This could be ugly or beautiful, or both.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Here’s the skinny. I had a largely long distance relationship with my bestfriend’s girlfriend’s best friend which ended after 3 months back in January. Reason, her father wanted to get together, sip coffee, and talk about my personal relationship with Jesus. Now to be fair, I do come from a religious background, and I told her ‘Looky here, I can fake this, but I think it’d be best if we regretfully cut this short’. She’s 18 (I’m 21), I’d been her first relationship of sorts, and I’m not terribly experienced in the love department myself (but I’m not the introverted, mouth-breathing, net lurker you may be imagining).

SO, the fate of our relationship was partially due to her parents being unspeakably strict, and she blamed them. And with that she fell from grace (a long drop from choir girl to normal behavior), and has recently been given an ultimatum by her parents; follow the rules or live elsewhere. I think they figured she wouldn’t have the gonads, alas she did, and has been living by the good faith she’s stored in people over the years, spending a night or two at a handful of friends in rotation through the week as she finishes her semester, doing clinicals etc (nurse in training, bless her). So anywho, after a pregnancy scare (met a bar fly through a friend of a friend, and decided she liked the feeling of control over a man, teased him too much, and he took what he wanted, her words not mine(P.S. would’ve been her first time to boot)).

Where was I… oh yah. So I get a late night call a few weeks back as I’m the last person she feels she can talk to about this pregnancy thing. At the time I’d just stumbled home from le’ club and sobriety wasn’t something I could fake, and eventually tossed out the idea that she move in with me during the summer. Of course she balked and told me I wasn’t thinking straight (smart girl) and that it wasn’t the type of thing to be taken lightly. Needless to say over the course of a few weeks, we’d convinced each other that we could make it work.

Her parents would be horrified, my parents might wince but would otherwise be supportive. I understand completely that going from long distance to living together is a canyon I might not be able Knievel. But I was reluctant to get into a long distance relationship in the first place, and it was simply the way that she bowled me over that convinced me otherwise. Bloody hell… the decisions made anywho. Anyone got some words of wisdom? Run like hell? Keep the toilet seat down?

P.S. we’ll be living with three other randomly assigned roommates in college summer housing (and she technically can’t stay more than 9 nights a semester :P), the room is bite sized, she’s from a different city and knows practically no one here.

I’m looking forward to giving ‘us’ the chance we deserved in the first place, and looking forward to having her in arms reach round the clock, and looking forward to having a summer that would otherwise be spent watching alot of sports and playing WoW. But I also know this’ll be as positive an experience as we’re capable of compromising (which I’ve got faith in).

(yeah… that was the skinny :P)

HALP!

2

DUDE.

Slow down.

Ask yourself some questions.

  1. Are you doing this to stick it to her dad, to prove something to yourself, to have a woman (rather than this woman) close by, because you have a savior complex, because you have an overly altruistic sense? **WHY are you doing this? ** This is a very important question you have to ask yourself, and the conversation with yourself should take along time and you should ask yourself many follow-up questions.

  2. Will she be living with you officially or will this be a “my girlfriend’s staying over. A LOT.” kinda thing? Will your roommates (who you haven’t met yet) be cool with this? One more person in a suite situation can be critical mass- colleges pack 'em in tight as it is.

  3. What is the status of your relationship? Are you guys dating? Are you physically intimate? Will there be emotional issues with the proximity or with your sleeping arrangements?

  4. Is she just rebelling? I mean, she’s 18 and you’re 22 and there’s no way to diminish the intensity of what you’re feeling right now, but, objectively/big-picture-wise, is there any chance at permanence here? This is another question that has to be considered seriously.

  5. Logistically speaking, will you two be able to live together? Because “having somebody around” is cool and all, but then they’re around all the time. And that takes some getting used to.

Trust me on this, I know what I’m talking about.

3

You’re siccing a fourth person on three people who already have three roommates?
And that fourth person doesn’t pay rent?

4

Your friend who is a girl needs to get her head on straight. If she’s going to live on her own, she needs to support herself, not mooch off everybody or just go from boyfriend to boyfriend. She also needs to take charge of her own sexuality (probably very difficult for her, if she’s grown up in a very repressed household) and get some birth control and don’t expect drunk guys to know when to stop (yes, of course, they should stop when she says so, but in the real world, they don’t always).

You are not her saviour or knight in white armour - you can’t fix all her problems for her. She needs to stop, take a deep breath, and get her life back on track. Moving in with you is not the solution.

5

You’re not going to be able to rescue her. Let her rescue herself.

6

Good stuff to mull over Pup. I’m not doing this to stick it to her family in the slightest. I drove 8 hours to have afternoon tea with them, talk about the price of oil with the old man, and play Scrabble with her little sister. I don’t want to be at odds with her family, not now, not then. And yeah, I think I might be doing this to prove something to myself, I dunno what in particular, maybe to see if I’ve got the mustard. To have a woman close by? Absolutely. This woman? Doubly. And yeah, as you guessed I’ve got a history of putting my balls on the line for people who aren’t gonna give a pinch of gopher shit afterwards, but part of the reason she’s got me twitterpated is the lengths she goes for me, and the gratitude I’m given for getting my balls out.

And it’ll be an official living arragement, though not technically allowed. I know of several couples that pull it off, and the Resident-Advisors generally turn a blind eye to it. What the new roomies will think is my biggest worry, I’m be moving over into the new townhouse ASAP so I can get to work assessing and schmoozing. Yes the living arrangements will be tight. I keep telling myself that my parents had it worse (as a dating couple, I’m not entertaining marriage BTW). Oh, and yes she’ll be paying half my rent, she insisted, she also doesn’t let me pay for diner when we go on dates, though I’ve been able to pay before she could stop me a couple times.

The status of our relationship is… check-is-in-the-mail I suppose. She caught a ride down with a group of friends she generally dislikes to see a band that she has no interest in so she could spend an afternoon with me. We’ve practically got every intention of letting open the gates on all the things we couldn’t get done via long distance. Physically intimate? No sex so far, and as she’s been climbing off the God horse, I’m not sure where she stands there. But we’ll be sleeping in the same bed regardless, I’m sure that answers the question by default for both of us.

Is she rebelling? There’s got to be an element of that in there somewhere… I mean, this past half year or so has been the classic rebellion phase of a sheltered kids life, she’s experiencing all the things we got out of the way back when we were 16. I tell myself it’s rebellion for the sake of her sanity, rather than rebellion for the sake of spite. And as far as permanence, though I keep the extra long term stage out of my mind, she does fit the bill, very nicely shrug is wrong-time wrong-place gonna cut it later on when I regret passing this up?

Finally, the biggest unknown remains what it’ll be like living with her day in day out. The devil’s in the details. Can anyone one relate to me what it’s like diving into living arrangements like these at this age? Oh yeah, we’re both tidy people, and as far as I can tell she’s got no peeves, habits, or superstitions I need worry about.

7

It’ll be sticking a girl in my room, in a townhouse already containing four guys. She’s insisted on paying half my rent (it’s a college owned townhouse complex). I admit, I’m leery about what they’re going to think. But I’ve got faith in her ability to be discreet.

8

Have you considered how things are with her? She’s in a mess, personally and family-wise, and you’re the best hope she has to not have to face that. What happens when she starts to regret this rebellion and wants to work things out with her family? What happens when she decides this isn’t what she wants her life to be like, and she needs to go back to the beliefs she grew up with? She needs to have a life before she can share it with someone else. And she needs her own sleeping place before she shares one with you. You guys having sex shouldn’t be by default, just because there wasn’t any other place for her to go. She should be able to decide, freely, if she wants to have sex with you, and this isn’t the way to help that happen.

And all those things go for you, too. Relationships shouldn’t happen just by default, because somebody didn’t have another viable choice.

9

Perhaps he’s afraid you’ll be cheating on his daughter by fooling around with Jesus.

10

You have a flair for writing about this situation, but I have to be honest that I think there are a lot of red flags here:

-She’s only 18, and still trying to figure out her identity, so there is a high chance that she will end up growing into someone who isn’t compatible with you regardless of how good both of your intentions may be right now.
-You guys barely know each other. Three months is not a very long time to know someone even if you had been dating in person, much less if it was mostly a long distance love affair
-Living in a tiny space togehter (especially with other strangers that you may end up having personality clashes with) is a big strain to put on a young relationship. Many a couple has ended up breaking up over the stress of being together 24/7 on a vacation or such.

Obviously you seem to be aware there are some risks here and still want to go ahead, so none of us can stop you from giving it a try, but I think it’s important to have a back-up plan in mind. Try to have a plan for what you’re going to do if it turns out one of you needs to get away from the situation.

11

That first point is a good one. I had taken that perspective. I guess I’m still wrapped up in how being home isn’t where she wants to or should be. I know I’m making excuses for the situation, but her parents were raising her in a truly suffocating atmosphere (IMHO…). They’d hacked into her computer and read all the MSN transcripts we’d had, and refused to let us see each other with out their supervision (we’re talking nearly 19 and 21 years old…). They’d only pay for her education if she entering into a particular degree and lived at home. She’d have to ask to go out to see friends, and they wouldn’t let her get a drivers liscence. Unfortunately for them, they’d also raised a skeptical, intelligent, and curious daughter. The lid just blew off eventually. So that, I suppose, is why I hadn’t considered her staying and facing her family to be any option.

I probably should have mentioned that I’m still a virgin, despite a few girls best efforts. Sorry, I would have mentioned it, but it’s a bit embarassing. It used to be a religious thing, now it’s just a sacred hangover, not quite feeling like it should be something to simply get out of the way (but I’m almost there). So needless to say, she will decide freely if she wants sex, and I’ll also give her the option to sleep in the bed, and I’ll take the air mattress.

And in closing, the relationship has already crossed the starting line. Simply put, she still wants me, and I still want her. When she came down for a visit, we didn’t spend the afternoon just watching TV.

I’m not sure how to best bring all this up with her. With sentence structure and syntax probably. I don’t want to piss all over the positive energy before she even gets here eh?

12

Yeah… I see the red flags too :frowning: I would’ve been balls to the wall and not given a damn what you guys think otherwise :slight_smile:

And yes, a backup plan should definitly be in order… her being nearly moneyless, and this being for all intents and purposes the epitomy of a leap of faith, the only plan B she’s got is going back home, so I suppose if things are circling the drain I best send her home wishing she’d never left eh? Kidding :stuck_out_tongue:

13

You want to date her, and she wants to date you, so why do you want to go and put the cart waaaaaaay before the horse and just move into the same room together immediately? Is there no way she can rent a room with people who aren’t you in the same town as you so you can start dating like normal people?

14

How irreversible would the living conditions be?

How readily would you be able to (financially, or otherwise) in assisting her to live elsewhere if things don’t work out? A fire escape is essential, especially since the relationship is relatively tenuous as it stands (long distance stuff like that only means so much).

Can you REALLY understand what it’s like for somebody who’s basic habits and MO you don’t really understand to suddenly move in with you?

I have no doubt your intentions are pure and given the roommate’s go ahead, I (as a 21 year old) wouldn’t outright discourage it. We’ll be kids when we want to be, and you’ll get a good life lesson out of it no matter how it turns out, good or bad. Just be prepared to understand the consequences of the “bad” side. I don’t want 3 months from now a “I NEVER SAW THIS COMING!?! OMG MY HEART IS BROKEN!!eleventy!!11!” thread about how she suddenly slutted out to your roommates, stole your PS2, and skipped out on rent.

ETA: of course, that last was a worst-case scenario, and I seriously doubt it’ll get that bad, but understand the potentially life-shattering (especially if you’re particularly attached to your virginity and give it to her, which would get a :rolleyes: from me, but still)

15

I might be a little peeved were I to be one of your roommates at school. Do you each have your own private rooms? How’s the bathroom situation? Shouldn’t she be paying 1/4th of the rent instead of just 1/2 of yours? You’re putting your new roommates on the spot. If you ask them if they’re ok with it they’re going to look like jerks if they say no.

Marc

16

Living conditions would be quite fluid. As it stands I’m driving out to pick her up and bring her down, so if things faulter it’ll be a matter of helping her pack up and take’n her back t’where I got’er from, whether that be with her parents or with some friends.

We’re both very level headed and reasonable individuals (too much so at times), so I don’t forsee my balcony window spewing forth clothing, personal effects, and screams followed by much door slamming during some midsummer night. But as I said before she’s scraping by with what money she’s got (her parents wouldn’t let her work outside the family business, so she couldn’t save up much cash). I work myself hard during the summer, and I’ve got parents that know when it’s appropriate to crack a wallet, so I’m not worried about resorting to spam or living in my VW.

And no, I don’t really understand what it’s going to be like living in very close proximity to a young woman for the first time, part of the reason I’m soapboxing this. Two humans can’t be that different… can they?

And a hearty lolerz for the last comment :smiley:

17

That’s something she could do once the new semester starts and she’s got some cash. Right now she’s strapped. Fortunately she’s very employable as a nurses assistant and wouldn’t have any trouble finding work in any quadrant of the city (as you’d know, featherlou, being a cowtowner yourself). The convenience of the living and money situation goes part and parcel with the relationship. Too bad one can’t live on if the other implodes :dubious: .

18

A blasé attitude now, but when she’s settled and you’ve been in that arrangement for some time it might not be quite the same. But then, the anticipated reason for her moving out would be a fight, hence, she’d be more than willing to pack up and leave and you’d say good riddance. But what about one-sided disaffection? You have to be prepared for her to move out even if you may still like/love her, and she has to be prepared for you falling out of like with her and wanting her gone.

Resorting? Spam’s my first line of defense!! :wink:

Well… yeah they can. Now, as it happens, my experience with living with somebody was a de facto arrangement where we actually had two separate places that we could retreat to, but basically lived together. Now, believe me, the fact that we COULD get time apart was crucial sometimes. Human nature and the nature of people our age (especially her, the next 3 years are incredibly crucial, I’ve found, and lead to some stunning changes in people, I’m exhibit A) mean that ya might want to get a comfy couch, or even a fouton for the living room.

19

I’d probably be peeved if I were my own roommate too. It’s a four bedroom, two bathroom townhouse. We’ll all share a fullsized kitchen and livingroom. Everyone pays the same $550 a month regardless of whether or not the unit has four tenants or one. I’m reeeally hoping I get assigned to three righteous dudes that’re cool with everything. But experience tells me you’ll get one cool guy, one lazy ass stoner, and someone that doesn’t speak english, but is happy to play scales well into the night. The story I’ve concocted is ‘Oh, my girlfriend is gonna stay a few nights til she can find a place, hope you guys don’t mind’, then settle into ‘It’s impossible to find a place in the damn city… tell yah what, I’ll do your dishes for the entire summer’. If it comes right down to it, we could always offer to pay one fifth of everyones rent. And yeah, I know I’ll be putting them on spot if I ask, so I’m hoping that being the most benevolent, kind, and cheerful roommates one could ask for will do the trick. Look for a “OGDAMN ROOMIES ARE EATING OUR FOODZ AND I CAN’T SAY SHIT!!1!!” thread in a couple months.

20

tvvat, it is very important that you prepare some way for her to have a little bit of privacy – a space where she can be alone and not be bothered by anyone. Even when I travel with my husband on a trip, I have a way of making that space: I take a broad-brimmed floppy hat and my big sunglasses. I can alway add my Bose headphones if I need to shut out noise.

If you have to hang a blanket from the ceiling, give her her own space – however small – to sulk or cry or read or pout or think or whatever she needs to do.

Living together, no matter how compatible you are, is going to be difficult. Did you have brothers and sisters that you loved? Did you get along with them perfectly welll? It is even harder when tender feelings are involved.

Add to that the angst of being 18 and trying to be independent of your parents for the first time and knowing that they are displeased with you.

Add to that the problems that go along with becoming a sexually active adult.

Add to that the problems of being broke.

Add three additional unknown roommates and a tiny apartment.

You must have an alternate plan in mind for her and one in mind for yourself. You are going to need options.

BTW, is she covered by medical insurance?