“Success and wealth will come your way” and “Friends long absent are coming back to you” are all well and good, but I would like to open a fortune cookie and find:
You’ll be tipping a waiter soon.
I’d stay in bed tomorrow if I were you.
You left the iron on.
Advance to Boardwalk.
Buggrit millenium hand and shrimp.
You don’t want to know what’s in the Sesame Beef.
You will most likely fail at everything you try.
That’s not an allergic rash you’ve got there.
You’d better marry whoever you’re having dinner with. It’s not like you’ll do any better.
that wasn’t chicken…
You’ll be dead by next Tuesday…
Honestly, I’d like to see actual fortunes again. These days I get stuff like, “True friends are worth more than gold” or “You are known for your spotless linoleum floor.” That’s not a fortune. I want to be told what’s going to happen in my future, dammit. Is that too much to ask?
I also want vaguely disturbing fortunes, like:
“They all know about you.”
“What if it’s all a lie?”
“We’d be watching you if you were worth the trouble.”
Never trust a god who wears a top hat and grins all the time.
Never trust a god who wears a top hat and grins all the time.
Your lucky numbers are 13, 666 and 1984.
You will soon experience a very satisfying bowel movement.
Whatever you do, don’t turn around.
You will live for a while then die.
This is just a gimmick. Only chumps believe these things. Are you a chump?
Help! I’m being held hostage in a fortune cookie factory!
Woof! Woof woof woof. Bark!
When I was 13, I got a fortune cookie that said “You better go home”. My parents and I laughed about it until we got home and found out that we had been robbed.
It was quite a few years before I cracked open another one of those things…
I now ritualistically read out loud “You will die in a firey car crash”, regardless of what is actually written on the paper. I have no clue why…
Who are you? And why are you wearing my socks?
If you don’t think about it, the burning sensation will go away.
You will get a song stuck in your head. The one that goes “Doo de do dah doo de do dah.”
You need to use deoderant. Daily.
OH MY GOD, WHAT’S THAT?!?!
Woof, Bloody Woof
Cancel your plans for the rest of the day. You’re going to be sitting down quite a bit after that meal.
Fluffy didn’t really run away.
Did you know these things cause cancer?
I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night, And Party Every Day (or any other key line to an annoying song that gets stuck in your head at the briefest mention)
I know about the Superman Underoos
THE PHONE CALL’S COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!
I’LL BE STOPPING BY AROUND 10:30 (the bolding is there to help the Discworld fans distinguish these capitals from the previous ones)
I’ll bet you’ll never guess what makes that sauce so “tangy”
Right now, you’re parents are having sex. On the same kitchen table you were conceived on, no less.
That last one would be less disturbing if all of my parents were still alive… 
More fortunes?
27765 43550 11332 11111 66987 44531 55667 61032 43303
22334 65651 08714 00083 55456 44556 10105 87882 25445
They LIE.
Your mattress will soon be a source of merriment.
Kelkaj steloj cxirkauxos vian sorton.
A close family member will soon be on the evening news.
Children will affect your choice of destination.
Mice are now the least of your problems.
Your computer has just dialed an overseas number.
When you return home, be sure to inspect ALL of the cupboards.
Update your resume.
Someone is expecting you at the airport.
Remember to call Det. Carvalho tonight.
Your mileage may vary.
No animals were harmed in the preparation of this meal.
All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy All work and no play makes Johnny a dull boy
It’s all a dream.
I’m watching you.
Your lucky numbers are <pi>, i, and aleph null.
Duck!
Someone is checking out your ass right now.
The crow flies at midnight.
If only you could figure out what’s causing that annoying feeling that you forgot something…
The pictures have been posted to the internet.
You will be very prosperous, as long as you’re not found out.
Sixty Minutes wants a word with you.
I’m sure you’re wondering why I’ve asked you all here today.
Your Visa bill is overdue
Dave Letterman once mentioned one I still giggle over:
“Pay and Get Out, Round Eyes”
Confucious say: never trust a wet fart.
Confucious say: weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.
Confucious say: Hi, Opal!
Soylent Green is made of people!
For a good time call (followed by your SO’s number).
Chinese cooks do it on a bed of rice.
Iron Chef sucks!
For a good time call (followed by your number).
Your missing ring is under seat 14 row 32 aisle 5 in the Rose Bowl.
Your 2003 Federal tax return will be $872.13.
Mom liked you best.
You will submit a topic to SDMB called Fortune cookies you’d like to see.
For a good time call 555-8736.
You will never go out with a supermodel.
[obligatory Simpsons reference]
Fortune Cookie Warehouse Guy: "We’re all out of ‘You find happiness with a new love!’
Other Fortune Cookie Warehouse Guy: "Just use “Stick With Your Wife.”
[/obligatory Simpsons reference]
[obligatory Simpsons reference]
Fortune Cookie Warehouse Guy: "We’re all out of ‘You find happiness with a new love!’
Other Fortune Cookie Warehouse Guy: "Just use “Stick With Your Wife.”
[/obligatory Simpsons reference]