Friend housesitting for my parents...am I being ridiculous?

In My Humble Opinion
21

No, I wouldn’t meet someone three hours after I got into bed. But I would meet them around the time I normally went to bed for a one-off situation, or half an hour before I went to bed if I was that exercised about missing half an hour of sleep one day out of my life. If neither of those worked, I would leave the key somewhere accessible to her along with a note about the stuff that she needs to know immediately and show her the rest next week.

Frankly, if I were so horrifically busy that spending half an hour showing someone around the house would make me miss all my time with my family for the day, I’d be glad to get rid of that extra 20-minute errand (5 to drive there, 5 to drive back, 10 do what needs doing there). If, of course, it were really my busyness and time that were the root issue here, which it clearly isn’t.

22

Your parents raised you and gave you the foundation to be self-sufficient. Be grateful. And now repay them by helping them out when they need you. If that means showing the ins and outs of their home for a housesitter, that’s what it means.

This person has always been a good friend and she is trying to accomodate your schedule. Now stop with the pettiness and give her the key already.

23

I think you’re taking it a little tpp personally. Your parents probably thought you would like a break from taking care of their house. Did you ever mention in an offhand way that you’re super busy? They could have taken that as a cue to do something different this year. They certainly don’t know about all the complex feelings you have for your best friend, I’m sure they imagine you two having a good time hanging out and visiting in their house. Plus it is better to have someone living at your house if you’re gone a long time. What if a water line breaks or something. Some things can’t wait a couple of days until they’re discovered.

Next time you’re at the house leave the key in a hidden place or with the neighbors and write her a note about household quirks. If she can’t figure something out she can call you.

24

It comes across to me like you are trying to punish her in some way by not giving her the keys because you are either annoyed at or jealous of her lifestyle and choices, and miffed at your parents for asking her to housesit.

I’m really getting a dance monkey dance vibe from you regarding the key transfer. Can’t you just write a note with what she needs to know and leave the note and the keys with your boyfriend and let her pick it up from him?

25

Wow, where to begin? (This is going to be long!)

I guess, with a thank you to everyone who replied.

First of all, I promised myself that I wouldn’t be a typical poster and ask advice/opinion and then whine when I didn’t like it. I got all prepared to post indignant “you don’t understaaaaaand”.

Instead, I read the responses when I woke up today and thought. And thought and thought.

What are my issues

#1. I like having the key to my parents house and my space. But they asked Linda to housesit, so … ok. I am worried she is going to drive my parents car as they asked but with Toyota recalls I think I can head that one off at the pass. So…we don’t always like stuff that others decide. Big deal.

#2. Im way overtired this week, plus have a bunch of extra meetings/stresses. My son’s educational iand health ssues are currently very time consuming, I have probably spent 5 hours on meetings/phonecalls, assessments and appointments in the last week. After school the “precious family time” that was mentioned includes doing some physio and some remedial learning excercises. Thats not Linda’s issues, but when I was not getting any sleep before 10 am and getting up at 3pm for 4 days in a row it was wearing on me. I wasn’t sleeping, and simple tasks like planning suppers was making me cranky. Today I got to sleep a full 7 hours, and I can look at things objectively. I do think however that people just don’t understand that when you work at night you still need sleep and don’t have “all this extra free time to hang out”

  1. The friendship has felt a little off-kilter lately. Since she doesn’t drive her car in winter, and depends on a ride into town with her old fashioned parents that only go into town at most twice a week she was depending on me to either be available when her parents came into town or to go get her. I’m tired of having to be the one to get her places. I am also tired of having to host our get-togethers unless I want to go out to a restaurant, (and its always sushi, or indian food, or pricey organic cafe, never a sandwich shop or Tim Horton’s for just a coffee) because she lives with her parents. She may not have the career or the income I do, but I also have more places to put every dollar than she does. Am I jealous she spends 10,000 or more yearly on travel? Yes, but I chose my life. (And I chose it, it pretty consiously 13 years ago, it didn’t “just work out that way”) In my more emotional moments I think “Linda you cant just up and leave half the year and then complain you don’t have a house to come home to.” (Which was her theme last fall…again, on examining my above posts more clearly I realized was some of the background) Does this make me petty? Maybe, but come on, I am human, I work hard and am trying to keep it together. Somedays thats tougher than others.

Anyway, once I distilled these separate issues, I picked up the phone and called her. Tomorrow after work, I will go have one last good sleep at Mom’s (between having a 6 year old at home, my boyfriend’s home business phone ringing off the hook, and general distraction the weekend is not great for sleep at home) and then her sister will drive her there at 4, and we will go over the stuff, have a coffee and then I will go home for supper) She also apologized for her misconception that I WASN’T taking care of my parents place… (I am not sure how this arose, but my Dad gets ideas into his head about things and tends to express himself poorly at times)

So, despite my initial negative reaction to most of the viewpoints, I again want to thank everyone. My boyfriend had urged me to post this, and “realize how you sound”, and I guess I got it handed to me. Food for thought, and “one to grow on” Also time to be a better friend, or figure out if we have become too divergent.

26

I’m wondering why this option wasn’t given more consideration. It certainly would have been the easiest for you. Would it have meant releasing too much control?

I’m not being judgmental about your feelings. I can identify with them a little from my past.

27

Wow, I go to this big self realization and post how I came to an epiphany and it still wasn’t good enough for you? Had to take one more poke, did you? Mostly because of

and because she is high strung and gets flustered when things don’t work perfectly. My parents did want me to show her these little things (they did want me to look after the house for the last two months before she came back, and ultimately I am still responsible as her instructions are to CALL ME FIRST if anything goes wrong) and since it is winter if the door isn’t closed exactly there can be frost heave issues. It’s more of a show don’t tell kind of thing. I would have to show her that eventually, and sometimes an ounce of prevention… Also my parent’s house is older, has some character things that are not necessarily standard (water main to half the house in an odd place.)

But sure, control issues. Yes, ok, I like to make sure that the person house sitting for my parents doesn’t actually do damage to the house. Anyway time to get out of here, and go get some sleep.

28

Good for you. Feedback like you received in this thread is not easy to take, but you’ve been mature enough to listen to it and consider it. To admit you might have been having the wrong reaction in the first instance shows your maturity and willingness to grow. Kudos.

29

That’s some impressive work there. Good for you.

FWIW, I know sort of how you feel. Many years ago, I house/cat sat for 3 weeks while a coworker was away. A month after that, my mother was going to be traveling for 2 weeks and she asked a friend of my sister’s to housesit. When she outlined what she had asked him to do, I said, “So…basically what I just spent 3 weeks doing for Ann?” and she said, “Yup, basically.”

::shrug:: My back got up about it but, in the end, it was one less thing off my plate.

30

That’s it! Take it out on your parents for not having forsight to get her some keys, and assuming that you’d be an adult about it and hand them over. The best part is that you get to use her as a scapegoat toi your parents as to why their kind offer went unutilized!

31

Mona, Kudos for being able to look at the situation objectively and allowing the Dopers to give feedback and advice. Rich

32

Just out of curiosity, what do you think I should have told my parents about things that I know about or Linda has told me in confidence?

That she went off her psych meds three years ago because she thinks they are toxic and poisoning her? (and goes for some kind of detox foot bath thing regularly to detoxify her) That she doesn’t drive in winter because she wrote off a vehicle she flipped (sometime around the time she first went off meds, I have never nailed down the time line if she was on or off them), and for a year after that she did not drive at all? That last year when the printer at the office (she was temping for my boyfriend as a receptionist for 6 weeks) jammed and she could not get it to work she had an anxiety attack and had to leave work (getting a ride home from me) for the afternoon because of hyperventilating. Is this their business or not? I didn’t tell them because they know and like her, but understand why I had some odd feelings about letting her have the keys and just doing her thing.

I went through my own process, she is coming over this afternoon. (I need more sleep… …)but this was part of why I wasn’t going to just toss her the keys. I asked, I took advice, but I am curious, what should I have disclosed if anything to them. In general my friends confidences are no one elses business, unless they are a danger to themselves or others. (Or minor children are involved) And for the printer jam issue, I know this about her as an employer, I certainly can’t go around telling people this, but it doesn’t make me confident about just handing off the keys.

33

Since I said nothing whatsoever about getting back at her parents, you’ve obviously decided to project your bizarre fantasy of what I said onto what I actually said. Maybe next time, you could reply to my actual post.

34

No. Linda is house-sitting, she’s not performing open-heart surgery on one of your parents. Keep perspective here - how much of that is really going to reflect on her ability to house-sit?

35

From what you described, she seems like a real piece of work. Too high strung to drive in winter? Panic attack that the printer doesn’t work? Lives with her parents/single at 40?

Does she have any other friends? I kind of wonder if this person latched on to you early on in some point and you’re just used to her mannerisms.

36

I don’t get why you can’t still drop by the house for me time. Is it a one bedroom house?

37

You could have said something to your parents to the effect of “There’s a lot that I know about Linda that you don’t. For reasons I can’t really share with you, I think this is a very bad idea. I want the best for you and your house, plus if something goes wrong while you’re away then I’m the one who will have to deal with it. Please just trust that I know what I’m talking about here.”

Of course maybe you did say that, but if so then you have an issue with your parents, who expect you to help with their house but don’t trust your judgement, and put you in a situation where you may have to deal with someone else’s mess. But that’s different from the problems you have with your friend, which are real problems – despite what you’ve said about her I don’t think you can fault her for accepting a house-sitting offer that was offered fairly. And dragging your feet on the keys doesn’t get you any closer to finding a way to deal with the other stuff that you’ve mentioned here.

38

Wow, way to project. I said nothing because it is only house sitting, and before she went on her three month trip she seemed on an even keel. Also I am used to the tricky door, the weird water main, the rituals my parents have about the light and dark cycles for their plants they are trying to “force” and so on. Every house has their quirks. It was only later I thought about the printer episode last year which, to be fair, was the only anxiety attack I have seen from her in 10 years) and when my boyfriend tried and failed to lock the back door that I figured, oh wow I need to orientate her.

Or whatever, its a control issue, and I hate my parents and I want my friend to live a loney life in the country and I’m full of hate. I worked through my issues objectively after listening to the majority of responders. I just wondered what you would mention if you were in my situation. But you know, keep poking.

39

huh?? I used the word “maybe”. that’s what I would have said to my parents, if they ignored me then I would feel that I have a problem with them. I was just trying to answer the question that you asked.

40

You are responsible to your parents and should have told them of her mental issues. This is not someone I would want driving my car.

That ship has sailed. I’m assuming your parents are not home otherwise I would let them train her. All you can do now is make a set of keys for her and let the chips fall where they may. Tape your phone numbers to the fridge and train her as best you can.