nyctea scandiaca, you’re out of line here and acting like a 5 year old. If this person means as much to you as you say, you really should appologize.
Was there a lot of glue-huffing going on at past parties?
Where’s the “more later” on how y’all are working it out?
Were I B, Nyctea, I’d tell you to go to hell at this point. Absent an apology, I’d find your behavior totally and completely obnoxious. I am FLABBERGASTED that you’ve read this thread and absorbed so little, that you cut your friends so little slack, that you maintain such tremendous self-righteousness in the face of overwhelming evidence that B’s behavior is well within accepted boundaries of society.
Daniel
Nyctea, does B read the SDMB? If so, you won’t need to cut your ties to that brute. After what you’ve said here about him, anY man with an ounce of self-respect would avoid you like the egocentric plague you are.
First, coming out to you does not mean coming out to his family - almost every gay person I know came out in stages, so to speak. First to friends, then co-workers, then family (or whatever the order is).
Second, if he’s that afraid of coming out, then I’d think he really needs a friend who is gay-friendly. This goes beyond any party, New Year’s Eve or otherwise.
Third, the fact that “lots of men” stay in the closet doesn’t make it right.
Fourth, if he’s not gay and you’re treating him like he was gay, doesn’t this seem wrong (for the record, I’d have similar issues treating a friend as straight when he was gay). I mean, our sexuality is such a basic part of ourselves. My best friend (who I’ve known longer than 20 years, thankyouverymuch and a hearty fuck you), for example, got involved in a poly- relationship, and I was the first to know, and I know that my acceptance of that helped him accept that part of himself. How can you call yourself close to this person if he doesn’t trust you enough to tell you this? Frankly, your blatant dismissal is, well, odd IMHO.
This is the Pit, right?
quote:
Originally posted by nyctea scandiaca
Let me point out that I never said I was going to end the friendship over this!
Have you considered maybe that
YOU aren’t the only one who has the power to end a friendship? I’m just sayin’.
I’m not trying to be ugly here, because I am totally with you on the disappointment and angry bitter thing, really. My opinion is that you’ve gone a bit far, and as you have no doubt read right here in this thread similar friendships have been ended over less. Just want to help you make sure that all the beauty you see from that moral high ground…well, is worth it.
Well, I still think you’re in love with the guy, whether it’s romantic love or obsessive platonic love, your feelings for and dependence on this dude are way beyond your basic best-friendship. (I’m of the opinion that just about every friendship starts with a crush, whether it takes on a romantic tone or not, so I think you can be in platonic love.) Tons of people have extremely close friendships, many of them here are telling you that you are overreacting (that’s what you asked, isn’t it?) It appears to me that his feelings of friendship may not be as intense as yours. Has it occurred to you that maybe he’s trying to get a little breathing room? Maybe he wants to branch out and hang with some new people. He was trying to make everything ok with you and S having a party on the same night by suggesting you combine them, which says to me that he knew you’d freak out over this. Maybe he’s tired of you freaking out over things like this. Are you one of those dramatic types who always has a crisis and feels compelled to involve everyone around them?
One of the joys of friendship is that you don’t have that horrible obligation family or romantic partners come with. Friends are a respite for those other, more stifling relationships in life. It’s obvious that you place way more importance over New Year’s Eve than he does, and as his friend, you should try to understand. Yes, I know, you think HE should be the one trying to understand, but try to make a little effort here. (Yes, I know, you’re ALWAYS the one that makes the effort) Sure it’s disappointing, but you shouldn’t try to throw a leash on the guy. Forcing someone into a tradition that they don’t seem to hold so dear is not productive for a friendship.
What if all this crap you’re laying on him works and he feels so guilty that he doesn’t go to the other party? Would you be happy? Would you truly be happy that you badgered him into spending time with you when he’d rather be somewhere else? Does that sound like quality time to you? Is that a tradition you want to keep alive year after year?
And while it may be bad etiquette for him to split the parties down the middle, it’s even worse to pitch a fit over it. Miss Manners would never send a rude email to someone, she’d rise above the situation. Bottom line is that your rudeness outweighs his and you owe him an apology.
By the way, Will and Grace is a TV show. They get paid a ton of money to pretend that they spend every waking hour with each other. Theirs is a stifling friendship that I can’t imagine anyone would want for the rest of their lives. I think you need to lighten up and not expect him to react to you the way Will does with Grace every week. You mention that you’ve been ditched before by friends, could it be that you expect too much? That your idea of friendship is too intense for most people’s taste? I honestly believe you need to think about how much you require of your friends and cut them more slack. You sound like a lot of work and high-maintenance friendships have a way of burning out.
Thank you for finally mentioning the S word. nyctea, I don’t really know the nature of your relationship, but from everything you’ve said, you come across as pretty intense. Some people can’t handle friendships like that, and it seems that as they grow older, tolerance for such intensity tends to wane. Perhaps this is his way of telling you to give him a longer leash.
Other possibilities for his “rude” behavior:
-He would rather be involved in drunken debauchery than intellectual conversation.
-He figures that when you go to the bar, your party is over.
-He doesn’t want to spend the night in a bar.
-There will be someone at S’s party that he wants to put the moves on. By spending the night with you, he won’t have that opportunity.
-He accidentally accepted S’s invitation without thinking, and doesn’t want to be rude to her.
-He was hoping to combine the parties, and thought you would be amenable to the idea.
-(Unlikely) Aliens have invaded his brain.
-(Very likely) He feels smothered and trapped by your friendship, and needs some space.
Out of all those possibilities, you want to glom on to the one that you can take the most personally. Why?
Here is the best advice you will ever hear, and probably never heed: Learn to manufacture your own happiness, and stop measuring the worth of your own life by the loyalty you demand from others. I speak from experience on this.
Damn you, DeskMonkey, were you intentionally reading my brainwaves while I was posting?
Yes. Yes, I was. I like your advice at the end. I wanted to add something like that, but you must have been thinking abut something else at the time. 
No. No, it really isn’t, not as you’ve described the situation.
Breach Of Etiquette: Accepting an invitation and not showing up at all.
Not A Breach Of Etiquette: Accepting an invitation and then leaving after spending several hours at the event.
The only mistake B made (with the possible exception of getting mixed up with you in the first place was in telling you that he had made additional (and note these are additional, not other) plans. Not because telling you was a breach of etiquette, but because by telling you he has unleashed this shitstorm of psychodrama on himself and an unsuspecting public.
I recently invited a friend (S) over to spend the afternoon and evening playing XBox, watching movies and chatting. She agreed, we set a date and time, and I looked forward to it. I was expecting it to last until late evening as it usually did. S comes over and we start gaming. A few hours later, she tells me that another friend of hers lost her horse a few days previous. S invited her friend to visit at S’s house that night. So she left.
I was hurt. Disappointed. Felt as if I were less important than her other friend. But I said NOTHING to her, because it’s obsessive and rather psychotic to whine to your friend that you’re not getting enough attention. You should’ve learned this when you were about 15.
Sure, just like you, I could’ve told her how fucked up it was to ditch me like that. I could’ve said it was a shitty way to treat a friend. And I’m damn sure she would’ve felt that was rather psychotic on my part to react so over-the-top over what amounts to a minor thing. And I’m sure I would not have gotten a lovely email the next Monday thanking me for the wonderful time she had.
Being hurt is normal. Being disappointed is normal. Going psycho on your friend is not.
I suggest something like the following:
"Dear Best Friend,
I’m so sorry for that last email. I was hurt that you won’t be able to be at my party the entire time, and I reacted poorly. Please forgive me. I’m very glad you’ll be able to come to the first half of my party, and I hope you have a wonderful time at S’s place."
Oops, I realize my post made it sound like I was unsympathetic to S’s friend’s loss. I wasn’t at all. The disappointment was that they decided to get together on a night that S had already made plans, instead of another day.
ns, here’s a hint: when 90% of Dopers are telling you that you’re acting immature, you are. I’ve read every post, and you’re completely ignoring those that don’t support you, except to complain that everyone is being mean. Yep, Dopers are mean. Not out of cruelty, but out of honesty. Don’t come to the Dope expecting nothing but hugs when you’re acting an ass. If all you want is a pity party, you can find plenty of boards that don’t allow posters to tell people what a jerk they’re being.
If I had been B, upon receiving your email, I would have no contact with you until that contact was initiated with an apology for your uncouth behavior.
Um, DeadlyAccurate, as a horse owner myself, I can tell you that S’s friend was quite likely to be an emotional wreck at the loss of her horse – the bond between horse and owner is often more intense than that with other pets. This may have been the first time S was free to give her bereft friend an extended period of the emotional support she needed in her grief. Like holding her while she sobbed her heart out, say; or sharing, with tears and laughter, stories about the horse and friend’s life together.
That said, you did the right and classy thing, and behaved like a sensible adult and a caring friend. Which, of course, is why you have such a kind and caring friend who’d find a way to spend time with both of her friends, and thank you with such class herself for your time together.
Your suggestion of an email to try to repair the damage is lovely. I hope the OP takes it, before it’s too late.
When I first started reading it, I was prepared to reply with such things as “That was nicely stated, but you might want to rephrase that as…”. But no. I can’t improve on it. I agree with the assessment of “lovely.”
OK OK people, I was mean, I lost my temper. We have worked things out. I realized that it’s not a good idea to discuss such emotional matters over e-mail. Things always get blown way out of proportion. It was really all just a big misunderstanding…
I honestly have to say that you guys have been excruciatingly harsh on me. You have wayyyy exaggerated the situation, making me out to be some sort of psycho, which is really unfair. But hey, you’re entitled to your opinions. But I hope you will give me the benefit of the doubt and believe me when I say I am not nearly as bad as many of you have made me out to be.
Gee, I wish I had posted this in MPSIMS…
You’d have gotten exactly the same responses, minus a few profanities.
Gee, I wish you hadn’t posted it at all, ya big freak.
Sorry, that was stupid. It made for an interesting, Oprah-kinda thread.
Ahem The insane rarely know that they are. 
Glad y’all worked things out. Good on ya.