For the last time, I will NOT have sex with you until your wife leaves the room!

The BBQ Pit
1

Can someone explain to me what the deal is with married men hitting on women while their wives are in the room???

I was at a party this weekend, and we were all a little drunk and hanging out in the hot tub. This married guy, whom I just met that night, and whose wife is sitting not three feet away, starts running his hand up my calf. I didn’t want to make a big thing of it, because his wife was there, but it was highly inappropriate. When he got up to get a drink, I discreetly told my friend (who just got back from her honeymoon, and whose husband was also present!!!) what was going on, and she whispered back, “He’s doing the same thing to me!”

Now, what was this about? I didn’t know what to do! I was raised in the south, where hospitality is sacrosanct and it is a cardinal sin for a woman to Make Someone Feel Bad. Had I said, “Keep your fucking hands to yourself, asshole!” That probably would have caused a scene with his wife and ruined the party, yet we were not close enough for me to discreetly tell him to stop feeling me up. How could I have tactfully communicated that I wanted him to stop, and that I found his actions inappropriate and offensive?

This is not the only time I have encountered this situation, and not just by married men. When I get hit on by guys and it is unwelcome, I have tried various tactics ranging from mentioning my boyfriend or their supposed current romantic interest/girlfriend, telling them to stop complimenting my appearance/personality/dress/whatever, firmly removing their hand from my arm/back/shoulder/ass, and outright telling them that they’re making me uncomfortable. Mostly, guys don’t get it and continue their unwelcome attention. What is wrong with these guys, and why the hell can’t thet get a clue? Do they think I’m playing hard to get, and if they keep it up I’ll drag them to a back room and fuck their brains out? Is their perception of male/female interactions entirely based on porn flicks? Short of using colorful language and being a bitch or busting out my martial arts training and throwing their sorry asses to the ground, what am I supposed to do to repel unwelcome advances and yet retain a modicum of class?

And WHAT is with guys who strike up a conversation with you, and then leave the second they find out you have a boyfriend? Why don’t they just say at the start, “Will you have sex with me? No? Well, in that case, see you around, because I really just wanted to screw like bunnies, and don’t actually care what you have to say or what kind of a person you are. I’m going to go find someone sluttier now.”

And for the record, I am social and vivacious, but NOT A FLIRT. I do not, in any way, lead these assholes on. I try to wear flattering, but not trashy or revealing clothing. I am always very conscious of what is appropriate behavior and what would be crossing the line into flirtation, especially since I have a boyfriend about whom I care very much.

Any advice? I’d like to hear from men and women.

2

When a rather drunken man in a tuxedo tried to strike up a conversation while fondling me in a Halifax nightclub, I asked him to kindly remove his fucking hand from my ass. In just those words. It may have been ‘classless’ but it got the point across very quickly and he left me alone. Noone could say I had led him on or that I was being ambigous in my wishes. I don’t think he was necessarily a bad guy (he wasn’t grabbing me by the gonads or anything) but I was very definately not interested. Now your … acquaintance… must be a helluva jerk to act like that in front of his wife (this is presuming it’s not some sort of fetish they share - but it’s still creepy to use other people to get your jollies without their consent)

If I were you (obviously) I’d say screw the ‘class’ and tell him to keep his hand off your leg. Maybe a few public humiliations would improve the idiot’s behavior. Right now he’s probably thinking that ‘well, she’s not saying anything, she must like it!’ I fear classy behavior is lost on his type.

3

In the old days, you’d just slap the guy.

4

Kick him in the leg. If you wanted something more subtle, I’d say quickly cross your legs so as to trap his hand, do a quick throat clear and shoot an evil glare at him, then release his hand while moving your legs away.

There’s always the surprised, “Hey!” exclamation, followed by the embarrassed declaration that you thought you felt a hand groping your leg, and that it must have been a jet of water.

If that’s not possible, step out after him when he leaves for that drink, and say quietly and mostly innocently, “I didn’t want to embarrass you, but that wasn’t your wife’s leg that you were touching. You should watch where you put your hands.”

I don’t think Miss Manners would require so much politeness though, but not humiliating his wife would be ideal.

5

I don’t understand why you’d want to protect the guy from embarrasment. If some asshole wants to grope a woman at a party then he is the one responsible for any ensuing scene. There is no reason whatsoever to be polite or tactful. My wife would slap that guy in his fucking head and not think twice about it. Guys like this need some strong negative consequences. They should not be allowed any slack at all.

6

Ah, the freedom of being a no-class bitch raised in The Bronx. I’d have no problem saying “Stop touching me, pig.” I suppose a genteel southerner could substitute “please” for “pig”.

7

How would a forceful and vocal rebuff be humiliating to the wife? It would humiliate Mr. Feely-hands maybe, but how would that reflect on his wife? That would imply that the wife was somehow to blame and only an asshole would think that.

8

I see where your problem is. In the thread title, you’ve thoughtfully included the words “until your wife leaves the room.”

See, he must think there’s always a chance …

9

I would have whispered to him that if he touches me again, I’m going to loudly let his wife know what he’s doing. And then follow through if necessary.

10

I don’t think she’s trying to protect the guy from embarrassment. She’s trying to protect the guy’s wife from embarrassment, as well as the host of the party. The wife because she’s attached to the guy and being publicly, though indirectly, snubbed by him, and the host because the host is ultimately responsible for who is attending the party and whether or not all the guests are enjoying themselves.

I think the best thing to do is to immediately leave the hot tub and then discreetly tell the host/your friend/whoever. If the guy follows, then you can call him an asshole-- again, discreetly. Pretty much any situation where this arrises, immediately leaving the vicinity (getting out of the hot tob, crossing the room, whatever) is called for.

11

Now, I’m not saying I’m him, Denise, but if I were him, I’d enjoy the trapped part of it.

12

Well, wives are often embarassed by their mate’s behavior. If my husband pulled a stunt like that and it was publicly announced while I was in the room, I would be horribly embarassed. It would reflect on my bad judgment at having married him, or worse, garner pity from onlookers (i.e. poor, stupid woman–she doesn’t have a clue her husband is a pig!). I grew up with a stepfather who thought nothing of humiliating people in public, and I would burn with shame at being associated with him, and at the thought that people might assume I approved of his actions. I guess what it boils down to is, I have confrontation problems. I am getting a little better about this, but it is hard for me to insult people to their faces or tell them off when their actions are inappropriate. I have told off exactly two people in my life (and I have to admit, it felt good…).

13

**

Err, how well do you have to know someone before you can discretely tell them to stop feeling you up?

**

** :confused:

So when guys don’t get it, they’re jerks and when they do get it, they’re jerks. Wow! And all this time I thought those single guys complaining about how stressful it is to meet women were just a bunch of whinging losers!

14

Oh, and as to the rest of the OP, no need to be so tactful if they persist after being told that you/he is involved. Just say, “Besides the fact that we’re both seeing other people, I am not interested in you in that way. Go away.”

Alternate methods include staring at them in shock with a dropped jaw, and removing their hand from you by pinching it between two fingers and dropping it off as if it were a filthy sock.

15

Beadalin, DantheMan, good advice. I should have left immediately, but I was so shocked and uncomfortable that all I could do was think, “Shit! His hand is on my leg! What do I do??” and not do anything. I guess I need to come up with ways to shoot down men in advance so I have a prepared list I can pull from when confronted with this situation and can’t think of anything original.

I just don’t understand what is going through these guys’ minds. Seriously. What are they thinking? I know marital infidelity is rampant, but it’s one thing to see the statistics and quite another to come across it in person. In my book, if you’re married, you may absotively, posiFUCKINGlutely not fool around.

16

I think the worst thing you can do is act polite about stuff like that. That kind of thing used to happen to me all the time, until I realized that it has nothing to do with me. It’s nothing I should be ashamed of. He’s the one doing the innapropriate touching, not me! So I started being rude about it. I mean really fucking rude about it. “Get you goddam fucking hand OFF my knee right now, pig! And you! Great choice you made here lady!” Ok, so I’m not invited to a lot of parties. Oh well. :slight_smile:

You know, I think it’s almost analagous to a rape or sexual assult, where the man commits the crime, yet the woman feels ashamed. I know, it’s a flawed comparison, but I think it has some relevance here.

Standard Disclamer: I am not equating an unwelcome hand on the knee to rape, I’m just noting some similarities.

17

This is the one I used, waaay back when I was young enough that I was still hit on.

18

TruthSeeker: we were not PHYSICALLY close enough for me to whisper. He was sitting opposite me, and everyone would have heard me if I had said something. As for your last comment, WTF? Are you saying that I should not be insulted to find out that someone I am talking to has no interest in me as a person, and is only trying to get me in bed? That they’re not interested in meeting someone new because they’re a neat person? I met my current boyfriend when I was engaged to someone else. Though there was mutual attraction, I would not consider doing anything inappropriate, and neither would he. He gave no hint that he liked me in any capacity other than as a friend, but, as he told me after we started dating, “I knew you were an amazing person about five minutes after I met you. You weren’t available to date, but I still wanted to be your friend.” Now, I guess you’re saying that he shouldn’t have gotten to know me because we weren’t going to sleep together. If that had been the case, I would have missed out on a wonderful friendship that has now blossomed into something more.

Stephi: you’re right, it is his problem, yet I’m the one feeling guilty about it. I guess I feel embarassed FOR him, even though I know that attitude is really backwards.

19

Yeah, I was trying to think of something that might cause physical pain; that’s hard to do in a hot tub without going for his balls, which would be obvious. If a similar thing was happening under a restaurant table and I could verify it wasn’t my husband touching me, I’d drive the heel of my shoe into his toes. Perhaps she could have managed to quickly cross her legs, risking bumping her leg and his hand out of the water?

I’m not sure what October meant about the “guy leaving the second that he finds out about a boyfriend” thing. If he walked away as she was ending the sentence, that’s rude. If he made a bit of polite conversation and excused himself, that’s fine. Maybe he wasn’t looking for a slut, but a date.

As for not embarrassing the wife, she said she feared breaking up the party with the hubbub that might cause. Diogenes, do you think her saying “Get your hand off my leg, you pig!” in front of his wife would go unnoticed by her? If I’d have felt like making a confrontation, I probably would have slid my hand underwater, grabbed his hand, pulled it out quickly, and said, “You must have lost this, I found it on my leg.” Then I’d have stepped out of the hot tub, changed, and left.

20

Do you happen to know the wife’s view or opinion on this? Are they perhaps swingers? Is there any reason, in other words, for her to be appreciative or at least unbothered by his actions?