That I do appreciate, truly.
You gotta get her digits and text her the next day into a date. If all you did was give her your number then that’s major clownage.
The main takeaway is that even if a girl likes you she’s not gonna initiate contact. Facebook is a wasteland and should not have been your first contact, especially if you waited inexplicably for 8 days.
You’re only hope is to go see her again and ask her out in person. She will probably say yes or give you a reason why not. If you come across as desperate then you’re toast so you gotta play it cool bro. Like Mathew McConaughey.
I think it’s the multiple red flags that are a concern. It’s true girls generally don’t call first, but presumably it’s a mobile number, so she had the option of a breezy text message. And even if she isn’t into facebook, not being aware of a friend request for 9 days is unusual.
So I’d bet money he’s out of luck. But yeah, on reflection he may as well ask her out, nothing to lose and all that.
Also Incensed, I hope all your eggs are not in this basket. Even if you’re looking for The One, the best way to do that is to regularly ask out people. You’ll gain confidence, and experience, as well as a better idea of the kind of person you really like.
Note that asking out doesn’t need to mean the high-pressure “Will you have dinner with me?” or whatever. I do pretty well with finding something cool going on in town, implying I’m going to it regardless, and asking whether she’d like to join me.
For once, I gotta agree with you.
Broken clock and all
Me either. I do not understand the degree of negativity, and I find it quite dismaying.
But
there is a very active meme out there now amongst the feminists that for women to have to deal with “unwanted sexual advances” is really, really terrible for them, and that men need to learn to never make sexual advances to women unless explicitly invited to do so. (I have seen that sentiment explicitly express on one of the more left-wing message boards I sometimes visit.)
I think this whole “movement” is absolutely disgusting - it is putting a huge, utterly unreasonable burden on men in order to avoid what is, at most, a very small burden of irritation or embarrassment on women - and I am pretty sure that if men actually did learn that lesson the vast majority of women would be horrified by the results. However, this idea does seem to be the latest preoccupation to be the latest product of the feminist echo-chamber, and I am seeing it all over the left side of the web these days. Perhaps some people here are affected by it (even if they would not buy into the whole idea when voiced explicitly).
Of course, people are quite right that the signs are not too good for Incensed, but he has suffered nothing like a definitive rejection, and there are all sorts of plausible reasons why she might not have called and might not have responded on Facebook despite actually being interested. One more try is definitely worth it. As I said before, there is nothing to lose and everything to gain. I think that, if she truly isn’t interested, an email would cause less embarrassment for both parties (and if she does not reply, then, no doubt, it is high time to give up), but Princhester is undoubtedly right that approaching her in person and explicitly asking her out is more likely to get a positive response. Even prompted by an email, she might still be too shy to call, even though she wants to.
Because there was no such option. His options were to wait around, leave her alone, or “remind” her to try and get her to call him/ask him out. There’s no option for “just ask her out already.”
Plus, as he indicates, its her public business email address. So it’s not like he’s using info she gave him, nor even a personal email. That sort of thing is more than just a little annoying. It screams boundary issues.
If she didn’t give you a way to contact her, do not go around finding another way. That really is just creepy.
Put some new bait on your hook and recast.
She isn’t interested in you. I know that sucks and I’m sorry to say it, but this girl doesn’t want to go out with you. As a chick who has been on the receiving end of this type of thing I can tell you that none of her behavior indicates that she is interested.
You gave her your number and she didn’t call you or give you hers in return. You asked if she wanted to go out after work and she told you she already had plans without volunteering another time she was available. She never responded to your friend request on facebook.
And beyond all of that the “signals” you list in your OP that make you think she might like you don’t seem like signals at all to me. People brag about shit all the time and if you were there with a smile and desire to hear her talk she might very well have told you about an athletic accomplishment. Unless it was winning a kegel contest or something it most likely wasn’t an attempt to woo. Official introductions and going out of her way to talk to you also don’t mean much, especially as it sounds like you are running into her at her workplace. Your best signal was her checking you out and even that could have a dozen different meanings, some as innocuous as "Does that dude have a price tag on the butt of his jeans?
There are lots of women out there who would totally be into you but this doesn’t appear to be one of them. Don’t waste any more time on her and go out and meet some new women instead!
She probably hasn’t been at the library because she’s transferred to another branch temporarily because “there is this weird guy creeping on me.”
I agree with this. I’m a woman, and I know that if a guy I was into gave me his phone number, I’d give him mine, or I’d put his number into my phone and text him right then. From talking to friends, they would all do the same thing. And I’d offer an alternate time to hang out if I was busy when he asked me to hang out.
This sticks out to me. Do you always come by at a regular time? A regular enough time that she could hide somewhere and avoid the awkwardness of seeing you? Or is the layout of the library as such that she could maybe spot you before you see her and she can go to a back office or something? It is possibly a coincidence, but if you had been seeing her regularly, and now you don’t see her at all after you ask her out, it seems very possible that she’s avoiding you, because she doesn’t want it to be awkward or to be mean to you.
If she’s an attractive librarian she probably gets digits from multiple guys per day trying to get with her, as do most women in customer service type jobs.
Move on.
Go to the library and check out some books. Do some reading… and studying, etc.
PBBTH, you know, I’d be fine with rejection, I’m just looking for something definitive here.
Further down your post you allude to the signals that you don’t take as such; I wouldn’t either if they hadn’t occurred after the number exchange.
From my POV, if someone had approached me and I wasn’t interested, there’s no effing way I’d say or do anything to prolong the conversation. But she did, twice, including bragging on herself and offering physical contact.
Just doesn’t add up.
Anyway, looks like I have gotten a definitive answer from the internets, so I guess I’ll just let it lie and see how she acts if I ever see her again. FML.
Asking Mods to close the thread.
Yep, **Princhester **calls it right. Go back to the library and speak to her face-to-face. Ask her out.
Not accepting your friend request on Facebook is meaningless. I don’t accept friend requests except from existing, established friends. I wouldn’t accept one from an attractive man I’d spoken to a few times in a library, even if I would like to get to know him. Just not my style. I also probably wouldn’t call a man who gave me his phone number. I’d want to go to coffee or lunch first, then exchange numbers. Again, just the way I roll. (And I’m old enough to be your mother.)
So, if you are interested and think she might be, stop wasting time on the Dope and GO TALK TO HER!
Look, you checked her out, she’s overdue - pay the fine and move on.
It’s pretty clear you came here hoping people would tell you to keep trying. So, keep trying until you get a definite rejection. But do it face to face. Just ask her to meet you for coffee sometime, and if she doesn’t say OK, then let it go. If she says OK, then take it from there.
But stop obsessing over how many days it’s been since “X” happened. That’s creepy!!
There’s a difference between “friendly” and “interested.” Just because someone is politely friendly to you, that in no way implies interest. Remember, she was at work. It sounds like you are a patron. Of course she’s going to make polite, friendly conversation; that’s her job. Please take the hint.
Missed edit window:
Have you, at any point, established definitively if this woman is available for dating? Do you know anything about her status at all? She could be married/committed or even gay.
And also, please note, sometimes, the reason women don’t reject definitively is because that can be very dangerous if some unhinged creeper gets all bent out of shape because he believes he’s entitled to her attention just because* he*'s interested. Don’t be that guy.
She doesn’t owe you a definitive answer. As Dogzilla said, sometimes women will not give you one, because it opens up the opportunity for abuse. I’m sure not you, but she doesn’t know that.
Some women have naturally flirty personalities. Some women think they are simply making small talk, and when they clue into the fact that you are romantically interested, they pull back. Some women are interested, and then between the time they start being interested and the time you give them your phone number - they aren’t for any number of reasons - most of them having nothing to do with you. Any one of those things adds up with her behavior.