The good news is the iPhone is now available on Verizon…
The bad news is that Verizon just banned you for life for being such a difficult customer.
Skipped earlier: The good news, you don’t need to pay the rest of your mortgage off…
the bad news is that it’s because your bank forclosed on you.
The good news is that you met and hit it off with the star of your favorite show…
The bad news is that your favorite show is Flipper.
The good news is that you’re having a baby!
The bad news is you’re not pregnant with it, you’re literally *having *it, for dinner, with a nice Chianti.
The good news is you’ve just graduated with a doctorate in your chosen field…
…your entire field is being shipped to India
The good news is that the hurricane missed your area…
The bad news is that your chosen field is English Literature.
The bad news is that you weren’t in your area at the time, but trying to drive your new Porsche out of the hurricane’s original path.
The good news is that you inherited a Fortune 500 company.
The bad news is, it’s Enron(they never said it was this year’s Fortune 500)
The Good News: Your work is being published in a prestigious academic journal.
The bad news: Your work is headlined, NEVER DO THIS!!!
The good news: Your second-favorite message board is letting you have a custom title.
The bad news is, that custom title was designed by a childish moderator with a personal dislike for you. Enjoy having all your posts prefaced with “I AM A HUGE LYING DICKBAG”. In red, 25 point font.
The good news is, you’re being awarded a Nobel Prize.
the bad news is you’ve been banned from going to Sweden after that incident with the sheep, and they refuse to send the prize to you.
The Good News is that your book is $1 on the NYTimes best seller list…
Fixed!
TBN is that your factual, well-researched reference work is on the Fiction Paperback list.
TGN is that the neighborhood pub is having a drink special, tonight only!
The bad news is that you don’t get off work until midnight.
The good news is that you don’t need that transmission overhaul the first mechanic recommended…
The bad new is that your car just got stolen by an anti-cheese terrorist group and destroyed in a police chase
The good news is your about to get married to an intelligent, beautiful, and all around nice woman
The bad news is, she’s got terminal cancer and her doctor gives her 3 months at best.
The good news is, after a lifetime of tireless effort, you finally ushered everlasting peace on Earth.
The Bad News: You did it by killing almost evey other man, woman and child on the planet. Had anyone survived to write the history, you would’ve gone down as one of the worst monsters that ever lived.
The good news:You’ve been given your own TV show.
The bad news is a show interviewing serial killers, rapists and child molesters.
The good news is you’ve just bought Action Comics #1 (woth a cool $1,000,000) at a thrift store for $1
A gust of wind, a puddle, a playful dog - these thoughts of potential disaster for your precious comic distract you, and you fall through an open man-hole, where you are torn apart by a horde of hungry rats, alligators and marmosets.
The good news: you’ve discovered a new form of cheap, renewable energy.
The bad news: Prior art means you can’t patent your discovery – not as “a machine,” not as “a business process,” not as anything. There’s too much historical documentation of Human Slavery for you to obtain an intellectual property protection for the idea or methodologies of subjugating entire populaces into manual labor.
The good news: The Jewish holiday season starts next week. {Wednesday night, in fact.}
The bad news: You still don’t visit me enough. You’re still letting me die without grandchildren, and your new “friend” is neither Jewish nor a doctor. Why won’t you just call that nice girl I met at Harold’s?
The good news: It’s benign.