I used to sleepwalk a lot - once woke up on the front porch after a dream of taking a walk and my socks were wet. I don’t want to know what I did. 
One night, just after we got together my wife shook me awake and told me, “Don’t take anything off the end of a stick!” She stopped and thought for a minute and added, “ANYWHERE OFF A STICK!”
Words to live by.
She doesn’t remember it at all but loves telling the story.
I shared a room with my sister for my entire childhood. She talked in her sleep sometimes, altho I don’t remember anything particularly entertaining. However, one night my dad got up to find her sitting on the top of the flight of stairs, sound asleep. Downstairs the phone was off the hook.
I troubleshoot in my sleep. My dad watched me walk into the kitchen, open the refrigerator door, and tell it to “reboot, please”. He knows very little about computers, but has gamely tried to respond while I’m “hacking into the registry” in my sleep. He says he’s learned more about IE than he ever wanted to know, just by listening to me talk in my sleep.
Back when we were younger, my little sister & I shared a room. I came home late one night, turned on the bedroom light to find my way to bed, my sister sat bolt upright and yelled, “Get that duck outta here! No, not that one, the mallard!” I laughed myself silly. Next night, I tell my sister (in my sleep) “Hey, there’s a family of feathers in here. Oh, great. A family of feathers.” Must have been caused by her mallard.
I don’t do anything fun in my sleep (that I know about) except sleep.
My son laughs out loud- he’s five and five year old guffaws are great.
Now the evil X walked and talked in his sleep. He urinated in the laundry soap tub, in the corner of the bedroom, and other places (usually following an evening of drinking), and told jokes and stories. One night I was in bed reading when he said “Excellent bogey.” I don’t play golf and wasn’t sure of what he said, so I aked "What?’ He repeated it, “Excellent bogey.” Still not sure of what was going on, I asked “What?” again. He yelled at me “Excellent Bogey!!” “O.K.”
One night, he sat up and said “My name is Bond. James Bond.” He was so serious sounding… cracked me up.
One night he popped up and said “You put the black in the red and (unintelligble) happens. Ha ha ha.” I tried to get him to tell me the joke since I had the punchline, but he wouldn’t answer.
< related hijack >
How the Straight Dope Message Board has changed our lives forever!
About a year ago, a similar thread was in IMHO (I think it made Threadspotting). Someone told a story about waking up his SO saying “you have to get up or you’ll be late for work” and she responded with:“I don’t have to go to work today. Today is triangle day!”
This expression is now a permanent one of the Crayons household. We never say “leave me alone, I’m sleeping in” we say “it’s triangle day!”
</related hijack>
My husband and I had an entire fight one night and I didn’t realize he was talking in his sleep until the next day. I don’t remember the whole thing, but we were in bed and I was almost asleep, when he asked me a question. I didn’t know what he was talking about, and he got very frustrated when I asked him. I was confused and he was getting pissed. At one point he was yelling at me to shut up, and I ended up sleeping in the guest bedroom. This was the first time (and only) that we ended up sleeping apart because of a fight. He only woke up when I was leaving the room, and then he was the one who was confused, and mad at me for waking him up! At the time I didn’t believe him when he said he had no idea what was going on. Now I know when he is talking in his sleep, and instead of getting upset, I just mess with him:)
I think it does count as our stupidest fight ever.
Both my brother and sister have talked in their sleep. to my knowledge, and according to my SO of three years, I don’t.
My sister once started calling out to my brother in her sleep, not long after we’d all gone to bed, so the rest of the family was still awake. She kept calling out his name, over and over, and he kept replying “what?” from the next room. It took a couple of minutes for us to figure out that she was talking in her sleep, so we left her alone, and she was quiet for a minute. Then she just yelled out “S–, shut UP!” My brother had no idea what had upset her so much!
A few years before that, my brother was asleep in his room but a few of us were still up, and he appeared to be having a “Legend of Zelda” type dream, because he kept talking about Link. He then quite desperately said “Kill the bear, not the deer!” a couple of times, followed by “No, wait, kill the DEER, not the BEAR!!” He didn’t remember any of it, and so couldn’t explain his sudden change in strategy!
My SO also talks in his sleep. Most of the time its incoherent, but there was one time when he told me that I needed to update my kernel. I told him he could do it in the morning, because the computer was turned off. He said I didn’t need to turn on the computer, because it was MY kernel that needed to be updated. Aparently I wasn’t a “recent enough version” of a girlfriend for him that night!
There are a bunch more, but I cant remember them right now. Since he NEVER remembers any of them, he’s no help right now either!
I was awoken a few years back by my ex ordering someone to get “the baked potatoes” out of the oven. “Are you talking to me?” I asked. “No, I’m talking to someone else.” Then she managed to wake up…of course, not remembering what she’d just said.
When I was a kid, I once woke up really cold…because I’d wandered out of my bedroom and curled up on the couch and, somewhere in there, had managed to turn the TV on and change it to my favorite channel at the time. I was very confused.
I used to sleepwalk alot as a kid. My mom told me about a particular time when I got up, walked to the bathroom, left the door wide open, turned on the water in the bathtub but didn’t close the drain, undressed except for my socks, stuffed my pajamas into the toilet, flushed it, and sat in the tub. My mom, dad, and their guest that was visiting at the time were viewing all this through the open door. Apparently she convinced me to return to bed; she had to dig my jammies out of the toilet with a clothes-hanger.
In college, I sometimes crashed a friend of mine’s dorm-room floor rather than drive the hour-long trip back to where I lived. I’d gone out and gotten completely schnockered one particular night; when I woke up the next day, his roomate was PISSED at me. Upon inquiring, it turns out that during the night I’d gotten up, took the sheets I was using for cover, wadded them up into a corner of the room, and proceeded to pee all over them. They were the roomate’s spare sheets, thus his annoyance. I didn’t recall any of it, of course.
–IDB
Since my bedroom was fairly small, there wasn’t enough room for all the furniture to fit, so I had to push the side of my bed up against the dresser. My bed was a twin size. I had a dream that I had a very large bed and stood up in my sleep next to the bed. Of course since I had a large bed I could just fall across it. Forehead meets dresser drawer handle, not a good thing. The worst part, there was an encore performance a couple of weeks later.
A couple more that I remember:
So the boyfriend fell asleep one night, but I thought he was still awake. The convo went something like this.
ME: What time is it?
HIM: 9:30
ME: Are you sure? It’s dark outside.
HIM: It’s 9:30
ME: 9:30?
HIM: 9:30
ME: In the morning?
HIM: Yep, 9:30
ME: It can’t be 9:30 in the morning!
HIM: 9:30
I looked at the clock and it was 12:30 at night!
And this thing that my brother did REALLY creeped me out at the time. So I was in my bed, minding my own business when my door flew open and in walks my brother. He had his eyes wide opened. He walked over to my dresser where I had a fish (at the time). He takes the container of fish food and pops it in his mouth. Then he walks out of my room.
I noticed that he didn’t go back to his room, so I went to the bathroom. He was asleep in the corner. I say to him, “Adam, you’re in the bathroom” and he just gets up and walks back to his own bed.
A couple more that I remember:
So the boyfriend fell asleep one night, but I thought he was still awake. The convo went something like this.
ME: What time is it?
HIM: 9:30
ME: Are you sure? It’s dark outside.
HIM: It’s 9:30
ME: 9:30?
HIM: 9:30
ME: In the morning?
HIM: Yep, 9:30
ME: It can’t be 9:30 in the morning!
HIM: 9:30
I looked at the clock and it was 12:30 at night!
And this thing that my brother did REALLY creeped me out at the time. So I was in my bed, minding my own business when my door flew open and in walks my brother. He had his eyes wide open. He walked over to my dresser where I had a fish (at the time). He takes the container of fish food and pops it in his mouth. Then he walks out of my room.
I noticed that he didn’t go back to his room, so I went to the bathroom to see if he was in there. He was asleep in the corner. I say to him, “Adam, you’re in the bathroom” and he just gets up and walks back to his own bed.
My little sister sometimes sits bolt upright in her sleep and states in a firm but irritated tone, “I’m NOT DEAD.” Any response to this is construed as argument, so you just have to go back to bed and hope she will, too.
This story didn’t happen entirely while asleep, but certainly wouldn’t have happened if all of us were awake, so I’ll include it.
My senior year of high school, I joined the orchestra (the director wanted an oboist) on their tour of the East Coast. Our school is on the other side of the country, so the chance to travel to New York City, Philadelphia, and Washington, D.C. was not to be passed up.
We made the whole trip in one long day, and hit New York in the evening. For economical purposes, we were sleeping four to a two-bed room - Aly, Emily, Kate, and I. Between the excitement and the jet lag, it’s understandable that we’re all in bed pretty early - by ten o’clock or so - and sleeping soundly shortly thereafter.
Around midnight or one, there’s a knock on the door. Aly gets up and opens the door, without looking through the peephole or leaving the chain on. A young man staggers into the room, the nearly empty bottle of beer in his hand sloshing back and forth. He insists that he just needs a place to lie down for a little while.
Every one of us is partially awake at this point, and every one of us rationalizes that this must be a male orchestra member that one of the other girls knows, drunkenly on the run from our draconian director and in need of shelter. So we let him lie down at the foot of one of the beds and we all go back to sleep.
About ten or fifteen minutes later, there’s another knock on the door. We’re just trying to sleep, dammit, but Aly answers again and two young women are there. In thick Russian accents, they ask if their friend is inside. After some confusion, they retrieve their drunken compatriot and remove him from sight. The rest of us have fallen back asleep. Aly goes back to bed.
We reconstruct this all in the morning, and realize the following:
a.) We let a drunken male stranger into a hotel room with four teenage girls, in New York City, at night.
b.) We all thought that somebody else knew this guy.
c.) The director must NEVER know about this.
So just as we’re swearing not to reveal the incident until all of us have graduated, there’s another knock on the door. This time I answer it, leaving the chain on at first. It’s our friend from the night before, with bloodshot eyes and bare feet, his female friends a few paces behind. I open the door a little more but am ready to slam it if necessary.
At first he just apologizes profusely in a thick Russian accent (somehow we didn’t hear it when he talked the first time), calling himself a “stupid jerk” over and over. I reassure him that it’s really no trouble, everything’s fine, just trying to get him out of the picture before our chaperone comes out into the hall and the whole story comes out. Just as I’m closing the door on him, he asks, “Did I leave my green shoes in there?”
No, he did not leave his green shoes with us. He departed after we told him so. I think it was the most memorable welcome to a city that I’ve ever received, and certainly one of the stupidest things I’ve ever let happen while (partially) asleep.
*Names have been changed to protect those who still work under this director.
Ivylad is on strong pain medication, and it makes for some interesting and scary conversations.
He once told me “The monster is chasing the yellow.” (Funny, he was on his way to the bathroom to pee, so make of that what you will ;))
Another time, I was getting ready for work. I get out of the shower, and he’s completely dressed in his old workshirt, looking for his boots.
I ask him what he’s doing. He’s gives me a disgusted look, says, “I’m going to work.” Silly question.
“Where are you going to work?” I ask, knowing what’s going on and trying to get him calmed down and back to bed.
He names his former employer where he worked as a bus mechanic. I tell him he doesn’t work there anymore, because of his back injury he got at work.
He snorts in disdain. “I feel fine.” (This is a man who’s gone through two major back surgeries, has recently graduated from a walker to a cane, and wears a patch for the medicine.)
“Honey, come back to bed, just for a few minutes.” I get him back to bed, no shirt but still wearing his jeans.
About ten minutes later he wakes up, lucid, with no memory of trying to go to work. The frightening thing was if I had been a few minutes later getting out of the shower, he might have been merrily driving to work. :eek:
I am what you would call a very active sleeper. I also tend to engage in what could only be described as speaking in tongues (sometimes my wife can identify it as Spanish (which I do speak) but other times she says that it defiantly sounds like a language, just not one that she ahs encountered).
But the one gem that I could share was the time that I was sleepwalking and managed to get out of the house and a few blocks down the street. See, the thing is that I sleep nude, and needless to say it is nightmarishly odd to come to buck naked in the middle of the night a few blocks from home (I did make it back without incident, thank Og).
All my life I have talked in my sleep. I’m told I have carried on conversations with people and they only realized I was not awake when I suddenly said something bizarre. This happened a few months ago when I answered the phone and held a conversation with someone, and then I said “But the quail need belts.” When I woke up, I was so confused about whether or not this had actually happened. I called the person back to check and they told me the story.
I get endless grief for this. I was napping one evening when my bf came in and asked if I wanted dinner. I began a long partially-unintelligble dialogue about how as a child my parents would “send up the mountain for the pizza in the aluminum foil”. He asked me what the hell I was talking about and I replied “You know, Colorado pizza”.
Another time he claims I sat bolt upright in bed and spoke a few long sentences in some bizarre language in an unnaturally deep voice. He was incredibly freaked out and woke me up immediately. To this day my bf swears I was momentarily possessed. Probably I was just phlegmy.
Another time I sat up in a panic, loudly saying “That gorilla took my car!”. (I actually remember this dream, too- I dreamed a gorilla had stolen a green Volkswagon Beetle from my driveway. I do not now nor have I ever owned such a car. Nor a gorilla.)
I often wake up extremely confused about whether or not something I dreamed actually happened, and I have to ask people if it did. You would not believe the looks I get from this.
I now know that I swear in my sleep. My poor pal who travels with me…
sleeping:sleeping:
“Fuuuuuuuuuck YOU!”
Dated a guy once who woke up and tried to climb out of bed. “I just want to take all my clothes off and climb around under the bushes naked.” Really had a hard time keeping him in building.
I think he was then awake - ? not sure - but was totally freaked out by my Georgia O’Keefe poster. “Man, I don’t like that thing. Get that thing away from me. No! I DON’T LIKE IT!”
(But, honey, is that because it looks like a vagina???)
Or… maybe he was peaking. Claimed later someone had put “something” in his drink earlier… yeah, right.
My hunny has radar. To be specific, penis radar. I’ll walk into the room and stand anywhere around her head/midsection (when she’s in bed) and her right hand (usually … sometimes her left) will, if it reaches out at me, invariably grab me right in the crotch. This is also the case when we’re cuddling/laying in bed. She’ll just flail out and her hand, if she didn’t mean it specifically for another place, will just fall cupped around my crotch.
At first we thought it was just coincidence, but it happened with such frequency that I named it “penis radar”.