clearly to you. I disagree that it’s clearly their intent. There’s an awful lot of folks out there who muddle on their day w/o all this drama and intent poured into every act. It can also be what I suggested - that they have a list of folks that they send cards to for these occasions, and wanted to include a donation as a ‘gift’, and wrote out a single check to the charity saying "this is given in the name of person a, person b, grandson c & his wife d. ".
edited to add: the OP, OTOH, her intent was clearly spelled out, she did it as an agressive act.
I guess that what I’ve found to be most effective in all my dealings with the crazy in-laws and the ex-in-laws, is to pick your battles. I try to make open declarations of war only in circumstances where it was very important to me to have things my way. Everything else I let go.
You’ve already mentioned that these grandparents–as opposed to his parents–have virtually no place in your lives. It has been stated that just because they included your name in a donation, the charity does not automatically have your personal information. Was this a battle that you absolutely needed to win? Because it has been my experience that the grandparents-in-law talk to the parents-in-law and an offense to one becomes the bone-to-pick of the others.
Perhaps, for you, this was a crucial issue. For me, I’d have thrown the card out and forgotten it. Active interference would rate a response, but passive-aggressive just gets ignored–if you react to passive-aggressive, they get a reaction, which gives them what they wanted.
My 2 cents is that I loved what** Indy** did and I think it was totally appropriate under the circumstances. Would you let someone continue to poke you with a stick and think, “well they’re trying to be nice, they just don’t know any better”
I hope they’ll think twice before doing it again, knowing that they are triggering a donation to a cause they don’t support.
My sister and brother in law who are really terrific people kept sending me forwarded religious Emails. I could have just deleted them but it bugged me that these Emails contained some Christian propaganda that simply wasn’t true. It was just BS being passed on as if it was true. I politely responded to a few of their Emails advising them to check their facts before they just assumed this stuff was true. After all, we’re cautioned against baring false witness aren’t we?
Now I’m off their forward list for that type of material.
I disagree. If you think that responding clearly to enforce your boundaries to agressive-agressives is okay/necessary, responding in the same manner to passive-agressives is doubly more important. The whole point of passive-agressiveness is to try to make it so their behavior and its consequences are not their fault. P-As can’t or won’t own their displeasure or whatever. You’re supposed to get the message without the message being direct. Then the fallout is your problem, your insecurities, your lack of caring, whatever.
It causes its target to not only feel the agressive intent, but also left holding the bag of all the emotions behind it.
Passive-agressives need to be called on their shit whenever possible. Their targets need to make their boundaries well-defined, and the consequences of continuing behavior clear. Then enforce those consequences, also.
ETA: Responding to Crich and everyone else who’s making excuses for these horrible people.
I’m not making excuses for them–I think what the grandparents did was uncalled for and not in the best taste–I’ve just found in my experience only, that in dealing with in-laws, it was best to choose the things you wanted to make into “issues” and ignore the rest. It sounded to me like this just hit her on a bad day.
And I’ve found–also in my experience only, YMMV–that responding to passive-aggressive nonsense only gives them what they were trying to elicit–a reaction. If you ignore them, they move on to someone else who will react and then it’s “let the games begin!” You’re not ever going to win, you’re just helping them play their games.
Well, it’s more than just reacting. You can and should be calm, rational, firm, and matter-of-fact. But you should make it clear you see what they’re doing and you won’t be taken in by it anymore. One consequence is to refuse to have anything to do with them, refuse to get drawn in, ignoring them as you say. But I’m one who believes you let them know in advance that you will not be playing, and your silence does not in anyway signify assent.
I think that’s an argument for another thread, the type to which I typically do not respond. Any religion that won’t let down their condom rules so that lives will be saved in a humungous continent full of people with AIDS is a lunatic fucking religion.
But, again, another thread, another debate. Believe what you will, and I will do the same.
Well, but that’s a problem with the religion, not necessarily the individuals who practice it. You do see that, don’t you? There are Catholics, who not only use condoms themselves, but are ok with the idea of others doing so as well, FWIW.
As a Catholic, though, I can still agree with your response to the donation. If something similar were done to me I’d be livid. Part of me would think, and believe, that the way to deal with it would be a stern response in the form of a very clear letter saying how offended I was that someone would make a donation to something in my name to a cause I do not support. To me, that’s nothing less than representing who I am and what I stand for in a way that does not reflect reality, it’s incredibly invasive in rude. The calmer side of me would lean towards writing a letter saying that. The side of me that would be pissed as hell would probably have me doing what you did, and that’s probably exactly what I’d do (although I may have misgivings about “spiteful charity donations” afterwards.0
All Money is hate, all is stained bloody. There is only intention. Both intentions are hateful. But they’re recycled by Kharma. You’ll both take the hit, whether you realize it or not. Why did you intricate yourself, Indygrrl?
But the Dark Side is way cooler than the Light side ! Unless you’re Clone Wars animated version Mace Windu, that is.
As far as the OP goes, I agree that these people are bullies, and you should always stand up to bullies. Both because that’s the only thing that might make them back off, and out of principle.
And in my experience, also YMMV, if you don’t react they tend to escalate. Especially in a case like this, when an ideological/theological motivation is involved.
Did you miss the part that said the grandparents knew how they felt about it and did this anyway. You know, the part where she said they had made it *clear * that they didn’t want to hear about their beliefs, and the part where this was the 2nd such card in two months.
Also , It has little to do with winning or losing. It has to do with expressing how you feel to someone who has intentionally fucked with you. Regardless of their reaction. I saw my ex girlfriend get all upset over her families Catholic guilt trips and when I told her to just tell them how she felt she responded as you did. “Why, it won’t change them” It’s not about changing them it’s about claiming your space. Perhaps these folks will still send their little spite gifts, {I doubt it} but if they did I’d just write them to inform them that since they don’t seem to get or care how unwelcome or offensive their little cards are from now on all their mail will be returned to them unopened as well as any junk mail that arrives because of them. Make all the donations you want.
My step father was an ex (shunned) Jeohvah’s Witness…
Every Christmas Morning, we would get a “family” on our door step, with “Light House” Mags, … the object was NOT to spread the “joy of their truth” but to
Spoil our step dad’s Christmas
and
To show how our non JW beliefs were secular, and “not of God” to their younger set
and
As a “proving ground” for their new members… (Can you confront a secular family on xmas morning, with your kids?)
We always invited them in…
We (after the first yr) always had a few extra gifts, for the kids, , which we gave with OUT asking (they didn’t ask for an invitation, after all)… and offers of food and refreshment
We wewre always TOO busy celebrating to actually sit and listen to their desire to recite dogma to us
everyone was always natural, and rfespectful
out of five yrs that they did this, two of the famiies that showed up wound up leaving the JW Faith.
I/my family would never take total credit for this, but perhaps we showed them that secularity ain’t all that bad, either…
my advice… be steadfast but open, accept no bullshit, but always give love
