You know, a common complaint about selling on Craigslist is that if you post something for sale at $1000, there are people who will show up and offer less than $500 for it, even if they agree to the 1K during initial contact.
This is pretty much the same thing, only much more personal. These guys are telling the OP that she’s good enough to fuck every now and then, but not good enough to be a girlfriend. If everyone involved is looking for a FWB situation, that’s one thing. But trying to change the deal after the negotiations is another.
Right, but the exploitative FWB situation creates this unique self-righteous smigness in the exploiter: They are using someone and causing them pain, and they think honesty somehow removes all responsibility to be kind. They maintain willful ignorance to allow for indulgence.
It’s like someone who abandons a dog on the side of the road, and thinks that makes them a better person than the person that just shot the dog they didn’t want anymore. They are prolonging suffering so that they can lie to themselves about causing it.
Mature != exclusive. There’s nothing inherently immature about liking FWB relationships. I’ve had them in the past and likely will have them in the future, and as long as everyone is honest and actually treats each other as friends, they can work. I tend to prefer guys in open relationships, since they have their “one and only” and it’s pretty clear that we’re just each other’s piece on the side.
That being said, I agree that if that isn’t what she wants, that’s cool. And the guys misrepresenting what they want isn’t cool. A friend of mine braved the online waters specifically stating she wanted a Fuck Buddy, not even FWB, and she got a lot of guys who treated her like crap when they first met for coffee. Apparently a woman wanting NSA sex must obviously have something seriously wrong with her and guys can therefore treat her like she’s less of a person than a woman looking for love. :rolleyes:
Still, I don’t want to jump down the OP’s throat too far. She wants what she wants, and guys saying they want one thing while actually wanting another sucks. I wish you luck, and I hope you can find a fulfilling relationship sooner rather than later!
The OP can choose what kind of relationship she would like, and the men should not move the goalposts. I also agree that they way their offers were allegedly phrased along the lines of “you’ll do until I find someone better” would probably make me say “no thanks” too.
But I do think that both in the OP and in several other posts a feeling that FWB or casual sex are somehow wrong, immature or “using people” crept into the argument. The posters who picked up on this and objected are not in the wrong either.
Pookah, you are correct. In my initial post, I did judge the men that wanted FWB or casual sex as wrong and immature. I apologize if I offended anyone. I am calmer now and acknowledge that exclusive sexually relationships are not for everyone. If all parties are happy with casual sex, more power to them. My frustration came from having been very clear about what I wanted (not casual sex) and feeling disrespected when that was so blatantly disregarded.
She: I’m interested in a relationship
He: Sorry, no.
They part ways.
She: I’m interested in a relationship.
He. Sorry, no. How about just sex until we find what we’re looking for.
She. Sorry, no.
They part ways.
I don’t think they guy’s proposal was the most offensive thing I’ve seen today. Sure, she should reject the proposal as something she is completely uninterested in. Making a counter offer, and one that you are free to easily reject without pain or consequence, doesn’t seem like your feelings were “blatantly disregarded.” I don’t see the trauma in having to say “no” to “Do you want to be FWB?”
I agree- it’s a basic offer/counteroffer. I think people are taking this waaaay too personally. Just because a person doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship with you doesn’t mean they don’t respect you or they don’t think that you are “good enough.” There are billions of people I am not interested in having an exclusive relationship with, most of whom are perfectly decent people, just not my thing.
something else…at least in my experience. FWB ends up being pretty exclusive. Its more than a friend, and I have had several such relationships over the years. Usually the first thing that is asked is to be informed if there is anyone else “in play” and to be advised of any changes in that status. It can suck, especially if you really like someone…but you dont assume the FWB is in it long haul…it may develop into that…but its often a nice thing even if it does not last forever.
The other thing is the guys aren’t necessarily being misleading. Maybe they ARE looking for a relationship - just not with the OP. it doesn’t mean they (necessarily) pulled a bait and switch. They might just not be that into her. Or maybe they are into her, but not for 45 minutes (unless just for sex).
And there aren’t a whole lot of women who will upfront admit they are ok with a FWB. Most FWB end up that way by accident. It isn’t unreasonable for a guy to ask that - even if at first she said she wasn’t looking for something casual - as virtually every woman says that.
I bet if you asked 100 women (who ended up being FWB that resulted from meeting someone on an online date) on their first date (secretly - say in a poll when they went to the bathroom - but before it was obvious their was some incompatibility): “are you willing to be a FWB with this guy?” - that at LEAST 80 would say no.
I’m not saying disregard what she says, just that things change. If two people hit it off, but are not compatible for whatever reason - the guy (or gal) might say - I don’t think this will work, but how about we enjoy each other company for the time being.
And there can still be romance. Or more - at least in my experience - along the lines of passion. You can totally be into someone - but not want to spend the rest of your life with them. In some ways - this allows you to be more passionate. You can enjoy them for who they are - and not care about their flaws (in many cases at least). Some of my most passionate and meaningful moments were with women where we both realized we would never be in an exclusive relationship.
I think it depends on the situation and how the offers were being presented. As I’ve made very clear in previous posts, I’ve absolutely nothing against casual hook-ups, but there’s a time and place. I think it’s a bit disingenuous to say it’s only ever an honest offer - some people are into the more “old fashioned” get to know someone to settle down with school of thought. I think most people are well able to figure out if that’s what’s going on and they should respect those terms.
“I am a 56 year old woman and I just rejected up to 6 perfectly decent men for no good reason in the world, like at all they were perfectly decent and I rejected them just because I could. I Then dated two scum bags who were kind of cute and them dumped them for being scum bags why are there no good men left ?”
