Friend housesitting for my parents...am I being ridiculous?

In My Humble Opinion
1

My friend Linda (and I) are 40, she has no kids, never married, never a serious relationship, never held down any career type job for any length of time (she is not dumb, very well educated, but she chose a poor degree for actually getting work, then had depression issues 10 years ago) and always had her parents small business to fall back on. In the last 10 years she either teaches ESL abroad, or does volunteer work in developing countries for a few months, comes back for the summer, works for her parents, and travels/ volunteers over the winter.
She has always said she wanted the house /husband/kids thing but she is so painfully shy she has barely been on second dates.

My parents who have known her for years, (since she and I were in high school together) offered to have her house sit when she got back from her latest globe trotting. Now, I live 5 minute drive from them, have no problem dropping by, collecting mail, watering plants. Plus when I work night shifts I go there to sleep so the phone etc won’t wake me up.

Since she got back last week, Linda has phoned and emailed me about getting the key to my parents house. I will have to go and show her the stuff, the tricky door, the water main, etc, etc, all told it will be about a half hour showing her stuff. Its not a big deal, but part of me is ticked that they want her to move in and do this stuff. Including keys to my mothers car. They don’t know she is distracted and clueless behind the wheel, and doesnt drive in winter because she is high strung and nervous (the taking her car off the road thing when she is only gone 6 weeks does not make any sense) I emailed her that I was in a heavy work stretch and I would be happy to do the keys and showing her around thing when there is a lull in my schedule, and I got the response that she is eager to get out of her parents place and would adapt to my lunch hour, after work, whatever. I feel that since she choses to live with her parents, work for them, spend her earnings travelling or “pay to volunteer” gigs, that any urgency on her part related to getting out of her parents house is not an emergency on my part. She’s always been a good friend, although she lately makes a few broad strokes comments about me living unmarried with my boyfriend, or working nights and the overtime that I do " I don’t know how you do it, it ages people to work shift and is unhealthy." My boyfriend says Im being ridiculous; give her the keys, let her figure it out and take that one errand a day off my plate. He is probably right, but I am annoyed with her timetable, and I like taking care of my parent’s house. Its a quiet space and I get even 10 minutes of me time when I do the plants, mail etc. I told my mother about this last December before they left, she shrugged and said it was Dad’s idea. Dad got the idea after friends of theirs were talking about their house sitter. (Those friends don’t have family in town)

Anyway, I leave it to the dopers, who always call it as they see it.

Am I ridiculous?

2

Nope. This is perfectly normal and natural. She’s going to be in “YOUR” space…somewhere you think of as a little island of peace. Heck, I get a tiny bit upset when the people I housesit for get another sitter when I’m not available! It’s perfectly understandable, especially if you grew up in that house. Don’t feel bad about feeling bad, but try to keep in mind that your parents thought they were both doing you a favor and giving her a way to (possibly) earn some money or get away from her parents. They are wrong, but they meant well.

3

Kitten blue…they arent paying her…
Itss a place to crash deal

4

Having someone stay at their house full time is arguably a better theft deterrent than a casual swing by for 10 min every so often. I think if you looked at this objectively, it is a better thing for your parents, and it seems like it does her a favour as well, since she’s keen to get a little bit of her own space. You like doing it so you can get those 10 min to yourself - how much more might she be looking forward to a few weeks without her parents?

It can be weird when your parents sub someone else into a role you normally play, but it’s a one off thing, and I’d not stress too much about it.

5

Yes you’re being overly sensitive and “ridiculous”, and it sounds like you have unresolved issues/ lifestyle resentments WRT this friend that you’re projecting them onto this meaningless house sitting gig. You need to show her the house and let it go, otherwise you’re just being petty.

6

I think your choices here are either to give her the keys or call your parents and tell them they need to FedEx the keys to her themselves, you want nothing to do with this. It’s understandable that you don’t like this plan but it’s their house and their decision, if you’re not going to go along with their plan then at least tell them this directly.

7

My main issue is that she chooses this lifestyle, comments how living with her parents allows her to travel, study, etc. Suddenly, she is home for two days and starts asking for the keys, because she can’t deal with living at home. I used to have sympathy for her living a single life with her parents and so forth but in the last year I have realized that she doesn’t really want to change. (Several examples deleted) She doesnt understand why I won’t get up at noon to meet her and do this key exchange, but I go to bed at 9 am. If you went to bed at 9 pm would you meet me at midnight because it was convinient to me? She won’t drive in winter so I would either have to meet her when her parents come in to town or drive the 10 miles or so outside city limits to get her. So this week my choice is to go see her when I should be sleeping, or see her after I wake up and miss my family time with my son and boyfriend.

I’d rather not have her housesit, but that’s my parents choice. Dropping by when I am asleep and getting the key from my boyfriend is still an option, but Id rather go and show her. I just want her to wait until Monday when I am done with this rough part of my rotation. Again, her wanting her space is not my emergency.

8

It does seem to me that you are rationalizing all kinds of reasons why you can’t just meet her and give her the keys. She says she’ll adapt to your lunch schedule (etc) yet you’re clearly avoiding the key exchange. Just reading what you’ve written it sounds like you are jealous of your parents choice to have her stay there.

Also, while you mention that you feel she judges you for your life it is pretty obvious that you judge her harshly for her situation. We all have issues we could work on and improve yet we don’t. She’s hardly alone in that. It sounds like the arrangement she has with her family does allow her to live a life she enjoys. Naturally there are bumps in the road and she might want some space from her family. It sounds to me as if you resent her travels and the safety net she has with her parents.

So, to be really honest, you’re coming off fairly petty and envious.

9

So you’re ticked off because someone you describe as being less fortunate than you is getting a break from your parents.

Did you ever see the episode of the Simpsons with Frank Grimes. He’s the only one that can see that Homer leads a charmed life and that despite never actually having earned anything he gets everything regardless.

You say “She’s always been a good friend,” and now you’re finding excuses to pick her apart?

You’re just jealous. Honestly if re-read your own words you can see you describe this lady as far less fortunate than you. So why do you care if she gets a break? Her getting a break from your folks isn’t taking anything away from you.

It’s like when I go to the store and I hear someone mumbling about someone else, who they don’t know using food stamps. They’re just mad because they don’t get free stuff. But really they ought to be happy they don’t need to have that break.

Is it better to break your leg and have everyone carry your stuff and pay attention to you? Or is it better to not have a broken leg and be ignored? I think the latter is the case.

This is really a trivial thing in the larger scope of things. There is a bad recession on, people have REAL problems, don’t create a mountain out of a mole hill.

Instead of finding reasons WHY to be ticked off at your friend staying at your mother’s house try finding reasons to be grateful you have your own house and don’t need to depend on the kindess or generousity of others

10

I have a live-in housesitter and one of my brothers (who could in no way or fashion housesit) has been known to try to give me advice about it; basically, instead of seeing it as a housesitting deal, he saw it as “I’m sure you’re not charging him enough rent.”

I appreciated his wanting to take care of me, explained that the exact details of the deal weren’t really any of his business and pointed out that the biggest benefit wasn’t “rent” but “having someone there when the gas inspection is due.” He saw the point and backed off.

It sounds to me like, same as my brother saw what looked to him like I had a problem I wasn’t seeing, you see faults in your friend which you think your parents don’t - and you may even be right, at least in part. I definitely wasn’t charging “market rent” to the housesitter, you know? So in that part, my brother was right.

Some other things are also different from what they would be if this housesitter was a stranger, both on the housesitter’s attitude and in yours. A stranger might not insist on moving in now in a way and to a point where you find it irritating - or they might.

And then there’s the “why is she living in my parents’ house?” You know that it’s not that they don’t trust you, they’re trying to help her.

My advice is, separate the “she’s my friend” from “she’s my parents’ housesitter.” Meet her as soon as you humanly can to give her the tour and the keys, and when it comes to housesitting she should be as independent and get exactly as much space as if you didn’t know her at all. Monday? Monday’s good!

11

This is a boundary issue and I have to throw a flag on this play. Your parents want her in the house, she wants to be in the house, you don’t want her to be in the house. Your parents want her to have the keys, she wants to have the keys, you don’t want her to have the keys. But it’s their house, so they get to decide who hangs out there.

I assume this has to do with the fact that you like having access to the space, but that is a problem you need to deal with by talking to your parents; it isn’t her fault you sleep there and want to keep doing so.

What her lifestyle has to do with this is a mystery to me. Your boyfriend is right: just tell her when she can get the keys and that’s it. No need to show her around or anything.

12

You sound really jealous, touchy and judgemental.

You invested quite a lot of time in your initial email talking about her lifestyle that you don’t approve of, then you take offense when she appears to have disapproved of your lifestyle. Pot, meet kettle.

You’ve said yourself that sorting her out with the keys is not a big deal, so put on your big girl pants and go do it.

If you have an issue with your parents entrusting her to do this stuff, then your issue is with your parents, don’t take it out on her.

13

I must have missed something. Why doesn’t she get a key from your parents? The deal is between her and your parents, right? Why are you involved at all?

14

The parents have already vacated the house (as stated in the OP) and I’m guessing she holds the spare key.

15

Ah! Thanks, I got lost in all the whining. Why doesn’t MLS just FedEx the keys then, with a list explaining what all needs to be done?

16

No. Her schedule is not your emergency.

Do not put yourself out to accomodate what should have been taken care of between your parents and her. Tell her, firmly but simply, “You will have to wait until Monday.” and be done with it.

If she whines – and, it sounds like she will – learn the value of “That is not my problem. You will have to wait until Monday. Now, excuse me, but I have other things to take care of.” and end the conversation.

Be judgmental or not about her and your parents’ choice, but don’t make yourself into a doormat to accomodate her because you’re feeling guilty about feeling judgmental. She’s an adult. She can either wait, or find some other way to fix what is her issue.

17

Okay, maybe I’m just really dense today, but MLS, don’t you go to the parents house every single day? Could you not just meet her out there when you are already going to be there? Just tell her “I’ll be at my parents’ house at 8 pm on Saturday night (or whenever). Come get the key. If you’re not there by 8:10, I’m leaving.” Then the ball’s in her court - if she’s so desperate to get the key, she’ll be there.

18

I don’t understand why you think all these tangents about her lifestyle are relevant to the topic at hand.

19

Your issue seems to be with your parents offering her this while you judge her to be undeserving.

Have her pick up the keys from your boyfriend. Your need to show her things, is just disguised control on your part. Using her desire to get out of her parents home as ‘not your emergency’ is, again, not really the issue at hand. Making her wait till Monday when she could easily pick the keys up from your boyfriend is extremely controlling.

I think, on some level, you sense that this is the case. You seem to want to do the right thing. So drop your issues with all of this and do as your parents asked, give her the keys. Think about if it was someone you did approve of, would you be jerking them around like this or would you say, “Sure, come by when you like my BF will be here to give you the key!” I’d bet you wouldn’t be dragging their lifestyle or timing into it at all.

I think you are a bigger person, more than capable of doing the right thing, than your OP makes you seem.

20

Looking back at this thread I think this is what really strikes me as petty. According to your own words, your main issue isn’t that giving her the keys would be inconvenient for you. Your main issue is about her lifestyle which is none of your business.

This person is a good friend and has been one for a long time? Yikes.