Wow. I’m speechless here. I can’t even imagine such a spoiled little brat as the OP.
You make your own car payments. Well whoopty-fucking-doo, Miss Independent. I’m sure this gives you every right to tell your parents who should be sleeping on their couch all summer. You claim you’re “the only one who does anything around here”. Now, this statement may be perfectly true, but from the over-all tone of your posts, I question its veracity. I’ve known too many kids who thought “doing everything around here” amounted to cleaning their room and taking the trash out every once in a while.
Are you paying your parents rent? Are you paying for utilities, groceries, and other household needs? What percentage of the whole? If it’s not 51%, then it’s not your house. It doesn’t belong to you, therefore you are not allowed to make decisions about who can and cannot live there. As a member of that household, certainly you should have some say, but when push comes to shove, the power of veto lies with your parents, i.e., the owners of the house. Allowing some broke-ass admitted ex-drug-addicted stranger to hang out for two weeks is more than generous, and I’ll say it, probably a bad idea. Taking in the brother’s girlfriend? Also a bad idea, as was the vagrant. Obviously your mom makes the same bad choices you’re now trying to. Does this make her a hypocrite? Yes, it does. But it’s still her house. So deal with it.
One fine day, when you’ve moved out and pay all your own bills, then you can be just as naive as you want and let anyone in off the street to share your home. Until then, you should probably realize that spoiled little whiners are deeply unattractive people.
“Telling” parents that you are going to bring someone into their territory is not assertive – it’s aggressive.
You are probably taking more responsibility for yourself than I did at 18 and that is commendable. But you fall far short of being independent and seem short-sighted about how much it can cost to take on a spare person. And that doesn’t address the hassle of having a stranger in the house for two months.
If your parents want to open their home to a marching band in the dead of night, that is their choice to make and they owe you no explanation. In fact, now that you are a legal adult, they owe you nothing. Everything done for you is a gift. That “bitch” puts a roof over your head and food on your table. I see no gratitude for that anywhere in your post.
I would feel that way even if he were a merit scholar, a seminary student, the son of my best friend and Teenager of the Year.
Waddya, smokin’ the chronic? You and your friend should get your own place. No rules. No hassles. If you both have jobs, there’s no reason you should be camping on someone else’s floor anyway.
I’d say she can be an equal in certain respects but children do not get an equal vote 100% of the time when they are living under their parents’ roof and when they don’t take on an equal portion (financial and otherwise) of the home’s responsibilites. Not if they are 10, not if they are 18, not if they are 28.
Can they get an equal vote sometimes? Absolutely. “Kids, we’re going on a family vacation to either A or B. This is your vacation too, so we’ll take a vote and the place with the most votes wins, even if it’s not the one we would ourselves prefer the most.”
NOT: “Kids, you live here and this is your house too, so feel free to do whatever you’d like with it at any time, invite whomever you wish, carry on any type of behavior.”
Trancey, I know this will sound cliched, but someday when you are about 35 and have a house, or have an 18-year-old of your own, you are going to look back at this situation and laugh and laugh that you could have ever been so naive to think you had any right whatsoever to bring a stranger into your parents house for them to support for 2 months. And you’ll laugh how you could have ever though $100 a month would cover his expenses. And you’ll laugh that you could have ever believed that you truly were contributing as much or more than your parents were to the household. And you’ll laugh that you thought making your car payment and buying your own stuff but still living in your parents’ house was equivalent to supporting yourself. I know you don’t believe it now. But it will happen.
Ya know, my roommate pays me RENT. A helluva lot more than $100/month. And if she suggested that she was going to have someone stay with us, in her room for two months, I would probably starve to death laughing.
It’s not your house. You don’t pay the bills. You’re not responsible for repairs. If something happens to your buddy, you’re not the one on the hook for insurance or medical stuff - potentially your parents could be.
If you think that the $50-$100 your pal is willing to give your parents per month is going to cover even half the costs of having him there - even if he is a vegan - then you clearly have no concept whatsoever of what things actually cost.
The difference between having buddy and your brother living in the house is that your brother is your parents CHILD - you know - they brought him into the world, feel some responsibility, etc.
I think you should move out. Move in with your friend. Have a big huge glass of reality and grow up a bit.
Trust and confidence must be earned. Inviting some homeless crackhead to stay at your parents does not demonstrate good judement.
Yeah…right…You can assert your equality as you are dragging you emancipated ass around town looking for an appartment.
Look, no one in their right mind is going to allow some strange drug addict to live in their house. Even if they come from a source as reputible as the Internet. So deal.
Based on the statements by the OPoster, it may be that Trancey’s mother is flakey. That’s assuming she did indeed not take the proposition seriously, and that communications seems to work by extended tension.
A together parent (hah, easier said than done) would have found out a lot about the nameless Montreal guy as soon as they thought the proposal was real, would have talked to him and his parents on the phone, etc. As opposed to being pestered into compromising on a two-week stay.
Trancey is almost 19, employed full time, and involved in finding out how the world works. Bringing someone into a home is sort of the opposite of risk-management, and exposes everyone involved. Even if they’ve done it before, each time it’s a risk.
It’s impossible to tell from here if he’s a good guy in spite of doing drugs, but that is a giant red flag. I wouldn’t have realized how bad a gamble it is at Trancey’s age, but I was brought up sheltered.
I’d say, Trancey and her family are in a far better position if he comes to town and gets his own place, and Trancey doesn’t move in unless she gets a mad passionate sexual desire to do so.
Trancey can lend him first-and-last month’s rent, and that way her risk is limited to the money. If she loses the money in the end, she might have bought herself some education with it (especially if after the rent money, it turns out he needs some more for his car, and some more for groceries, and some more for…sort of like Nigerian advance-payment charges)
While I agree with the posters who’ve pointed out the OP’s parents own the house and asking someone to put up with a stranger for two months is a bit much, I would also worry about the effect that living together for two months could have on a relationship.
If this guy and Trancey have been chatting for 7 or 8 years, they’ve obviously got some rapport, but living together is wholly different than chatting online or visiting occasionally. It’s a big jump to being around each other constantly. Are both parties prepared for the possibility that their friendship could change for the worse once they’ve had to deal with taking out trash and sharing a TV?
Well, to those who find the idea of letting their daughter invite a “strange guy from the Internet ot live with the family” hilarious, I just want to say that sometimes it does work out. My “strange guy” moved in when I was 16, and stayed with us until I married him at 18, and we just celebrated 2 years of marriage…
On the other hand, my sister tried the same stunt, and he was a fucking pyscho that probably has traumatized her for life.
So my advice to the OP? Stop pushing. Let him stay for 2 weeks. After that long, you may not want him to stay anymore. Or you may be able to find him another place to stay for the rest of the summer. Or your parents may think he’s the greatest thing since sliced bread and let him stay. You have two weeks, use them to your advantage. But stop nagging your parents, whining, complaining, etc. You’re lucking to get what you did.
I’m 23 years old and still living at home with my parents. I pay my own bills buy my clothes, necessities, and the cable bill for the house. My parents pay for my food and the cost of me living here(electricity, water etc.). Now NEVER EVER would I ask my parents if some guy I knew could come live with us for a couple of months. I know right away their answer would be no. Even though they let my brother and his wife live here for 2 years. I still now they’d say no. I had my ex-boyfriend live here for 6 months. The only reason they allowed that was because he a) babysat my nephews b)helped my dad work on cars c)chipped in with household chores. I tried to sneak my new boyfriend into living here recently. My parents said no. I’m not upset. I dont think they’re assholes because of this. I’m not whining even. Why? Because its their mothaf***ing house!!! They let me live here, and I abide by their rules. My mom has always told me, “dont’ like it? theres the door”. I know that my boyfriend and me will get to live together later and I don’t mind that. I have patience.
Oh, I’m not opposed to strange guys from the cyber world. I met a man on a local BBS eighteen years ago and we’ve been married seventeen years. But I was forty-one at the time and we had discovered that we had several friends in common. Even then, we didn’t move in together until months later.
Had your parents met the young man before he moved it? Did he have a job already? Was he supporting himself? Was he free of addictive drugs?
I guess I don’t understand the bill paying aspect of this. And how him living here would cost so much.
I leave the cable on the computer day and night, night and day, so me and him sharing what would be my time otherwise, wouldn’t cost anymore.
What would contribute to using more electricity? Our lights are on non-stop, with or without anyone home. We have one television, and the only time me or him would use it, is to watch a movie, that my parents insist on watching with me all the time because I never get the tv to myself anyways. Water bills? I take two showers a day practically, I’ll cut down to one and he can use the other, making it the same as any other day even if he wasn’t here.
He doesn’t have a liscence, the only way he would need a ride is to ask me, and I’d drive him. I pay for my car, gas, insurance, etc etc so that would be my problem, not theirs.
As I mentioned before, he doesn’t even know if he will be here for two months, if he doesn’t like it, he’ll continue on his journey.
I’m an ex drug user, am I the spawn of satan? Nope. I used 20 times more in a week then he has in a year.
So I told my mom I’ll live with him somewhere then if he can’t stay here. She’s not letting me. I said I’ll take care of myself and have my own responsiblities. She says “I can’t let my baby girl leave…”
Right now I’m keeping an eye out for a bachelor’s appartment or roomate wanted for him after the 2 weeks.
I’ve been out of the house for four years now. At first I didn’t understand the bill paying aspect of anything either.
I’m not a big eater at all, but I spend about $50 a week on groceries just for myself. And that’s getting the bare minimum with the cheapest brand I can find.
There’s all sorts of things that you take for granted. Toilet paper. You can’t share that. You can’t really limit your usage of it too much either. If you do cut down that one shower and let him use the extra water, he’s still not going to use your towel. That has to be washed along with his other clothes. That’s electricity and water cost right there. He’ll be using things like soap, shampoo, tooth paste. It all costs money.
Also getting a place of your own isn’t as easy as you think. There are damage deposits that need to be paid. Most places won’t even rent to you unless you sign a lease for a year. And when you do that you have to have proof that you have the money for the place (generally you have to make 3x the rent in a month). If you can’t do that then you have to have a co-signer which by your last post doesn’t seem like your mother is too willing to do it.
Then you have to have utilities turned on prior to moving in. If you don’t have good credit yet there is normally a deposit. Then there’s the fee for turning on the service.
I live in a relatively cheap area compaired to the rest of the continent. I spend $365 for rent, about $30 on electric (I also suffer with no air conditioning right now), $20 for my phone which has nothing but basic services, $200 groceries and house hold needs, $20-40 a month on laundry. And then there’s the things that I don’t need or that don’t pertain to the household. Gas- $20-50 a month, if I want to go out once a week and drink a beer with friends- $20-50 a month. I don’t even think about going out to dinner.
Just to get my own place started I paid $20 to turn on electric, $50 for the phone. I had to buy my own bed and furniture. (And we’re talking about the cheapest stuff I could find second hand and my mattress is on the floor.) I spent about $300-400 on that.
I’m not trying to talk you out of doing it. I’m just trying to show you that there’s a lot more to the cost of a household, whether it is an apartment or your parent’s house, than you think there is.
Talked on the phone. No (we didn’t know how long he would stay…it started out as a short visit), yes (once we decided he would stay, he got a job, and all of his income returned to the household in one way or the other) and yes, he was free of addictive drugs.
But like I said in my post, I totally understand the caution her parents are exhibiting. It could work out really well (like my situation did) or it could be a total catastrophe. Either way, she should just be happy with the 2 weeks they’re willing to give for now.
It’s not just the financial costs hon, it’s also the mere fact that another person in the household adds to the strain felt by all those who already live there. In other words, if a lodger is paying, say, $400 per month, some of the inconveniences of having him live there might be overlooked, compared to someone who was not paying their way or only a minimal amount. It is HARD sharing accomodation, and why in hell should your folks have to accomodate a person they DON’T know (and for that fact, neither do you) just to be ‘charitable’.
I once had a friend stay over because he was in between homes. He said that his lease was up and that he was signing the papers for the house he was buying. His wife was out of the area and he didn’t have a place to stay.
He assured me it would be only “a few days”.
Well, a few days turned into a few weeks.
Let me tell you, that saying about fish and guests starting to stink after three days is spot on.
It was extremely annoying to have a third party in our house. We felt like we lost our privacy, even though he did his best to not be in the way.
In short, I asked him, nicely, to please find another friend to stay at.
There is no way on earth I would ever put up with another visit from a non family member for that long. I don’t think your parents should either.
I won’t berate you for expecting so much of your parents, Trancey (although I don’t think the other responses have been out of line), but here are two anecdotes - from both points of view - to give you food for thought. [Background: I’m twenty and haven’t lived with my parents for two years - out of convenience, because we’re a very close family.]
1 - I recently moved for an internship, three hours from my hometown. My best friend from college lives in the city of my internship, and offered to have me stay with her for the summer. She lives in a small house with her very nice mom and her very nice sister, who I do not know very well. While the idea was enticing - I would pay rent, but nothing compared to getting my own place - I thought about space issues. And how suddenly there’d be a strange (to them) toothbrush on the sink every morning. And how I look first thing in the morning. And how I’d deal with the evening meal - would I feed myself, while they have dinner as a family? And how it’d be if I wanted to stay out late one night. It sounded like fun to live with my friend and her family, but in the end…it wouldn’t have been worth it. I’m shelling out the big bucks, but it just would have been a burden to them if I was around all the time.
2 - When I was seventeen, an internet guy friend and I got the idea that he should come down and stay at my house (with my family) a few days, because we had never met IRL. I’d been talking to this guy for maybe four years, but he was several years older than me. I casually mentioned it to my mom; she actually debated for a few seconds, but decided against it. I remember being so excited at the prospect, but in retrospect, what the hell was I thinking? It’s not healthy to allow a guy - who would have been nearly finished with college if he hadn’t have dropped out and is so interested in a girl still in high school - from the internet to stay with you. And I may be old-fashioned for saying so, but I think it’s inappropriate as well.
Anyway, my point was that I’ve been on both sides of where you are. It’s exciting to be at that point where you’re almost grown up enough to do those things, but from both a logistical and a safety standpoint, it’s best that your friend find his own place - IMHO, without you there too.
If she has you chained to the wall, you should be contacting the authorities instead of posting on a message board. If not, please explain how exactly she is preventing a mature worldy-wise adult such as yourself from leaving?
For some reason you seem willing to accept that your mom is capable of preventing you from moving out on your own, yet you bridle at her having a say on whom you invite as houseguests and for how long. Silly silly child.
I have never said that your parents are right in this issue, or any other aspects of how they run their household. In fact, as you present it, they seem pretty fucked up. But, AFAIAC, such judgments are irrelevant to whether or not they have the primary say on what goes on in their house.
Look, having a guest, let alone some stranger, in your house is an INCONVENIENCE! He needs a place to sleep and eat. It’s one more person using the shower or the TV or the radio. I’m sure eventually he will make friends in his new town and want to have them come over. Not to mention the inconvenience of him selling all the family valuables to support his drug habbit!