceiling Is Caving In **
Activate your signal-watch, Superman will find you right away. Incidentally, how do you post from your car?
**Where can I buy a Dvorak keyboard? **
At the Dvollar Store.
**Got Milk? **
Yup. Where’s the Beef?
**Is pork actually a white meat? **
It’s actually green, but the government doesn’t want you to know that. See if you can dig up information on the Geisel project. That’s all I can say.
**Moscovites don’t get hot water from water heaters? **
[Yakov]In Soviet Russia, potatoes boil you![/Yakov]
Quick answers to thread titles
Where in the world have Dopers been?
- Why, we’ve all been right here, posting to this message board. Where have YOU been?
Why don’t the black guys ever make it?
- You mean, with each other?
25% of 18-34 year olds live at home!
- This just in: 100% of homeowners live at home
Do you think a normal guy would ever wear women’s undies?
- Do I seem normal to you?
Eating boogers – cannibalism?
- Asking ludicrous questions – mania?
Has A Millionaire Ever Used His Wealth To Induce People Into Humiliating Themselves?
Dunno – by any chance is a millionaire paying you to post?
SCOTUS Pledge ruling: did the justices dodge the question?
drewbert
What do you expect with only one Ford appointee on the bench?
Pies in the face
Da Cissy Pimp
Custard pie in the face is referred to as slapstick. Hair pie in the face is called cunnilingus
What can I do to my DVD to make my DVD player play it?
smootman
Take it to Hong Kong and exchange it for a ‘regional 7’ machine
What do dreams mean?
GuanoLad
I’ll cut you a deal: You tell me what this stupid question means & I’ll interpret your dreams for you
Is there an easy way to tell if ground coffee is decaf or not?
Revtim
Drink 20 cups. If you can’t sleep, it’s regular coffee. If you wet the bed, it’s decaf
What was government cheese?
astro
The crud that was found under FDR’s foreskin
Amish at the DMV? Amish and photography.
Welfy
Lucky for them, Pennsylvania law does not require a photo license for the operation of a horse and buggy
Anyone familiar with KALARIPPAYAT (Indian Martial Art)?
Chairman Pow
No, I thought it was the name of a mongoose from a children’s book
Why do Germans sometimes pronounce “V” as “W”?
Aeschines
Vat kind of a vorthless qvestion ees dees dumkopf?
Bush on gun control
Priceguy
Non-factually speaking: 40 & 42 – No. Barbara and Laura – Yes…if I had to guess.
Does this sound suspicious to you?
saluki_fan
No. But from the title, it doesn’t sound like a question with a factual answer either
Is it possible to make someone invisible to the naked eye?
Arturius
Sure. Just pour lye into the naked eyes of the person you don’t want to see you
Does the restaurant actually NEED the credit card slip signed to charge you?
Chastain86
*Put yourself in their place. Would you want your server to ask you, “Do you really NEED that fettucini alfredo and cheesecake, lardass?” *
German Chocolate Cake
Phase42
It’s made vit flover, vauder, milk, eggs und cocoa
Delayed death from gunshot wounds
Da Cissy Pimp
The first two that come to mind are Grandpere Sauniere and Zed…who by now is definitely dead, baby
What Language is This?
HeyHomie
It reads exactly like English to me
Which metals are “heavy”?
Da Cissy Pimp
Those chrome plated steel barbells at the gym are…I’m still trying to figure out why the ones with larger numbers are heavier
A time-travel question
Da Cissy Pimp
Too bad. If you got here five minutes ago, you would’ve heard my answer
Why is Communist economics flawed? ( 1 2 )
Priceguy
Go to North Korea and ask. Just wait until they’re done chewing & swallowing the grass in their mouth.
"Bottle-neck" in human population 70,00 years ago
richardb
It makes sense. I wouldn’t imagine too many people were in a copulating mood during the Great Depression
Is there a free equivalent to Windows Washer available?
Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor
I certainly hope so. Ilord knows I wouldn’t want to spend $20 to keep my $900 machine running smoothly
The Great Lawn Seeding Conundrum. I’ve reached an impass.
Phlosphr
It’s no mystery. If you wait a few hours before ejaculating on your grass, you’ll have better results
Killing flies by clapping hands
Dog80
Squish flies. Crush flies. Squish flies, crush flies – The Clapper
People Who Are Obsessively Devoted To Fantasy- What Mental Disorder Do They Have?
Surreal
That was a boring question until I saw your screen name
Did Tesla Rock Manhattan, Literally?
Jinx
Dunno. But I’m glad your back. For a minute there I thought you’d changed your name to Da Cissy Pimp
How To Make My Voice Sound Deeper or Sexier
Take up smoking. The wheeze is especially attractive.
Did Goering say this?
As a German, obviously, he would speak English with a heavy accent. So more likely, he said ‘Zis’.
**Are you supposed to stand for any song other than the National Anthem? **
Yes. ‘Stand up, stand up, stand up for your rights.’ Also that ‘Stand’ song.
**What is the Spanish word for “cow brains?” **
Burrito. Don’t ask.
**Does each phone number have a unique tone? **
Yes. For the record, mine is ‘sarcastic.’
**When did the Germanic and Celtic tribes of Europe disappear? **
Well, for the Celtic tribes, they became disillusioned when L.A. replaced Boston as the chief dynasty-makers of the NBA.
**Why does the president get to decide scientific policy? **
It’s a little-known fact that ‘W’ ( or ‘The Doctor’ as they used to call him back at MIT) has a genius-level IQ, almost off the charts, and has been doing research for the past twenty years, even missing some National Guard duties in his quest for ultimate knowledge. Insider sources inform me that the Scientist-in-Chief is currently working on new “Safety Pretzel” technology.
**What cancelled concerts have you not gone to? **
All of them.
**Star Trek question: How did the Borg Collective get started? **
It was a pyramid scheme. One guy assimilates two friends, and they assimilate two friends… and so on and so on…
Anyone want to see some more Bullet Reviews?
How does the newest .357 ammunition compare to similarly priced .44 ammunition?
**Who/What are the Borgs? **
Bjorn… and Bjorn, I guess. Ja, you’ll become vun mit de Borgs, you betcha.
**How about a US Open thread? **
Well, it’d be easier to post to than a Closed one.
**What’s up with the Beast of Gevaudan? **
Oh, not much these days. He finished up college, got a film degree. He currently works under the pseudonym of Michael Moore.
Is salmon dangerous?
Only Ella.
**How Do You Pronounce ‘Siobhan’? **
Drunkenly.
**Why not pump your own gas? **
That’s a very personal question and I’ll thank you to stay out of my affairs.
**I got pink eye! How do I get rid of it? **
Did you get it from Scott Baio?
**Why does smoking marijuana cause paranoia? **
Well, you’re indulging in an illegal activity that emits a strong odor and a smoke signal. You figure it out.
**How do I get grant? **
Elizabeth Hurley would know more about the subject.
**Tell me like I’m 4: How do I burn a Music CD? **
Well, first take the CD - whichever one Mommy and Daddy keep in the player, because that’s the best one… and through it in the fire. Whee! Sparks!
What is the difference between the Police and the Sherrif?
Well, I shot the Sheriff. But I did not shoot the Police, who happen to be Sting’s backup band.
Differences between scouting, recruiting and headhunting?
Askia
The 1st is done by children, the 2nd by sergeants & the 3rd by glorified telemarketers
Diet: Where does lost weight go?
Klsdad
It hides out in your toes, waiting to make a triumphant return after the Atkins effect wears off.
How does one pronounce “Methuen”, as in the publishing house in the UK?
BwanaBob
Baron any regional accents, it’s pronounced “Nair New Hampshire”
Age difference in relationships: rule of thumb?
Brianmelendez
Whether she’s 20 or 80, she’ll always prefer your tongue over your digits…even the fat one
Women competing with men
The Controvert
Paging msmith. Paging msmith. There’s a call for you on extension 537.
Modern cryptographic methods
Mathochist
i956y8i50y9u0gh9uty978t0qtuapf90456wfnor8u-0349583jnmvodhj9e8tuy*
What’s the difference between a rifle (or gun) and a cannon?
Whack-a-Mole
In the year 2000, there were 600 less self-inflicted cannon deaths
Pirate Questions
dolphinboy
Arrrrrrrgh…Shiver me timbers! Will the Bucks end up in the basement this year? Can Kip Wells win 10 games this season?
Getting better photos from a digital camera
Carnac the Magnificent!
Step 1) Remove the camera from the case. Step 2) Keep your fingers away from the lens. Step 3) Point & shoot.
Lance Armstrong’s bike weighs less than a horseshoe. What?!
aerodave
- Lance Armstrong’s bike weighs less than a horseshoe*
**For Non-Americans: "Would you like peas, squash, or ____? **
StarvingButStrong
I’ll take the blowjob behind curtain #3.
Video/Audio taping without consent
Plynck
You may wanna try selling them to Seymour Butts
Why does Bugs Bunny wear gloves?
the nettle
You ever tried lighting a stick of dynamite with mittens on?
Can a person get high off catnip?
nowayman
Only if they smoke it in a banana peel
Are Tesla coils good for anything?
Muad’Dib
They sound an awful lot better than ‘Into the Now’ does
Can you boil slowly to death without feeling it?
Anaamika
You’re obviously not a regular reader of the GQ forum, are you?
"Wardrobe malfunction" phrase EVER used before Super Bowl?
SmackFu
Contrary to gossip about Tommy Lee’s temper, it’s listed as the cause of Pamela Anderson’s black eye on several medical reports.
Why did pre-Marian triarii use spears?
Speaker for the Dead
Because (no matter what their differences) rifles, guns or cannons weren’t available
(Whatever) palooza. Origins
Shirley Ujest
It was coined by Tom Carvel after “(Whatever) Cookie-Puss” failed to gain popularity.
Living beyond the speed of light
Suburban_Rythm
Travelling at 185,000 miles per second matter becomes energy. At 184,999 mps, screen names become terribly misspelled.
Stripping Paint off of bannisters.
brujo
2 Words: Sandpaper panties
Taking out old wall-to-wall carpet. Shampoo it first?
MaryEFoo
If homeless advocates had their way, it would become a law
Smelly Urine
jim_marren@yahoo.com
Coming next week to the GQ forum: Stinky Shit
What’s the deadliest plant or tree?
Jojo
The one you fail to move from after the ‘Timber’ warning is given.
What is "American Hair."
alice_in_wonderland
Long, straight, curly, fuzzy, snaggy, shaggy, ratty, matty, oily, greasy, fleecy, shining, gleaming, streaming, flaxen, waxen, knotted, xenophobic, war-mongering, pompous and loud