The bad news: it’s the mayor of Beirut.
The good news: peace is declared in the Middle East.
The bad news: It’s declared by The National Enquirer.
The good news: You’ve been elected President of the U.S. with a huge majority, a Congress which loves you, and a massive Federal budget surplus.
The bad news: The next day the economy pulls a Great Depression 2.0 (the banks again), Iran and Israel nuke each other, Kim Jong-il decides that he wants to take North Korea with him and attacks South Korea, and China makes a move on Taiwan
The good news: You’ve been granted the super power of your choice
TBN: Water is your kryptonite.
TGN: The hurricane missed your area when it made landfall.
TBN: It didn’t miss all of your relatives’ areas, so they are all now coming to stay with you.
TGN: Your only child is discovered to be a genius and will be entering college at age 8.
TBN: Since he’s an arrogant little fuck, he already declared himself emancipated and is suing you for child support with the law degree he earned at 7.
TGN: You have a chance to meet your favorite athlete whom you’ve admired since you were a child.
TBN : turns out, he despises everything you stand for and is profoundly ashamed you and he are part of the same species.
TGN : Civilization 5 is almost out !
TBN: Your computer is so lousy and old it’s going to cost you just as much to get a new computer as it will to upgrade your compy to be actually able to play Civ 5.
TGN: Rock Band 3 is coming out in about a month!
The bad news: It’s a Hannah Montana tie-in.
The good news: your child made captain of the football team/head cheerleader.
The bad news: That’s “made” as in " had sex with." And it’d the captain, the entire team, the head cheerleader, and the entire cheerleading team. And all the coaches.
The good news: Same Sex Marriage is now legal in the United States.
The bad news: it’s now mandatory.
The good news: the children in your neighborhood are all polite and well-behaved.
The bad news : aren’t the Hitlerjugend sweet and clean-cut ?
The good news : Marijuana is now legal, cheap and plentiful.
The bad news: shortage of Cheetos.
The good news: all Americans have access to healthcare.
The bad news: They all want to take advantage of it now. You have to wait six months for life-saving surgery. And an annual physical? Fuhgeddaboutit.
The good news: You invent a time machine that can take you to a historical period which has long intrigued you.
The bad news: the health care access fee is $500/month
The good news: Holodecks now come standard in every home
the bad news: The only program available causes real death by radiation poisoning
the good news: CBS is having a Big Bang Theory! marathon tonight (for real)
The bad news: You hate the show and everyone on it.
The good news: You invent a time machine that can take you to a historical period which has long intrigued you.
The bad news: It also takes everyone else.
The good news: You wake up knowing how to speak fluently in 10 new languages
The bad news: Too bad someone surgically removed your tongue overnight, too.
The good news: Your favorite movie star wants to buy you a beer.
The bad news: He/she’s the cheapest bastard/bitch in Hollywood.
The good news: The weatherman has forecast nothing but clear skies for your only child’s wedding day.