owww! in an otherwise well-thought-out post, Tristan, you made what seems to be a glaring gaffe… if you’re dealing with an abuser, it doesn’t matter what you say, whether you deliberately antagonize them or are as meek as a mouse. THEY WILL FIND SOMETHING TO JUSTIFY THEIR RAGE AND VIOLENCE!
yes, i will certainly agree that things are not improved if their partner has issues of their own, whether of a history of prior abuse and/or exposure to it, or simply personality conflicts. in fact, the general dynamics of abusive relationships highly favor an abuser “hooking up” with someone who has been previously conditioned to accept abuse. (otherwise, their potential partner tells them they’re an insane monster and heads for the door–end of relationship.)
but that still overlooks the main fact: once abuse has entered into the couple’s dynamics of relating to each other, ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING is justification for the abuser to continue with that behavior. there is literally NOTHING the victim can say or do that cannot somehow be “construed” as goading the abuser into further violence. even never saying anything but “Yes, dear”, regardless of all provocation, will eventually get twisted in the abuser’s mind until it can be used as an excuse for another swing.
it’s so sick and so sad. and even sadder is the legacy it leaves with the children who grow up in this environment. they grow up believing this is the “normal” way that husbands and wives should live. why wouldn’t they, if that’s what they see day in and day out at home? it doesn’t matter if they see all their friends with families filled with decent, loving people…the poor kids “understand” that they’re just seeing the “company manners” while they’re visiting, and ‘everyone’ gets hit and slapped when strangers aren’t around.
excuse me…i really need to go get a chocolate fix after depressing myself like this.
Oh, dear god.
I know you’re scared and alone in a very strange place,Acrossthesea, but stop with the excuses. Please.
Your husband has the problem.
Not you.
Not the kids.
Not your friend.
Not the “damn family advocacy people.”
Remember the spike in spousal deaths at Fort Bragg? http://endabuse.org/newsflash/index.php3?
Search=Article&NewsFlashID=387
Your husband has a propensity for both violence and denial.
You have no guarantee that it will ever get better.
There will always be stressful situations in your l married life.
He will always have an excuse for his actions.
Unless, of course, he starts actually “owning” his behavior and working consistently to change it.
Living in fear sucks.
Being shoved sucks. What will come next will suck.
You can do better, trust me.
shoving can be deadly. i have seen the effects of it. i know of a man who was having an arguement with his wife, sadly the fight occured around stairs. he gave her a shove and she fell.
so many lives were ruined in a brief second. the woman died, the man went to jail, the children went to the maternal grandparents one would not speak the name of the father and the other would use his name as a curse. his parents were horrified and devastated by what had happened. they loved his wife, thought and treated her as a daughter not a daughter in law. they were not allowed to see their grandchildren.
the children did not do well between the attitude of the grandparents (only weak people need therapy, not my grandchildren), the burden of a jailed father who killed their mother, and witnessing the act (yes, they were home at the time.) they really did not have much of a choice, their lives were done in by one brief second. only as adults would they have the opportunity to get the help and therapy they desp. need.
i know you are in a far away place, away from all that is familiar, please, please, think of what effect this will have on the kids, on you, on your families. go to all the appointments, all the therapies, and if ness. to a safe place until all this can be resolved. if he doesn’t want to change he won’t. you will have to change.