Friend wants to live here for summer, parents are assholes, help! (long?)

In My Humble Opinion
1

Ok…I’ve been talking to a guy from Montreal, and I live in Winnipeg. We’ve been chatting for the last…7-8 years.
I’m 18, so is he.
He asked me about 2 months ago, well, actually he came up with an idea about 2 months ago.
The idea is he wants to come live with me at my house for the summer, get a job here, leave in two months.
The reason for his wanting to leave Montreal for the summer is:

A) Needs a break from his friends
B) Wants to see Winnipeg and see me and chill
C) Friends are hardcore into drugs now (coke, meth, E, etc) and he did it as well for a while and he wants to get away from it for a bit, if not completely
D) Wants a change

I was also into those drugs for a while, and he wanted to go to Toronto, Ottawa or Calgary, but all the people he knows there do drugs, so that wasn’t a good idea.
I quit all drugs a year and a half ago and I’ll never go back so he figured coming here would be the best bet.
I’d show him how to live without them, I know what he’s going through, etc.

Now the problem…
I live at home with both my parents, they don’t know I did drugs at all. I asked my mom about this idea that was kind of floating around at the time, about a month or more ago. She says, “I’ll think about it…” Meaning she wasn’t taking me serious like always and just let it go throught one ear and out the next.
I came up to her at the end of last month and ran this by her again. Now everytime she’s said"i’ll thinka bout it, it’s always been a yes and that’s that…"
So now that I asked her again, she’s freaking out saying no, etc etc.

My brother’s ex girlfriend lived here for over a year without rent, never got off her ass to help with anything, etc etc.
So what’s the difference between that and someone staying here for 2 months at the very most?
I realise she has no clue who this person is
I told her he said he would pay around 50-100 for what ever months he stays, which is 2 at the most. He might even been here for a week for all he knows.
My mom tells me “she learnt her lesson the first time with my brother’s girlfriend…”
I would think she would have enough confidence in me to know I wouldn’t let some fucked up crack addict bum off the street to come waltzing into my house…
I even mentioned to her that his friends were into drugs and he didn’t want to be around that this summer, you would think that would sway her over a bit, but no.
She and my dad (who’s never cared about anything that happens in my life for the last 18 years, all of a sudden cares now…) said 2 weeks. That’s it.
He’s getting a job with my friend, ride, same hours as me, etc etc.
It’s all set up.
I asked my brother, incase my mom continues to be a bitch and stay with the 2 weeks rule, if my friend and I could stay at his place and pay 100 each until August, he said no. So there goes that plan.

Oh, and he’s hitch hiking it here ontop because he doesn’t have enough money to take a bus as planned.
I’m not telling my mom that because she wants an exact date on his arrival and his leaving.
I don;t even know what day he’s going to be here.
That pissed me off.
So anyways enough babbling

Maybe you guys can help me out on this, from a parents veiw, or what I could say to my parents to change theyre mind.

Why is this such a big deal?
How is this fair compared to the free ride my brother got?
I’m completely out of ideas.

Is it impossible for me to have a decent, exciting, summer for once in my life?

2

Out of curiousity, have you ever met this guy?

This guy is a complete stranger to them. It’s not a comforting thought to have a stranger crashing on your couch for a month or two. Especially not one with a former drug problem. They may have let your brother’s girlfriend live there for a little bit, but they more than likely knew her before hand. Also girls don’t seem as threatening as guys do, especially with a teenage daughter in the house.

Another point to consider, they would have to take on the costs of this person. $50-100 doesn’t cover the food he would eat, electricity he would use, water he would use and give him a place to stay.

Also what exactly are his parents saying about this entire idea?

3

My daughter? Bring home an internet friend, a complete stranger, to live with the family for 2 months/2 weeks/any period of time?

Yeah. That’ll happen.

4

Trancey, you are eighteen years old. It is not your parent’s responsibility to ensure that you have a “decent, exciting summer.” Find your own excitement.

The big deal here is that you live in your parent’s house, and they don’t have to take in anyone they don’t want to take in. It won’t help your cause if you keep on bringing up your brother’s ex. You posted that your mother said that she’s “learnt her lesson the first time.” I take this to mean that the living arrangement ended badly, so this is not an experiment your parents will want to repeat.

Your parents are not being assholes in this matter; your mother is not being a bitch. Quite frankly, you are lucky that they’ve okayed his staying for two weeks. It’s more than I would have done. And he can’t even give his date of arrival? Your parents are just supposed to get up every day knowing that a houseguest could be knocking on the door at any minute? It might be time for you to consider moving out on your own. Then, you can bring home any amount of men/women/stray cats/dying plants that you want.

Let me stray on to completely unwanted advice here: your post sounds as if you feel you can help him stay away from drugs. It is veering dangerously into “I can rescue him” territory, and this is the biggest mistake that anyone can make in a relationship. You cannot change anyone; he or she has to make the changes themself. Your friend will be just fine if he cannot spend the summer with you. If he’s not fine, well, he wasn’t ready to make any changes anyway.

5

Yeah, sorry, I know it sounds awful to you but I think your parents are right. This is their perspective: They were burned once by their son’s ex-girlfriend, and now their 18-year-old daughter wants to invite some (ex-) druggie that she met on the Internet to come over “just” for the summer, which they fear will drag out even longer. That “free ride” that your brother got? They don’t trust him as much now, quite possibly.

You’ve got good motives, but it’s your parents’ house.

6

I wouldn’t even invite a friend I knew in real life to stay with me all summer- people can get awfully annoying when you live with them. The fact that he is attempting to invite himself to stay with you sets off my alarm bells, too. Courteous people don’t ask mere acquaintances to house them for long periods of time (they drop hints and wait to be invited). My bet is, if you did take him in, you’d discover pretty quickly that he isn’t as great as he seems.

But even if he is, if I were your parents, I’d still nix the idea. After all, they will also have to live with this guy, and while you sort-of know him from your internet chats, your parents don’t know him at all. They might not enjoy living with someone who is a complete stranger to them.

Your mom’s job is to protect you until you’re old and wise enough to protect yourself. This decision sounds like she’s doing her job.

7

I was raised knowing that I could invite anyone to my home, for long or short periods of time—any friend in need, for any reason. We’ve put friends up for over a year at a time when they needed it. I continue to keep my home open the same way.

I’m sorry you don’t have the same home environment, and it seems like your mother doesn’t trust you at all, and doesn’t see you as an equal.

You’ve already tried finding an alternative place to live. :confused: You can either assert your equality and TELL (not ask) your parents that he’s coming to stay for a few months, you can have him come for two weeks, and use that two weeks to convince them that he’s acceptable (or throw him out if he does turn out to be a loony) or you can can the whole thing.

Also, per ShadiRoxan, having his parents talk to your parents, or even having your parents call him, is a great idea.

It sounds like YOU trust this guy, so that’s good enough for me.

You need to convince your parents that you’re responsible and trustworthy, but I’m not sure how you should go about it. Are you going to college in the fall? Do you have a job?

“Hey, I’m not a pregnant crack-whore” always worked with my mom. Though now, with a Master’s Degree under my belt and a great job, she still doesn’t trust me to dress myself when I’m at home.

8

Are you out of your mind? A child living in her parents’ house is most certainly not an equal. It is not her house, and it is not her right to make decisions about who does and does not live here. She is fortunate that her parents allow her to live there since she is 18 and her parents have no legal responsibility towards her. She is their guest, not their equal, in any way, shape or form. Your parents’ genorisity is to be commended, but forgive me if I think it is rather foolish.

9

I listed four suggestions, friedo. Asserting herself was just one option. Why dismiss my entire post based on one part of it, instead of just marking that idea off your mental list and moving on to the next one?

Its Trancey’s judgement call as to how much her mother and father can take. I’m of the opinion that they can take more than the previous posters here can, based on the OP, but I provided alternatives which I felt were unique enough from the general “OMG!!! Think of the children!” tone of the thread that they might be useful.

10

What Friedo said. How on earth can an 18-year-old living off her parents be considered an equal? She’s not an equal, she is their child. If my (hypothetical) child ever TOLD me she was bringing in a complete stranger into my house, for me to support, for 2 months, I’d laugh my ass off and then tell her in all sincerity that she was out of her g-d mind.

Maybe it’s not that her mother doesn’t trust her, maybe it’s that her mother doesn’t trust the STRANGER who the child wants to come live in the mother’s house.

Children don’t “tell” their parents that they are having someone live in their parents’ house for 2 months. They ask. That’s because they are the children and the parents are the parents and the adults. Your own parents must have been extremely generous and kind, but they are the anomaly in allowing you to bring home anyone and everyone for any length of time for any reason.

11

Well put, missbunny.

12

Thanks, SnoopyFan.

Oh, and I personally am all for allowing children a certain degree of free choice and maintaining their own lives and responsibilities to a certain extent - I don’t believe in micromanaging all children - not 18-year-olds, anyway - and my own mother treated me like an adult long before I was legally one. But the line has to be drawn somewhere. And for me, and I would guess for many parents, that line would most definitely be drawn at a child TELLING her parents that she’s having a guest in their house for the summer.

My child can be an “equal” when she makes an equal contribution to the household: when she can pay for and take on an equal share of the mortgage, taxes, maintenance, insurance, food prep, shopping, cleaning, utilities, negotiation of services, and taking off work to be home for the plumber, as well as an equal share of the mental fatigue that comes with the huge responsibility of owning and running a house. Until then she will have a child’s responsibilities and limitations.

13

I wasn’t thinking of the children. I was thinking of the parents.

You know, even when I had roommates with whom I was in a relationship of perfect equality-- we split rent, utilities, and chores evenly-- I would not have dreamed of TELLING them that I was letting a stranger (to them) move in for an unspecified period of time.

If my husband, with whom I have a relationship of perfect equality, were to tell me that he was letting a total stranger move in for an unspecified period of time, I would…flip out. Refuse. This is my house as well as his, and we both have the right not to have anything going on in it that makes either of us uncomfortable.

As to your other suggestions, I don’t think lying to her parents in an attempt to manipulate them will truly underscore Trancey’s reliabillity and trustworthiness. Her only option may be to can the whole thing, at least until she is independent. The old cliche is true: their house, their rules.

14

Trancey - simply put, it is your parent’s house, they get to make the rules.

You are 18. If you disagree with their rules, you are certainly free to move out and get a place of your own, where footing the bill will give you the freedom to invite over any houseguests you want.

And Rysler - I would certainly get a kick out of it if one of my kids thought they were going to tell me how things were going to be in my house. Too funny.

Reminds me of when my teenaged son seriously proposed that he should be paid certain amounts for various chores we required he do around the house. I said no problem, and simply presented him with a bill for food, rent, and utilities.

Missbunny, sugaree, and friedo well expressed my thoughts. Trancey and Rysler - you both sound extremely young, immature, and self-centered, with an extremely unrealistic impression of your place in the world. Go out and do something worthwhile (beyond simply not being a crack whore) before you begin to think you are in the position to demand much of anything from anyone. In the meantime, be happy for what you’ve got.

15

I asked them.
I told them.
I tried everything.
I have small chance they will give in. Anytime I want to do/have something, this always happens.
They bitch and bitch until both of us go insane with tension and she just gives up at the last minute.
I asked her 2 months ago is it worth moving out for 2 months because that was the ORIGINAL plan, she said no don’t bother just stay here.
Did I fail to mention in April, my mom let a random bum off the street stay here for a night? I could have been murdered, raped, robbed, in my sleep. So the fact that she “cares” is a load of crap.

I’ll be 19 in August, I have a full time job, I told her he would split the chores with me, give her $100 a month. He’s a vegan. He won’t all of our food.
If he was here, it would be exactly the same as if my brother was still living here. He has 2 jobs to choose from when he gets here. He didn’t invite himself over, he said he wanted to leave, I told him he’s welcome here, then he came up with the summer idea.
I said sure because if it was anyone else, she wouldn’t have a problem. Anytime one of my friends from this city said they were having problems, she fucking invited them herself to stay here for the summer. So what is the difference?
She knows I’ve been talking to him on the net/phone for the last 8 years. If she wanted to know him better, she had plenty of chances, it’s just that she never bothered to care what was going on in my life until now.

I had to lay in bed and hear my brother and his girlfriend have sex everynight. Me and this guy are not going to be like that.

I honestly think it’s because I’m a girl. You know, the whole boy VS girl routine with priviledges.

This guy knows if he does any drugs when he’s here, he’s out of here with a swift kick in the ass.

And I don’t live off my parents. I’m the ONLY one who does anything to keep this house clean every week. I pay for my own car, I buy all my own stuff (clothes, nessecities, etc etc.)

My brother said if I was ever having problems here at home I was more then invited to stay at his place. Now I am having problems and he backs off.
So a new plan is a bachelors appartment somewhere downtown.
That’s all I have left.
I don’t know yet if I’ll move in with him for the summer.

16

She can indeed be an “equal”, however, she doesn’t own the house, doesn’t make the payments. Her parents do. It’s their house, their rules.

I agree with your parents. Besides, I think YOU have a lot of growing up to do yourself.

17

Basically, I want to reiterate what most others have said, that you have no ‘right’ to expect your parents to accept a stranger into their home for any period of time at all.

  1. You only know this person from internet contact, so you have no way of verifying if ANYTHING he has told you about his life is true or not. For all you know, he might be a ‘fucked up crack addict bum’. He might also be all sorts of other undesirable things.

  2. Jobs that are ‘set up’ have a funny way of ‘falling-through’ more often than not. How is this person to guarantee paying his way if he is unable to score some work? If he’s broke NOW, not even having enough for a bus fare, how in hell is he going to survive later? Stuck at your house with no means to go anywhere else, and not contributing to the household expenses? My crystal ball sees a strong vision of a free-loader on the take here.

  3. Re this wish of yours to rescue him from a life of drugs and depravity :wink: , don’t even think about it.

  4. Your parents are being MORE than reasonable (I would say irresponsible) in permitting him to stay even two weeks. Like SnoopyFan, if one of my kids put such a proposal to me, they’d have to get the doctor to stop the convulsive laughter that would wrack my body!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? Bwahahahahahaha (repeat ad infinitum)

:stuck_out_tongue: :stuck_out_tongue: :stuck_out_tongue:

18

Your parents are not assholes. You’re being silly and immature. The people who pay the bills get to make the rules. They can be as hypocritical as they want. Those who are over 18 don’t have to stay if they don’t want to do so. Get your own apartment and let your friend stay with you. What a great deal it will be. He’ll pay you $100 a month!

Haj

19

And they said no.

Then give up. If this guy means so much to you, MOVE OUT. Maybe the two of you could shack up in a motel. Rent a room together. Then you could really get to know one anothe, in the privacy of your own place.

Then move out. You seem to be quite fed up with your living arrangements.

Maybe you should stop badgering your mother over the head with this thing. She said no. Let. It. Go.

Was it poor judgement for her to do this? Who knows. But one night is a little bit different from two months, don’t you think? And to your mother, an internet ex-druggie that you’ve never seen before is probably not much better than a random bum off the street. She probably wouldn’t let a random bum stay in her house for two weeks either.

When you have your own place, you can be the welcome wagon. I’m sure your parents didn’t appreciate you taking it upon yourself to invite some stranger into their home. That was rude and ballsy.

Could it be that these were friends she actually knew beforehand? And maybe she didn’t know about their druggie pasts?

If I were your parents, I’d be having fears about how to get rid of this guy if he turned out to be no good.

This may be true. It also could be that men who “need a place to stay” are viewed as being bums, whereas females in the same predicament are given more leeway. I know my father would be very unimpressed if my boyfriend needed to crash on his couch for a couple of months, and he had never met him before! Face it, kiddo. This just isn’t a good way to introduce your lover to your folks.

20

I can’t believe this. Please tell me you’re joking.

Bottom line : Their house, their rules. If you don’t like it, you have two choices. Deal with it, or move out and set your own rules.

BTW, IMO this :

just makes you sound like a spoiled, nagging pain.

and if this is true :

Then you’ll have absolutely no problems managing and financing your own household, will you ? So move out. From the sounds of all the work you do around the house, the only change will be that you get to set your own rules. Unless of course, your parents do support you in some way, and if that’s the case, I’ll repeat : their house, their rules. End of story.