Attached isn’t the same as in love. I’ve been in a “relationship” that’s basically a friendship that winds up in bed now and again a few times, and it’s always worked out as just that. It’s more likely to wind up messy, probably, but it never has for me, so it is possible.
“Attached” is a condition that occurs for many reasons. In a long-term relationship, it’s that comfort and familiarity. In a relationship that begins based on sex, it means being hormonally fixated on that person as your source of self-manufactured dopamine. Either way, you’re stuck. Stuck is nowhere to be.
But this is all irrelevant considering my friend can barely talk to the guy.
So I’m freak is that what you’re saying? 
Heh, I might be a rarity, but also know that a lot of other guys who worked with her would have killed to be in my position. (She was a babe! :::Wanders off humming Mrs. Robinson::: )
Wouldn’t it be funny if, after all this, he turned out to be gay?
jr8–Funny, our guy friend also suggested that. She doesn’t think so, and we have pretty good gaydar.
She ain’t gonna proposition him, folks. ::SIGH:: but I’m sure she’s not giving up either. Thanks for all your educational insights. If anything does happen, I’ll let you know (she plans to at least find out his age soon).
i wouldnt even let her finish the sentence.
these are the things we dream about
Wow. I think I’ve finally gotten a taste of the gender gap. All the women I’ve talked to (with the exception of Mith) have all expressed severe doubts about propositioning this guy. They don’t seem to think it’d be a sure thing, they seemed worried by the age gap, and they think they’d make an ass out of themselves. Most of the guys say, if he’s single, go for it.
I have begun to admit the possibility that my friend wants more than just sex from this guy now. You know how crushes are. She thinks he’s the bees knees. Whatever.
The other night at work (I work in a Stop-N-Rob™), I got to talking to a gal who was 20 and had a 25 year old step-father. I asked her to repeat that, and she said “Twenty five and my mom’s forty!” My response, “Go mom!”
A couple of days before that, I had a middle aged woman come in, ask me a few questions, and I replied with “Ma’am.” She looked at me and said, “Oh my! There’s no need to be so formal!” I kind of nodded and when I handed her back her change, I said, “And you have a good night, Mrs. Robinson.” She got the biggest shit-eating grin on her face and said, “Oh, no, that’s what I do later on!”
This merely proves a theory of mine I have held for some time: a person should never ask advice about what to do with a man/woman from a member of that same gender. (Gay people excluded, of course.) I have long, long ago stopped asking women for advice on other women. I eventually realized the answers I was getting reflected what those women wanted men to do in their ideal world! Strangely enough, they always wanted the man (i.e. ME) to do whatever it took to make the woman happy at his own expense.
And I think it’s clear that’s how most of the guys in this thread are responding too. If your friend has real interest in this guy, there’s no harm in askiing him out eventually. But propositioning him for sex is a bad idea, no matter what anybody here says.
Lizard: I have come to the same conclusion that you have; propositioning someone is likely to blow up in your face, if you ever expect to see the person again afterwards. I don’t think my friend ever intended to do so. I think she actually would rather date this guy than just sleep with him anyway, and propositioning him is NOT going to lead to dating. Mostly, I was curious if that approach worked. Apparently it does-- so noted.
I think she’s going to try to engage him in conversation as often as possible without being obvious or weird, and then it might come up if he has a girlfriend, etc. Then she could ask him out with a better chance of success. This brings me to another question: would a 23ish year old guy want to DATE a 31 year old woman? When he could date an 18 year old?
As I said before, I was 21 when I met my then 28 year old wife. Yes, I thought she was my age when we met, but I knew waay before I married her. I have various relatives in the same situation. I have a friend with a friend in her 50’s. Her guy is somewhere in his 30’s. It is my observation that it tends to bother the women more than the guys.
I know it can be an issue if the guy is ready to have kids, and the woman is too old, or the woman is ready for kids, and the guy is not. The only other situation I can remember in which the guy balked, was told to me by a fellow airline passenger. The guy suddenly woke up one day and decided that he didn’t want to be married to an “old lady”. There had to be more going on there. (The stewardesses apparantly overheard the converasation, and gave me a bottle of champagne to take home. 
)
SlowMindThinking, I think you’re right, it would bother the woman more. I look at myself, then look at my students (17-18 year olds) and OF COURSE I can’t compete with them in sheer skinny springiness. I suppose an older woman does have her merits (been around the block, knows what she wants, not as needy, not as many games). Depends on the guy I guess.
Frankly, when I was 22, 17-18 year olds did not interest me. Too close to jail bait, and they are more girls than women. You also need to remember that while you are comparing yourself to the best features of those 17-18 year olds, the guy is not as likely to be. (Heck, if we were mostly attracted to 17 year olds, we would never get married.) It is also my observation that men tend to focus on the parts they like, and not so much on the parts they don’t. (It is very difficult for us guys not to look at the parts we like. Purely a selfish gratification thing.)
That is not to say that he is hot to jump her. Just that he is either interested, or he is not. Her age is secondary.
I’d go hysterically blind and pass out.
I am way past mid twenties, I have been taking martial arts for a few years, I am in relatively good shape and I am moderately cute myself.
If a 30 to 40 -ish woman wants to have sweaty meaningless sex with me I would have to say definitely and absolutely not unless we can do it more than a few dozen times.
I think I would be greatly flattered that any woman would find me so attractive as to throw herself at me like that. I would not disgrace such a selfless act by saying no. I would let her down easy after about the first 10 times we made mad monkey love.
As far as the sacred bonds of the student-teacher relationship. Geeze get over it! We’re talking martial arts here. Whats she after, a black belt in Fuk yu? The teacher only shows you the way, what you achieve is what you work for.
She can ying my yang anytime she has a mind to. More power to her.
Just a note: If a hot 30+ year old like, say, the aforementioned Jennifer Lopez asked me out… I would not say yes.
Seriously. Why, you ask?
I’d be a little more interested in the fact that the sky had turned blood red and more aware of the earthquakes and the angels descending from on high to battle demons spewing from the torn earth. I’d be entranced by the volcanos rising up like burning monoliths to improbability. I’d be… well you get the picture.
On a serious note, I wouldn’t. I’ve had sex, and I’ve made love. I truely would not rule a woman out due to age, unless age was severely affecting the physical attraction factor. But sex rather than love? No thanks. I’d rather just not at all. Serious.
Personally, I don’t think that shallow affairs end well, generally. We’re not geared that way (at least, I’m not). Hormonally motivated relationships tend to go up in flames. It’s best to establish some sort of rapport before you plunge into intimacy, mostly b/c sex these days is such a risky activity.
However, the bottom line is not having the nerve even to approach a guy. I think fear of rejection is at the root of it. I am not afraid to make a move once I’m sure it will be well-received. I’m not sure how ANYONE can ask someone out right out of the blue, knowing nearly nothing about him. Seems a recipe for heartbreak in many cases.
I also am skeptical about young men being so indiscriminate. Surely they have criteria and standards too (in spite of any hormones involved).
Guys do it all the time. It has been a long time since I was single, but it seems to me that guys must combine two traits. One is some clue as to what are realistic expectations. I’ve heard beautiful women have trouble getting asked out, because most guys assume the answer is no. The second is not to care too much. If you wait so long that you are truly infatuated, you can be too scared to ask. The “nothing ventured nothing gained” attitude is easier to adopt with a cute chick in a bar, then a close friend.
Eh, responding to the first part, I think there is a real difference between what guys here are saying and what they would do if confronted with this situation IRL. (Or else there’s just a lot of male sluts on the SDMB. I find that hard to believe though.)
The posts about “hot movie stars” earlier are key. I think most guys, when you mention this scenario to them, mentally think of someone (like Jennifer Lopez) who they really would have a fling with. But in the reality we all live in, atttractive people are the MOST selective about their sexual partners (on average) because they can afford to be. Therefore, attractive people tend to hook up with other attractive people. I mean, Lopez isn’t marrying Danny DeVito; she’s marrying Ben Affleck.
As for whether the guy would date her, who knows? Given what i just said, I would say the odds are against it, though it’s not impossible nor unheard of. Even if he was willing though, there is a very real possibility of the Law of Unintended Consequences coming into play. Your 31-year-old friend could start dating this 23-year-old guy only to find, well, he acts like he’s only 23.
But the approach you mentioned, i.e., engaging him in conversation, sounds like the best one possible. I know that’s how guys do it when the situation is reversed.
OK Maybe youre right about J-Lo and Afleck…
What about Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovette…?
…The OP said a moderately cute 30-ish woman. I’m down wit dat!