From where the sun now stands, I will fight no more forever.

She sounds um, managerial to me as well. But then again, a REAL manager would not have done a half assed drink/date; a REAL manager would have rescheduled for a time when she could give you her full attention and vice versa. A RM would have closed this deal with a real date. If no magic etc, then move on. This is BS.

IMO, she sending you mixed signals. In my little blackened and cynical heart, I think she gets off a bit on the attention you paid her (nothing wrong with that), and wants it to continue w/o any true effort on her part (lots wrong with that). In the immortal words of Dan Savage: DTMFA.
I still say you should call her out on her shit somehow. I don’t think you can get away from saying something like “it’s OK” because to do otherwise gives her more power, not less. You need to approach the demise of this stunted non-relationship from a position of perspective and authority. You’re not a victim here (even though you kind of are)–you are an observer of human behavior and hers was “interesting”.
I’m sorry to hear she has a sense of the silly and of humor–I really wanted to not like her thoroughly.

This right here implies a little more to me than drinks. Maybe she’s uncomfortable taking the relationship to that level. You were only on your 2nd date. For me, ‘what do I get’ and the subtleties it implies, is not 2nd date banter. This exchange might have implied more to her than she was ready for.

I think eleanor has a pretty good summary.

The problem with a rescheduling of the drinks date is that I was already there. This isn’t to say that she shouldn’t consider it botched, but rather, that as long as I had already driven half an hour to get there, she wanted to at least come meet me.

You’re quite right when you say *You need to approach the demise of this stunted non-relationship from a position of perspective and authority. * Not bitter, angry, hurt…above all that.

Angry, I know what you mean but I don’t think that is what caused this. For one thing, it’s a question, lets her decide what I get. Two, her continuation (“a very nice time”) seems to refute that line of thinking, furthering it instead of extinguishing it. Since then, I think there have been three calls and I have never brought up the makeup date—she has every time.

I didn’t expect sex at all, believe me, and my hands didn’t wander during the date etc. At this point all I have is the WAG, of course. During the first date, I didn’t get an intensely interested vibe from her. I think she had a good time “as friends” but the romantic spark wasn’t so much there for her. I don’t think you can read those things reliably b/c some play it close to the vest etc. but that’s the best opinion I can give.

Of course. I didn’t mean that you should continue the charade. I meant that you should convey that you have a life, and that you won’t tolerate bad behavior from her. In a diplomatic way.

I’m not a guy, but I’m pretty sure the answer is “do whatever you’re more comfortable with and find a guy who matches.” I’ve broken up with guys in part because they weren’t willing or able to put enough time into the relationship. Then I went on my first date with my current boyfriend, on a Thursday. Our second date was Friday and lasted most of the weekend, and we spent most of our time together at either his place or mine until we moved in together six months later. We still like to spend a lot of our free time with each other; it’s just the way we’re wired. A friend/ex of mine and his girlfriend have a very different relationship where they don’t spend as much time together and often end an evening by each going home to their own apartment. They’re a great couple and clearly very happy with their relationship, but it’s different from what makes my boyfriend and I happy.

I woke up this morning feeling more at peace with the situation. Today’s conclusions are these…

  1. I don’t know what happened and probably never will. This could break down into:

A) My fault. Maybe something I said or did, such as what Angry said, and queered the deal.
B) Her fault. Maybe she hasn’t been dealing straight.
C) A combination of the above.

But at this point, we’re just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. If she were truly interested, she wouldn’t have let it go six weeks. Ferreting out the truth doesn’t change the fact that this one is dead in the water. Some people would counsel opening a dialog about it, but I think I resent her too much to be a good date, so there’s not much point in that.

It needs to be mentioned that in middle age, many of us are the walking wounded. It could be that she was really burned in a relationship and now she’s skittish. I don’t believe in reassuring such people because that’s a gaping pit you can never fill. And as I said, she seems to be managing me: I don’t have a way of knocking her out of that mode, nor do I have a right.

  1. Since why it happened can’t be known with certainty, it’s best to err on the side of conservatism and not jump to conclusions. All that remains is marching orders now.

Her latest “plan” was that we’d go out this weekend at the latest…12:00:01 AM Monday morning, I guess, is the drop dead. I think I’ll write her a brief email Sunday night stating that it’s clear this is never going to happen and I no longer wish to date her. No big accusations or anything, just a few incontrovertible facts. I don’t see the value in crossing swords with her but if she does, I’ll take that as it comes. While I’d normally feel that talking on the phone is the more “man up” solution, I think by virtue of her actions, all bets are off. Besides, I prefer being able to choose my words at leisure.

Maybe she does deserve to be taken to task on this but it doesn’t advance my cause. The downside includes reliving it, possibly losing my cool and saying some regrettable things, giving her some satisfaction by caring too much, whatever. There would be some satisfaction in putting her in her place, but I find that lasts 2-3 minutes and then I feel guilty so it isn’t worth it.

Thanks to all dopers for your input; I’ll keep you updated.

First draft:

*[No salutation]

When we had that drink after work, six weeks ago, you apologized for being late. You said that you strive to honor your word and you couldn’t let this client down. Ten minutes later, you left the bar and returned to work for that reason.

I assumed that there was a reasonable chance of you fulfilling your promise of another date to me. I recognize that other things in your life put demands on your time, but it turns out that anything and everything and nothing squeeze me out every time. Just two weeks ago you said we’d either go out during the week—you had the weekend reserved for a friend from Austin—or the following weekend. Here it is, another deadline passed.

As the saying goes, “If something is important, you make time for it; if it isn’t important, you make excuses.” I am naturally disappointed that you aren’t very interested in me, but I’m more bothered by the fact that you felt the need to continue playing this charade for six weeks.

There is no reason to continue insulting my intelligence. I now close this book once and for all.

[No closing]*

Awesome.

Don’t send it. Don’t send anything.

Don’t send that email. There’s nothing to end, so ending it makes you seem creepy. And don’t put it in writing. If you must say these things, say them in person, or at least on the phone.

Hmm, I like the idea of sending it because I hoped it would come across like a disconnection notice from the electric company. Startling, because you figured everything was hunky dory and somewhere, someone has already made a decision.

And, I figure this communication is going to happen one way or the other…I mean, she hasn’t let the matter die yet.

I’ll put the idea in the back of my mind that maybe saying nothing is better and see what other dopers say.

ETA: Maybe the thing to do is print it and have it by the phone. Then when she calls, read it…but don’t appear to be reading it. Add some pauses, say “How should I say this…lemme think…” and make it appear to be off the cuff.

One downside of sending it is that it appears I’ve put some thought into it. One downside of not sending it is that she may hang up before the whole message goes through.

I don’t get it either.

Lobotomyboy63, you’ve always struck me as a rational, reasonable poster. Why would you send this? You’ve moved on, now let it die to your thoughts as well.

Yes. You are putting too much thought into this, and it shows. You are going to come across as creepy for having obsessed (that is what it will look like to her) over her and the date situation and having built up all this resentment over it.

If I were you, I would just let this go and not worry about trying to teach her a lesson or anything of that nature by rejecting her. Just stop talking to her and find someone who has more time for you.

What’s wrong with “sorry, I’m busy” if she calls, and nothing if she doesn’t?

If she’s doing this to fuck with your head, then this elaborately written reaction is what she is looking for. If she just does things this way, then she isn’t interesting enough to you to put up with it.

If it’s over, it’s over. You don’t owe her anything, least of all an explanation.

I haven’t broken up with anyone in thirty years, so take it FWIW.

Regards,
Shodan

OK, this is weird…I replied and it appears to have disappeared into the vapors somehow.

Thanks for the posts. I didn’t have an issue with letting it go. Sure I was disappointed but around 4 July, I thought, ‘OK, that’s the way she rolls. I’m not going to get a call because she’s not interested. That sucks, but there’s nothing to be done about it. I’m better off without someone that rude, inconsiderate, yadda.’

Then about 16 July, she texts me. WTF? I’m mighty mighty skeptical but hey, see what happens. Ah, just more of the same BS?

If there’s no further communication from her, I could let it go—but if past behavior is any indicator, that’s not going to happen. I like the proactive rather than the reactive, but there’s something to be said for each.

Keep those opinions coming!

Oh, I don’t agree. Let them both get a little closure from this. At least the woman will know exactly what she did that lost her the prize. Not all of us get that kind of calm feedback, and at 50-something, we need to know what kind of behavior is getting in the way of getting what we say we want.

(by the way, that was in response to Shodan and lavenderviolet and all the above “move on, ignore her” people)

She won’t paint herself into that corner. Last time she called me, she said something like, “We’ll have to go out this week or next. This weekend I have a friend coming into town and meeting during the week is hard. If not this week, next weekend.” Fast forward…that’s this weekend.

So she didn’t give a specific day/time, like Thursday at 7:00 PM. Unless you think I should say, “No, I’m going to busy for the next two weeks at every conceivable date and time.”

Which, come to think of it, is tempting.

But she didn’t lose a prize if she didn’t especially want it in the first place. The proof is in the pudding…part of draft #2:
*
As the saying goes, “If something is important, you make time for it,” and I see that you do—you had four days for your church retreat and a whole weekend with a friend from Austin. But the saying continues, “and if it isn’t important, you make excuses.” You would have me believe that you can’t set aside one evening for a date in the course of six weeks?*

Then it sounds like she is either [ol]Fucking with your head, [li]Keeping you on the hook as a “in case nothing better turns up”, or [*]She just lives her life, or at least handles her relationships like this. [/ol]If you wanted to date her badly enough, you could try to teach her that you won’t accept being treated as a last resort, but it sounds like that ship has sailed, and I expect it would be a losing proposition in any case. If she isn’t willing to make you a priority during the sniffing-around-to-see-if-there-is-any-future-with-you part, then a change in her behavior during the fuck-this-you-are-more-trouble-than-you-are-worth part is, frankly, not a good sign.[/li]
If she continues to call you with vague promises, then just say “no thanks”.

Regards,
Shodan

I agree that you’re putting way too much thought, time and energy into something that never was. She’s clearly not interested and likely never was. She’s being polite and feeling guilty for saying she’d see you again (trying to be nice, I would guess, and not wanting to say she’s not interested - the first conversation got out of hand, or was a case of lips loosened by a bit of alcohol and now she feels she’s stuck with the promise that she really doesn’t want to follow through on). Don’t email her. If she happens to call again, be casual, tell her you wish her well, but clearly things aren’t going to work out for a second date and you’ve moved on (and mean it and do it).

You’re putting too much stock into a casual remark from someone you barely know.
Best of luck