Speaking strictly for myself, it’s not a matter of wanting to “go find someone sluttier”. It’s a matter of having more than enough female friends. If I want to date someone and they are taken, I count my losses and move on. YMMV.
And for the record, this is exactly what a lot of guys think.
What about a simple and direct “Excuse me - what are you doing?” delivered in a mildly irritated tone. Accompany with appropriate facial expression. I think it makes the point.
Lord Ashtar, I might have been a little over the top when I wrote the thing about guys leaving when they find out I have a boyfriend, but it is just irritating when I reveal this information, and then the conversation dies as if I’d just said I was infected with the plague, and then they mumble something unintelligible and slink off and start hitting on someone new. I’m not requiring them to stick with me the whole evening or trying to monopolize them or anything, but they should at least make it a little less obvious what they were after. You wanted a date with me, find out I’m unavailable, and move on, fine. I’m flattered. But just remember, I have feelings. There’s no need to be rude about it, or make it blatantly obvious that you were only trying to schlepp me, and now that there’s no chance of that, you don’t even want to be polite and finish the conversation we were having. These are the guys I’m complaining about.
There’s no need to be rude about it, but October, why would you want it to be less obvious what they’re after? If they’re after The One Thing and you’re not, then aren’t you better off knowing that for sure as soon as possible?
Thought bubble What a great fucking party…man those cocktails gave me a hell of a buzz…there are a lot of hot chicks here, all running around in their little bikinis, that one little tart let me put my hand on her tight little thigh, she didn’t say anything so she probably didn’t care…her husband must not be doin’ the job, heh,heh…maybe I’ll try the same thing with this one…ooooh that feels good…still no negative reaction, it must be OK … OOOOH that feels good…man this is one great fucking party!end thought bubble
Remember, men like that are like water. They will keep moving forward until they meet resistance. Once they meet resistance they will search for any little crack they can worm their way through. You NEED to give him some negative consequences for his actions or he will just keep on assuming everything is OK.
Gotcha October. That’s probably just one of the many miscommunications we have between our genders.
At the risk of making a broad (no pun intended) generalization, this is one of those classic things about women. Women talk! You told your friend (amazingly rapidly), she probably told one of her friends, an on and on. It will likely get back to the wife at some point and she will be left to her own interpretation of the event. This is unfortunate because it she may perceive it in a way that is negative for you. At a minimum, she may feel funny around you because she heard about the incident through the rumor mill…weeks later.
There is a lesson in this for us too boys…no matter how good we think a women is at keeping a secret, it is rarely totally safe.
** Fair enough. I assumed since you were being groped that he was in pretty close proximity.
**
Spare me. You use exactly the same “signal” to get rid of someone when they are “hitting” on you and then you’re surprised when some guy actually interprets it as a hint to leave you alone?
Sorry, but this is utterly stupid. Guy A – let’s call him Neanderthal – hits on you heavily, gropes you and ignores your protestations that you’re already involved and not interested. Guy B – let’s call him Snag – makes polite, witty conversation and gracefully excuses himself when he gets a vibe he interprets from you as a lack of interest.
Neanderthal and Snag are both interested in relationships. They are at the party in the hopes of meeting people with which to have relationships. There is absolutely nothing the slightest bit seedy or improper in this. They’re not (at least not Snag) just interested in anonymous sex, they’re interested in a relationship. But you are not. It is perfectly reasonable for them to move on to someone who may be interested in a relationship.
Now I’m sure that you personally would find it quite flattering for some single guy to spend the entire party admiring the unattainable you. But as fascinating as you may be as a person, there’s no reason for a single guy interested in a relationship to waste his time on you. Let me put it another way, If a single guy is actually in the market for a relationship, you’ve got no business getting pissed off because he’s not interested in window shopping.
Yeah, you would have missed out on a wonderful friendship. But that’s life in the big city. Your current boyfriend would have been perfectly correct to move on once he found out you were engaged rather than investing any more time and effort into a relationship with you. He chose not to and played a long shot that paid off. Good for him. But if he had chosen to politely pass over you and invest his time and effort in someone who appeared to be available, it wouldn’t have made him a jerk.
Guys will tell you that when you’re interested in someone, the “F” word is “friend.”
It sounds to me like he may just be what I call a “touchy feely” guy. Many guys tend to be very touchy feely. Basically when talking to any female they put a hand on them somewhere. It doesn’t nessesarily mean that they have more intentions, or even that they know they are doing it. I doubt he even gave what he did any thought. His wife is probably used to it.
shrug
I agree that he is entirely out of line. But, there are enough people out there that are like this that there must be something to it.
I think you would not be out of line by responding harshly, but I also think that it would have ruined the evening. So, the decision on how to handle it depends on many things, but is entirely up to you. I think many of the ideas suggested in this thread are great ones.
Any touchy-feely guys out there that feel like attempting to explain this phenomenon? I doubt it.
At a party? Everybody a little drunk? A lot of people in a hot tub (at the same time)? Everybody under arm’s reach of each other?
Am I the only one who thinks that this situation is not all that innocent as the OP seems to believe it to be?
I don’t think that the married guy was right in jumping straight to the caress phase, maybe a little seductive eye-contact and/or talking should be in order, but cmon, a lot people close together in a hot tub? What did the OP expect? Can you say “naive”?
Truth Seeker–I’d like to apologize for my harsh language. This whole sitation really gets me steamed (obviously), but, as I clarified to Lord Ashtar, I’m not complaining about the polite, witty ones who gracefully excuse themselves when they find out a woman is involved. I’m complaining about the Neanderthals who make it plain that they’re only interested in sex, and leave mid-conversation because there’s no chance of nookie. I seem to have run into a lot of them lately.
And you know, Dan, you’re right–I guess it’s good to know up front what kind of guy I’m dealing with. But it is still mildly irritating to waste time talking to these guys if, say the boyfriend doesn’t come up immediately.
Maybe in Brazil it would have seemed naive, but that’s not necessarily the case everywhere.
I’m not sure the people were close together, for one thing. A hot tub can hold a lot of people. There’s no indication that they were sandwiched in there.
And even if the quarters were close, there’s still no excuse for anyone to fondle - rub? - anyone else without permission. Even if the wife weren’t there.
“Excuse me, your hand is on my leg.”
Said in the voice of “I’m sure you think you are feeling up your own wife or someone you actually know, but you probably can’t tell that that is my leg.” BTW, this also works if they know darn well because they aren’t in a hot tub. “Assume” brain fade.
Mamm does have a point. Ordinarily, such a situation (drinks, hot tub, etc) would seem to invite such advances. But I guess I should add that I have known every single one of these people except Mr. Feely-Hands and his wife since high school. I trust them. This guy was the one unknown quantity, but he was one of my friend’s brother, so I assumed (naively, it turns out), that he was to be trusted as well.
Gently reach down and run your hand over his once or twice while smiling at him.
Then, on the second pass, gently grab his middle finger, firmly bending it backwards until it breaks. All the while smiling and making a minimum of movement or apparent effort. If you can do it while taking a drink with the other hand, so much the better.
Act surprised and innocent when he yelps in pain and pulls back.
“How ever did that happen?”
Drinks and hot tub don’t invite any advances, as far as I’m concerned. They may facilitate emotions that are already bubbling under someone’s surface, but they don’t invite a darn thing.
If that were true, after all, then any time two people had a drink together advances would be invited. What’s wrong with people just soaking in a hot tub with a drink?
Well, you could get dehydrated, pass out and drown.
That’s just me being the voice of reason.
I’m not a touchy/feely kind of guy, but maybe a litle perspective from the other side might help…
Sometimes what’s perceived as flirting is just that, trying to get a reaction. Sometimes it’s not even thought about, though.
I have a very close female friend whom I have never had sex with. (Doesn’t mean the thought never happened, tho). She is one of my best friends ever. There have been times when we were discussing something with intense emotional impact and we’re holding hands or she’s leaning into me and my arm is around her shoulders, yada yada. To me, this does not count as flirting.
The time we had a tickle fight in the swimming pool and we ended up kissing? The tickling was indeed flirting.
As for casual acquaintances or mutual friends, I think it all depends on what and where. If someone takes my arm at a party/ball and asks how thing are going, not flirting. If my non dancing friend’s wife holds my hand as we walk out onto the dance floor (and yes, if she asks me to dance, I always look to him first. Heck, he’s even asked me to ask her! For some reason, he doesn’t even want to learn how to dance, I’ve offered*), not flirting.
If I brush back her bangs with my fingers while looking into her eyes, flirting.
Her rubing her hand lightly on my arm while looking up at me through her fallen bangs, flirting.
Carressing your naked thigh in a hot tub? Groping. You can lump other come ons, verbal or physical into the slutty/inappropriate behavior category. If it bothers you (or them, if you’re doing it), make it stop.
At least flirting has some class, IMHO.
- I’m straight, a good dancer, and would like my buddy to know the joy of dancing with the woman you’re attatched to, but omygawd he’s got something about dancing
Just so I understand, October. If someone comes up to you at a party and starts talking to you with the end goal being that he wants to bang you, and he learns you’re not interested, is this someone you want to keep talking to anyway?